It's like the Nigerians aren't even trying anymore...

Remember when you used to get those sweet spam e-mails from the Nigerian scammers? And there would be a big story about how a king was murdered in a coup and his wife has all the money but no means to get it out of the country? Then, she needs an American to smooth along the process, and she'll give you 20 million dollars for your troubles?

Or it was always something big and grandiose like that. Something that made you think. Something that seemed like it was large and made you feel like you could be part of something important.

NOW?? Check out the Nigerian spam I got today...
------------------------------------------------------
I am jane mayon,I have decided to donate
what I have to you.I was diagnosed for cancer.
I have been touched by God to donate to you.
Contact my lawyer Larry Powel with this
email- uklawyer.online1@yahoo.de
and tell him that I have
WILLED
$10,000,000:00 to you.
God bless
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COME ON NIGERIA!! GIVE ME A BETTER BACKSTORY!!!

Two kinds of people in this world...

If you know me, you know which kind I am...

There are two kinds of people in this world.

There is the kind that when someone is running to first and falls down with an injured leg, he'll stop play and let the guy get to first.

Then, there's the kind of guy who, when he sees the guy falls, he yells to the left fielder, "Throw it to one!!"

Since I was the first baseman, I think we can all agree that said player (who pulled up with a torn quadricep) was out at first base. Go team!!

Goes on everything??

I was in the pantry, getting some oatmeal, when something caught my eye. It was a Can of Hormel 99% Fat Free Turkey Chili. And, on the side of the can, in a big blue star, it said "Goes On Everything TM".

Now, I can imagine the Turkey Chili going on many things...hot dogs...fritos...velveeta. You know, the usual suspects.

But, then I delved deeper into this "everything" issue. I mean, everything is a pretty broad term. Now, physically, I understand that it can, in fact, be put on everything (except dwarves, because they don't exist). But was that their true meaning? did they mean to tell you, "Yes, you can put our Hormel Chili on two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding!" But, would you really want to ruin two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding by putting Chili on it? I'm just sayin', that's a buttload of pudding.

And, this phrase is trademarked! That means some marketing person went into a Hormel meeting and told the people that they should have their slogan be "Goes On Everything." What? Was "Now! Unicorn Free!" taken? I need to get a job as a marketing person. I think I would have presented a slogan that was something like "Hormel Chili doesn't need you. It feels loved on its own." And I'm sure that would have gone over gangbusters in the room...

Sweet Assed Games I Created As A Kid...

Now, as you all know, or don't know for that matter, I used to make up awesome games when I was a kid. You know, before TV dullened my senses and the only thing I can use my imagination for anymore is picturing David snapping and using Susie and Kina as two big drum sticks, and Adam and Tori as the drum. But before that, I used to think of games.

Now, I'm sure I'll forget some. Since, sometimes the games were only played one day. But, here's what I got so far, along with a brief (or not so brief) description...

