New Movie to see...

OK, I just read the plot outline for the movie "White Pants."

Plot Outline: A baseball player gets stuck in the outfield with a sudden attack of diarrhea.

I guess we got a new-new phrase:

"The outfield has been pooped in."

I wonder if the star used to be a prosecutor in Tampa??

Colonizing Mars

So, it turns out that one of the guys who helped make Paypal a success is now heading up a company that is trying to colonize Mars.

I think we've all thought about living on Mars. Me? I think about it about every 10 minutes, in between trying to figure out how to sign my next recruit for my Sim college and firguring out if I can eat a whole banana cake in one sitting without dying (I can't).

But, what would you do on Mars? Is it going to just be like Earth II, or will there be exciting new things introduced there? Because, if it's just Earth II, I really don't want to go. I know, I know Johnny Paypal; I'm not your target audience. I don't have "money". I don't have "fame". I "have a foul and unpleasant odor".

But that doesn't change the fact that I have an opinion and if you want to actually get people to go to your stupid Red planet, you need to have the following:

- The biggest slide in the universe
- A wave pool made of Koalas (we all know that there is no water on Mars and you have to liquify Koalas for sustenance...we just don't want to talk about it)
- Hoverboards (unless the skateboard lobby in D.C. get to you too)
- Unicorns riding midgets (mythical...I know)

I think if you have all 4 of those, more people are going to follow you. So, why don't you take your billions and start it up and maybe I'll join you in 972 years (as another one of the Paypal founders is heavily invested in a "scientist" who think humans can live to 1,000).

It must be sweet being super rich so you can be super eccentric...

Dollar Store Dilemma...

So, I'm in Crystal, MN the other day, going to Little Caesar's, praying not to get mugged, when I made an amazing discovery.

In the ghettotastic outdoor mall that houses the Little Caesar's, they have, not one, but two dollar stores.

Now, I know what you're thinking; anyone who goes to the dollar store is probably so lazy that they won't walk all the way across the parking lot to go to a different dollar store, so it makes sense, economically, for there to be two there.

BUT WAIT!!! What I have devilishly hidden from you is the fact that these two dollar stores, which have to compete with each other for business, are right next to each other!!! They share a wall!!!

This would be like putting two Starbucks next to each ot...bad example.

But think about it. Why would someone see a dollar store and decide to compete with it right next door? Why not put it across the street? Is there enough business to support two dollar stores right next to each other? Are dollar stores the wave of the future?

And if this place is, in fact, a dollar store utopia, wouldn't some smart fella come there and start a 99 cent store on the other side? Am I the only one who sees the potential in that? I feel like the frickin' Larry Flynt of Minnesota!

Wait...I mean Stephen Hawking. I always get them confused. Why didn't I just use the backspace and get rid of all of this you ask? Why indeed...

The morals (yes, there are more than one) of this story are:

A) No outdoor mall can support two dollar stores,
2) If, somehow, the stars are aligned and it can, in fact, support two dollar stores, someone needs to start a 99 cent store there. There should be no compromise on that.
D) Everyone is now dumber for having read this. I am awarded no points, and may God have mercy on my soul.

Dag...

Sayonara Sports Guy...

This is an open letter to The Sports Guy

Dear Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons,

Well, it's a very sad day in the Dragon household. After the ups and downs of readership over the last 6 years, I am officially leaving the readership ranks of ESPN Page 2 The Sports Guy.

I've enjoyed you a ton over the years. I've tried to be your intern. I've accused you of stealing from me, but was actually happy that something I used made it into the column. I've tried to get numerous people started on you. And now...it's over.

The final straw was your current column. I've been growing weary of your constant complaining about Boston sports over the past couple years. I mean, they're winning, enjoy it. Now, you write a whole column about the Pats victory over the Colts, complaining?

Ugh. Seriously. It seems like you hasn't written a column about something besides the Red Sox, Patriots or Celtics in over a year. And I can't deal with those columns. Even your mailbags, where you used to shine, have become a cornucopia of Boston related crap.

