Through the valley and over the woods...

Rue McClanahan

2010-06-04T01:59:00.000-05:00

So, I got some condolence e-mails about Rue McLanahan...asking how sad I was. Here's my response:

She didn't have the grandmotherly wisdom of Estelle Getty or the in-your-face attitude of Bea Arthur. She was just the hussy that was on the show for eye candy. The 4th best Golden Girl...but still, a sad moment. Betty White is the last girl left standing...

3 Things - Hybrid Car Parking

2010-06-03T08:02:00.004-05:00

1. Sorry there wheelchair, better make some changes to your conversion van. Now roll on over to the regular people parking.

2. Just what we need...another reason to hate hyrid owners.

3. What are the odds of someone parking there and not getting keyed? 5?

3 Things - Flyer in my door

2010-05-24T04:47:00.000-05:00

1. Sorry you missed me? Man...that makes one of us.

2. Honestly, if I had been home, you would have missed me anyway. I would have definitely not moved from the couch.

3. I'm not sure just having a wife named Linda qualifies you to run for office, but I guess it worked for Kennedy, so what do I know?

3 Things - Conan

2010-05-04T01:53:00.000-05:00

1. Interesting. Half of Conan's height is in his head.
2. I feel like he's coming right at me.
3. Gizmo sure hasn't aged well...

New thing...

2010-05-03T01:56:00.000-05:00

Well, as I'm sure you've all realized, I took a two week break from the blog because, as you've also realized, nothing happens in my life to write about. I figure no one wants to know about my trip to Cub and how I couldn't get the bottle of V8 Fusion to scan on the self-scanner so I had to ask for help. Well...I guess you got to hear about it anyway. Joy!

So, anyhoo, I've decided to take my blog in a bit of a new direction. Whenever I find interesting pictures, I'm going to post them and make 3 sarcastic comments about them. I'm going to call it 3 things. I can't say how long it will last or how interesting it will be, but it should be more interesting than my decision on what kind of bread to get from Target (I chose wheat).

What the heck?

2010-04-16T03:32:00.001-05:00

- Seriously...who thought of this?
- Why does he have a house for a head?
- Was that all he could afford?
- Is this Ashton Kutcher's new thing instead of trucker hats?
- Does he not realize you live in a house?
- How does he park his car in a hat?
- Was this a surgery that went horribly, horribly wrong?
- Is this a new Phantom of the Opera?
- Why isn't that lady surprised he has a house for a head? Is she mental? She's grinning like a moron.
- Does that thing come with central air?
- How does he put his shirt on? Does he start from the feet and work his way up? Or does he only wear very deep v necks or zip up sweaters?
- Doesn't it suck when your face gets mold?
- Do you think those two are married? Do you think their kids faces will be normal but will have garage doors for mouths?
- I bet this guy is a hit at parties.
- Home is where his face was.
- I wonder how they furnished his head?
- Do you think his daughter had a doll house and he was thought it was a real house and tried to climb inside and got stuck? And then he was too embarrassed to admit that, so he pretended that he wanted a house for a head?
- I bet he loves playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
- How often do you think he has to shave?
- How long does the siding on that thing last?
- He's lucky it's just a starter home, otherwise he'd have to walk through doors sideways.
- I notice there's no attached garage. Where do you think the garage is? I bet he Richard Gere'd it.
- During the winter, he's full of hot air. Assuming he has heating in that thing.
- Looking closer I'm pretty sure they're married. And that's pretty racy in my book. A black chick married to a guy with a blue house for a head? Back in my day, that stuff wouldn't fly!
- I wonder what his arrest report would look like:
Officer: "Well, what did the guy look like?"
Victim: "Hmmm...let's see. He was about 5'10". Somewhere around 180 pounds. He didn't have eyes because he had a freaking house for a head!"
Officer: "What, what, what?"
- I wonder what happens if his face burns down?
- I really hope he never blows his top.
- Does his brain reside on the first or second story?
- What would it take to put me in that house, today?

I didn't know what to do...

2010-04-15T02:24:00.000-05:00

I was driving home yesterday and saw some chick TOTALLY picking her nose while she was driving. I yelled "Gross!" and pointed at her but I don't think that was enough. Obviously, I wanted to ram her car and point, but that would have been reckless. However, I feel that my yelling and pointing was an underwhelming response to the situation. I feel there has to be something else I could have done...

Apparently...

2010-04-14T06:17:00.001-05:00

I look like I want to race. On my way home last night, I was sitting at a red light, next to another car. When the light turned green, the car shot out in front of me, like we were racing in Better Off Dead.

Nice work there Dale Earnhardt...

Guess she's mad...

2010-04-13T02:21:00.000-05:00

We have a little sculpture that says "I Love Cats" that was a gift. We have it sitting on a table in our entryway. Well, yesterday, one of our cats knocked it off the table and broke it. I'm guessing she's mad that she's a cat and is thinking of getting a dolphinoplasty...

I need to plan more...

2010-04-12T06:49:00.002-05:00

Yet again, I ended up making 3 trips to Target yesterday. There might be something to this whole creating a list thing....

American Flags

2010-04-09T04:35:00.000-05:00

Just a sidenote, if you have two huge American flags on two huge posts coming out of the bed of your truck so they can wave in the wind, one of two things is true:

1) Something happened in the world today I'm not familiar with related to USA goodness or
2) You're a hill person

The George Lopez Show

2010-04-08T06:33:00.003-05:00

So, I was watching TBS and heard that the George Lopez Show is sponsored by DiGiorno. Wow. I wonder how much the George Lopez Show had to pay them to be a sponsor.

What?

You mean they paid the George Lopez Show to be a sponsor? How would that happen? Did they just have left over money from not having to pay delivery drivers that they decided to waste instead?

Bon Jovi?