1. Blanket Spinner - This game was normally played during commercials (or the pre-Urkel episodes of Family Mattersi) of ABC's T.G.I.F. (OK, I lied...TV hasn't dullened my senses...I've always watched copious amounts of TV). The supplies needed for the game were 3 people, a blanket (or comforter) and two pillows. Now, one person would put the blanket over themselves and spin around 15 times, to make them dizzy. Then, their goal was to tackle one of the other people, while the other people are beating the crap out of the blanket guy. Once the blanket guy tackles someone, it's their turn to be under the blanket. The reason this is fun is because you get to wail on a dizzy guy who can't see. At least, I think that's why it's fun. I won't know for sure until I'm armed with a pillow and a drunk Stevie Wonder. I'll clue you in when that happens...
2. Jumping H.O.R.S.E. - Ahhh...much like the traditional game of H.O.R.S.E. played in basketball, except this involves jumping over pieces of furniture. To play this game, you need at least two people. Then, the first person picks a piece of furniture and jumps over it. If successful (makes it over without falling), then the other person has to jump it. If they don't, they get a letter. And it's that simple. Some of the most sophisticated jumps involved jumping over a recliner in it's horizontal position and jumpingbackwards over the couch, with the high end furthest away from you. Lots of good times with this game, though I believe it was only played once.
3. Bean Bag Chair Sumo - Speaking of games that were only played once...Um, this game requires 2 bean bag chairs, 2 people, and 2 understanding parents. Luckily, we had all of those when we played, so it was like the Perfect Storm. Now, since this is pretty easy to figure out how to play, I'll clue you in on the end result; one brother's body thrown right through the drywall, one handyman needed to fix said drywall and one game that would never be played again.
4. BP Ping Pong - My memory on this is a little hazy, but it involved two Koosh paddles, a ping-pong ball, a ping-pong table, and walls semi close to the table. To get it in, you needed to hit it off the wall, onto the other side of the table. 'Twas fun for awhile, but didn't have staying power. There seems to be a theme with the games I've made up...
5. Wristband - Possibly the most ridiculous game ever invented. To play, you need a wristband, two people and a rope. You set the rope up between the two people and hit the wristband in the air, back and forth, like volleyball. When someone misses, they lose. This game was invented to convince a very gullible kid that Wristband was the wave of the future and everyone was playing it. Alas, even the gullible kid was not that gullible and this lame game was pretty much over before it started.
6. Pool Cue Baseball - Gah. Possibly the most dangerous game played (and remember, we already have a game where we're essentially beating up a blind, drunk guy). To play this, you need some sort of foam ball, two people and the bottom end of a two piece pool cue. It's played just like baseball, where the cue is the bat. Unfortunately, the cue does not have a knob on the end, like a bat. Which means that a bat stays in your hands and the cue has the propensity to fly out and strike the pitcher. Amazingly enough, there were no serious injuries reported and this game was a mainstay.

That's all that I can think of for the moment. However, I know there were more dranconian games that were played in my youth. Hopefully there will be some comments to let me know what I've forgotten...

Photo finish??

So, I click on this link on CNN.com, where this guy is racing a cheetah. I thought it might be interesting. I mean, cheetahs are fast. Men (some) are fast. So, if this is a girl cheetah, it will be a good race. I kid, I kid. Seriously though...

They set up this whole race thing and explain how they are planning on getting the cheetah to run. Then, they casually mention that the guy has a 35 yard headstart! Then, they race.

And the stupid anchor announcing this thing mentions it's much closer than anyone expected and it was a photo finish. Are you serious? I mean, the guy had a 35 yard headstart!

This would be like me, going out to left field at the Metrodome and hitting the ball into the upper deck, 520 feet from homeplate. Then,the announcer says that I hit the second longest homerun in Metrodome history, all the while, forgetting that I was standing in left field. I really don't understand morons like this guy...

Stupid creating a scene...

So, I'm at Lifetime (Fitness, not the TV network...stupid Petredis) today and I was doing 40 inch box jumps. Good times.

I had to go grab the 36 inch box, which I had to wrangle away from one of their "trainers". As I grab it, she says "Are you going to jump up on that?" with a look in her eye like she'd just seen her first set of boobs (I don't know if she was a lesbian or not, but I assume everyone has the same reaction the first time they see boobs, men and women alike). I said I was and she said, "Sweet. She's really excited." and pointed at her client. Great. So, I'll have an audience. Which doesn't not kind of suck.

Then, I had to grab some of the platforms to transform the 36-inch box into a 40-inch box. Which is just as unsafe as it sounds (essentially, setting the big box on two platforms, which means the box and/or the platforms can move at any moment...more on that later).

Now, as I got ready to do my first set of 15 jumps, I could feel many sets of eyes on me, since no one really works out there, as the trainers only seem to teach people how to do lunges and curls at the same time (most bang for your buck!!). So, all I want to do is not biff it. So I start, and get going and everything went fine. First set of 15 was successful.

