Apparently...

there is someone out there who reads my blog. Alison and I got home the other day, and what was in the mailbox? That's right...

M.U.S.C.L.E. MEN!!!!!

So thank you, to the fantastic blog reader, who decided to make it a Merry Christmas in the Nelson household by sending the gift of little plastic pink men...

Vacation...

Now, I've been working hard to do a daily blog for all you daily, M-F. Now, Alison and I are leaving for Arizona today, so there will be no new blogs until next week. I feel your pain.

I will leave you with this (and it's the truth):

Brent: OK, so I added a stat tracker to my blog, to find out how people are finding it in search engines.
Brent: Guess what the search is where over half the people come to my blog is.
Brent: The search most people come to my blog from is...Betty White Nude Photos.
Justin: What?????????????
Brent: Yep...many people are searching for that.
Brent: I have no words....
Brent: It's crazy. It was over 30 searches, from all over the USA.
Justin: So then they just read your blog?
Brent: No, they click on it, don't see any Betty White ass, and click the back button.
Brent: Time spent is typically zero seconds

Go Society!! Am I right people?

Another one...

So, I'm on my way to Jonathan and Adriann's wedding on Friday. I'm in stop and go traffic on 694E, minding my own business, trying to figure out the 15th decimal point in pi, because I'd forgotten.

BAM!!!

All of the sudden, I'm tatered from behind (head out of the gutter Dan) by some truck. I wasn't even moving and I get rear-ended...again Someone hit them, then they hit into me, then I got out of my car and started swearing; you know, the usual chain of events.

But I don't get it. I'd never been hit before I got the Audi, now I've been rear-ended twice in 6 months, and both times I was at a complete stop. I'm like the Houdini of driving, if, you know, Houdini had constantly gotten hit while he sat in traffic.

At least they had insurance...but I'm sure that will be another fun fiasco to deal with...

Professional Model aka Take THAT Huiras

Well, I just got back from my photo shoot at Lifetime and I suppose that makes me a professional model, since I got paid and all.

Overall, it was a great experience. I got there and they put me into the "personal trainer" duds, complete with shirt, jacket and women's medium pants, since the men's medium were too big and there were no men's small.

Then, I got to head on down to make-up, where they covered my gross cuts I get from shaving since I am less than careful when I shave.

I then met the other guy I was modeling with. His name was Wade and he's from Plymouth. He was supposed to be the "client" to my "personal trainer" for the shoot. Wade had done professional modeling in Houston and now he's living up here.

Then, I met the photographer, David Ellis. He said they were going to shoot it documentary style, which meant we just had to sit there and talk, laugh, gesture and they'd just shoot it. So, they sat us down in the LifeCafe (the food court in Lifetime) and just started shooting. They shot three different poses of us (and in one of the poses, my back is to the camera, so they'll probably pick that one...at least my odd shaped head will be noticable) and we were done in about 20 minutes.

The art director came over and said we did a great job. Then, we were background players in another shoot and that one took a bit longer.

They wanted me to come back next Thursday for another shoot, but I told them I was unfortunately going to be out of town, so I couldn't attend. However, I told them to give me a call if they have a need for someone like me in future shoots (how slick am I?).

Overall, I had a great time. We were there only 3 hours and got paid quite a bit for that time. I'd wanted to (obviously) do something like this quite awhile, so it was great to actually have a chance to be on a professional photo shoot. I hope the pictures make it out into a campaign, and if they do, I'll be sure to post them here.

Hopefully, there will be more shoots in the future...

Dicronkulous...

So, I'm looking at the site that linked itself off my webpage through the fabulous ad program and I come across the following ad:

- Notice the price! ($99.99)
- Notice the button! (metal!)
- Notice the saying! (I just want my wife and my girlfriend to get along)
- Notice how many of the flippin' things you have to buy!! (100!!)
- Notice in the close-up below they show what the button would look like it it were on a lapel (had you purchased a blank button...like we don't know what a firkin' button on a shirt looks like)

Is this a joke? I can't even think of a place I would need one of these (not to mention any other buttons, which, let's face it, are basically body bumper stickers and we know the kind of hillbillies that rock bumper stickers) let alone 100! I mean, it's not funny, it's annoying, took 3 nanoseconds of thought to come up with and there are 100 of them!!!! You can be giving this "gag" gift away until someone mercifully "gags" you with an chloroform-infused towel and puts your hilarity out of its misery.

I can only assume that this place has never sold anything. Ever. Not once. Not ever. And if they have, here's a new button I just made that will probably sell just as well as the one above:

About time...

As most of you know, years ago, I moved to L.A. to try to be a model/actor. And, as many of you know, besides "discovering" Village Pizzeria, hanging out nightly with James and delivering salmon and broccoli to Jon Lovitz, it was not a very successful venture.

