Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Average Joe

OK, so the girl finally picked the "Average Joe". But this had the biggest flaw ever! The guy was already eliminated! The only reason he got to come back is because he got a haircut, they got rid of his goatee and he got his grill fixed. So, was he really still an "Average Joe"? No! He was just some guy who got a makeover. This is not kosher with the Road Rules team...

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Quote from my date last night...

Once we left Old Chicago, we were in the parking lot on our way to our cars. We had planned to go bowling later. Here is what transpired...

Brent: "So, do you still wanna go bowling, or should we call it a night?"
Linds: "I was all ready to go bowling, so let's do that."
Brent (in his head): Shit!!

Yep.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Adventures...

This morning at 8 am, I was casually strolling around Gays Pond, as I am known to do on the weekends. I walked past the two lesbians sitting on the Rainbow Swing and didn't bat an eye, since they were the traditional "Real Life" lesbians and not the Internet Lesbians that we have all come to know and love.

I made my turn around the pond and headed for Velociraptor Hill, to do my dinosaur walk and then go home. As I started up the summit of the Hill, I noticed a man standing at the top, next to a bicycle. He was decked out in his best hippie gear, inluding (but not limited to) a tye-died shirt, cut off pants, nappy hair that hadn't seen a comb or water for weeks and an overpowering stench that reminded me of the time I was in Hell and Satan pinched off a loaf.

I headed toward the man and he raised his right hand towards me. There was something in it. Did I know this guy? Had I offended him when I broke up one of his "Hippie Drum Circles"? Was he going to treat me like Shadow's cell mate treated him? Should I turn around and head the other way, like Christian Guzman does with a ground ball? So many questions...but I forged ahead up the mighty Hill.

As I got closer, I noticed what was in his hand. It was a can of Miller Lite! At 8 am! And he had a brown sack next to it, probably containing the other 5 brothers of the brew in his hand, because all hippies carry their drinks Norris-style.

I continued getting closer and his hand was still raised in the air, as if he had the answer to a question in second grade and Mrs. Sorenson wouldn't call on him. Then, he moved his hand and the can towards his head and it appeared he was saluting me, like he would have done if General Dwight D. flippin' Eisenhower was there!

I quickly looked around to see if he could possibly be saluting someone else, possibly Middle Aged Man or his friend Drinking Buddy had appeared. Alas, there was no one else on the Hill, so he was obviously making a connection with me.

As I walked by, I raised my coffee mug towards him and said, "At ease soldier."

He brought his can down, chugged what was left of his beer and continued on his merry way to the bliss that is total drunkennes.

Meanwhile, I continued on my journey, wondering what other adventures were waiting for me in the Oak Hill Park neighborhood. Only time will tell...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Ballad of Shadow Sikes

Come and listen to a story about a man named Sikes,
Called himself Shadow cause his beard was like a dykes,
Then one day he was lookin’ for some boobs,
And about that time he met a stripper at the Vu.

Gold digga, supa hot, but sleasy.

Well the first thing you know ol' Sikes dropped a G,
Homeboys said "All she’s after is yo’ green",
Said "Six feet down is the place she ought to be",
So they loaded up the gat and went a hunting.

For her, that is. Make amends, cash back.

Well now it's time to say good bye to Sikes and all his friends,
And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin’ in,
You're all invited back again to the max security,
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of prison hospitality.

Backdoor that is. In his cell. Take your draws off, bitch.

Y'all come back now, ya heard?

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Holy Crud!!

OK, I am a little bit peeved right now. Last night I found out some jarring news to say the least. I'm sure I felt how Aristotle felt when he saw George Washington shoot that cherry off the top of Johnny Unitas's flat top with Bart Simpson's slingshot; shocked and awed!!

Apparently there is a new season of Average Joe! And I didn't know about it! I feverishly watched the first two seasons (the third season was wack as Kobe Bryant's unreleased CD, but 2 out of 3 t'ain't bad) and wondered if a new season would come out. Then, I go through the drab summer menu last night to see if there are any new shows on and I find it! And it had started weeks ago!!

God damn it! Apparently NBC, the Trix Bunny and the Formica people are teaming up to keep me out of the pop culture loop! This is unacceptable. I felt like Eric's pet Christmas turtle Jack; dead on the inside and out, no matter how much water you dip me in.

But I think I have found the cause of my error and it feels like blasphamy to say it; fake TiVo! That's right. I have finally found a weakness in the New World God TiVo. Though I am still his humble servant and will do his bidding and take over the mind of Jaleel White when the time comes, I have found a chink in the armor.