So, I'm sorry to say Mr. Simmons, you've pooped in the hallway. It's been fun and I wish you the best, alas my journey ends today.

Brent Nelson

New saying...

OK, I'm trying to work on a new saying. Now, this new saying won't be for everyone. Heck, it won't be for most people. But, there are some who will cherish it. And it's for you people that I write this.

Do you feel that the saying "The line has been crossed" has become overused and pretty much lost all meaning? I mean, what is this line? Where is it? Is it real? Or is it just a figment of someone's warped imagination, like midgets and unicorns? I find myself asking that whenever I say that phrase, and I say it a lot.

But now I don't have to. After being let in on a little story by Trete about the goings-ons recently in his office, I've decided to officially make the following replacement:

Anytime you want to say:

"The line has been crossed."

You are now free to say:

"The hall has been pooped in."

Now, since, as you can imagine, a full-grown dude (not one of those imaginary midgets) literally pooped in the hallway of his office building. I can't imagine any scenario where that's not crossing a line, whether the line is real or made-up.

So, now that we have a definition of our new saying, please go forth and spew this new line anytime anyone does something that has gone too far. You have my blessing...

Embers Memories...

While trolling the internet and talking to Petredis today, he mentioned that his hatred of Papelbon is so high, he would like to see him working in a Waffle House after a botched Tommy John surgery. I thought that was a little harsh, and said Embers would be much better.

Alas, Petredis did not know what Embers was. So...I did a little searching and came to this site (right at our very own Blogspot!!) http://embersremembers.blogspot.com/

Read them...they are hilarious...alas, they are not accepting posts anymore. So, I will relate my own true Embers experience to you:
--------------------------------------------
We went to Embers for their "famous" $1.99 steak and eggs special. Apparently, that commercial was 10 years old, because inflation had changed the amount to $4.99.

Swat that, I thought. I went ahead and ordered a double hamburger meal.

Well...my meal came. A nice, single patty on a bun, along with some fries.

I brought our waitress, Ardell, over to assess the situation.

Brent: Um, I ordered a double hamburger.
Ardell (checks her notepad and says nothing)
Brent: Ummm...double?
Ardell (stares at the burger)
Brent (looks around to see if anyone's head is blowing up like in Scanners)
Ardell: Well...that burger is pretty big.
Brent: Huh?
Ardell: It's a pretty big burger. It counts as a double.
Brent (stares at Ardell): What??
Ardell: Yeah, since it's so big, it counts as a double burger.
Brent (dumbfounded): Um...the menu didn't advertise a "pretty big burger". It called it a "double burger".
Ardell (walks away)

Then, 10 minutes later, as I finished up my "pretty big burger", Ardell came out with another patty, on a plate, with no bun...to finish off my "double burger".

Needless to say, everytime I drive by that Embers (which is now closed, possibly due to crap service), a little piece of my heart stabs Ardell in the face...

STOP IN TODAY!!!

Ahhh...more from the world of marketing/advertising. I still don't get it. I never will. I never, ever, schmever (made that word up) will. I must have been born without the marketing gene. Wait...I mean the moron gene. Sorry marketing professionals...

What in the world am I talking about? Why do I always rip on Marketing? Why do I have an unhealthy obsession with Bea Arthur? Allow me to explain...

I was driving by the Verizon store today, minding my own business. Then, I noticed a huge sign out front that said

STOP IN TODAY!!!

Stop in today? Are you kidding me? Does that really work? Will anyone be driving along, thinking, 'man, I should go to the verizon store tomorr...what the? Wait...they said I can stop in today. You know what? I should stop in today!!'

It's not as if they said:

BUY ONE PHONE, GET ONE FREE. TODAY ONLY!

or

PLEASE STOP IN TODAY OR WE'RE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS

but there is no way that someone putting the time and money into a sign that lets you know you are free to stop in today, as opposed to most days when you are not allowed in, is ever a good idea. It's like the Death Row Christmas album; no one wants to hear Snoop rapping about Christmas.

And that's why many marketing people astound me...

