Johnny Bestface - Episode 1 - The Diner

Theme Song [sung by a midget in a panda costume, wearing a top hat, riding a hedgehog]

He's Joooohhhnnny, yep he's Johhhnnny, that's Johnny Bestface
He's the best, best, best
Better than the rest, rest, rest
The tests, tests, tests, he always passed, passed, passed
3rd base on a 1st date, he moves fast, fast, fast
His life kicks ass, ass, ass
That's why he's Joooohhhnnny, that's Johnny Bestface

[Deep Announcer Voice] On tonight's episode, Johnny goes to a diner with his pal CurleyWang...and hilarity ensues...let's watch...

{Scene: The inside of a greasy coffee shop, where the only two patrons are Johnny Bestface and Curley Wang. They're sitting at a booth in the corner}

Johnny: Dag! Seriously, that Portabella Mushroom tasted just like a steak! My toes are literally curling right now. Feel these nipples (opens his shirt for Curley to feel his nipples)
Curley: You're a nipple.
Johnny: (bows his head in disgust and sighs) I'm a nipple? What? That doesn't even make sense. (looks at the imaginary crowd to his right while chicken winging them) Did you hear that? I don't even know what to do with that! That rickwangulas!
Curley: (sits in stunned silence)
Johnny: See, that's the difference between us Curley. I know when to make a nonsensical joke and you don't. That's why I'm the best!

Theme Song starts playing again and the credits roll...

*If you were at all entertained by this little skit...I'm speechless*

Golden Tan...

I opened the door and walked into Golden Tan. I go there about once a week, you know, to make myself pretty. Or prettier. As if that's even possible. Or possiblye. But I digress…

So, I walk in there, and have an appointment for my normal bed. And the following exchange happens, which has never happened before, but might again…

(sidenote: I have no idea what this girls name was, probably Bambi, or Candi with a heart dotting the eye, or Fatina, or some other stripper name. For the purposes of this story, I will simply call her Puke…)

Puke: Hello and welcome to Golden Tan.
Brent: Hi, my name is Brent Nelson and I have a 3:40 appointment.
Puke: On which bed?
Brent: The Viper bed.
Puke: And did you bring your tanning lotion?
Brent: Umm…I don't use "tanning lotion".
Puke: And you find the bed working for you?
Brent: Yeah…
Puke: Huh…that's weird?
Brent: WTF? How's that "weird"? You offer a product…called a tanning bed…and I use it…to tan. If it doesn't work without your magically delicious "tanning lotion", maybe you should think about putting them together as a package that you must get.
Puke: But some…
Brent: Can I complete a paragraph without the annoying whine of your voice interrupting me?
Puke: Buh…
Brent: Maybe learn a little something from the automotive industry. You know, they never sell you a car, and then when you come to pick it up, ask you if you brought your engine with you. No, the good people at GM decided that if it doesn't work without a component of it, you should probably have the component priced in!! You think?!? Huh?!? Does that make sense to you, Bambi??
Puke: My name is Cassandra?
Brent: Like I give a butt what kind of stripper name you have?
Puke: Your bed is ready, sir.
Brent: Oh, thanks.
Puke: So, did you want some tanning lotion?
Brent: (jumps over the counter and starts pummeling Puke with a beeker-bocker)

Uncomfortable E-Mail of the Week

This e-mail came in today from reader Will S. Umm...yikes.

Brent,

You were in my dream last night. We were hanging out somewhere, and I kept raving to you about how good your blog has been recently. No lie...and creepy.

Ahhh...I love my loyal readers.

Loser List...

I admit it; most of the time I don't in face root for somebody, I root against somebody. Call it low self-esteem, call it bitterness, call it whatever you want, the fact remains: I much prefer to watch someone fail than I do watching someone do well.

There are certain people that I enjoy watching fail. Of course, I'm always rooting for someone like Jason McElwain, because stories like that give me chills. But what also gives me chills is watching people who I have no respect for, or people who annoy me, fail. In actuality, these moments give me more chills than watching something inspiring, like Jason.

So, to honor this moment of self-discovery (after knowing it for years but being afraid to admit it) I am creating my first annual Loser List. This is the list of people who I always root against and nothing brings me more joy than when they fail.

This list is in no way all inclusive, as it is ever evolving. You see, I find new reasons to resent people everyday, so the list can never be complete. So, without further ado, I will give you the current top 5 on the Loser List. Feel free to let me know the people you love to watch fail...

Loser List Top 5
1. A.J. Pierzynski - This bastard has been on the top of my list for 4 years. I don't think there has ever been a more disgusting, me-first, wang-sucking athlete in the world. The World Series victory by the White Sox last year made me want to puke...all because of this douche.
2. Kina - I can not stand her. Every time they show he on screen, I want to ram a stapler through her ear, to try to get her to shut up. But, since she's a zombie, that would only make her stronger. Seriously, if Randy gets voted off next week, it will make my whole week.
3. Bode Miller - He thinks he's fantastic. I love how lax he got in his training and how he called out Bonds and McGwire as cheats. Great guy. Conveniently forgot to mention about his trips to Mexico for the drugs that are illegal in the U.S. At least when Bonds and McGwire "cheated" they got some awards. Nothing like 8th place, right Bode?
4. Daunte Culpepper - Ahh...a new addition to the list. I can't wait until Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas beat the crap out of him after his 18th interception of the year. Enjoy Miami...enjoy.
5. Stephon Marbury - There's something very satisfying watching him lose. Am I glad the Wolves don't have him? Hell yes, even though we have Marko Polo. I still remember when Marbury requested the trade because he wasn't the best guy on the team. You know the correct way to fix that problem? Practice. It's been fun watching him suck the last couple of seasons...good times...