Since I don't watch any commercials anymore, I never know when the new shows, or old favorites, are going to be on. That leaves it to me to check the menu to see if there's anything I want to TiVo. And that's as wise as leaving an intern alone in a room with Gary Condit.

So, to solve this problem, I will start looking at the menu about once a week and see if there's anything on that strikes my fancy. But you, my faithful readers, can help me out! Please, e-mail me or post in the comments, shows you think I would enjoy and the time, day and channel they are on. In gratitude, I will write a review of said show and give you a shout-out in the blog! You can't beat that with a dead ferrett! So, please, help me help you. And we can all live again in peace and harmony...

(FYI: Average Joe 4 is everything to be expected; another homerun for geeks everywhere! Though the girl is not super hot, she is sneaky hot and I think by the end of the run, she will have grown on me immensly, just like Kim Carlson. Wayzata grads, you know what I'm talking about!)

Monday, July 18, 2005

The Golden Goose

Have you ever met anyone who has lost at on-line poker? I haven’t either, which seems wrong on a bunch of different levels. I mean, mathematically, if I win 10 dollars, someone has to lose 10 dollars. I can’t win 10 dollars, and the person I beat wins 50 dollars. It’s not Martian math here.

So, am I missing the Golden Goose here and I’m going to end up like Pauly Shore, having to ride my parent’s fame back to the top? Or is the on-line poker boom similar to the internet boom of the late 90’s and the current real estate boom that is consuming the country as we speak?

Everyone I talk to is up at on-line poker. Whether they’re up $90, $4,500 or they clear over $10,000 every month, no one says they’re down. I was talking to Phil Gordon on Friday night and he was talking about all the “easy money” to be made playing poker on the internet. Sure, for a select few throughout the country, I’m sure it is easy money, but there has to be people losing money playing poker.

Now it may sound like I’m coming down on on-line gambling, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I am someone who will bet on almost anything. I’m setting odds on Om getting fighting with someone at Kellett’s wedding. But, and here’s the rub, someone will win money and someone will lose it. That’s just the way the world works.

When everyone was talking about technology stocks and how “you can’t lose money on them” and “P/E ratios are a thing of the past”, most people knew it wasn’t true in the back of their minds. But they let the quick dollar and herd-like thinking get to them and probably lost a good chunk of their wealth.

The same thing is happening today in real estate. “You can’t lose money because everyone needs a place to live” and “The government can’t print up more land”. So, while the leaders are buying up middle class property like they’re gumballs, the calculating people of the world are sitting back, waiting for what happened in Japan to happen here.

This brings us to on-line poker. Since on-line poker is such a sure thing and “you can’t help but win”, millions of people are joining the poker craze. The easiest way to do this is from your house, in your pajamas while watching Laverne & Shirley re-runs. Hey, might as well do what you enjoy while making your money, right?

But it’s going to come crashing down. Not everyone can make money at everything. In poker there is an inverse relationship between winning and losing, and that’s the first rule you need to understand. For everyone who wins money, there is someone losing it. No matter what anyone says, the Golden Goose isn't here and not everyone can win at on-line poker.

Friday, July 15, 2005

If You Roll Wit' Thug Mode - Hired Goons

JB Slice aka The Automatic Weapon
If you think you roll wit' Thug Mode
Let me feel you represent
JB Slice, Leaky Drew
Entertaining all of you
Who you think you are?
Who you think you messin' with?
Let me introduce to you
The Leader of our Thug Mode Clique
Lyrically layin', another verse down
As we prop, each other's hometowns
Before I take another line
Here is that dogg of mine

Leaky Drew aka The Ringmasta
I'm the Leader, the Gangsta
The born-again playa
Layin' it down for my dogg's hometwon
They got bumps shakin', breakin' the ground
Westside Natti
Lakeside Zatti
The towns that Thug Mode represent
Rhymes that are heaven sent
Didn't even pay my rent
Leaky's never hesitant
My dogg, Slice, kickin' the mic
He do what he feel, he do what he like
He don't wanna rumble, dude wanna fight
So he gave him a combo, a left and a right
He caused a fright and owned their crew
Now, Slice, tell me, where you gonna do?