2010-04-07T08:23:00.001-05:00

I was listening to the radio today and they were giving out Bon Jovi tickets. Bon Jovi? Man...I felt like I'd stepped into the Hot Tub Time Machine...

S'all right...

2010-04-06T09:21:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess my hoverboard argument won out and Alison and I saw Hot Tub Time Machine this weekend. It was okay. About what you'd expect from a movie with present day Chevy Chase in it...

Bring back ALF!

2010-04-05T06:57:00.001-05:00

I just signed an online petition for them to bring back ALF as a movie. I'm beginning to think there's a lot of time wasters out there on that internet...

So, I thought I was being smart...

2010-04-02T04:28:00.000-05:00

Alison and I were watching the news (no...TiVo was not broken...we're very learned) and they said that 52% of the people in the U.S. had returned their Census forms. So...the following happened:

Brent: How could they know that 52% of the people returned their forms when the form is the thing that tells how many people there are? How can they say 52% of an unknown amount? That's crazy!
Alison: looks at Brent like he's an idiot
Alison: They meant 52% of the forms sent out had been returned.
Brent: Ohhhh. Yeah. I get it. Man...I wish I had a Hoverboard Time Machine so I could go back in time and not say that.
Alison: You need to not talk for awhile...

The Skateboard Lobby

2010-04-01T01:41:00.002-05:00

Alright, so I'm trying to convince Alison to go see Hot Tub Time Machine with me and it's not going that well (even though I have free passes and am willing to take her to dinner at a place of her choosing, as long as she chooses the Timber Lodge).

But the concept of the movie brings me back to a story that has always been a little strange to me.

When I was about 10, I saw Back to the Future II. In the movie, Marty McFly has a hoverboard instead of a skateboard, which I thought was the coolest thing in the world. And then...there was a rumor floating around (where does an 10 year old hear a rumor? I have no idea) that the technology for hoverboards already existed! The problem was the Skateboard Lobby in Washington D.C. was so powerful, it made sure there were laws out there that wouldn't allow the hoverboard manufacturers to produce their product, because they knew the second hoverboards came out, skateboards would be obsolete.

At the time, that completely made sense. So, I kept waiting...and waiting...and waiting for the Hoverboard Lobby to overtake the Skateboard Lobby and produce some sweet, sweet hoverboards.

Alas, it's 2010 now and I still don't have a hoverboard. So, one of two things is happening:

1) The Skateboard Lobby in Washington D.C. really is that strong and has a stranglehold on the moving board products or
2) In 1989, they really did not have hoverboard technology and that rumor I heard was false.

I think we all know what is really true.

GIVE US OUR HOVERBOARDS YOU STUPID SKATEBOARD LOBBY!!!!

Apparently...

2010-03-31T04:28:00.000-05:00

people are not taking too kindly to my old Comcast Van post. I've been getting a comment or two on it on a weekly basis and got two more yesterday. Of course, since my blog is a dictatorship, I don't post those comments. However, I find it strange that people take the time to post a comment about that, calling me an idiot, when, in reality, it's a strange practice and you don't see it that often. Apparently, if you can believe the comments, about 100 kids have been saved by the practice, along with millions of pets, two Bigfoots and a half full Slurpee (nice job optimist).

I'm just saying...I'm right...it is strange.

The Final Tally

2010-03-30T02:44:00.001-05:00

Well, it appears to be done, but last week, I had to make 6 trips to the vet in regards to Khloe. Which pretty much sucked. Luckily, she is wearing a pretty fetching cone now (along with the new nickname Kone), so some good did come out of it...

Yesterday...

2010-03-29T01:33:00.000-05:00

I had to follow two Vespas down a road with a 55 mph speed limit. I don't know how fast a Vespa goes, but these ones seemed to top out at about 25. I don't know what they were powered by, but it sure wasn't hate, because if they were powered by hate rays, they would have been going about 100...

Subaru

2010-03-26T04:25:00.000-05:00

So, I was at Costco, getting gas, when I heard some lady go by some guy who had a bumper sticker on his Subaru and I hear her say, "I love your bumper sticker. I love your car."

Really...he has an Obama bumper sticker and a Subaru. The election is over...and he has a Subaru. I don't have my Steve Forbes bumper sticker on my car anymore...bumper stickers are lame. And, again, Subaru's are lame.

Come to think of it...this woman was probably lame...

How many is too many?

2010-03-25T04:19:00.000-05:00

I was at Target yesterday, in the Express Lane (10 items or less) and the guy in front of me had 19 items, a coupon that didn't work and he argued about the price of asparagus (and pulled out the mailer he received to prove his point). Then, he looked at my two items (a calculator and cookies) and said, "Aww...you just wanted a snack and you got stuck behind me. A-huh-huh."

And then I cyber-chopped him in the face...

Good news!

2010-03-24T04:16:00.000-05:00

Apparently, my taxes on my house are going down a ton next season. The bad news...obviously, my house is worth a ton less. Either way...I don't want to get another cat. 3 is more than enough.

Guess how many?

2010-03-23T03:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I think I made the most trips I've ever made to a single store in a day before on Sunday. I ended up going to Cub three times. I know...I know...maybe I could figure out what I needed and only make 1 trip. But then what would I have to talk about? That's right...nothing. That was a big part of the excitement on Sunday. Jealous much?

I figured it out...

2010-03-22T03:28:00.000-05:00

I've figured out the imbecile litmus test. Strangely enough, it was because of Drew Carey and the Price is Right.

If you are the first person of four to guess the price for an item and your guess is one dollar, that means you're an imbecile. If you can't figure out the meaning behind the one dollar wager on the Price is Right and when to use it, you might as well just give up right now. Because, odds are, not only will life be too hard for you...breathing will most likely be too hard for you...

Sidenote: I bet it stung a bit when the fourth person bet two dollars, didn't it? End Sidenote

I'm an idiot...