Or Al Gore is full of sh...

Dang it! After society gave Al Gore the Nobel Peace Prize for his fabled Pirate Research, FOX News and Yahoo! News both publish stories (albeit the same story, since it's an AP story) about the RISE of pirate attacks!! You can check it out here.

Now, this leads us to a very heart wrenching question; do we have to take back Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize for misleading us and telling us that GLOBAL WARMING was killing off all the pirates? I submit we do. How can you give a guy an award when everything he's done is a blatant lie. If you're going to let him keep it, you might as well let Milli or Vanilli (whichever one didn't kill themself) keep their Grammy. I mean, this is a pretty big issue.

Now, I think Al Gore did this to make everyone disagree with GLOBAL WARMING. If everyone knew that GLOBAL WARMING increased the amount of pirates in the world, I think more people would be for GLOBAL WARMING then currently are (as a sidenote, I believe 7% of the population is pro-GLOBAL WARMING and only 3% of the population do not like ice cream, but that's neither here nor there) and Al Gore just couldn't take that.

So, Al. That invitation to come over and have egg nog has been rescinded. You sir, are not welcome in Minnesota and if I see you on my street, there is the very real possibility you'll be wearing your nog. You disgust me. Hoo-rah for Pirates!!

thank you to my dad and eric for pointing out this story and making me see that Al Gore is the ruthless bastard I originally thought he was

RBC Tile...

Alison and I had a new backsplash put up behind the sink and we bought the tile at a little outfit called RBC Tile. Well...we bought a little too much and I wanted to return the extra tile (which was all still in the full box they had given me). This is the conversation that transpired with their customer service department:

RBC: Hi, RBC Tile How can I help you?
BRENT: Hi. I bought some tile from you a couple weeks ago and we didn't end up using it all. I still have a ful box and was wondering if I can return it for a refund.
RBC: Did you buy it retail?
BRENT (confused): Umm...yes?
RBC: Then no. Sorry.
BRENT: Huh?
RBC: What you can do, instead of throwing it away, is bring it down to us and we can use it as samples to give out to people.
BRENT: So...what you're saying is, you can't give me any money back to use the product. But you are willing to take it back for free to use it? What if I threw in a Jackson? Would that make you happier when you took it back?
RBC (confused): Um...no sir. We'll definitely take it back for free. You don't need to give us any additional money to take it

---CLICK---

Al Gore WAS right?!?!?!?

Now, I hate to admit it. I've made fun of Al Gore as much as the next guy. Perhaps even more. Calling him Stumpy, Pigg-o, El Stupid VP, The Son of Sloth and Pedro. But no more. I'm actually issuing an official Brent Nelson-approved apology to Mr. Al Gore and when he comes to Minnesota next time, I'm offering an open invitation (right here...in writing!!) to come to my house and drink a bottle of egg nog with me (assuming nog is in season).

Now, you may be asking, what made such an about face, Brent? Aren't you the guy who hated Al Gore more than almost anything? Didn't you once compare him to Face Poop? Well...no actually. But I never liked him, and he always made such a big deal about GLOBAL WARMING (it goes in caps...for emphasis) which I thought was a farce. But check out the following graph, and you'll see just how real GLOBAL WARMING is:

As you can see, the population of Pirates is dwindling...in direct correlation to the planet getting warmer!!

You see people...this is where GLOBAL WARMING kicks us in the butt! No ozone? So what? No Jolly Roger? Frick that! We need pirates!

Who else is going to pillage and plunder? Who else will strike fear in the heart of Vikings? Who else will make people walk the plank? Crup...I mean, who else even has a plank?

So...people...we need to band together. Strike out as one. Take back the night. Sit in for peace. And, in case you didn't know...all of those are ways to stop GLOBAL WARMING and bring back the Pirates. Remember...your kids have to live hear when you're gone. Do you really want them to live without Pirate's? I sure as hell don't...

thank you to Josh Ryan for bringing this to my attention. Next time, perhaps we will have a graph that shows how a rock can keep bears away.