JB Slice aka The Automatic Weapon
The 513, the area I call home
With a GT and two shots to Sleazy's dome
I lean to the left, know girls wanna peep me
Cause of da smotth rhymes, with my cracka Leaky
Why hate the Hired Goons?
Is it the phat toons
That make the ladies have ta swoon?
We up in the club, rippin' up shit
Lyrically bustin', never off hit
And once again, before I stop bein' true
Where my Dogg's at?
Tell me Leaky Drew

Leaky Drew aka The Ringmasta
The Dogg's they hang with me
Constantly yelling Leak-y phone home
The 952, the area that I roam
Pop, pop, pop, three shots to the dome
The chrome is drawn
The brawn, the hidden hustle
All is found in JB Slice's muscle
The pump
The cracka bench three forty-five
The Goons, just lucky to still be alive
And strive
To bring some good to the hood
Educatin' crackas, like beavers eat wood
It's the 513-952 connection
True to the game, never caught messin'
So hit me again Slice, the Automatic Weapon

JB Slice aka The Automatic Weapon
Thug Mode work so fam don't have to
Led by the Leader, Dogsta Drew
One...Gangsta Family
Two...Phat phatties
This is a dance trip
For all the hoochies
Who wear tight shit
Showin' mass coochie
Thanks for the props
From all our friends
They gots to be tops
For stayin' till the end
So drop what you're doin'
And start bobbin' your head
Cause Slice and Leaky Drew
Be runnin' the Feds
Revenge ain't a bitch
Sooth it like an itch
Think of pullin' the switch?
Stop!
Cause you'll end up in a ditch
One last time
Before we stop this rhyme
Let's keep the beat true
The Hired Goon, Leaky Drew

Leaky Drew aka The Ringmasta
For the last time tonight
The Ringmasta runs the mic
So call me Leaky Drew
The cracka from 952
Now what you gonna do?
Hang with us and grab some brew
Stumblin' drunk, so you gonna sue
The Hired Goons, cause they got too crunk
Uh, uh, don't think so
Watch this Leaky slam dunk
The Goons been held down for a long, long time
Now every sack they crack is a quarte, not a dime
So it's time for me to take it home
Reminisce bout where Slice done roamed
Fatal flights I've flown
All the game I've known
We got Goon Luv, for all the playas
And Goon Hate, for all the traitas
So, all the traitas get out the way
What you got to say?
Nothin'?
That's right, we done made your day.

(C) 1999 Thug Mode Entertainment
All lyrices written by the Hired Goons:
JB Slice aka The Automatic Weapon and Leaky Drew aka The Ringmasta
No part of this can be republished without express written consent
of Thug Mode Entertainment and the Hired Goons.
All Rights Reserved.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Bruce Gascan...


Alas, it looks like Bruce Gascan has struck out again and he's in for another lonely night.

Big Headed Bret Boone!!!

I like it. I like this acquisition. I don't think I can be much happier about this. First, we don't have to play 'Crapfest' Rivas anymore. Then, we get to play arguably the best second baseman of the past 5 years.

Has he had a horrible year? Yes.
Has the steroid and HgH rules messed with him? No doubt.
Has he lost the ability to hit for a high average? Almost certainly.

So why do we want him? We need a presence in the middle of our line-up. You can't tell me there are too many other hitters you'd want hitting 7th in your line-up. Sure, he's going to end the year hitting about .240. Is that any worse than Rivas? No. Plus, he's going to chip in about 25 homers and 75 RBI's. Where else are the Twins going to get that kind of production? Abernathy? Rodriguez? Punto? Puhlease. This makes so much sense my brain hurts a bit. I am officialy on the Bret Boone bandwagon and the wagon is leaving the Depot, so everyone hop on and lets ride this to the playoffs! It's moves like this that will allow the Twins to catch the White Sox when they implode!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

World Champs Dethroned!

July 4, 2005
WOODBURY, MN -

The Bag-O world was turned on it's head today as native son's Josh Ryan and Joseph Dvorak were trounced in match play by Team Dan, consisting of Brent Nelson and Daniel Norris. After two years of unbeatability at match play, Team Do-do-do-do pulled a New York Yankees and crawled back into their holes.

It was an unbelievable afternoon for Team Dan. Everything was falling. After three matches and a combined scored of 63-0, the match play championship commenced. The final match was played Round Robin style, with Team Dan needing only one victory to go home victorious.

"There really was never any doubt in my mind." said Norris when interviewed after the match. A match that never really was close. Team Dan was up by 2 when Nelson threw a Golden Turkey, scoring 8 points to preserve the victory.

"Hey, I'm a little bit like AP. Half assy and half classy. What!" said Nelson when asked about his game winning heroics.

"Even Dirty gets a Bag-O eventually" replied Dvorak bitterly when questioned about the defeat.