2010-03-19T05:29:00.002-05:00

This made me laugh as hard as I've laughed at anything in a long time...

It was a good run...

2010-03-18T02:39:00.000-05:00

Well, my visitors to the site looking for naked pictures of Betty White have started to turn into a trickle. From a high of 93 visitors, we're down to around 20 a day. Since I assume no one was coming to the site twice to look for nudie Betty White pictures that aren't there, we're looking at at least 470 different people who came here, trying to find some Betty White skin.

I don't really know what to do with that. Should I be impressed? Sad? Weirded out? I think, mostly, I'm weirded out. Though I guess I can't imagine some of the searches some of the mutants of this world make...so I guess there are tons that would be weirder and worse than this...

Still though...I wonder how many are looking for current naked pictures of Betty White. I'm guessing at least 1%. That means at least 4 people came on here looking for current nude pictures of Betty White.

And that, that my friends, is where everyone needs to draw the line. I just shuddered a little. Blech...

Precious...the Comedy?

2010-03-17T02:26:00.001-05:00

So, Alison and I were in the mood for something funny to watch, so we went out on amazon, through our TiVo and tried to find a comedy.

There was talk about this movie Precious at the Oscars, but I didn't hear much about it. However, after looking at it on there, we decided to download it, since it was in the comedy genre. Plus, I love Kurtwood Smith.

However, once we started watching it, it seemed like it might have been mislabeled. I mean, sure, there were funny parts, but throwing a baby on the ground is not really my brand of humor. I like puke jokes more (you keep going Daniel Tosh). Plus, unless Kurtwood Smith was playing the teacher in drag (yes...that's how I picture him in drag...yes, I picture Kurtwood Smith in drag...don't act like you don't), I don't think he was in the movie.

All in all, I give it 3 stars as a movie (out of 5), however, I only give it 1 star as a comedy. However, I was happy that Queen Latifah won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. She really deserved it.

sidenote: It took me about 20 tries to get a good picture of the screen and Alison was about ready to gut me with a spoon by the time I was done. I hope it was worth it! end sidenote

4 times...

2010-03-16T03:09:00.000-05:00

I was at Target yesterday and the checkout lady double swiped 4 different items. 4! She'd swipe it once, it would beep, then she'd accidentally swipe it again. With 4 different items. And each time, she'd look at me and smile and go "Oh".

So, what was the deal with that? Was she trying to see how many times she could do it before I said something? Was she nervous? Why in the world would that happen? I just do not get it...

Strange plaque...

2010-03-15T03:45:00.000-05:00

So, I was over at Alison's parents house and I was leafing through the Signals catalog, when I saw the plaque on the right.

Now, all the underlining in red was done by me, to easily point out what I'm talking about.

As you can see, it's a bunch of things, saying that you are blank to my blank, meaning you complete the first blank with whatever the second blank is. Nice. Simple. Whatever. Not something I would buy (because I already have 3! Psych. Bringing it back. Ignore me. Forget these last sentences).

So, anyway, all of them say, blank TO my blank. All of them. Except the last one. It says the blank ON my blank. Why? WHY?

Did they get to the end and forgot what they'd said on all the other ones? Seriously, you get that far on that tacky knickknack and then you mess it up at the end? Seriously, the one old cat lady who buys this thing is going to be PO'd when she realizing what they've done!

Does anyone have a good explanation for this? It astounded me. And, not surprisingly, Alison and her mom both thought I was an idiot with too much time on my hands to even bring it up. And they are for sure at least a quarter right.

Dinner...

2010-03-12T05:10:00.000-06:00

So, Alison had conferences last night, so I decided to go to Cub and grab something to eat. I wasn't sure what I wanted though...so I had to look around.

You know how long it took me to make a decision? Do you?

21 minutes

That's right...I paced the store for 21 minutes. From the chicken section, to the ribs, to the frozen pizza, to the deli, to the pizza again, back to the chicken section.

It was ridiculous. Talk about being indecisive. I mean...at a certain point, I even saw Brett Favre rolling his hand in the "C'mon, make a decision buddy" manner. Unbelievable.

In the end...I got chicken wings...

I'm officially old...

2010-03-11T01:44:00.000-06:00

I went to the dentist yesterday and had a small pain near one of my teeth. Like a normal person, I thought it might be a cavity. Nope. Turns out I have a receding gum line there. Receding gums? Cripes...I feel like I'm about a billion plus two years old...

Come on Webster!

2010-03-10T03:10:00.000-06:00

I don't know if you saw it or not, but Conan O'Brien started following some chick on Twitter and now all the sudden, she has tons of followers. Now...I don't have a Twitter account (like you need to see "still sitting" 48 times a day), but I do have this blog (as you know...since you are reading it, or got linked here, looking for naked pictures of Betty White). And I do have followers (to the right, though no one new has signed up to follow in a LONG time).

So, why doesn't a former celebrity follow my blog. I promise to mention them as much as possible and bring them much needed promotion, you know, from the perverts looking for naked pictures of Betty White.

So, come on Emmanuel Lewis. Come on Ted Danson. Come on Emilio Estevez. Come on, dare I say it...Betty White! Someone who is famousish, follow me and the world will be our oyster!

It's amazing really...

2010-03-09T03:35:00.000-06:00

I mean, I make a post about Betty White, which linked to a mention of Betty White being naked, and that single handedley quadrupled my pageviews for a day. Check out the past three days searches that led people to my site:
And I'm sure I'm not even one of the top search results for these Betty White searches. This is insanity! I mean, sure, we all want to see Betty White naked. Obviously. Don't kid yourself otherwise. But that's more something you'd want to picture than actually see the photos and do searches on it. Pretty sure you could get fired from your job for those searches (though I'm sure HR would understand). Anyway...here's a list of the searches people used to get to my page to see these (awesome):
Well played world??

