Vance and V's wedding...

All drones to the front of the spaceship for a special announcement. I repeat, all drones to the front of the vessel...

Ahhh...last night was the much anticipated event; Vance and V's wedding. There was dancing, flasks, stupendous drinking by Mr. Casey and, of course, mass consumption of magically delicious cake. Overall...an excellent time.

However, I mus apologize to anyone who I may have offended. Now, as many of you may not remember, I'm a bit of a baby. And, what happens when babies stay up too late? They get cranky (or kranky, if you will). Well, once it hits midnight, I strapped on (pun intended) my footsie pajamas and grabbed my binkie, because I was in for some krankiness. So, I apologize for anyone who I was upset with, because it was no one's fault but mine, because I just wanted to sleep.

So, yeah. To sum it up, it was a fun night, Demon ruled the dance floor and Brent is a big baby who gets cranky and takes it out on people.

Hoo-hah! That is all. All drones please return to your work stations and commence biogenesis...

Get your groove on Brian Harper...

Dirty: I was bored at work the other day, so I did some checking on how much money I'll possibly make on our employee stock program.
Nelly: Oh yeah?
Dirty: Yeah. I figured out that if it continues to do as well as it's done recently, by the time I retire, I'll have 230 million dollars.
Nelly: Hmmm...
Dirty: And that's without putting any more money in!
Nelly: So, what's the rate of return you were using to make these calculations.?
Dirty: Well, currently it's been doubling every seven months.
Nelly: Riiiiigghhht. So, anyhoo, can I be the manager when you buy the Twins?
Dirty: Of course.
Nelly: Sweet butter! Paging Brian Harper, paging Brian Harper, you have a call on the white courtesy phone. Brian Harper, the Twins need a DH on the white courtesy phone.

In this corner...

Fighting out of the blue corner, wearing the plaid trunks, is the one, the only, Jerry "The King" Lawlor! And his ooponent, fighting out of the red corner, wearing the Russian dressing is the world famous six-inch Subway Club on wheat!

This match is scheduled to go 12 rounds. Subway Club has declared this is a title match and has put his Super-Ultra-Potato-Middleweight-Intercontnental-Table-Mega-Hyper-Spork Belt on the line!!

Now, in the tradition of the WWE, this match has a catch. This is known as the Eat or Be Eaten match. The first wrestler to completely eat the other one, then wash it down with an ice cold Pepsi-Cola, Pepsi-Cola is the choice of a new generation, will get to wear the belt and get one night with the 12 wonder of the ancient world...CHYNA!!

The King...are you ready? Subway Club...are you ready? OK, tap gloves gentlemen and come out chompin'...

Softball season's starting, we'll party tonight...

Ahh...it's that time of year again. The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them... as is my understanding. And by that, only two words come to mind...Are you ready for some softball??

So yes, by your opening of this e-mail, you have hereby confirmed that you are on the staff roster, or playing as an alternate, for the successful softball franchise Yarrr. We're not attractive (formerly known as More Cowbell).

Our first game is scheduled for Tuesday, April 25th at 6:00. The location is Bryn Mawr #9 (located here http://www.minneapolisparks.org/default.asp?PageID=4&parkid=253). I have never been there before, therefore, I don't know anything about fences, lights or access to young schoolchildren (sorry Dirty). I will bring schedules then.

I have not ordered T-Shirts, as I've become more and more uncreative recently and my latest thought was to have a picture of one eyed Willy wearing a turban...but I snapped myself out of that one. If everyone decides on T-Shirts, we can do that.

Since it looks like no T-shirts and we have 10 full time players, it's going to be $40 for everyone who signed up as a full-time player. You can give cash, checks, food stamps to me at the game.

We should probably have a practice sometime in the next couple of weeks before the first game so we can be well on our way to beating our stupid record from last year and hopefully mitigate the amounts of times we're shut out. I still can't believe we were actually shut out last year. So, we can set that up...I'm thinking the 22nd or 23rd. Let me know when works best.

If you're still reading this, I commend your patience, or deplore your lack of options of things to do with your life. You shall be richly rewarded. Here's a little something for the effort; there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed...you will receive total consciousness. So you've got that going for you...which is nice.

Devo, please print this out and give it to Carolyn to give to Denny.

The Nile ate my baby!!

My updates have been poor to sub-poor recently. There really is no excuse for this. I have not come down with the dreaded disease that causes Claphyllis. I have not lost my mind in a freak boking accident. Pure and simple, I have become as lazy as antelopes. Whether that means watching TV, driving here and yonder, to and fro and around we go; regardless, I have not had the mind to update my blog.

I have no worth as a person. If my lack of recent writing ability were a river, it would be the gandiose Nile...from the Pharoahs of Egypt to the mighty, mighty racism of South Africa, who doesn't love the Nile? I, for one, do not. Because I lost my baby to the Nile and I will never (NEVER!!) allow a river to swallow me whole again.

But I digress, that isn't the point of my entry, as I assume we all have gripes about the lousy Nile and all it's craptacular tributaries. Avast!

I pledge to you, that I will attempt to make updates more often, and whilst they may not be funny or entertaining, they will at minimum be strange and will make you wonder what kind of drugs I've been smoking (Lipitor).

So, you have that going for you, which is nice. Now...on to what we all came here for...hardcore nudity (attach naked picture of David Duchovny here)

Johnny Bestface - Episode 1 - The Diner

Theme Song [sung by a midget in a panda costume, wearing a top hat, riding a hedgehog]

He's Joooohhhnnny, yep he's Johhhnnny, that's Johnny Bestface
He's the best, best, best
Better than the rest, rest, rest
The tests, tests, tests, he always passed, passed, passed
3rd base on a 1st date, he moves fast, fast, fast
His life kicks ass, ass, ass
That's why he's Joooohhhnnny, that's Johnny Bestface

[Deep Announcer Voice] On tonight's episode, Johnny goes to a diner with his pal CurleyWang...and hilarity ensues...let's watch...