For years, people said the Yankees were the team and the Red Sox could never win. Now, the baseball world has been flipped on its head, as has the Bag-O world. Meet Team Dan, your 2005 World Champions and the Boston Red Sox of the Bag-O world.

Brent Nelson reporting...

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Taste of Minnesota

Last night, Hubbard, Devo, Demon and I decided to go to the Taste of Minnesota, for food, fun and freaks. As usual, a large Minnesota food gathering did not disappoint and a glorious time was had by all. If you missed out, you should have come. (not to self: hang out with Hubbard more. She's bringing something to the BBQ) A brief recap...

Highlights!

  • The 3.7 mile walk to get there because we were misled by a pimply-faced security guard.
  • The dude with more back hair than an orangutan who was wearing a Harley Davidson tank top. AKA the Definition of Class.
  • The guy walking out of Ramsey County Detox at 8:05.
  • The girl with the largest butt ever. It kept moving when she stopped!
  • Watching Chubby Checker (of 'The Twist' fame!) perform live.
  • Watching old people dance to Chubby Checker (of 'The Twist' fame!).
  • Paying $13.25 for a bucket of warm cookies. Money well spent folks.
  • Creating a MTV 'MADE: I want to be the guy who lights the fireworks' show. I'm in contact with MTV as we speak.
  • Making fun of Devo's weightlifting stalker.

Quotes!

  • 'Is that a train?'
  • 'Why are there no stairs up there?'
  • 'I wrote SB in my journal because his back was looking small today. I need to use shorthand to keep up.'
  • 'He holds the firework in his fake arm and blows it up as a party trick.'
  • 'Hi, I'm your MADE Coach Jacque!'
  • 'Whoa! Look at that one!'
  • 'You mean it's only 3 tickets for a deep-fried pickle on a stick?'

My Personal Highlight

When Chubby Checker was performing, me started singing the Mouseketeer song. Then, he made a lame joke about why he hated it when they did the M-O-U-S-E part. I'll pick it up there.

Chubby Checker: And you know why that was the worst part of the show?

Crowd: (stunned silence and nervous glances)

Chubby Checker: Because then the news was on next!

Crowd: (looks as if Chubby just pooted into the microphone)

Chubby Checker: (laughs maniacally)

Brent: (apparently pretty loudly, what with the stunned silence) That must be a joke from the '50's. Apparently, they didn't have humor in those days.

Old Grey Haired Dude: (turns around and shoots daggers of death with his eyes at me)

Brent: (laughs maniacally)

Friday, July 01, 2005

A simple question...drawn out

So, I wanted to check if Alicia was going to Dan's for the 4th of July. Now, any normal, sane person would have picked up the phone and called to find out the answer. As everyone knows, I am neither normal and many would say I am not sane.

So, the moral of this witty tale is I decided to write her a long, drawn out e-mail, set on a pirate ship, in the form of a movie script. Now, for your reading pleasure, I will post that e-mail here. (For all those wanting to know, Alicia will not be attending Dan's 4th 'o July-palooza)

Without further ado....


EXT. SPRINKLER DANDY - MAIN DECK - NIGHT
Lit by lanterns; no moon is visible beneath the fog. Smoke hangs heavy above the deck. ALICIA'S longboat is raised above the deck rail -- pirates spot her, and stare. One polite fellow stepsforward to offer his hand. She takes it and steps down. She huddles, self-conscious in her nightgown and dressing robe.

An imposing FIGURE in silhouette stands by the wheel. The silhouetted figure moves toward the stairs. A cloud of SMOKE obscures him -- and then, as if he skipped the stairs, he strides out of the SMOKE on the main deck-This is BRENT. Despite the bright colors of clothing, definitely not a man you'd want to meet in a dark alley -- or anywhere, for that matter.

BRENT
Ahoy young Alicia. I see by your robe that the terror
alert level has reached level Mauve. Very scary indeed.

ALICIA
What the hell am I doing on this ship? What's going on?

BRENT
(cowering in fetal position, with one eye covered, forming
what is known to all as a Pirateball)

I had to pitch you a question in a long, drawn out e-mail.

ALICIA
Well, your e-mail has failed to amuse me, but it has been long.
Go ahead and ask away.

BRENT
Arrrrrggh you going to Dan's house for the fourth of July?
It shall be a Jolly good time, with mirth and merriment for all!

ALICIA
(rolls her eyes, undoes her shackles and jumps the plank
into the shark invested waters)


BRENT
(with a befuddled look on his face)
Arrrgh. I'm not going to lie. I don't know what to do with that.


THE END
FADE OUT and CREDITS ROLL