Zune?

2010-03-08T05:50:00.000-06:00

So, we were at dinner with someone and they said the following:

"And then I play them on my Zune...my mp3 player..."

Ouch. Really? A Zune? Then, did you play your tapes in your BetaMax? Or maybe go play your HD-DVDs? All the while, drinking some RC Cola?

I didn't know anyone actually bought a Zune, and then I look online and you can still buy a Zune?! It was tougher to find a place to buy a BetaMax though...

Shopping List

2010-03-05T05:05:00.000-06:00

As you can probably tell, I wasn't jazzed to go to Target and pick up some stuff yesterday...

Hippies...

2010-03-04T02:41:00.001-06:00

I read a story on cnn.com about Hummers and one guy had a sticky note left on his Hummer that said, "You should be ashamed."

Shouldn't the person who left the note be ashamed for killing a tree to leave the note and then littering it on someone's car? Isn't that more harmful? And what kind of self-richeous jerk does that? I don't say anything when your Prius is scooting along at 45 mph on the Interstate. Well...at least not to your face...

Whatever happened to...

2010-03-03T05:21:00.000-06:00

I went through the car wash yesterday and it still says to make sure you put down the antenna on your car when you go through. Whatever happened to big old antenna's on cars? Then, when some hillbilly broke his off in a drunken rage because HHH got pinned by the Undertaker (AGAIN!), he'd have to go to the closet and rig a wire hanger to be the new antenna. What happened to those? Those always made me laugh and now I can't laugh at them anymore. Talk about a lack of joy-joy feelings...

I'm going here!

2010-03-02T05:49:00.000-06:00

So, I was in Uptown this weekend and saw this "salon"? Click on the picture to see a close-up of all the "services". Here they are, in order:
- Pedicures
- Manicures
- Colonics
- Nutrition
- Psychology
- Counseling
- Cut
- Color
- Naturopathic Doctor
- Massage
- Bodywork
- Retail Sales
- Facials
- Healing Touch
- Human Design
- Homeopath
- Hypnosis

Quite an array there, huh? I'm thinking odds are, when I go there, I'm going to get a colonic and a massage while receiving some counseling. I assume the same person will do all of those at the same time...

No post?

2010-03-01T09:24:00.003-06:00

That's right. The train has derailed. I totally forgot to make a post for today. I've heard from one person who was very, very upset. So...sorry Mom...I swear a new one will be up tomorrow...

T-Paw?

2010-02-26T03:52:00.000-06:00

So, for some reason, Alison got an e-mail from the Tim Pawlenty campaign people. The subject was "T-Paw Meets the Press"

Really? T-Paw? That's what you're going to call yourself when you send out campaign literature. Well, I guess it worked for A-Rod when he was voted King of the Centaurs...

Nice job picky...

2010-02-25T02:46:00.000-06:00

So, I was pulling into the Target parking lot, when a truck was pulling out and he was taking a WIDE turn, causing me to have to slam on my breaks or be hit. I should mention, he was picking his nose while making the turn (more deadly than cell phones!).

So, as he went by, I gave him the stink eye...and then I noticed what was on the side of his truck:

SEARS DRIVING SCHOOL

Yep...old Picky McnoSepick is a certified instructor, teaching other people how to drive, while almost causing accidents.

Then again, what do you really want when you get taught to drive by Ted Danson's favorite clothing retailer??

You know what...

2010-02-24T02:28:00.000-06:00

when someone says the thing they're best at is Wii Bowling...you might not want to talk to that person much anymore. There's probably a good chance they are a sociopath...

Mr. Handyman

2010-02-23T02:01:00.000-06:00

That's right, Mr. Fixit has strucken again. After all the do-it-yourself jobs I've done around the house (putting up crooked shelves (they weren't crooked when I bought them...I just made them that way), hanging things on the wall crookedly, etc.) I had one more chore I had to take on. I had to change the weather stripping on the door to our garage.

Only I wasn't sure it was called weatherstripping. So, I went to Lowe's...went to the door department and ambled around for a bit. Finally I asked a guy, and I described what I was looking for.

Brent: You know...that foamy stuff that goes between the door and the frame.
Guy: You mean a door stop?
Brent: I don't know.
Guy: Walks and show Brent a wooden doorstop.
Brent: No. It's more...um...foamy. Squishy. Like softer Silly Putty.
Guy: You mean weather stripping?
Brent: Yes! I guess.
Guy: So, I guess you're pretty handy.
Brent: walks away in shame

So, anyway, once that was done and the guy got done laughing at me, I got home and installed it. And now if I can just get the door back on the hinges, we're golden!

I just realized...

2010-02-22T07:28:00.002-06:00

that Ted Danson is coming out with a new movie. First of all, who's putting Ted Danson in a movie? No matter that you want it to be 1988 Richard Moll, it isn't and Ted Danson will not draw a crowd (except maybe Whoopi and the cast of the View). And second of all...Ted Danson is still acting? Who knew?

Regardless...I boycott this made up movie that I used for this blog post...

My Next Birthday Present...

2010-02-19T05:46:00.001-06:00

I know what you're thinking. Brent, you bring me moderate joy. What could I get you for your birthday?

Well, since you asked, I want this (even though the grammar on it is sub-par at best...I'll let it slide. Especially if Klassik Stak shows up!):

Looks like the Hired Goons got a new member!

Also, for only $7,500, you can have Haystak perform in your town. I wish Alison and I had known that for our wedding. Would have been WELL worth it!

Gross...

2010-02-18T05:17:00.000-06:00

So, I was cleaning out Khloe's litter box and I saw something blue and shiny. Unfortunately, I decided I needed to look closer. Overcoming the nastiness that is the smell of a litter box, I went in for a closer look.

What was it, you ask.