Chicago St. Patrick's Day??

Demon: Is anyone up for St. Patrick's Day in Chicago?
Nelly: I don't like Leprechans, so I will be unable to attend...
Demon: As a little chicken would say..."chirp chirp"...
Nelly: You're thinking of a koala...

Betty White...Au Naturel

My Rainbow Bill blog caused a host of heated responses from readers who had similar deals or were interested in the ins and outs of scoring the mother load. The culmination of these e-mails was for one of my readers, Ms. Beth, to send me a naked picture of Betty White. I kid you not people, this was Betty White, in the buff. Now Dan, I know you're thinking of Golden Girls while your tongue hangs out, but this appeared to be a vintage photo of Betty White from the 50's when she was just a little Rose from St. Olaf. Either way, they were not as disturbing as the naked pictures I've seen of Bea Arthur. So, I have two things to say in summary:

1. Thank you, Miss Beth, for making one half of my naked Golden Girls dream come true. Now, if you happen to have any nudie photos of Rue McClanahan or Estelle Getty, we may be in business.
2. Thank you, Miss Betty White, for having the sheer guts, nay moxie, to appear in the buff. Just so everyone knows; they're real and they're spectacular!

Rainbow bill = $29.70???

That's right, my Rainbow bill for 10 24-packs of Diet Dr. Pepper came to $29.70. That's $2.97 per 24-pack, which normally go for $6.99 each.

Now, as you all know, I've been called cheap numerous times in my life, but I prefer to think of myself as thrifty. I like to look for good deals. Hell, if someone offered me free naked pictures of Betty White, I'd have to consider it, because how much do naked pictures of Betty White normally cost??

So, I'm in Rainbow, trying to see if they have a good deal on cottage cheese (by the way, they did and I also picked up 12 containers of cottage cheese, but that deal wasn't so stunning, so I don't really feel the need to go into details) when I see a Diet Dr. Pepper display right next to the cottage cheese. I looked at the sign and it screamed out at me:

"4-packs of Diet Dr. Pepper...Buy 1 get 1 Free"

...and it went on to state that a 4-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper normally is $.99.

So, I did my quick Puma math and realized that a 24-pack was going to cost me only $2.97. I went over to the regular pop section to price compare quickly and saw the following prices for Diet Dr. Pepper:

12-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper: $4.09
24-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper: $6.99

I looked around for a minute. So, I can either buy 60 4-packs for $29.70 or 10 24-packs for $69.99? Really? The only thing I had to worry about was feeling like a freak bringing those 4-packs to the front, but since I was already wearing an upside down visor and a T-shirt that said "Holy Butt!!", I thought the freak ship had already sailed.

So, I loaded up all my 4-packs, made a break to the front and watched as the cashier rang through all 60 4-packs in disgust.

Now, I drink a ton of pop and I have never seen a deal this good. As I sit here, I am contemplating heading back there for another run. I suggest you do the same...

I Discovered Butter!

Co-Worker 1: So, have you ever been to Treasure Island?
Co-Worker 2: Yeah, but I got beat pretty bad. I was playing slots though. Now, since I've discovered Blackjack, that's all I want to play.
Brent: What a fantastic discovery! You must have felt like Magellan, or like me the time I went to the fridge and discovered butter.
Co-Worker 2: (looks at Brent with a death stare)
Brent: I think I'm going to go to the pop machine and see if I can discover a soda next.
Brent: (puts money in the machine and a Diet Coke rolls out)
Brent: Holy butt! Did you see that Co-Worker 2?? Incredible!!
Co-Worker 2: (walks away in a huff)

Back to Back!!

Vance:
Not a good week for Tall Dan. First, Thursday he eats some ripened eggs and then he wasn't even the tallest person in the bar on Saturday. This was pointed out to him a several million times.

Nelly:
Someone kept yelling for them to go back to back, but Tall Dan was unresponsive, probably out of shame at not openly being the tallest guy in the bar. How can you be not open about being the tallest guy in the bar? Beats me, but a guy who wasn't afraid would go back to back with his opponent.

Tall Dan:
It's like I stated at the bar, being tall doesn't mean I should have to go back to back with another Tallperson. I don't make you guys go face to face with other ugly people.

Nelly:
Well, if you wouldn't go back to back, you could have at least gone cheesy goatee to cheesy beard...

Tommy Langer:
Or small wang to small wang...

Nelly:
Dag!! Tall Dan just got faced!! Who has the fire extinguisher?? HOLLER!

Top 10 Reasons I Like Cottage Cheese

10. It's portable; put it in a cooler and you're savoring the bite sized goodness hours later.
9. It's white; like Will Smith.
8. It doesn't talk back to you, like it's good for nothing cousin, Shredded Cheese.
7. It never makes you feel self-conscious about the pants you decided to wear.
6. It loves you whether you bowl a 98 or a 246.
5. Three words; Cottage. Cheese. Pizza.
4. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, there's no way the doctor will F with the Cottage Cheese.
3. Cottage cheese comes from cows, not horses; HOLLER!!
2. It never gets old; like Top 10 lists.
1. I can put Cottage Cheese in it's place anytime I want if it ever gets lippy with me.