Alas, I was doing two sets of 15. And therein lies the rub.

I got ready to do the second set, and I felt the same group of eyes, if not more, on me again. Which is fine. I don't care. Much. Or are I?

So, I started doing the jumps. When I got to 14, I took an extra second to gather myself for the last jump, since my legs were cashed. Apparently, I didn't gather enough time. Because I made it to the top of the box, but not enough in the middle. A bit too much on the side. So, the box and/or the platform moved and I found meself (went Scottish on you there) horizontal to the ground, which is not where you want to be. (at least not in this case...wink wink, nudge nudge, creepy double thumbs up) And I stuck out my arm to break my fall, but that didn't help much, except it helped me to hurt my bad wrist. And I still landed completely on my back and butt.

So, the things that I think sucked about this are:

A) I didn't finish my second set of 15 successfully.
B) I landed on my bad wrist.
C) There were tons of eyes on me.
C corallary) None of those eyes knew it was my last jump, so they thought I quit after I biffed the jump, which I wouldn't have done.
D) Now all the lunge curlers think I suck, when, in actuality, I only moderately suck and they can't know that just from my appearance and lack of coordination.

Super long story short, I don't think I'll be moving above the 40 inch box the next time my workout calls for high box jumps. Hopefully I don't fall again next time and relegate myself to Ardolf status...

My Pop Grades...

Now, since I've been questioned extensively as an expert on drinking pop (lest we forget the famous day when I consumed 35 cans) I thought I would give you all some advice on what kinds of pops I enjoy. Enjoy!

COLAS

1. Diet Pepsi - Better than Diet Coke. I can't say why, it just is. There...I said it (Don't you dare sue me Spade! I served you a hamburger damn it!).
2. Diet Coke - A very good choice, when Diet Pepsi is unavailable, which is in most restaraunts.
3. Coke Zero - Uses the original recipe for Coca-cola. Woooooo...I'm getting shivers! Or not. It's okay, but drink more than 3 in a row and your mouth tastes like Ellen DeGeneres looks.
4. Diet Super Chill - Ahhh...the Cub brand cola. Excellent. Or not terrible. At least it's not Tab.
5. Tab - Speaking of...

NON-COLAS

1. Diet Mountain Dew - Delicious. Delicious. Delicious. Also, the best pop for chugging, you know...if you get into a pop chugging contest (I'm looking at you on this one Dvorak!)
2. Diet Mountain Mist - Yep...this is the Cub brand. It's surprisingly good. And at lest it's not as gross as Vault Zero.
3. Vault Zero - Speaking of...
4. Sierra Mist Free/Sprite Zero - Both of these suck. Seriously. The only redeeming quality is they don't have caffeine. Bleh! Which is why they're last.
5. (Fresca is not on the list, as I don't believe in it. It's like Unicorns or chiropractors. It doesn't exist.)

*sidenote* I have neglected to include Mello-Yello and Surge, since they are not made anymore. But Surge was delicious and I drank two cans before every baseball game my senior year of high school. Which, I'm assuming is why I led the league in homers. That, and our fence was shorter than the fence at Williamsport. It's also the reason I got fat. That...and because I could eat 18 pieces of Godfather's pizza at the buffet. But I'm getting off track here. My point, I think, is that I hate the TV show "The Wedding Bells." It sucks horrible. *end sidenote*

CHERRY COLAS

1. Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi - Fantastic. Bold tase. Gives you wings. Or something more clever than that. No matter what anyone tells you it does not make you hallucinate.
2. Cherry Coke Zero - It's good. Just not great. But better than any of the colas, and all the Non-Colas besides Mountain Dew.
3. Diet Cherry Coke - It leaves a weird taste. Not bad. Just weird. Like Buddy Lembeck (come on Charles in Charge fans...get the joke!!)