It was a blue piece of ribbon, with little dingleberries on each end of it.

Yep, she ate a piece of ribbon from one of Alison's birthday presents, it worked its way through her little system and came out the backdoor.

Gross. Well, at least it didn't strangle her insides. I have a feeling I'm going to end up regret getting this present for her....

Betty White Movement?

2010-02-17T02:38:00.000-06:00

Apparently, there is some new movement on Facebook to get Betty White to host SNL (Betty White movement) .

Seems like they're a little late on the get up. I've been a proponent of a Golden Girls renaissance for years (Betty White nude). I think it's about time America catches up.

Now, if they can just catch up with my eye patch idea...

Red Robin?

2010-02-16T04:12:00.000-06:00

So, we went to the best hamburger place in the world last Saturday (it's Red Robin for those of you who don't know...I'd get the Sauteed 'Shroom Burger) and we ran into some people we knew on the way out:

Friend: So what are you doing here?
Alison: Oh, this is Brent's favorite place for burgers, so we decided to come.
Friend: You like this place?
Brent: Yeah!
Friend: Why?
Brent: speechless

Are you kidding? Why? Because I can actually taste things and I enjoy life. I'm not a stuffed up nerd who wouldn't know something good if it knocked out their pocket protector. That's why. Man, am I fired up. You're next!

The Sullivan Nod

2010-02-14T14:46:00.001-06:00

When I worked at Chi-Chi's they taught us about the Sullivan Nod, which is basically slightly nodding when you say something that you want someone to do. So, I'd say, "Want to go to Red Robin for dinner?" while nodding and then Alison is supposed to say yes.

I'd say it doesn't often work...

Made-up words...

2010-02-12T04:00:00.000-06:00

So, when I'm frustrated, I've taken to making up new words or using words that don't make sense (like Butters on South Park does when he's upset...Oh Hamburgers!). Apparently, this drives Alison crazy. I know not why.

Some of the new words I've been using:
Marf
Flang
Blunk
Snag
A Factory
Frag
Murt
Hort

Listen to the War of the Roses with Janessa

2010-02-11T07:10:00.001-06:00

I thought this was hilarious when I heard it. Fantastic. Fantastic.

What do you do about the Prius recall?

2010-02-10T02:45:00.000-06:00

I guess you've have to invent a way-back machine, go way back to before you bought that Prius and then shoot the Past You for even thinking about buying that hippie mobile. Other than that, I guess you're screwed...

Ugh...snow

2010-02-09T07:01:00.001-06:00

Man...I thought the snow was done for the season. Little did I know. I just hate the winter. I know what you're going to ask...why do I live in Minnesota then. Easy answer...that's where my house is. Kind of a dumb question for you to ask, don't you think?

Super Bowl Party...

2010-02-08T05:54:00.000-06:00

As we were on the way to an actual Super Bowl Party, we went by this sign right by our house...

Really? A Super Bowl Party put on by a bunch of realtors. Nice. How much of a loser do you have to be to end up at that? Unless they had build your own burgers. Wait...I bet they did have build your own burgers. They should have put that on the sign. I would have stopped by...

...And I almost spit my pop out...

2010-02-05T02:58:00.001-06:00

I saved this clip for Alison to watch, because I pre-watch Tosh.0, American Dad, Family Guy and the Cleveland Show and then just show her any parts that I think are funny.

I was laughing so hard, I thought my insides were going to become outsides. She was not. From her reaction to this clip, I can probably just stop saving them for her.

Radar Detector...

2010-02-04T01:39:00.000-06:00

So, I was gassing up the car at Costco (go cheaper gas...I'm taking that 2.40 to the BANK!), when I looked over at the car next to me. It was a minivan. What brand, I don't really know, but if you're curious about minivan brands, I don't really want to talk to you.

Anyway, as I said, I looked over at the minivan and noticed that they had a radar detector.

That's right.......a radar detector.

Who in the world are you needing a radar detector in a minivan? Who in the world are you, Andy Green out in Blackrock?

How about this...instead of a radar detector, you invest in not driving 25 miles an hour over the speed limit when your kids are sitting in the back of your minivan. Hmm? How about that. Yeah...that might be nice.

Spirit Airlines MUFF ad...

2010-02-03T02:18:00.002-06:00

So, Petredis sends me this e-mail about the new MUFF plan for Spirit Airlines (thanks for the heads up):
Not to be confused with their less popular BOOB plan to solve checked baggage:

Bring
Only
One
Bag

Rear Windshield Wiper?

2010-02-02T03:18:00.000-06:00

Why do SUV's have rear windshield wipers but you rarely see one on a car? I mean...I'd like to be able to clear the back in a seconds notice on my car. I think it's a form of discrimination. Seriously. I'm pretty sure I know what it feels like to be Renee Zelwegger now...

Dinner?

2010-02-01T02:57:00.000-06:00

So, Alison and I were deciding where to go to dinner yesterday and the following conversation happened:

Brent: So, where do you want to go to dinner?
Alison: I thought we said Ruby Tuesday's?
Brent: Ruby Tuesday?!? More like Ruby TODAY!!
Alison: sighs
Alison: You're the worst.

Brad and Angelina breaking up?

2010-01-29T03:26:00.000-06:00

This is shocking! I mean, if you can't have a stable relationship with someone who wears a vial of blood around there neck, who can you have a stable relationship with?

Crazy...

Yes...Angelina Jolie is crazy...

Ahhh...the DMV...

2010-01-28T02:36:00.000-06:00

So, I went to re-new the tabs on my car yesterday and I got to go to the DMV. Good times.

Once I was called, I had this conversation with a delightful lady:

Lady: Paperwork?
Brent: Here you go.
Lady: You're the third person I've had in today.
Brent: Huh?
Lady: Alright, sign this.
Brent: Um. Okay.
Lady: 20 minutes.
Brent: What?
Lady: All done.
Brent: What about 20 minutes?
Lady: We're finished. You can go.

