Apprentice XI

I am so pumped for Chris to go insane, I can’t even describe it. It’s like when they unveiled the new flavor of Dorito’s; I haven’t slept for days and I’m beginning to wonder if life can even continue after such a monumental event (letdown alert! Letdown alert!) If NBC made this seem bigger than life…I may jump. Off of what, I won’t say…

I really can’t stand Trump. If I had a magic lamp, one wish is him and Mark Cuban go toe-to-toe in the Octagon…to the death. If only I had a magic lamp…

Wow! Six whole pizzas! Awesome!

I think hitting the dorms is a really good idea. Especially if the kids are stoned. Or even if they’re not stoned, they’ll probably still buy pizza. But they’ll buy more if they’re stoned. What if they made a cross-promotion with free weed but actually use oregano? C’mon folks; cross-promotion!

I don’t think Alex was hitting on those girls. I mean really, if you think about it, those were some “white ribbon at the county fair” chicks. Isn’t Alex better than that?

Physically, I don’t think Trump could have been a rapper in a former life. I mean really, rap didn’t start until the 70’s. He was born before the 70’s. Do the math Kendra.

Tana is such a nerd.

Damn you NBC! Why? Why must you always hype an event so much and then have it be such a letdown? Your previews are like the Crystal Pepsi of the cola world!

My prediction for a winner after week 10: Still Kendra. I guess. No one did anything though. Whatever.

Things I hate in an office...

People who wear too much cologne/perfume - Just because you shop at J. Crew, I don't want to smell it. Same thing if you shop at Target. Or Wal-Mart. Just smell normal...not strong...or bad.

People with bad breath - Um...hi, they're called Tic-tacs. Don't close-talk me freak-o. Great googily moogily, stand 14 feet away when you talk to me. Or better yet, look into e-mail. It's not that tough Bob.

People who think they're important - Guess what chica, just because you make copies for the VP in Charge of HR, it doesn't make you my boss. You're just a glorified secretary. Administrative assistant? Come on...

Pointless meetings - Or pretty much any meeting. Why spend an hour deciding something that would have taken 5 minutes to go over in an e-mail? Oh, yeah, because you want to feel important (see above).

People who can't make decisions - Guess what Buck-o, it's not my call. You're the Controller. It's your decision. I don't care what you do. Just pick one or the other so I can go on with my job. And if you can't decide, I'll gladly take over your salary and make the decision. I'm surprised you can get dressed in the morning.

"It's not my fault" syndrome - Yes, nothing is your fault. You're like the flippin' Virgin Mary herself, aren't you? Take some responsibility for your actions (see above) and own what you do. If you make a mistake, don't pawn it off on the customers, the Twins, or tetanus from the nail you stepped on last night.

Busy work - Stacking stuff. Filing. Jesus. Can we hire a monkey to do that, not an intern that's making over 18 dollars an hour? I have a 6 year-old that can do that job, probably for nickels. We're hemorrhaging money here and you want to spend more?

Bad decisions not based on facts - Just because you want to do something and we won't get the business unless you offer a certain price, that doesn't mean we want the business!! If we're going to make less than a penny on the dollar, maybe, do we really want to do it? Apparently. I guess bad decisions are almost as bad as indecisions. At least look at the facts and listen to your finance people. Humor us!

2005 Final Twins Stats

Record: 87 - 75, 2nd AL Central

c: Joe Mauer .321 avg, 18 HR, 87 RBI, 120 games
1b: Justin Morneau .278 avg, 33 HR, 112 RBI
2b: Luis Rivas .257 avg, 67 runs, 18 SB, 5 errors
3b: Mike Cuddyer .263 avg, 24 HR, 101 RBI
ss: Jason Bartlett .297 avg, 11 HR, 87 runs
LF: Jacque Jones .312 avg. 26 HR, 98 runs, 90 RBI
CF: Torii Hunter .284 avg, 31 HR, 108 RBI, 24 SB
RF: Shannon Stewart .318 avg, 13 HR, 118 runs, 6 SB
DH: Lew Ford .307 avg, 19 HR, 96 RBI

SP: Johan Santana 18-5, 3.20 era, 284 K's
SP: Brad Radke 14-9, 3.80 era
SP: Kyle Lohse 15-7, 3.72 era, 196 K's
SP: Carlos Silva 10-11, 4.89 era
SP: Joe Mays 9-9, 4.42 era

CL: Joe Nathan 2-4, 2.71 era, 41-46 saves/opps

Apprentice X

I don’t know how happy I am with the prayer circle, reading poetry and “expressing feelings”. What happened to the fighting? Isn’t this some sort of competition? Can you pray to God for someone else to lose? Is that right? Is that ethical? I’m looking at you on this one PETA.

