Power Rankings 2005: Director's Commentary

These are the 2005 Power Rankings for the fiscal year ending 2005. The author is in question, as no one will take credit, and credit keeps getting passed around. As a sidenote, I still do not understand whether you want to be ranked high or low. It seems like this should be more of a recap as opposed to a ranking, since the rankings seem innocuous, at best. But, they are what they are. As always, comments by the Director (Herr Nelson) are added in red. Enjoy!

Power Rankings
End of Year 2005
We are all saddened by the lateness of these rankings. I set my biological clock to these, so let's try to get on the ball, Cap't Unknown Author. It's almost Smarch, damn it!!

*Apologies for the tardiness.
**Due to complaints from the last power rankings, the author has tried to tone down the truhiness (Steven Colbert reference) because he hopes not to get any hateful phone calls this year, he but still felt compelled to report the year’s rankings so we know where we stand. Hateful phone calls are actually sent out with love, and the threateningness (Brent Nelson reference) was unintended. The author, who will remain nameless, loves all of you with his whole heart, and otherwise wouldn’t have spent this stupid amount of time writing this worthless document. Worthless? Then what the F does this make my director's commentary?? Seriously, he loves you all.

1. Kelltech/ Kelldog . Oh, how the mighty have fallen. This coveted number 1 spot must have really been important to you that you felt compelled to get MARRIED to take over Will’s throne. I assume the throne that is being spoken of is first place in the rankings last year, not some reference to the special toilet in Shadow's house. And thanks for making us all finally think about “growing up.” Seriously, we appreciate that. Will is obviously slated for big things next year so the ante has been raised, gentleman, the ante has been raised. Jake, I believe in you for doing something retarded enough in California that you take out the early favorite Shadow for Rank 1 2006. Are you allowed to talk about the rating next year already? Can we have handicaps? Odds? There has to be a way to make some money off this thing.
2. Shadow. Nice self nickname. What is it about people giving themselves nicknames that makes me want to hurl my face through a Anthrax flavored Jell-O mold? Sorry "Shadow". Seems like yesterday the Inaugural Power Rankings (July 22, 2004) came out and propelled your relationship with one Leslie Lambert into bliss. Does Om know about that yet, or are we all still keeping it a secret? Well, all of us besides Shorts. And yet, like the NE Patriots, one championship wasn’t enough for you. You retooled, and took a shot at The Championship by proposing to the One Who Got You There in the first place. Which is a very strong reason to propose. You know, after love, money, similar interests. The power of the rankings compels you!! Well played, you stubbly wonder child, well played. Seriously, our wedding gift to you is the Mach 18, Gillette’s new razor. Can't we just mirror their ceiling for the gift??
3. Brentendo/ Murder. I think I’m going to start a blog that focuses on my inability to get and retain women, and recount the disasters I’ve experienced with them. The blog was meant for entertainment purposes, I just didn't realize my pain was so entertaining...and I like to give the people what they want. Seems to have worked for you. You’ve catapulted up the Rankings this year with mysterious Alison. Mission accomplished! That’s what sucks about having you live so far away. We are all dying with curiosity to see first woman that has stolen your heart since Al, Ryhme’s friend. Ahh Al, I remember her. Not good times. Or maybe it was the quickness with which you picked up fantasy players? Seems you’ve turned your fantasy football into fantasy life. Yes, that's what makes me me, and put me in the championship game two years in a row. And two streaight years of summer hold'em champ. HOLLER! Does Alison weigh her food before she eats it too? Umm...no, because she's normal. I still do that though.
4. Sarvo. You sneaky entrepreneurial sunovabitch. Korea…Every picture you send us looks like Korea is the place of manna and honey (I assume manna is some sort of goat), and from what I hear from those who have been out to see you the honeys are flocking to you like the geese of Kapastrano—mainly to see your silk like moves on the dance floor. I understood two words in that sentence. Sounds like the Korean night scene equivalent of NYC in the 80’s—everyone’s high on something called “Joe” and there’s enough love to go around. Are you saying people in NYC in the 80's were high on coffee? The author is losing me here. And as we have discussed, the best thing about being in Korea is that you KNOW your cock is bigger than the guy next to you (the law of proportionate sizing). Chong Li is fin to whoop your ass.
5. Tito. This was the year of Kim’s demise. Am I allowed to say finally yet, or will they get back together and make me eat my words? Congrats, Toast. It only took you 18 months to wean yourself from the teat of Kim. I would have said boob. You know, dumb it down a bit. And apparently you were so depressed from that separation that you decided to relive your college days. Oh, God. You work at Bravo again. Where, like Samuel Jackson, he is Da Man. You have to be the only law student I’ve ever heard of who was inspired to launch a career as an attorney by the fact that he was pissed about getting a DUI. Solid reasoning. Like Mick Jaggar and his choice of shirts. And where has that gotten you? You still lie that you don’t have your license back every weekend and make us cart you around. It's called savviness.