So...that was that, I guess. I have to imagine she had some sort of bluetooth or something I couldn't see and was talking to one of her "friends"...at least, I hope that was the case...

Why don't I get e-mail like this anymore?

2010-01-27T04:16:00.002-06:00

Apparently (as we all know), my blog has taken a turn for the worse.
Maybe I need to go to Target more?

Fri, March 17, 2006 11:29:32 AM From: Will
To: Brent

Brent,

You were in my dream last night. We were hanging

out somewhere, and I kept raving to you about

how good your blog has been recently.

No lie...and creepy

I'm pretty sure...

2010-01-26T08:18:00.002-06:00

this is not a conversation that normal people would have:

Brent: You know why gold is awesome?
Justin: It's gold?
Brent: Because it's gold!
Brent: Dang...you already said that.
Justin: Idiot...

Menards

2010-01-25T06:22:00.005-06:00

So, I was driving by Menard's and the scrolling marquee outside the store said:

Windshield washer fluid only $1.99!!!

And I'm looking at it, wondering if that's even a good deal. I have no idea how much windshield washer fluid costs regularly. 99 cents? 5 dollars? I have no idea.

All I know is that a scrolling marquee telling me it's $1.99 is not going to get me to come into that store and buy some. Then again, most things aren't going to get me to step foot into a Menard's...

Ugh...

2010-01-22T06:21:00.000-06:00

So, I was at Target, getting assorted goods. I was in the express lane, so I had less than 10 items (because I'm not a d-bag and sneak in there with 15-20 items like some losers do), but it was enough to fit it all in one bag.

But they weren't all the same thing. I think there was some Windex and some ground beef. Also, a cat toy, or something like that (why don't I go look what was actually there...because then I'd have to move off my duff and that is not happening).

I go through the line and the woman back there starts bagging the items. And she puts them all in the same bag. Which is fine...I don't care.

But as she hands me the bag, she says, "Is one bag okay for all that?"

Kind of late on the quick there, huh? You wouldn't want to ask that before bagging the items, now would you??

Year One at Office Depot

2010-01-21T01:58:00.000-06:00

So, I was at Office Depot yesterday and up by the register, in the impulse buy section, was Year One (starring Jack Black) for 19.99.

Seriously? Who thought that was a good idea? I wouldn't even pay 1.99 for that movie. And who's going to have an impulse to buy that at Office Depot? I wish I could meet the person who had the idea to put it there, so I could karate chop them in the eye, so they know how it feels...

Gigli?

2010-01-20T05:13:00.002-06:00

So, Alison was browsing the 99 cent downloads on Amazon and the following came up:

Really? A retard? That's their plot outline? And how in the world is this the #3 download in anything?? Unless the category was "movies containing the word Gig", behind The Big Gig and Liian iso keikka aka Too Big Gig.

Depressed Cat...

2010-01-19T05:10:00.000-06:00

Well, since we got Khloe, it's made our good cat, Klyde, depressed. He doesn't come sleep on the bed anymore and he won't go anywhere that Khloe is. Hopefully he gets over it soon, because basically we broke our best cat (Klyde) by getting a cat that likes to scratch up all the furniture (Khloe).

Alison chose poorly for her Christmas gift...

Better Off Ted has stolen from me...

2010-01-18T03:37:00.000-06:00

I did this exact same "joke" to my brother Kevin when I was about 16 and my parents were out of town. I accidentally pulled a cabinet door off (I know...I know...I'm an idiot), so I placed it just so back on there and stood there and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

For someone to come to need something out of that cabinet. It took what seemed like an ice age, but Kevin finally came to the cabinet, opened it...and it came right off in his hand.

Of course, my immediate reaction was, "What did you do???"

You can see why my family loved me when I was younger...

Is Tony Clark the Candyman?

2010-01-15T03:01:00.000-06:00

So, I was watching Baseball Tonight about the McGwire story a couple days ago (and...still my favorite baseball player of all time) and Tony Clark was the new anchor on there. I never realized before, but that guy looks just like the Candyman.

Or maybe I'm just semi-racist? Either way...this guy is creeping me out...

They need to have that guy stop staring right into the camera. It feels like he's looking right into my soul and me no likey.

That's not how you win friends...

2010-01-14T02:19:00.000-06:00

So, I was looking on-line for some jeans and I came across the following picture...

Come on man...that's not nice.

Name change...

2010-01-13T02:21:00.001-06:00

Alison just couldn't take it. She didn't want to call a girl cat a boys name...so we had to come up with a new name. So...Kliff is no longer the name and the new name is...

Khloe...yep...just like Khloe Kardashian. Ugh. I guess that makes me Bruce Jenner, so there is something good that came out of it...

You can put that YOGA back in the FRIDGE t-shirt!

2010-01-12T04:43:00.000-06:00

Well...looks like I was right and it made an awesome t-shirt. Now, if only palmercash.com or someone would actually create it...

Yoga

2010-01-11T04:23:00.000-06:00

So, Alison and I were talking last night and the following took place:

Brent: I feel like such an old man. My body aches all the time.
Alison: That's because you don't take care of it.
Brent: Huh?
Alison: You do all that heavy lifting. You need to do something more for agility. You need to do something like Yoga.
Brent: (thinks for a minute)
Brent: You can put that Yoga back in the fridge!
Alison: (looks at Brent like he has mental issues)

And then I laughed for about 5 minutes at my lame joke and said how cool it would be to have that on a t-shirt. Then Alison hit me where I got my shot...and then the laughing stopped.

Kliff's a girl!

2010-01-08T05:44:00.001-06:00

Just went to the vet yesterday and it turns out...Kliff is a girl. Interesting. She asked what we were changing her name to. I looked at her like she was crazy...her name is Kliff. It's like on Friends...