Yes, a ton of people don’t know anything about building stuff. It’s true. Just don’t be a bitch about it. And no one cares if you’re a former beauty queen. And it must have been pretty slim pickings that year. Who was the competition? Between you, a fence and a goat?

I built a box in 8th grade shop class. About 12 other people built the same box. The first 10 got B’s on theirs, so I said to my friend that everyone who built this must get a B. My teacher overheard me and gave me a B minus on mine. From that day forward, I am very anti-box.

Chris was dropping f-bombs during his presentation. Well, at least George, Carolyn and the Home Depot execs weren’t watching. Oh wait. Well, on the bright side, he did do this dip-free. That has to count for something.

I think if you’re ever in a flight suit on a tarmac, you owe it to yourself to say “You can be my wingman anytime.”

Erin walks like a Yetti. I’m just sayin’…

I am very excited for Chris to go insane next week. It's been building for awhile. Should be good times. Steve Urkel good!

My prediction for a winner after week 10: Still Kendra. I guess. Though I think Alex is really good too.

Dear Jason Whitlock...

Thank you Jason. Thank you for understanding the steroids in baseball "issue". It's absolutely insane and almost every article I read makes me want to peel my skin off and take an acid bath. Yours is the first one that actually makes sense and puts issues out there that no one is talking about.

I don't normally see eye to eye with your views, but we are on par here. Why the sudden interest in steroids, while the double standard of alcohol goes unchecked? One of my biggest issues with the whole circus is bringing in two families who had their sons commit suicide. How do they know it was because of steroids? Were there notes stating so? Do they have a Oiuja board? It seems like rampant speculation to me.

I am also against the doctors being brought in. Sure, steroids can cause health defects if abused. No one is denying that. Same thing can be said of aspirin. Same thing can be said of Nyquil. How does having doctors explaining the ramifications of the abuses of steroids help baseball?

I believe this whole thing is because of The Apprentice. Congress saw how much face time that The Donald was getting and they want to put on a show now too. Do they care about the 'youth of america'? Sure. But they care about getting their mug on TV (Cold Pizza perhaps) about a thousand times more. Isn't this the perfect time, what with Canseco's unprovable book out and Bonds chase for Ruth? When else is the Republican rep from Kansas going to see himself on Sportscenter? Better strike while the iron is hot.

Again, thanks for pointing out the absurdity of it all. All the best...

David Carusso opening lines...

Lt. Horatio Caine (played by the brilliant and slightly mkisunderstood David Carusso) is famous for his opening lines in CSI:Miami. They always proceed the opening credits and it gets the show off to a fantastic ride that you don't ever want to end! He's like the Danny Tanner of forensic crime dramas! I have listed 5 opening Caine lines here...or have I?

One of the following is one I made up, but the rest of them are actually opening lines. Can you tell which one is the fake?

• Det Frank Tripp: Friends said she came down to drink Mojitas and catch some sun.
  Lt. Horatio Caine: Well…looks like (puts on sunglasses)…something caught her.
  
• Eric Delko: Don’t we have jurisdiction?
  Lt. Horatio Caine: Conditions like this, the only one with jurisdiction (puts on sunglasses)…is the fire.
  
• Detective Yelina Salas: All they wanted was to sit back, relax and take a load off.
  Lt. Horatio Caine: Looks like someone already unloaded (puts on sunglasses)…on them.
  
• Chief Medical Examiner Alexx Woods: You don’t fall three stories, get up, and run away.
  Lt. Horatio Caine: (puts on sunglasses) You do…if you’ve got something to hide.
  
• Det Frank Tripp: They call it speed dating. Owner says our victim had 15 dates.
  Lt. Horatio Caine: (sunglasses already on) Well, you know what they say Frank…speed kills.

In honor...

