The Umpire...

After much delay, I will regale you with tales about the Umpire from our softball game on Tuesday night. Without further ado...
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Traditional meeting before the game with the Umpire and team managers.

Ump : Okay fellas. Now, as you all know, there is no swearing in this league.
Brent : Are you fu...I mean kidding?
Ump (while glancing sideways at Brent) : No. Any swearing will be an out. If I hear a GD or an MF, it's an out. No exceptions. And also, no beer. If I see any beer, that player will be ejected.
Brent : Um...we're still playing softball, right?
Ump : Yep, but it says so in the rules. No beer!
Brent (walking towards his team) : Guys, Ump says no beer. Put them away for the game.
Team (in unison) : WHAT??
Ump (running over, while pointing at his "upside down "rule sheet) : This is not a beer league. It says so right here!
Brent (pauses a beat) : Um...your sheet is upside down.
Ump (looks at the sheet, pauses, flips it right side up, and points to it again while giving Brent the stink eye)
Brent (laughs with the rest of his team)
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Skinny Weird Dude (aka SWD) on other them "slides" (aka stumbles and faceplants) into third and is tagged out. Gets up and pushes our third baseman in the back...

SWD : You gotta get out the baseline!
Brent : You gotta learn how to slide without tripping.
SWD (walks towards Brent with his arms out) : Wanna say that again?
Brent (slowly) : You...gotta...learn...how...to...slide...with...out...tripping.
SWD (still walking towards Brent with his arms out) : What'd you say?
Brent : Apparently you can't slide...or hear. Wow. That's impressive. Can you do anything?
Ump (comes "sprinting" out to the mound to "break it up" and looks at Brent) : One more word out of you Mr. Mouth and I'll eject you!
Brent (sarcastically) : Yes sir!!
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Dan hits the ball over the left centerfielders head. As he's circling the bases and heading towards third, the ball goes near the bleachers (there is no fence on the field)

Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan (stopping at third) : What?
Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan : Why would you say that?
Ump : Because the ball didn't go out of play.
Brent (from the dugout) : Do you yell that the ball is fair everytime it's fair? Do you yell it's a grounder if it's on the ground? No! You keep your trap shut. Like you should do there!
Ump : Hey. I've been umpiring 13 years. I don't think I need to be told how to ump.
Brent : Yeah, so is getting a registration as an umpire like getting ordained as a minister on the internet? No matter how much child porn you have, they just want the $50 and you're good to go? Right? Is that correct?
Ump (turns and walks away)
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The other teams left fielder runs out of play and catches the ball, which means it should just be a foul ball.

Ump : Out!
Brent : Are you firkin' kidding me? There's no way he wasn't out of play.
Ump : He caught the ball in play. I lined myself up and saw it.
Brent : Lined yourself up? With what? Brazil? That's a terrible call.
Ump : Well, that's how I saw it.
Brent : Doesn't mean it wasn't terrible...