Chandler: So, uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Phoebe: Works on you.

That's right...Chandler and Kliff...very masculine names for a girl...

The Bachelor

2010-01-07T02:58:00.000-06:00

Seriously, I can't stand this new Bachelor. All he talks about is how humble and nice he is, when you can tell he's actually a huge arrogant, conceited, cocky loser who thinks he's the greatest gift to women since sliced bread.

That being said, I think he picks that Ali chick in the end. And I will continue to watch the show...

Meet Kliff!

2010-01-06T02:57:00.000-06:00

So, Alison got a new Kitten for Christmas. His name...Mr. Kliff Nelson. He looks surprisingly like Klyde, only smarter and more with it.

Toilet Kitten?

2010-01-05T04:06:00.002-06:00

So, I'm getting Alison a kitten for Christmas and I've been scouring craigslist, trying to find their brightest, free-est kitten, when I came across this ad:

Kitten Ad

Check out the picture on the ad...I don't feel comfortable posting it here...

Aww...

Picture 1: Cute. The kitten probably just woke up from a nap!
Picture 2: Cute. He likes being pet!
Picture 3: Umm...some kid sitting on the toilet, holding the cat in front of him so his mom can take a picture and put it on the internet. Alright...
Picture 4: Cute. The kitten likes to hide!

I'm back!

2010-01-04T07:14:00.002-06:00

So, we were in Arizona last week and was we drove by the Boulders resort, Alison mentioned that she had stayed there when she was younger. In fact, it was the same room that Pam Anderson had stayed int he week before. I said I hope the room was sterilized before they got there.

Zing! Back.

Christmas Music...

2009-12-28T04:30:00.001-06:00

So, during the holidays, Alison likes to listen to Christmas music on the radio. Which is fine. Whatever. We all have our drawbacks.

So, we were driving to the airport on the 26th and she was listening to Christmas music and I said:

"Man, every year, they start playing this stuff earlier and earlier..."

because they're already playing it for next yer. And then she punched me and I kept any further clever observations to my own person...

The Jerky Contest!

2009-12-25T04:41:00.000-06:00

My dad reminded me this week that I was in a beef jerky contest a couple of years ago, so I decided to see if the link to it still works...and it does!

So...here you, though voting is done with...

Hey Jerky, What's Your Beef?

Classy guy I am...classy guy. I wish my nerds would have won it for me...instead, we got demolished:

Results

Air Freshners?

2009-12-24T03:45:00.000-06:00

I was driving behind a VW bug yesterday (I know...gross...who even has those?) and it had, not one, not two, but three (THREE!) of those pine tree air fresheners swinging about in the car. 3!

How can you possibly smell that bad that you need that many? I mean, you get in the car with one of those and you'll probably say, "Yikes...didn't realize we were going to Yosemite". They're strong...He-Man strong.

Yet this guy (yes...it was a guy driving the bug) had such terribly strong BO that he needed three! How many decomposing bodies were in his back seat?

I think if someone gets pulled over and they have more than one of those things in the car, it should be grounds to search the car for body parts, because they're definitely hiding something...

7 times...

2009-12-23T03:44:00.000-06:00

Yep...that's how many times I've watched Harry and the Hendersons since I won it at a Christmas party on Saturday. Man...I came out of there like aces in a fire!

6 year old kills Santa??

2009-12-22T03:12:00.000-06:00

Now THAT is the kind of article I want to read about!

Unfortunately, I read it wrong and it was actually:

Which, lets face it, is not really news...

Ugh...thanks Chanticlear

2009-12-21T04:52:00.000-06:00

Last night, we ordered pizza for pick up from Chanticlear Pizza and when I went there, I was told that the delivery guy grabbed it and took it for a drive, but realized he grabbed the wrong one when he got to the deliver house. So, the pizza we ordered at 5 pm and was done at 5:15, was given to us at 5:55. Mmmm...nothing like luke-warmish pizza...gross.

The e-mail vault:

2009-12-18T03:13:00.007-06:00

Today, I went back to the beginning of my e-mail account to pull an e-mail exchange and see if it was funny. It wasn't....but here it is:

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004 8:54:18 AM
Subject: Mario Kart

Any chance you still have my copy of super mario kart from
school and want to mail it back to me?

From: Will
To: Brent
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004 9:38:28 AM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

yes, i'll be shipping that and all your transformers back to you next
week...idiot

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004 12:21:18 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

maybe you can ship back that Ozzie Timmons rookie card too…

From: Will
To: Brent
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004 3:05:47 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

i'd have to go back to the future to snatch that ozzie timmons
"future stars" topps traded rookie card....man that i hate

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 27, 2004 6:25:30 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

did I leave a penny in your room a couple of years ago? Any way
you could send it back to me?

Dear Vault Zero,

2009-12-17T04:42:00.000-06:00

You, sir, are no Diet Mountain Dew. Not at all.

Nor are you even a Mello Yello, or a Surge.

You are not even a Diet Mountain Fury nor a Diet Mountain Lightning nor a Diet Mountain Mist.

You are repugnant. I can't stand you. Why oh why do I keep giving you a chance and everytime you scorn me?

Well...

2009-12-16T06:43:00.002-06:00

at least it got above zero yesterday.

No...wait...it didn't. I forget how cold it is in the winter until it's actually here. And when it's actually here, I want it to leave. Kind of like if you have a party and invite Ted Danson. At first you think, "Man, that's going to be fun. Ted Danson is coming to my party!"

Then, 3 am rolls around, everyone is gone, except for Ted Danson. And you just can't get him to leave. And all he keeps doing is talking about Whoopi being "The one that got away." until you just want to clobber yourself in the face with a printer...