But now, in good old Minneapolis, I have been contacted by Lifetime Fitness to be a model in their upcoming ad campaign. What kind of model, you ask? Well...I don't have the details, and I could totally mess up the shoot so the pictures end up looking like the Bing/Gellar engagement photos and are unusable. It might also be a group shot of a million people, taken by GoogleEarth and you might not be able to tell it's besides my signature hairstyle. OK, I lied, I have no signature hairstyle.

But the shoot is real (I believe), and it's happening Friday before Jonathan and Adriann's wedding. So, eventually I'll let everyone know how it went. Double crosses people!!

Not the brightest bulb...

This is a conversation I had today with someone I'll call Justin P. No, wait...that's too obvious. He'll be J. Petredis. No...wait....how about Subject A? Yes...that's the ticket...

Subject A: I hope TO goes nuts soon
Brent: You mean MORE nuts?
Brent: hahahahahaha
Brent: ZING!
Brent: BAM!
Brent: THAT'S THE STUFF!!!
Subject A: That made me sad.
Brent: BOYIE!!!
Subject A: I think you should do stand up comedy.
Brent: Already do.
Brent: It's one YouTube.
Subject A: Ae you joking?
Brent: Nope...do a search for Brent Nelson Stand-Up Acme Minneapolis.
Brent: Should be the first one.
Subject A: Really?
Brent: Yep.
Brent: Just a one time thing to see how it went.
Brent: It did not go well.
Subject A: Oh.
Subject A: I will watch.
Subject A: That would be tough.
Subject A: To do stand up.
Brent: Prepare to laugh!!
Subject A: I will let you know my review.
(five minutes pass)
Subject A: I hate you.
Subject A: Why do you mess with me like that?
Subject A: I am very sensitive.
Brent: For hilarity.
Brent: Couldn't find it?
Subject A: No.
Subject A: But well played.
Subject A: I didn't believe you at first...
Subject A: but when you said it didn't go well
Subject A: and
Subject A: prepare to laugh...
Subject A: I was sold.

Normally, I couldn't fool my mother on the foolingest day of my life even if I had an electrified fooling machine! Luckily, I've ran into the most gullible person since Akash...

Rhode Island??

So, Alison and I are watching old episodes of 48 Hours Mystery since the writers' strike is having an adverse effect on decent television to watch (I can only hope that the writers on The Hills can keep it up and they force Spencer to continue to rock it out with his flesh-colored beard).

Anyway, obviously, someone has reached an untimely demise, because that's the point of 48 Hours Mystery. So, this cop is trying to figure out the identity of "Castro Valley's Jane Doe". Castro valley is in California, by the way. (Go geography!!)

And they're interviewing him, and he says the following:

"She could be from anywhere. She could be from Louisiana. She could be from Rhode Island. She..."

Rhode Island? How in the butt do you think that one up? If I were thinking of states that someone could be from, Rhode Island doesn't even appear on the list before Denial (The state of denial...get it...it's clever...take that Cleaver), which is the state this d-bag is living in if he thinks anyone who's watching this (me, Alison, his mom) thinks he's clever at all...

Anyway, here's the end of what would be my personal state list:

54. Denial
55. Perpetual Bliss
56. Oregon
57. Hamburger University
58. Pohnpei
59. Anarchy
60. Rhode Island

Stocking Stuffer?

OK, so I'm at the local Holiday Stationstore (yes...it's all one word...I have the receipt right here), pumping some gasoline into the old ride. I'm out there, shivering my buns off, when I see the advertisement on the pump for what's in the store.

At the top, it says "Holiday Stores Stocking Stuffers" and then it lists three items, each more ridiculous than the previous.

1. M&M's : I know what you're thinking; you wouldn't mind coming downstairs on Christmas morning and finding that the fat man left you some chocolate instead of stealing your goodies. And you'd be right. This is the "Terminator" of their stocking stuffer gifts.

2. Pringles : Really? Pringles? Well...I guess I can see it if you really like chips. I mean, Pringles are pretty decent chips, if, you know, I hadn't choked on one when I was little. But still...I can think of about a million things (like this) I'd rather have in my stocking than Pringles. I suppose this is the "Last Action Hero" of their gifts.

3. Red Baron Pizza : Oh, come on! This can't be for real. Frozen pizza? Who in the butt has an Igloo-brand stocking to keep the pizza cold? And seriously, unless your stocking comes in "John Goodman Size", you're not fitting a cruppin' pizza box in there! This...this right here...is the "Batman & Robin" of their ideas.

Who are these people? Seriously! Where are they getting their ideas? Has this ever caused anyone to go..."You know what...Johnny does like pizza; maybe I should put some in his stocking?"

While you're at it, you might as well get him a lifetime supply of zoloft, because little Johnny is going to be pretty depressed when he realizes his parents are morons...

They're back!!

Now, don't everyone go sending her e-mails; this is my money...