PEPPER COLAS

1. Pibb Free - Score one for the Coke company! This is a delicious, refreshing beverage. Though I hate the name change (like how the Mars company got rid of Mars bars and replaced it with Snickers Almond.). What kind of game are they trying to pull here?
2. Diet Dr. Pepper - It's good, until you try Pibb Free. But at least it's not Diet Dr. Thunder.
3. Diet Dr. Thunder - Speaking of...

David Carr?

This makes no sense to me. Why in the world are the Vikings not signing David Carr?

Is Tevarious Jackson that good (no)?
Do the Vikings already have someone who can be considered a franchise QB (no)?
Is the cost for Carr that great (no)?
Are they upset with the draft picks they'd lose to get him (no)?

Then what in the world is the hold up?? This is the former #1 pick in the draft! Not that that means he has to be good, but come on...this isn't Rick Mirer here. I don't know how well Peyton Manning would have played with that offensive line in Houston, and that receiving corps.

This is a QB who completed 68% of his passes last year. This is a perfect guy for the "West Coast" offense that Childress claims to run. So, let's get Carr on board, then see if we can trade up for Calvin Johnson. If not, let's take LaRon Landry in the first, and try to grab Steve Smith in the second. Come on Vikes! I know you can get off those "Worst Offseason" lists! It's just going to take this signing and a good draft, so let's stop consulting with McHale and actually DO SOMETHING!!! NOTE: Something DOES NOT include SIGNING BOBBY WADE!!!

ESPN Fantasy All-Stars...

Today, I watched the ESPN Baseball Tonight Fantasy Baseball Special. Correction, I mean I tried to watch it. I couldn't. It was too terrible.

Now, as you all know, I will read and watch anything related to fantasy sports. I've printed out more articles from more obscure sites than I can count. I don't care. I just want some insight on fantasy baseball.

Now, back to ESPN. I wanted to watch the show because they have some people that give solid advice (TMR) and people who I enjoy reading (Cockcroft and Karabell). Unfortunately for their special, they decided to do the thing that irks me more than anything; have people who don't understand fantasy baseball host the show.

Are you going to have Spencer Pratt host Hardball? No, because he's a douche and doesn't know anything about the topics on the show. Same thing with Fantasy Baseball.

So, I thought I'd give it a chance anyway. In the first 3 minutes, Tim Kurkjian said that he'd draft Albert Pujols number 1 because "he has 100 more walks than strikeouts in his career." Ummm...that's relebant to baseball, but not to fantasy. But I can deal with it, because TMR and Karabell are there. Plus, Pujols has to be #1.

Then, they were debating the sixth pick and Karl Ravech says "Well, I debated between Jose Reyes and Robinson Cano for this pick..." and I don't know who he decided on. I had to turn the TV off. When your host is debating the 7th best second baseman versus arguably the best player in fantasy baseball, I can't take it. Damn it, you might as well draft Mariano Rivera in the first round, if that's how much you care.

Stupid ESPN. Why don't you just get Jennie Finch to be one of your fantasy baseball analysts. Oer...too late...

America's High Flying Sport??

I was driving yesterday and the person in front of me had a bumper sticker. As much as I hate bumper stickers, I have to try to read all of them on the car in front of me. I can't help it. It's a sickness. Like listening to Hillary Duff. But that's neither here nor there.

The point of all this is this; the bumper sticker in front of me had this on it:

Join America's

HIGH FLYING SPORT!

HOMING PIGEON RACING!!

Really? Homing pigeon racing? And you're going to advertise that you actually participate in this geekfest to total strangers?

I mean, in all honesty, your own family doesn't want to know about your losertacular pursuits; what makes you think that society wants to know how you waste your free time? Come on!

And what's the deal with all the exclamations? Is it really that exciting? Maybe a question mark after sport? Letting it be a question as to whether this is a sport. Now that's a bumper sticker I can really get behind...