Vince Young Dumb...

I admit it. I'm pretty dumb. Oh sure, I memorize tons of facts to mesmerize people (such as the original T.G.I.F. line-up) but when it comes right down to it, I feel like I would get less than Vince Young did on the Wonderlic. Ugh.

So, a few months ago, we bought a new litter box for our cats that has a sifter...to make cleaning it easier. So, I set it up and it always seemed to take a long time. Well...a couple of days ago, I figured out that I had it set up wrong. Now, that it's set up correctly, it takes about a minute to clean the box. Plus...I get to feel like a moron everytime I look at it. Which is nice...

Crotch...

So, I'm driving home from work, zip-zappin' along, minding my own business. Then, out of nowhere, this chick mergers in front of me in her craptastic Jetta. While on her cell phone. And doesn't give an apologetic wave. Nothing. Acts like the whole world is made of delicious gravy. Well, I had news for her; the world is not, and will not be until we develop robots sophisticated enough, made of gravy. So, I decided to show her what's what.

So, I merge to the left and zip up right next to her. You know, to give her a pained expression, conveying to her that she's driving like a crotch. When I get up there, I look over at her her, my crotch face expression all ready, and was astonished to see that it was a dude! Well, as much as a dude as you can be when

1. You have flowing blonde hair that would make Rapunzel jealous and
2. You're driving a Jetta

I decided not to give this douche the crotch face, since I assume he gets ripped on all the time by his co-workers at McDonald's...for his flowing blonde hair and his Jetta. See...even 14 year olds can tell he's a tool...

Mr. Wizard...

Two days ago, Alison and I went to the Melting Pot in Minneapolis to celebrate our anniversary. We were looking forward to some good food and a fun time. Little did we know we'd be privy to some riveting insight from the table next to us. Here is roughly how their conversation went (though there were various loud swear words thrown in throughout their other conversations, they kept this portion relatively clean)

Moron #1: Man, he wasn't near as good as us.
Moron #2: We were the top sales people. I don't know how he's in charge of that company now.
Mr . Wizard: Well, I know of a little secret to catch him and put us on top again.
Moron #1: Really? What?
Mr. Wizard: Well, I don't know if you've heard about this new thing. It's called the "internet". And, you can "advertise" on this "internet" on things called "search engines". Then, you can pay a company to have your information come up when someone "searches" for certain words on this "search engine". And get this. The beauty is, you only pay if someone "clicks" on your "site". How about that? It's true! I got it all in a book. I can show it to you if you like. I have an interview with the board of directors at Argeson tomorrow. I think I might reveal a bit of what I told you tonight, so they know I'm serious about the job.
Brent: I hear they're putting the internet on computers now.
Mr. Wizard: (looks to his moronic friends and covers his mouth with his forefinger in the "shhh" motion)
Waitress: Will that be it for you folks tonight?
Mr. Wizard: How about you split the bill three ways, then we can put it on three cards and we all had a business meeting tonight! (looks towards his friends and laughs heartily)
Moron #1 and Moron #2: (join in on the uproarious laughter)

I really don't have any words to explain just how brilliant this man was.

He can't compete with me physically, and I'm no match for his brains. Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.

Remember the Program Blues aka Friday Night Lights

Have you watched Friday Night Lights yet? Seriously, they take every football movie and roll it into this TV show. So far, they've done the following:

• The QB got hurt and the back up had to come in (Varsity Blues)
• The back-up QB led them to an improbable win (Varsity Blues)
• The key player is paralyzed (Remember the Titans)
• The coach makes them run in the rain in the middle of the night to bond them (Remember the Titans)
• The full back and half back don't get along, so the full back doesn't block for him. (The Program)
• Creepy older player who lives in the past and talks about past championships (Varsity Blues)
• A key player has a drinking problem (The Program)
• A starting QB who has a horse face and no acting talent (Varsity Blues...yeah, I'm talking about you on this one Dawson)
• Signs for the player that lives in the house in the front yard (Varsity Blues...though I think that may actually happen in Texas)
• There is a black, workhorse style running back (Varsity Blues)
• Someone feels that they should have blocked better when the QB got hurt (Varsity Blues)
• A new QB shows up in town when the starter has issues (Remember the Titans)
• Overbearing town folks who know a little too much about the team (Every high school football movie ever)
• The back-up QB has a crush/dating the "girl next door" type (Varsity Blues...a bit of a stretch, but it will morph into that)

And that's in 3 episodes so far. And I'm sure they're stealing from other football movies, but that's about all I've seen. It's ridiculous...but a good show, because those are all good movies...

