Friday, May 29, 2009

Revloving Door Etiquette

So, I'm at the library yesterday and they have a revolving door for the entrance (I know...I know...fancy).

And, as I'm leaving, I hop into the revolving door and start pushing. As I'm going, some chick hops in the same revolution space (I can't find what they're actually called, but you know what I mean...there was no glass separating us).

What's her deal? I don't even go in the same revolution space ('s catching on) with Alison, much less some stranger. Seriously b-hole, ever heard of social norms?

It's like, we all have our personal space, and you're invading it. I'm not going to go to a men's room and sidle up to some guy and proceed to use the same urinal as him. But that's what you did.

Wouldn't you be offended if some lady sat in your lap when you were pushing out a grumpy (sorry for the imagery)? I think so.

And you've offended me in the same way. For shame. For shame...

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Terrible benefit...

So, Alison's cousin is graduating from high school. And, in the grand tradition of most high schoolers, she is having a graduation party.

She went to the printers with her announcement about 2 months ago. They had some mix-up at the printer and, long story short, she didn't get the final announcements until yesterday.

And the party is next weekend. Soooo...she has to send them out at the waaay last minute and hope people are available to come.

And you know the printer gave her because they were so late? 150 more invitations. 150 more invitations?!?

Seriously? That's what you're giving for messing up? What in the world is she going to do with 150 extra invitations? Do you think she under-ordered, so these will come in handy? You know what would have come in handier than 150 extra invitations?

ANYTHING! Anything would have been better than that.

This is almost like blowing out a tire on a long road trip, getting towed to the shop and them telling you that they don't have any tires that will fit your car, but you can help yourself to some pork chops.

Verrry helpful.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

18 Again...

Screw all this new noise about 17 Again (Mathew might be a genius on Friends, but you suck an A in the theatre), I was at Target a bit ago and came upon a find that reminded me of the movie 18 Again! (and no, I didn't bring this up just to mention the rare topless-shot-in-a-PG-movie that 18 Again is known for):

Yep...thanks Target, for reminding us that people start as babies with little socks, then grow up and get bigger socks when they're kids, and then they need smaller socks again as they're an's the cycle of life...

Where's freakin' Zoltar when you need him?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hey Sideburns Lady...

aka "Hasn't this poor girl had enough?"

Nope, sorry wins out again. Hoo-rah!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Moving Prank: The Failure

This is the final part of an ongoing series about The Moving Prank:

The Failure

Well, we have a resolution to the moving prank...and it's backfired on us.

The intended victim caught up on my blog this weekend and had never seen the box. He showed his wife my blog to see if she knew what I was talking about.

And she did...EXCEPT...

She thought the stuff belonged to their old roommate (because he had an XBox) and she threw it away.

In hindsight, maybe we should have just put the football and the picture of Bea Arthur in there. and learn.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Moving Prank: The Resolution...

This is Part 5 of an ongoing series about The Moving Prank:

The Resolution

Alas, all the build up has been for naught. As I type this, I'm crying like a baby in a forest fire (or Brent in a forest fire for that matter) because we have not gotten any results yet!

It's been almost two weeks and the box has yet to be found. If we are to believe the hider, the box is just sitting in the master bedroom closet, waiting to be discovered. Perhaps it got pushed under something.

Or perhaps the real reason it hasn't been found is because...these people are taking forever to unpack!

They're too busy riding around on their brand new zero turn lawnmower to put away some boxes and finish off the joke.

Dang it.

I'll have a part 2 of this if it's ever discovered.

Overall, I give this prank a 2.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Moving Prank: The Execution...

This is Part 4 of an ongoing series about The Moving Prank:

The Execution

Now, when we got there, there pretty much was only furniture to move. So, I left the box in my trunk and decided to wait for the opportunity.

That opportunity came rather quickly. While the prankee was dismantling a bed, I ran to the car, got the box and tossed it in the U-Haul...pretty much threw it like a football, so I wouldn't get caught.