In honor of my mom's birthday, I have attached a link to an audio file of Chewbacca singing the Alan Thicke classic we all know and love, The Facts of Life theme song! Go Chewy! Enjoy...

Mom's Birthday Present

Apprentice IX

I’m going to lay it on the table. I normally hate special editions of reality shows. If the parts were so ‘special’, why weren’t they in the original episode? I hope I’m wrong here.

God, I feel bad for them. They’re all stuck in “Training Video Hell.” Seems every restaurant has these. However, I did learn the “Sullivan Nod” when I watched one of these at Chi-chi’s. It’s when you subtly nod your head when you’re asking the person if they want something, such as (whilst nodding) “You want a Diet Coke”. Apparently, this gets them to drop all inhibitions and order what you’re selling. I want to know who this Sullivan is and how big his team of monkeys was that came up with this.

FYI: I just googled “Sullivan Nod” and the first entry says it even works over the phone. I can’t make this stuff up…

That woman flicked Danny off after she honked at him. She must have been upset with his performance in the first episode…or maybe the fact that he looks like Shaggy got under her skin…

If anyone is going to become an axe murderer from this show, it will definitely be Chris. Or Danny.

Honestly…I hate flashback shows. They really draw my ire. Which is why I’m cutting it off early, but I will leave you with these naked pictures of Bea Arthur. Bea Arthur? Outstanding!

It sucks...

It sucks that Taylor Hooton hung himself. My heart goes out to his family and all of his friends. I hope and pray that I never have to go through a similar situation. It seems like he had a lot going for him and nothing good ever comes out of a teenager taking his own life.

It sucks that Mr. Hooton has become convinced that steroids were the catalyst for Taylor’s suicide. Just because you find a couple of syringes in the room, would you automatically assume they were the cause of his death? If you found a pack of cigarettes or a bag of marijuana, would you jump to the conclusion that they caused Taylor to hang himself?

It sucks that Mr. Hooton has started using his son’s name to jump on the “Anti-Steroid” bandwagon. I know that he is going through an emotional hell and he wants something tangible to blame for taking his son. Just because you want something to blame, it doesn’t mean that there is something there. Like the Columbine shootings, we will never know what was going through the young mans mind at the time. Sometimes mysteries just can’t be solved.

It sucks that Congress is bringing Mr. Hooton to testify. If this were a hearing on teen suicide, Mr. Hooton would be an expert witness. If he is asked any questions about his son’s steroid use and the role of that in Taylor’s suicide, it will all be hearsay. He has no knowledge if the steroids caused the suicide or not. Any testimony he gives will be emotional, but not factual.

It sucks that Congress has taken the time to call baseball players to testify. This time could be better spent working on dead beat parents and alcoholism in families. Tens of thousands of more children will be affected by those two than will be affected by steroids.

It sucks that people jump to conclusions about steroid use due to undue media attention and inaccuracies. Most of the side effects of steroids are due to abuse, not use. The same thing can be said of many other drugs, from aspirin to Viagra.

It sucks that people are judging these baseball players based on the word of Jose Canseco. Jose Canseco! This is a man who went through all of his money and was on the edge of bankruptcy; then he magically found a way to get himself back into the forefront of the public’s eye.

It sucks that people are guilty until proven innocent on a topic where they can’t be exonerated because there is no evidence.

It sucks that the media is making this such a big deal. This is essentially almost a non-story. Now everyone and their mother thinks that steroids are prescribed by Satan himself and the psycho on the corner is suffering from “roid rage”, not good old fashioned alcoholism.

It sucks that I get mad every time I read an article talking about keeping Mark McGwire out of the Hall of Fame because he did something that wasn’t against the rules of the game.

It sucks. The whole thing.

Vikings II...

Signings:

• Pat Williams – discussed in this space previously (under the heading Jason Ferguson) Yes, this is a great signing. Yes this was an obvious signing. No, you didn’t have to be Miss Clio to see it coming. I understand.
  
  Hopefully this will free up Kevin Williams a bit and take the edge out of opposing run games for the first two downs. Two things to watch for are his weight and how many downs he plays.
  
• Fred Smoot – discussed in this space previously. This is a fantastic signing and has now shored up our cornerbacks. This frees up Brian Williams to move into the nickel back role, which he is much more suited for. Now, we have two cornerbacks who can step up to the run and Smoot is on his way to becoming a legitimate shutdown corner (or as much of a shutdown corner that the new pass interference rules will allow).
  
