The gimp offers little protection...

Now, the building I work at employs security guards, to feign interest in what is happening in the building, to stop people from smoking too close to the property and say hello as you grumble up to your cube in the morning. So, essentially, not a very hard job.

But, if you think of the true meaning of a security guard, they are there to...um...guard our security. And that's where I have a problem. One of the security guards at my building is about 108 and has a limp bigger than a cheetah on acid!

Now, I'm happy that the company is killing two birds with one stone, you know employing an elderly man and a handicapped individual. I think that's great. What I don't think is great is when I'm walking through the building and some Cher-himpersonator comes and assaults me and the guard can only rasp at them to "Stop, or I'll come over there" and then take 24 minutes to hobble the 8 feet that was between us.

I think if you're going to have a security guard, they should offer at least a smidge of security. I mean, there are some jobs that aren't right for some people. Sure, you could get away with putting Verne Troyer in the post against Shaq, but I wouldn't recommend it. You could also leave Dustin Diamond in charge of your kids, and while they'll come back scarred for life (you know what I'm talking about Diamond, you sick, sick bastard) they'll still be alive (albeit a shell of their former selves).

But those wouldn't be the ideal people for those jobs (for the record, the ideal people for those jobs are Manute Bol and Gary Coleman) just like having a 162 year old man with a debilitating limp isn't the ideal man to make sure the building is secure (the ideal person for that job is, again, Manute Bol)

So, building owned by the company that shall not be named, maybe you move this nice guy into a cushy corporate office and get someone down there who could actually lift up the 2 oz. can of mase you give them, instead of someone who I caught napping in his boxers...