But what are they going to come up with next? I mean, are they going to have a Latimer induced steroid issue? Is there going to be a fat white kid that bonds the team? Will Matt take them all to a strip club? The possibilities are endless (and by endless, I mean there is an end, when the writers decide to stop stealing from other football movies, but until then, there is no end) I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens, assuming NBC doesn't cancel the show...

Balloons don't sell houses...

Alison and I closed on our house in June. Since then, Dean Johnson has sold exactly zero other units, leaving the community with 8 open houses. So, obviously, the houses are the exact opposite of hot cakes.

So, what does Dean Johnson Homes do to remedy this situation? Well, last weekened, they strung a rather large balloon to the deck of the model home, in hopes that that would draw people in. Of course, that didn't work, because very few people buy houses due to the balloon content.

Undeterred, this weekend, Dean Johnson outdid themselves. Since the large red balloon popped (I'd like to think someone shot it with a BB-gun), the decided to add 5 groups of smaller balloons at the entrance. Apparently, their crack marketing staff believes that balloons are the only way to advertise. And, let's face it, balloons are the international sign for "Party over heeeere"

Well played Dean Johnson, well played.

It's a beautiful day in the KA house...

Andy is sweeping up the kitchen after dinner, singing merrily.
Andy: It's a beautiful day in the KA House,
A beautiful day for the KA House,
Would you please join?
Could you please join?
I have always wanted to have a brother just like you,
I've always wanted to live in KA House with you.
Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my brother?
Tim, a current member of KA, is sitting in his room. Andy glides from the kitchen into the room, continuing to sweep.
Andy: Hi KA brother, I'm glad we're together again....
Tim: Hey, douche. Aren't you like 29?
Andy: No, I'm only 28, but I looooove KA.
Tim: Hey, douche. Get the hell out of my room.
Andy: Actually, this used to be my room. Remind me to tell you all the wild times that Dave White, Mike Seminari and I had. One time, we actually (Andy starts laughing at the memory) we...actually got a keg for the house, but instead of having beer in it...we had ROOT beer!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, did we pull one over on our brothers! High five!
Tim: I hate you so much.
Andy: Then I challenged Brad Snyder to a naked breezeway! And I won!
Brad Snyder walks through the door.
Snyder: Hey, I contested that win! We need to have a rematch!
Snyder and Andy start ripping off their clothes as all the current members begin to pull out knifes, guns, and brass knuckles...
Tim: Get the hell out of our house!

The Umpire...

After much delay, I will regale you with tales about the Umpire from our softball game on Tuesday night. Without further ado...
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Traditional meeting before the game with the Umpire and team managers.

Ump : Okay fellas. Now, as you all know, there is no swearing in this league.
Brent : Are you fu...I mean kidding?
Ump (while glancing sideways at Brent) : No. Any swearing will be an out. If I hear a GD or an MF, it's an out. No exceptions. And also, no beer. If I see any beer, that player will be ejected.
Brent : Um...we're still playing softball, right?
Ump : Yep, but it says so in the rules. No beer!
Brent (walking towards his team) : Guys, Ump says no beer. Put them away for the game.
Team (in unison) : WHAT??
Ump (running over, while pointing at his "upside down "rule sheet) : This is not a beer league. It says so right here!
Brent (pauses a beat) : Um...your sheet is upside down.
Ump (looks at the sheet, pauses, flips it right side up, and points to it again while giving Brent the stink eye)
Brent (laughs with the rest of his team)
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Skinny Weird Dude (aka SWD) on other them "slides" (aka stumbles and faceplants) into third and is tagged out. Gets up and pushes our third baseman in the back...

