Saturday, September 30, 2006

Balloons don't sell houses...

Alison and I closed on our house in June. Since then, Dean Johnson has sold exactly zero other units, leaving the community with 8 open houses. So, obviously, the houses are the exact opposite of hot cakes.

So, what does Dean Johnson Homes do to remedy this situation? Well, last weekened, they strung a rather large balloon to the deck of the model home, in hopes that that would draw people in. Of course, that didn't work, because very few people buy houses due to the balloon content.

Undeterred, this weekend, Dean Johnson outdid themselves. Since the large red balloon popped (I'd like to think someone shot it with a BB-gun), the decided to add 5 groups of smaller balloons at the entrance. Apparently, their crack marketing staff believes that balloons are the only way to advertise. And, let's face it, balloons are the international sign for "Party over heeeere"

Well played Dean Johnson, well played.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

It's a beautiful day in the KA house...

Andy is sweeping up the kitchen after dinner, singing merrily.
Andy: It's a beautiful day in the KA House,
A beautiful day for the KA House,
Would you please join?
Could you please join?
I have always wanted to have a brother just like you,
I've always wanted to live in KA House with you.
Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my brother?
Tim, a current member of KA, is sitting in his room. Andy glides from the kitchen into the room, continuing to sweep.
Andy: Hi KA brother, I'm glad we're together again....
Tim: Hey, douche. Aren't you like 29?
Andy: No, I'm only 28, but I looooove KA.
Tim: Hey, douche. Get the hell out of my room.
Andy: Actually, this used to be my room. Remind me to tell you all the wild times that Dave White, Mike Seminari and I had. One time, we actually (Andy starts laughing at the memory) we...actually got a keg for the house, but instead of having beer in it...we had ROOT beer!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, did we pull one over on our brothers! High five!
Tim: I hate you so much.
Andy: Then I challenged Brad Snyder to a naked breezeway! And I won!
Brad Snyder walks through the door.
Snyder: Hey, I contested that win! We need to have a rematch!
Snyder and Andy start ripping off their clothes as all the current members begin to pull out knifes, guns, and brass knuckles...
: Get the hell out of our house!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Umpire...

After much delay, I will regale you with tales about the Umpire from our softball game on Tuesday night. Without further ado...
Traditional meeting before the game with the Umpire and team managers.

Ump : Okay fellas. Now, as you all know, there is no swearing in this league.
Brent : Are you fu...I mean kidding?
Ump (while glancing sideways at Brent) : No. Any swearing will be an out. If I hear a GD or an MF, it's an out. No exceptions. And also, no beer. If I see any beer, that player will be ejected.
Brent : Um...we're still playing softball, right?
Ump : Yep, but it says so in the rules. No beer!
Brent (walking towards his team) : Guys, Ump says no beer. Put them away for the game.
Team (in unison) : WHAT??
Ump (running over, while pointing at his "upside down "rule sheet) : This is not a beer league. It says so right here!
Brent (pauses a beat) : Um...your sheet is upside down.
Ump (looks at the sheet, pauses, flips it right side up, and points to it again while giving Brent the stink eye)
Brent (
laughs with the rest of his team)

Skinny Weird Dude (aka SWD) on other them "slides" (aka stumbles and faceplants) into third and is tagged out. Gets up and pushes our third baseman in the back...

SWD : You gotta get out the baseline!
Brent : You gotta learn how to slide without tripping.
SWD (walks towards Brent with his arms out) : Wanna say that again?
Brent (slowly) :
SWD (still walking towards Brent with his arms out) : What'd you say?
Brent : Apparently you can't slide...or hear. Wow. That's impressive. Can you do anything?
Ump (comes "sprinting" out to the mound to "break it up" and looks at Brent) : One more word out of you Mr. Mouth and I'll eject you!
Brent (sarcastically) : Yes sir!!
Dan hits the ball over the left centerfielders head. As he's circling the bases and heading towards third, the ball goes near the bleachers (there is no fence on the field)

Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan (stopping at third) : What?
Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan : Why would you say that?
Ump : Because the ball didn't go out of play.
Brent (from the dugout) : Do you yell that the ball is fair everytime it's fair? Do you yell it's a grounder if it's on the ground? No! You keep your trap shut. Like you should do there!
Ump : Hey. I've been umpiring 13 years. I don't think I need to be told how to ump.
Brent : Yeah, so is getting a registration as an umpire like getting ordained as a minister on the internet? No matter how much child porn you have, they just want the $50 and you're good to go? Right? Is that correct?
Ump (turns and walks away)
The other teams left fielder runs out of play and catches the ball, which means it should just be a foul ball.

Ump : Out!
Brent : Are you firkin' kidding me? There's no way he wasn't out of play.
Ump : He caught the ball in play. I lined myself up and saw it.
Brent : Lined yourself up? With what? Brazil? That's a terrible call.
Ump : Well, that's how I saw it.
Brent : Doesn't mean it wasn't terrible...