So, the first phase of the plan was complete. However, we needed to get it out of the truck when we got there and into the house undetected.

Which, again, proved to be pretty easy. When we got there, I got the prankee to help me carry a piece of furniture that was going around the house to the basement. While carrying it, I told my cohorts to grab the box and get it in the house.

And they grabbed it and put it in the bedroom. Prank complete.

Hold on to your shorts, because we'll have the "exciting" conclusion tomorrow...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Moving Prank: The Plan...

This is Part 3 of an ongoing series about The Moving Prank:

The Plan

Now, the issue with this prank is that all the boxes had already been moved and all we were going to do was be loading furniture. So, we had to figure out a way to get it on the U-Haul undetected.

So, I loaded up the box, wrote "Bedroom" on it and tossed it in the trunk. Drove on over to the moving site and would try to decide for the perfect time to throw it in the U-Haul, where no one who wasn't in on the plan could see.

Ideally, we wanted to get there early, distract the victim and toss it in the truck first. That would have been about the best way.

We'll see how the actual execution went tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Moving Prank: The Goods...

This is Part 2 of an ongoing series about The Moving Prank:

The Goods

Now, to make this prank as good as possible (which, let's face it, it's not that great to begin with, but it's something), you need to have stuff in there that could possibly belong to the person who you're playing this on. But, you also want some weird stuff. So, when the wife opens in, she'll go, "Hmmm...I wonder whose this is. Why is there a naked picture of Bea Arthur? In a frame? But there's also an old football. I guess this is Joe's stuff. Still strange he has that picture of Bea Arthur. Maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did."

So, here is a picture and description of everything going in the box:

1) Old X-Box games

2) Old plastic gag banana

3) Creepy playing cards

4) Old version of H&R Block Tax Cut that they send you for free

5) Can of Oust

6) Empty tin of Cub-brand Honey Roasted Cashews

7) Printer cartridge (still in box)

8) Old, deflated football

9) Framed naked picture of Bea Arthur (outstanding)

Monday, May 18, 2009

Moving Prank: The Plot...

This is Part 1 of an ongoing series about The Moving Prank:

The Plot

So, Vance conceived an ingenious plan for when someone asks you to help them move. What you do is, take an old box from your house, put a bunch of your old and/or weird stuff in it, seal it, label it "Bedroom" (since everyone has a bedroom) and bring it along when you go to help them move.

Then, while in the midst of helping them move their boxes and furniture, you slip your box in there with theirs.

Good times ensue.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Count much?

So, I was at Target and there's a woman who is a TERRIBLE cashierist. Didn't realize I was in her line until too late. Not only did she take longer than any other line (which was shortest when I got there), she also charged me for two bags of cat food (the ONLY item I had was 1 bag of cat food...HOW in the WORLD can you miscount on 1 bag? Seriously?!?) and then couldn't figure out how to give me a refund, since she'd already charged my card. She needed to have a manager come over...

Good times in the land of Target...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Cleveland Tourism videos...

Thanks to Petredis for forwarding these to me. I have nothing funny or clever to say about them and I had nothing to do with them. All I did was laugh hard at one part of each of the videos and chuckle throughout the rest. I'm sure you can identify the part of each video that's the funniest, since you're least astute enough to find my blog.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Burn pits?

So, I'm scanning and I come across the following headline:
So, of course, I assume it was something to do with deoderant and some bad chemical they put into it. And I thought, I know about that a little bit...maybe I can sue too.

Turns out, it was about burning garbage in pits on US Army bases. Now, I feel stupid. Stupid and embarrased.

And I still don't know what to do with my own burn pits.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Shriekin' like a girl...

So, I was bringing down Alison's running shoes from our room and putting them in their rightful place in the car-hole. I opened to door to the garage and tossed the shoes onto the mullet-wig that sits by the shoe pile.

And I heard a squeak.

It sounded kind of like when you squeeze the nose of a clown (and don't act like you don't squeeze the noses of's unbecoming). And, as far as I knew, Alison wasn't hiding any midget clowns (there shouldn't be any other kind...even though midgets don't exist) under the mullet wig, so that couldn't be it.

