How to Lose Your Fantasy League...by Peter King

Ahhh yes! Peter King is back at it again! The famed MMQB guru is giving out horrible fantasy advice, under the guise or good advice. This killed me last year and kills me again. Here is the link to his article this week:

Peter King's 10 Fantasy Leagues (To Lose Week 1)

My favorite "advice" he has is the following:

2. Bench LJ for Marshawn Lynch

Yep...that's how you win leagues, set your #1 pick down for a 5th or 6th rounder. Perhaps you should bench Manning too and start Romo instead (but why would you ever have those two on the same team?)

Mmmmm...Arby's Breakfast....

So, I'm driving by Arby's yesterday and they are big into advertising their hours. Not as big as Ralph Harris is at sucking at stand-up comedy, but big none the less. Picture Roseanne. About that big. Give or take a waffle.

But, more to the point, their opening hours are highlighted on the window in that fluorescent paint like substance that we all hate. But here are their hours:

Weekdays: Open at 6am
Saturday: Open at 7am
Sunday: Open at 8am

Now, I don't have a problem with that. I'm sure there are people in the world that need a Big Beef 'N Cheddar at 6 in the morning. And, if the Rubes are buyin', someone ought to be sellin'.

What gets me is the Sunday hours. Who in the world is going to have all of the following on Sunday morning: (this isn't an either/or scenario...you must hit the trifecta)

a) Up at that time (I will be, but I'm a freak of nature...like Roseanne...in a good way)
b) Have the drive to, um, drive to Arby's
c) Be craving a Big Beef 'N Cheddar

My guess is that early morning shift is about as exciting as being the "Hat Guru" at Lids at MOA. Or the "Magnet Jockey" at the Magnet Zone.

My point is, the shift sucks, they'll make no money, no one wants Arby's on Sunday morning, so just open at noon like a regular place you inconsiderate morons.

Does this affect me? No. But I assume everyone will get pissed off and avoid Arby's like people avoid...Roseanne. And they sure as crup don't want that...

Comcast van??

When I came home from Lifetime today, I was driving along, minding my own business, trying to figure out who would win if Bigfoot indian leg-wrestled the Loch Ness Monster (it's Bigfoot, by the way, as Nessie has small, girlish appendages). Then, I finally got home. The image above is what greeted me.

Now, I know most of you are thinking, "So what? What's the big deal, stupid? Boo-hoo-hoo someone parked in front of my house. Wah-wah. I'm a big baby and I don't know how to use the big boy toilet yet."

Now, first off, you're rather mean and crude. And I'm working on the toilet thing. I swear. The results just haven't been that positive. Just ask Alison. But that's neither here nor there. Seriously, just take a closer look at the above picture.

Notice anything strange? At all? Well, I'll tell you then Einstein. Look at the circled cones. Yes, there are cones set to the front and back of the Comcast van.

"What are these cones for?" you ask.

Well, I think it's quite obvious the cones are there to notify you that the van is there. But, don't you think if you can't see the van, you're probably not going to be able to see the cones around it? I mean, seriously, what's the point of this? Is it so I don't hit the van? "Crup! I almost hit that van! Didn't see it at all! Good thing they had those notifying cones there!"

This is ridiculous and makes me sad. But perhaps there's a new customer for the Flash Flare Pro. Who knew cable companies would need something like that??

Fresh Gulf Shrimp...

So, I'm driving down the road the other day. In Minnesota. In the 95 degree heat. And what do I see on the side of the road? A hand made sign that said,

FRESH GULF SHRIMP
$5/LB

and next to the sign were two hillbillies standing next to a van, with many crates of, what I can only guess, were shrimp.

This instantly led to a bunch of questions in my head.

What gulf are they talking about? The Gulf of Mexico? The Gulf of Magellan, if there is such a thing? The Gulf of Johnnies Backyard? And, how in the world can they call it fresh? Did they just fly it in today? And why (WHY!!) was it not on ice? It was just sitting in crates in the 95 degree heat? Seriously?? Is there any chance you weren't going to get sick from eating it? I mean, you may not die, but you may. Is it really worth it? I think we all know the answer to that...

A patented Sheehy ejection...

Well, it finally happened last night. After years and years of giving my opinions to umpires, I finally got ejected. I know many of you are surprised that I haven't been ejected before, and come to think of it, so am I. But, after years and years or times when it would have been justified to throw me out, I get ejected for a smart ass comment ala my old Legion coach, Kevin Sheehy.

In the fifth inning of a horrible day of softball, Josh made a good play in the hole. A little bobble, but he tossed it to me at second for the force, which was the third out. Or so I thought. Apparently Tim the Douche (the umpire for the game, who wears a braided belt and thinks he's the sweetest guy in the world, and will henceforth be known as TTD) didn't agree and proceeded to make his sixth incorrect call of the evening (hey...that's over one per inning! If you had TTD in your fantasy assy umping league...you're smelling like gravy!). Now, how do I know he was out at second, you ask? Well, since my foot was on the base, and I felt when the ball hit, then the base move as the guy slid in, I think I have an idea of if he's safe or out. He was out.