{Scene: The inside of a greasy coffee shop, where the only two patrons are Johnny Bestface and Curley Wang. They're sitting at a booth in the corner}

Johnny: Dag! Seriously, that Portabella Mushroom tasted just like a steak! My toes are literally curling right now. Feel these nipples (opens his shirt for Curley to feel his nipples)
Curley: You're a nipple.
Johnny: (bows his head in disgust and sighs) I'm a nipple? What? That doesn't even make sense. (looks at the imaginary crowd to his right while chicken winging them) Did you hear that? I don't even know what to do with that! That rickwangulas!
Curley: (sits in stunned silence)
Johnny: See, that's the difference between us Curley. I know when to make a nonsensical joke and you don't. That's why I'm the best!

Theme Song starts playing again and the credits roll...

*If you were at all entertained by this little skit...I'm speechless*

Golden Tan...

I opened the door and walked into Golden Tan. I go there about once a week, you know, to make myself pretty. Or prettier. As if that's even possible. Or possiblye. But I digress…

So, I walk in there, and have an appointment for my normal bed. And the following exchange happens, which has never happened before, but might again…

(sidenote: I have no idea what this girls name was, probably Bambi, or Candi with a heart dotting the eye, or Fatina, or some other stripper name. For the purposes of this story, I will simply call her Puke…)

Puke: Hello and welcome to Golden Tan.
Brent: Hi, my name is Brent Nelson and I have a 3:40 appointment.
Puke: On which bed?
Brent: The Viper bed.
Puke: And did you bring your tanning lotion?
Brent: Umm…I don't use "tanning lotion".
Puke: And you find the bed working for you?
Brent: Yeah…
Puke: Huh…that's weird?
Brent: WTF? How's that "weird"? You offer a product…called a tanning bed…and I use it…to tan. If it doesn't work without your magically delicious "tanning lotion", maybe you should think about putting them together as a package that you must get.
Puke: But some…
Brent: Can I complete a paragraph without the annoying whine of your voice interrupting me?
Puke: Buh…
Brent: Maybe learn a little something from the automotive industry. You know, they never sell you a car, and then when you come to pick it up, ask you if you brought your engine with you. No, the good people at GM decided that if it doesn't work without a component of it, you should probably have the component priced in!! You think?!? Huh?!? Does that make sense to you, Bambi??
Puke: My name is Cassandra?
Brent: Like I give a butt what kind of stripper name you have?
Puke: Your bed is ready, sir.
Brent: Oh, thanks.
Puke: So, did you want some tanning lotion?
Brent: (jumps over the counter and starts pummeling Puke with a beeker-bocker)

Uncomfortable E-Mail of the Week

This e-mail came in today from reader Will S. Umm...yikes.

Brent,

You were in my dream last night. We were hanging out somewhere, and I kept raving to you about how good your blog has been recently. No lie...and creepy.

Ahhh...I love my loyal readers.

Loser List...

I admit it; most of the time I don't in face root for somebody, I root against somebody. Call it low self-esteem, call it bitterness, call it whatever you want, the fact remains: I much prefer to watch someone fail than I do watching someone do well.

There are certain people that I enjoy watching fail. Of course, I'm always rooting for someone like Jason McElwain, because stories like that give me chills. But what also gives me chills is watching people who I have no respect for, or people who annoy me, fail. In actuality, these moments give me more chills than watching something inspiring, like Jason.

So, to honor this moment of self-discovery (after knowing it for years but being afraid to admit it) I am creating my first annual Loser List. This is the list of people who I always root against and nothing brings me more joy than when they fail.

This list is in no way all inclusive, as it is ever evolving. You see, I find new reasons to resent people everyday, so the list can never be complete. So, without further ado, I will give you the current top 5 on the Loser List. Feel free to let me know the people you love to watch fail...

Loser List Top 5
1. A.J. Pierzynski - This bastard has been on the top of my list for 4 years. I don't think there has ever been a more disgusting, me-first, wang-sucking athlete in the world. The World Series victory by the White Sox last year made me want to puke...all because of this douche.
2. Kina - I can not stand her. Every time they show he on screen, I want to ram a stapler through her ear, to try to get her to shut up. But, since she's a zombie, that would only make her stronger. Seriously, if Randy gets voted off next week, it will make my whole week.
3. Bode Miller - He thinks he's fantastic. I love how lax he got in his training and how he called out Bonds and McGwire as cheats. Great guy. Conveniently forgot to mention about his trips to Mexico for the drugs that are illegal in the U.S. At least when Bonds and McGwire "cheated" they got some awards. Nothing like 8th place, right Bode?
4. Daunte Culpepper - Ahh...a new addition to the list. I can't wait until Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas beat the crap out of him after his 18th interception of the year. Enjoy Miami...enjoy.
5. Stephon Marbury - There's something very satisfying watching him lose. Am I glad the Wolves don't have him? Hell yes, even though we have Marko Polo. I still remember when Marbury requested the trade because he wasn't the best guy on the team. You know the correct way to fix that problem? Practice. It's been fun watching him suck the last couple of seasons...good times...

Chicago St. Patrick's Day??

Demon: Is anyone up for St. Patrick's Day in Chicago?
Nelly: I don't like Leprechans, so I will be unable to attend...
Demon: As a little chicken would say..."chirp chirp"...
Nelly: You're thinking of a koala...