I reached over and grabbed the wig, and a bird hopped out!

And, boy oh boy, did I scream. I screamed like a grounder was coming at me at third base. I screamed like I was I screamed like a those guys behind me at Scary Movie. (I actually went to Scary Movie and had two black guys who were total stereotypes sitting behind me...and it was faaaaabulous).

Hmmm...maybe I should be more of a man and not scream when I see a bird. Humph...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Caught vandalizing a Wikipedia page!

As of Saturday, May 9th , at 1:01 am, the Wikipedia page for Darren Hambrick has had the career achievements switched back to "No Notable Achievements". And I got reprimanded by Wikipedia.

I still feel that anything in a career could be considered notable. Apparently Chicken Wing disagrees and feels getting Troy Aikman Gatorade is not an achievement. Man, if I had a Wikipedia page, I think "Getting David Spade dinner" might be my notable achievement...and I'd be happy to have it on there!

Well, it was a pretty sweet 2 day ride I had in Wikipedia infamy. If only I weren't such a vandal...

Friday, May 08, 2009

No Notable Achievements?

So, I was looking on the Wikipedia page for Darren Hambrick, the former NFL player turned drug kingpin, when I saw something that struck me as strange:
I've highlighted and circled what is strange, but think about it: Career Highlights. These are the highlights of his career. His career! And they put no notable achievements? Anything could have been the highlight of his career! Anything. It could have been one of his sacks. Getting drafted. Stealing checks from Carolina Panther players. Befriending Rae Carruth. Anything. It's the frickin' highlight of his career.

Screw it, I'm going in to Wikipedia and changing it now.There. Much better.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Swine Flu Kit?

So, I was looking on the internet (they're putting it on computers now!!) and I see this mass-hysteria induced Swine Flu (I mean H1N1 Flu...sorry Pork Industry) Kit (just yesterday...not weeks ago when people were freaking out):

Let me count the things wrong with this picture:

A) Regularly $59.95? How can they even have a regular price on this? Didn't they just invent this thing about 2 days ago? And now they're having a sale on it? What the b?
2) Couldn't you just go to Home Depot and get this exact same thing for way cheaper? Sure, it wouldn't be called the "Swine Flu Kit" and play into hypochondriacs hysteria, but you'd still have everything you "needed" that's in this kit.
D) Can I sub out products? I mean...I already have plenty of disposable rubber gloves and safety goggles...but perhaps I've said too much.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009


James was on the train in Boston and he saw some lady clipping her fingernails while riding the train?


Since when has grooming become such a public event? When does it end? Is that okay she was doing that? Is it okay if she was putting on deodorant on the train? Flossing? Trimming her nose hair? When does it end?

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Weirdest thing...

So, I was going to Dick's (sidenote...if you're ever looking for Dick's Sporting Goods on the internet, what you might think is the address IS NOT the address...I know from experience) to get a scorebook for softball (not that we're actually fielding a full team ever) when I saw the strangest thing blow across the road...

a tumbleweed.

That's right, a tumbleweed blew right past my car. I know what you're thinking, they're not all the uncommon. Let me stop you right now...I was not in Back to the Future III, so I was not in the Old West.

Nor was I in some hillbilly town in the middle of southwest Texas. I was in the middle of a metro area where I didn't know tumbleweeds existed.

Now that I know they exist, I'll be on the look out for them the next time I'm driving, along with saloons and gunfights...especially at high noon.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Happy Hour?

I don't know about you, but at my office, we love to go to Dairy Queen after a hard day of work to unwind with a Blizzard flavored treat...

Then, after that, we sometimes stop over at Denny's for Fancy Eatin' Night. Mmmm...can you say Moons Over My Hammy? Don't front!

Friday, May 01, 2009


Seriously, you idiot, take that ridiculous thing off. You're going to cause a conniption around you!

And yes, yes I was talking about your stupid hat and glasses a-face.