SWD : You gotta get out the baseline!
Brent : You gotta learn how to slide without tripping.
SWD (walks towards Brent with his arms out) : Wanna say that again?
Brent (slowly) : You...gotta...learn...how...to...slide...with...out...tripping.
SWD (still walking towards Brent with his arms out) : What'd you say?
Brent : Apparently you can't slide...or hear. Wow. That's impressive. Can you do anything?
Ump (comes "sprinting" out to the mound to "break it up" and looks at Brent) : One more word out of you Mr. Mouth and I'll eject you!
Brent (sarcastically) : Yes sir!!
----------------------------------------------------
Dan hits the ball over the left centerfielders head. As he's circling the bases and heading towards third, the ball goes near the bleachers (there is no fence on the field)

Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan (stopping at third) : What?
Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan : Why would you say that?
Ump : Because the ball didn't go out of play.
Brent (from the dugout) : Do you yell that the ball is fair everytime it's fair? Do you yell it's a grounder if it's on the ground? No! You keep your trap shut. Like you should do there!
Ump : Hey. I've been umpiring 13 years. I don't think I need to be told how to ump.
Brent : Yeah, so is getting a registration as an umpire like getting ordained as a minister on the internet? No matter how much child porn you have, they just want the $50 and you're good to go? Right? Is that correct?
Ump (turns and walks away)
----------------------------------------------------
The other teams left fielder runs out of play and catches the ball, which means it should just be a foul ball.

Ump : Out!
Brent : Are you firkin' kidding me? There's no way he wasn't out of play.
Ump : He caught the ball in play. I lined myself up and saw it.
Brent : Lined yourself up? With what? Brazil? That's a terrible call.
Ump : Well, that's how I saw it.
Brent : Doesn't mean it wasn't terrible...

Mr. Belding...

Just watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Mr. Belding was on there playing a humongous, bald molesting ex-gym teacher. Well, I guess he was "playing" the molesting ex-gym teacher part, because the rest of t is all him. Did I mention he's enormous?

LCS? More like LBS.

Did anyone else have the misfortune of watching Last Comic Standing this season? Or did everyone else give up on the show early and my rant will fall on deaf ears. I hope everyone gave up on it, because when the highlight of the show is hoping Theo Von from Real World/Road Rules Challenge says one of his patented non-sensical quotes, you know you're watching some Lame Bull $@%^.

And that's what they probably should have called the show this year, because they got the Michael Dukakis's (or Michael Dukaki) of comedy to be on the show. It was like a bad episode of Elimidate; you don't want to watch, but you want to see how it ends.

So...without further ado...

Reasons this season of LCS blew donkey and why I won't watch next season

1. Being handicapped does not make you funny - Yep...I'm talking to you Josh Blue. Just because you have a handicap, it doesn't make you funny. When every joke revolves around it, it makes it unwatchable. When your finisher involves you walking around like a spastic Cybill Shepard and reminscing about the boat, I want to slap you. There...I said it.
2. America is full of morons - Again, Josh Blue, you caused America to vote for you because they felt sory. You should have been gone weeks ago, but America likes an underdog. I think there's a chance you could be our ext president.
3. Sexual equality - Women comics are not funny. Sorry. But it's true. They can be alright, but not funny. So, what happens when 6 of your 12 people are women? Yep...half your cast blows ass. So, the producers believe in making the house equal...
4. Being old does not make you funny - Yes, I will laugh at you... the key is at. You could stand there eating Cream of Wheat and it would be just as funny as your menopause jokes.
5. They had one funny guy on the show! - It's a comic show and they had one funny guy! 1? Are you f'in with me? How did everyone else get through the screening process? Was it a pulse check and a "probe" to get on the show? Let's get some more rigorous standards here...

And this went on way too long and was way too unfunny...so I'm going to back out. End of the day...Josh Blue sucks at comedy...America voted him the winner because he's crippled...I will not watch the show again.

Why would someone have me as an usher?

I mean, seriously...you know I hate people and have a generally foul persona, not to mention I reek of onion and ham. Is this the kind of person you want seating people? Wouldn't you rather have me hidden in the bowels of the church, playing a pipe organ and training the monkeys to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" in four part harmony? I could be put to such better use...