  I like the fact that Smoot is a talker. We need some people like that in the secondary. Especially some people who can back up the talk (I’m looking at you Brian Williams). We don’t need Shooter McGavin back there, we need Happy Gilmore; someone who can play the game and back that up with his talk, not talk big and shrink under pressure.
  
• Darren Sharper – This is a much needed signing. The safety position needed to be upgraded and Sharper is a huge upgrade over Brian Russell. It’s like we’re getting rid of Creed and replacing them with Pearl Jam. I can’t put into words how much I’ve wanted a different safety back there.
  
  Ideally, we would have upgraded this position with the second first round pick (I’ll discuss that later) but there were indications that Thomas Davis wouldn’t have been available in that spot anyway. As long as Sharper can come back from the injury that held him back last year, this should be a bang up signing.
  
• Travis Taylor – This is a guy who had to go around and beg for a job. He asked the Vikings to bring him in. So, is this a good signing? Depends on what the contract is. Is it the veteran minimum? Then it's fine. He's going to be relegated to 4th receiver once they draft Williams or Edwards (to be discussed more later). I think this ends the Plastico talk also (though Drew Rosenhaus pretty much ended that when he became the new agent).
  
  Now, could Taylor be good? I think so. Look at the QB's and offense he’s had in at Baltimore. Gawd awful. Dilfer, Banks, Boller, Cunningham, Grbac...these are some of the starters he worked with. It's like having Jerry Rice have to catch passes from the QB from Little Giants. It’s not going to work.
  
  As much as I hate saying it about a guy this old, I think he has upside. I know he's about 27 and potential should not be said about people that old, but he has potential, because he's never played in a passing offense or with a QB who was better than the QB's at Florida.
  
  So, he has a chance to move up to the number 3 receiver (ahead of Robinson) and make a bit of a difference. For the price (if it is as low as I think it is) it's a good deal. Otherwise, it's probably a wasted bit of money. But they have the cap room, so why not?
  
• Brad Johnson – Ahhh…reliving the glory days. Maybe they can bring Randall back too and make it a good 1-2 punch. Hopefully Culpepper doesn’t get hurt because Johnson has nothing left in the tank and Shaun Hill could barely start in the Arena League. I would have tried to shell out a bit more to keep Ferotte around.
  
• I think this should be about it on the free agent front. As mentioned, there is very little chance they will sign Plaxico now. Once he switched over to Drew Rosenhaus as an agent, it became apparent the Vikings weren’t in the plans. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him land in Miami or San Francisco with a 4 or 5 year deal. Rosenhaus has huge ties all over the league.
• There is also very little chance they will still complete a trade for Rod Gardner. He pretty much has to be traded though. His stock is down and the Redskins have treaded all over him. He will not be back with them and he will probably fetch a 4th round pick. He could end up in Seattle.

Draft

• The Vikings currently hold 2 first round picks. Mike Williams tore it up during his pro day and I would be shocked if Braylon Edwards doesn’t do the same thing. So, what does that mean for the Vikings? That means that the Randy Moss trade might not net them a starting receiver from the draft. Which means their plan will go down the drain faster than Ben Affleck. There are strong indications that both of them will be gone by the 6th pick (Edwards to the Bears and Williams to the Bucs).
  
  So, what can they do about it? They’re going to have to package together their first two picks (7 and 18) and trade them with the Browns for their first two picks (3 and the 3rd in the second round). This way, they have a chance to pick Edwards if they want to, or they can take Williams. Or, possibly, take Edwards and work on a trade with the Bears for Williams.
  
  Either way, this makes sense for both parties involved. The Browns are not sure who they want at number 3 anyway and odds are Smith will still be there at 7 if they want him. If he’s not, they can select a franchise back in Cadillac Williams, which I’m sure they will be fine with. They will also have the second first rounder to mess around with.
  
• The other option I see is to keep the pick and hope Williams falls. If he doesn’t, they draft Johnson from Texas with the number 7 and hope Williamson falls to 18, which is a distinct possibility. I don’t like this option as much, since I am now firmly planted on the Mike Williams bandwagon, but this is an option that is worth at least exploring.