Now, after that call, the other team proceeded to tack on four more runs, putting us down 8 in the sixth, instead of 5 (and the game ended in a tie...even TTD could figure out the math on this one...er, perhaps not him).

So, after the inning was finished the second time, I went to home plate and had the following exchange:

Brent: I just wanted to let you know that was a terrible call out at second.
TTD: Blame your shortstop. He's the one who bobbled it.
Brent: Doesn't change the fact that he was out.
TTD: That's it. You're out of here. I've had enough.

And that was that. I was out of the game. No swearing. No warning. Just mentioned how bad the call was, just like the pitcher did the inning before when TTD missed some strike calls. Now, I know I shouldn't have gone up there, but that's no reason to eject me, and have a probable two game suspension after this. Also, in reality, it probably cost us the game.

Now, as for the title of the post, I must point out my favorite ejection of all time:

Sheehy: I know you don't want to be here today, but since you are, how about you make some correct call?
Umpire: You're gone!

Ahhh...memories...

Bachelor Party I - Vegas

Ahhh...I'm now back from Bachelor Party I - Vegas. You may be wondering how I have recovered so quickly. It may have something to do with going to bed at 9:30 each night, it may not. I guess we'll never know. Alas...here are the pertinent details that you are all wondering about:

Participants:

1. Brent
2. Rob (yes, I put myself in front of you...deal with it)
3. Hart (I always call him Andy, but I know that's not his name)
4. Hart II (this is Andy's brother)
5. Kellett (sorry, nothing clever)
6. "Shorts" (who gave his phone number to a chick with a tattoo of a snake on her neck...and her stomach...and her chest...niiiiiice)
7. James (again, nothing clever)
8. Devo (destroyed Jim Beam)
9. Eric (claimed to destroy Jim Beam)
10. Petredis (destroyed Garth Brooks)
11. Greg (appeared with extra Jack Daniel's...a godsend at the time)
12. Urban (I'm pretty sure I made fun of his birds, but I don't know for sure...)

The Events

Thursday

• The arrival started off poorly. First, I had to ride on a plane, and I hate planes. Plus, I had to sit next to Gordo Mojito (which is what I called him). He couldn't put his tray down, or the armrests, or fit into orbit, if he was launched up there. Very few humans are bigger than that. I'm just sayin'.
• So, then I landed and the cheapness came out of me and I took the $5.50 shuttle instead of the $14 cab. And, an hour and a half later, I was at the Flamingo. At least they had the heat on in the shuttle. I mean, it was only 107 out...might as well have it as 114 in the shuttle. Damn it.
• Then, I found my way over to Bally's, where James, Petredis and I enjoyed the buffet. However, the price had skyrocketed 2 dollars in the past 2 years (stupid inflation). I consumed my regular buffet of a plate of meat, plate of meat, three desserts, three desserts, and an additional three desserts.
• This was followed by heading to the room and starting to consume the whiskey. Luckily, I decided to have Eric bring two kinds of whiskey (Jack and Jim) since no one else would say what they want, and Captain is very 90's...
• After drinking, we decided to leave the room when everyone was there and some of us went to the Imperial Palace for cheap blackjack. Which is where I went. And lost $100 to Garth Brooks at the table. I hate him more than Susie.

Friday

• After some people ate breakfast (I didn't), we decided to go to the pool.
• At the pool, I walked over to the slide, only to realize I felt like I was on To Catch a Perv. So, I left there. And, played some water H.O.R.S.E.
• Turns out, I'm a phenom at water H.O.R.S.E. And it was domination.
• Then, we went back to the room to consume more whiskey.
• Eventually, we went to the Flamingo buffet.
• I couldn't eat as much as normal, which made me sad.
• After going back to the room for a quick np, it was morning. 9:00 bedtime? Check.

Saturday

• After feeling like a losermobile after waking up, Petredis and I went to play poker.
• Petredis lost his $100 on thw swift, though the guy who won it got lucky.
• The wasted guy next to me won about $1,200 while I lost my money. Not good times. But he was more wasted than a Russian at the Kitty Kat Klub. You know what I'm talking about.
• After that, we decided to bet on some baseball. I made my picks and bet $20, on a 4 team parlay. Petredis and Devo copied my picks. I also set up a 7 team parlay for Eric to bet on and he put $10 on it.
• We sat in the sportsbook, waiting for our free drinks to pour in. Alas, you need to bet at least $40 to get one free drink. So, we got none. And got mad. But realized there was still whiskey in the room, so we went there to watch the games.
• The Cubs-Padres game was on and Eric had bet on it. So, we watched that, and the game had a fight in it, and resulted in a 1-0 victory for the Pads. Eric got his first game.
• We then watched the second game of the parlay, and watched the Angels beat the Dodgers. 2 for 2.
• We proceeded to watch the White Sox-Pirates game, after hearing the Blue Jays won (which we all bet on). The Sox won, and soon, all the whiskey was gone, until another bottle magically appeared.
• We then watched the bottom line, to see how the other games were going. Turns out the Diamondbacks won. The 4 team parlays were done and we'd won! Nice!
• Eric saw the bottom line and the Reds won so he was 6 for 6. We decided to go to the sports book to watch the final game.
• While I was wasted, we saw updates on the final game and the cards dominated the A's. Which meant Eric lost his parlay. And I had really wanted to bet on the Brewers over Twins instead, but didn't want to feel like Hitler, so didn't. Damn it!
• Then, I ended up back in the room and went to bed again Bleh.