Shorts Maly on Modern Family

2009-12-15T04:09:00.000-06:00

So, I'm watching Modern Family on ABC (and let's face it, who isn't?) and one of the characters reminds me of one of my friends from college. His facial expressions. His overall general appearance. The inflection of his voice.

So, without further ado, I present Shorts Maly, as played by Phil Dunphy, as played by Ty Burrell:

Sometimes...

2009-12-13T20:35:00.001-06:00

people just need to put 1,000 pounds onto a four-wheeler at 2 in the morning and try to drive it across a "frozen" pond...I'm just sayin'...

You know what gets my goat? Besides Ted Danson...

2009-12-11T04:26:00.001-06:00

When stores/etc ask you for a donation when you're checking out. I mean, if I want to contribute to a charity, I contribute to a charity.

I don't need to send a bag of coffee beans to the soldiers.

I don't even know if the soldiers want coffee.

And if they do want coffee, who's to say they want Caribou coffee?

And if they do want Caribou coffee, who's to say you sent the right kind?

So, basically, by trying to shame me into giving you money to send beans to the soldiers, you could be giving them something they don't really want (like a tent) or something that's the wrong kind (like baseball cards instead of football cards) and all it's really going to do is make them mad and your "nice gesture" has turned into an insult.

Because you're basically sending them garbage that they're just going to throw away, all because you had to try to make me feel like a d-bag for not donating to your "beans for soldiers" campaign.

I might as well take that dollar bill, spit on it, and lend it to Ted Danson for all the good it's going to really do in the world.

Now, you might have realized that I went to Caribou Coffee yesterday and they're running this "Beans for Soldiers" campaign.

If you haven't heard about it, they send...

Is Avatar going to be like Ishtar?

2009-12-10T04:36:00.000-06:00

Short answer...yes.

300 million dollars for Avatar? And it looks like a bunch of blue weird looking blobs? Why would I go to see this? At least Ishtar had Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty in it.

The preview for Avatar is terrible, at best. I'm not saying it's going to be the worst movie ever (you can keep that title Tropic Thunder), but it looks like a cheap version of those old Star Trek movies. Which might being in Trekkies, but I just can't see this movie making back it's money.

Then again, I really liked Fled, so I'm not the expert here...

Another bumper sticker...

2009-12-09T03:50:00.000-06:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I don't get bumper stickers. I don't get them at all. Why do you put them on your car? Seriously.

I saw this one today and was a little stunned. I mean really, what do you do here? Is this for real?

Do you give them the thumbs down, meaning, "I don't condone murder". Or do you just frown at them when you roll by, in sympathy? What are they looking for you to do?

I honked at them, because that frickin' loser didn't know what a green light meant...

Purity Made Simple Directions

2009-12-08T03:35:00.000-06:00

So, Alison has this facial cleanser called "Purity made simple" and I was reading the directions for it (I do not lie...these are word for word the directions).

directions: at the end of each day or at the beginning of each morning, take a small amount of purity made simple, a little water and massage onto skin for 30-60 seconds. rinse. take a leisurely pace when washing yourself clean. cleanliness is a new beginning. when you feel clean you can begin being who you really are.

A simple "wash your face with this stuff" wouldn't suffice? It's like getting directions to a hotel from from Ted Danson...

Jersey Bore?

2009-12-07T05:22:00.000-06:00

Man, I think I might have totally Waterboyed the show Jersey Shore.

We watched the 2 hour premiere over the weekend and it was okay. I mean, sure, there was some fist pumping and a fight (and they showed a preview where snickers gets punched in the face at a club) but overall, it was pretty slow.

I hope it improves. I mean...I'm not going to stop watching. It's not like it's the Real World Brooklyn or something terrible like that. But...I set my sights too high...

Deal of the Century!

2009-12-04T03:50:00.000-06:00

Alright, now you all know I'm a sucker for a deal (example A and example B and Example C) but I think (think) I've found something like the Punch Drunk Love deal, but not. I mean...nothing is that good of a deal.

Anyway, at Rainbow this week, if you guy 6 boxes of General Mills cereal, you get $10 off the purchase. And it just so happens that Reese's Puffs is my cereal of choice at the moment.

Some quick math:

6 boxes of Reese's Puffs: $24.54
After $10 discount: $14.54
Less $1.00 coupon for buying at least 3 boxes (different coupon): $13.54

Then, on each of the boxes, there is a deal where if you guy two boxes, you get 1 free movie ticket (up to a $12 value).

So, with 6 boxes, that's 3 movie tickets (and movie tickets are as good as cash in this house)

Which means $13.54 less $36.00 which gives me a grand total of: -$22.46

So, basically, they just paid me $22.46 to take 6 boxes of Reese's Puffs off their hands.

Pretty sure I might make one more run at this if I can find space for all these boxes of cereal!

Why?

2009-12-03T03:27:00.000-06:00

I think I might be the laziest person in the world. Alison wants lights on our deck and I don't want to do it. I did it the first year we were in our house. It was terrible. Then, two years ago, I just threw them on the deck in a big ball, which wasn't too hard, but Alison didn't appreciate it as much as I did. Last year, I didn't do anything and it was the best, but Alison's happiness was exactly opposite of my glee.

So, this year she wants the lights out there again and I really, really, really don't want to. So...you know what that means...

We'll have the lights out there sometime this week...

Fishsticks and Tator Tots and Strawberry Quick!

2009-12-02T03:35:00.001-06:00

Well, I'd prefer some chocolate rain, but who's going to mess with that combo??

Charlie Weiss is a Lesbian Rodney Dangerfield?

2009-12-01T04:53:00.001-06:00

So, I was reading about Charlie Weiss being fired from Notre Dame and they had the following picture in the article:

I couldn't look away. It was like a train-wreck. It looks like Rodney Dangerfield had an affair with a lesbian golf pro. Seriously...that body is disturbing at best...