6. Petey. No man has ever sent out more phone calls from mysterious places than you, Pete. If I had a dollar for every time Rob came into my room on a Sunday morning and said, “Pete just called, and was whispering that he didn’t know where he was and then abruptly hung up leaving me really worried about him” I’d have like 4 dollars. I find it interesting that Rob walks into the author's room in the morning. Have we figured out this riddle yet? And then later after we get the story, you just say the sleepover you had “you’d rather not talk about.” Sounds like Toast. Sounds like Jake.
7. Lil’ Jake. Speaking of which, didn’t you go to California to chase Sarah down once and for all only to have her move back to the Midwest where you just came from? FACED!! Now that’s funny. You always bitched about your job at Marsh (which sounds like a grocery store) and then took the same one in San Francisco? At least it's not more expensive there. Are you telling us something buddy? All those “girls” you hooked up with on all of our trips late night were actually West Coast fancy boys shacking up in San Fran—the city of “brotherly love?” Why does the author know about West Coast fancy boys? Hmmm...
8. The Quick One. The author doesn’t want to say anything truthful about James or he might inflict pain. Well there is one thing. Has anyone ever seen a guy get told he is soooooo hot and wondering if he is a model more without taking advantage? Maybe he's playing hard to get, like a seahorse at mating time? Or, maybe he's deciding who to keep for football next year, K. Jones or M. Vick. James is so picky with his women that don’t stack up to Rhymes that the author is beginning to think about calling Rhymes to see what the big attraction was that two of his best friends were all about it at very points in time. Almost at the same point. Man, does Om get the shaft.
9. Renob. Well, you had a temporary derailing a few months back, and what a derailing it was, but you seem to have righted the ship. Since I live in MN, I have no idea what this is referencing, but I have to assume it has to do with something nautical and the Loch Ness Monster. So...good things. This year has seen you go from an assistant Freshman b-ball coach to running an entire basketball program. Whoah! Good thing the AD didn’t see your girlfriend at Sweatpants New Year’s. Irrelevant. (that might not make sense but the author felt compelled to include the rate at which your girlfriend was making out with everyone at the party). Everyone? Go sweatpants!
10. Shoe. Not much to report here. But you get the prize for the worst move of the year. What about returning to Bravo? You are stuck in the middle of suburbia where no one seems to be able to locate you. Instead of living in the heart of Kentucky, with the rest of the hicks. And you dragged Pete in the hole with you. Thanks for that. (Maybe that’s where he is every morning when he calls Rob not knowing where he is).
11. Shorts/ Linc. Another self nickname. I'm in Hell! Do you have to keep trying to get Linc to stick? Give it up. Lost the marriage race with Bri, now you’ve resorted to hanging out with one of his old girlfriends. Is it Katie? Is it Sex Town? I know nothing. That is truly pathetic. What? You are so hard up that you have to recycle? Maybe you shouldn’t have broken up with Katie. Not sure what’s worse: that or the fact that you are also practically dating a gay guy who happens to have some serious influence over your career. OK, so this took a turn for the strange. It's like Apocolypse Now, only without all the redeeming messages at the end. Genius. And did anyone mention gay? Not sure what happened those four months you disappeared inside your house to rehab it, but the results are not good or healthy. And speaking of the house, the answer is no, no one wants another tour or to hear about the project you are working on next. This is true. At least you don't have broken glass on the floor from the Hof "being pushed down".
12. Om. You missed trip #3. You didn’t pay in fantasy football. He actually did, which is more than I can say for some people. No one has seen you around since your College Days Marijuana dealer’s funeral. Thank god Kellett got married or we may have never seen you again. I tried to fight Om after the wedding. Good times. Your many girlfriends are like Toast at a party—you hear all about them but you just can’t bring yourself to think they are real. Om has brought numerous girlfriends for other people in our group. The only thing keeping you from the cellar again is that Hart is making his rookie debut in the rankings.
13. Hart. Ahhh...Andy. Welcome to the ranking, friend. It only took your 6 months to break up with a girl you admitted you didn’t really like after 2 weekends with her. And yet you kept bringing her to Park place to sleep on your couch-bed there and then fly around the world with her because she was a pilot. Yeah, that’s classy. And why do you still live in Whosville, Ohio? Stay classy Whosville. Has anyone ever been there or even know where that is? By the way, big money has you as next to follow Kelltech and Shadow down marriage lane. I'll take that bet...