Sunday

• Ah, the morning and time to leave.
• We woke Petredis up and he was big into brushing his teeth. Very strange.
• Tried to wake James up, but he was having none of it. Apparently, he didn't remember I was in there. Strange.

I'm sorry this update was boring, but Vegas was a great time. Seriously, I would love to go back and do it again. Faaaan-tastic. Thanks for coming everyone!

Apparently Nigeria reads my blog...

Now this is what I'm talking about!!

PS...Yahoo...your spam filter is breaking down on the quick...

----------------------------------------------------
My Dear Beloved in the Lord,

My Name is Mrs Daisy Abraham,a National of Malaysial am married to late Engr.George Abraham who work with the Shell Petroleum Development Company in Russia before he died in the year 2001 after a brief illness that lasted for only five days.We were married for Seventeen years with a duaghter (Lilian)who later died in a motor accident. Before the untimely death of my husband we were both Born again Christians.Since after his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside

my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of ($18,000,000.00 USD) Eighteen Million United States Dollars with a Bank in England whose name is whithed until we open up communication.This money is still with the Bank, Recently Following my ill health, my Doctor told me that I may not last for the next Couple Of Months due to my cancer problem.The one that disturbs me most is my inability to move around.Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a Christain organization (Church) that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein,according to the desire of my late husband before his death.

I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way.This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace". I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always.I don't want them to know about this development.With God all things are possible.As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank.I will also issue you the Letter Of Authority that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund.I want you and the Church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard,Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein while i am Hoping to receive your urgent reply.

Have a Wonderful Day.
Your Sister in Christ,
Mrs Daisy Abraham.
----------------------------------------------------

It's like the Nigerians aren't even trying anymore...

Remember when you used to get those sweet spam e-mails from the Nigerian scammers? And there would be a big story about how a king was murdered in a coup and his wife has all the money but no means to get it out of the country? Then, she needs an American to smooth along the process, and she'll give you 20 million dollars for your troubles?

Or it was always something big and grandiose like that. Something that made you think. Something that seemed like it was large and made you feel like you could be part of something important.

NOW?? Check out the Nigerian spam I got today...
------------------------------------------------------
I am jane mayon,I have decided to donate
what I have to you.I was diagnosed for cancer.
I have been touched by God to donate to you.
Contact my lawyer Larry Powel with this
email- uklawyer.online1@yahoo.de
and tell him that I have
WILLED
$10,000,000:00 to you.
God bless
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COME ON NIGERIA!! GIVE ME A BETTER BACKSTORY!!!

Two kinds of people in this world...

If you know me, you know which kind I am...

There are two kinds of people in this world.

There is the kind that when someone is running to first and falls down with an injured leg, he'll stop play and let the guy get to first.

Then, there's the kind of guy who, when he sees the guy falls, he yells to the left fielder, "Throw it to one!!"

Since I was the first baseman, I think we can all agree that said player (who pulled up with a torn quadricep) was out at first base. Go team!!

Goes on everything??

I was in the pantry, getting some oatmeal, when something caught my eye. It was a Can of Hormel 99% Fat Free Turkey Chili. And, on the side of the can, in a big blue star, it said "Goes On Everything TM".

Now, I can imagine the Turkey Chili going on many things...hot dogs...fritos...velveeta. You know, the usual suspects.

But, then I delved deeper into this "everything" issue. I mean, everything is a pretty broad term. Now, physically, I understand that it can, in fact, be put on everything (except dwarves, because they don't exist). But was that their true meaning? did they mean to tell you, "Yes, you can put our Hormel Chili on two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding!" But, would you really want to ruin two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding by putting Chili on it? I'm just sayin', that's a buttload of pudding.

And, this phrase is trademarked! That means some marketing person went into a Hormel meeting and told the people that they should have their slogan be "Goes On Everything." What? Was "Now! Unicorn Free!" taken? I need to get a job as a marketing person. I think I would have presented a slogan that was something like "Hormel Chili doesn't need you. It feels loved on its own." And I'm sure that would have gone over gangbusters in the room...