Monday, January 31, 2005

Sports InFlux I

Welcome to the first edition of Sports InFlux, where we allow a guest columnist to present their view on a topic in sports. Today, we are welcoming Mr. James Lee of the Newark Star-Ledger. Mr. Lee is a Scorpio and he enjoys ice fishing, rooting for Kevin Garnett, making fun of Courtney Brown and praying the Cleveland Browns make the playoffs next year. Today’s topic is…

Is Kevin McHale a good General Manager?

James Lee Newark Star-Ledger

Despite the T-Wolves recent win streak, trade talks run rampant, inter-team squabbles make the news, KG is still a brick house but nobody other than KG and Wally get regular minutes. So, my question is, with everyone blaming all the players, and some even questioning Flip, when does McHale start to get some criticism?

Since drafting "Da Kid" in 95, who morphed into MVP "Big Ticket", andhiring Flip, what else can he attribute the T-Wolves success too? Lets take a look at McHale’s track record…

Drafted Ray Allen and traded him for ‘Suck’bury

Gave Joe “Former 1st overall pick” Smith an “under the table” contract and got caught resulting in 3 first round picks being taken away (not that it would have mattered with his track record)

Drafted the following players –

’97 - Paul Grant, Gordon Malone
’98 – Rasho Nesterovic, Andrae Patterson
’99 – Wally Szerbiak, William Avery, Louis Bullock
’00 - (start of no 1st rounders) Igor Rakocevic
’01 - Loren Woods
’02 - Marcus Taylor
’03 - (end of no first rounders) Ndudi Ebi, Rick Rickert
’04 - Blake Stepp


So we can give him Wally, a 1 time All-Star who is playing hard and well this year, and who is still married to a really hot former Miami girl. We'll give him Andrae Patterson cause everyone thoughthe'd at least be solid. Um, and the rest of McHale's wondrful drafting? Yeah. Sounds like a crappy CBA team.

We can't ignore McHale's fantastic free agent and trade choices. Again, the Joe Smith scandal comes to mind. And the always scary Candyman disguised as Kandi man (did you ever shut the bathroom door and look in the mirror and say Candyman....Kandiman....apparently McHale did), and of course there's the wonderful “finally got enough talent to get out of the first round but not enough money to feed his kids” Sprewell, and his buddy Cassell. How could two players fall so fast? “Hey, we'll trade for Spree, who previously choked a coach, so we can bring Wally “theformer all star who makes enough money to feed Spree's starvin’ kids” off the bench (granted he was hurt). And don't forget the Terrell Brandon saga. That was fun. And this doesn't even cover the minor signings and trades. Mark Madsen, Ervin (I'm not Magic) Johnson…the list goes on.

And let's not even begin to mention the players that have quickly come and gone, a la T Brandon, Chauncy, Bobby Jax, Shaq of the MAC, LaPhonso Ellis, Dennis Scott and well, you get the idea. (How can I not mention D. Scott and LaPhonso Ellis, and ya gotta have love for Oliver Miller).

Special mentions go to Sam Mitchell, a great teacher and pro, and a solemn moment of silence for Malik Sealy. If he doesn't die due to a retard driving on the wrong side of the road, the Wolves get out of the first round before last year.

The Wolves need to get a different GM. Sometimes you just need to go in a different direction. And that time is now.

Brent Nelson Biased Wolves Observer

I think your comparison is very biased and unfair. You need to compare it against the drafts of who you would consider to be the ideal GM. Many GM's have bad drafts. McHale did draft Wally and KG. Those were solid choices. You would have made the same Ray Allen trade that he did at the time and don't say you wouldn't. Everyone and their mother was jumping for joy when that one came down. Who knew “Star”bury was going to get mad that KG was the star? We’re not all Miss Cleo here. Teaming Marbury with his "friend" KG was the ideal thing. It, in theory, would have been a Magic Johnson-Kareem team. Plus, they had Googs as the number 3 (when he was good). Then, Googs won't sign with you, and Marbury demands to be traded. Neither of those are McHale’s fault. He needed to get some value for Marbury, so he got Brandon who had been solid and a good “team” guy. Then, his body gave out. Not McHale's fault. Eventually, he parlayed Brandon into Sprewell. That’s right, Brandon (who had not been on a court in two years) was traded for an All-Star. If you’re telling me that wasn’t a great trade, then you’re insane. When he trades Spree this year, it will be good again. Same thing with the Cassell trade. All he had to give up were AP and Joe Smith? Really? Are you kidding me? Anytime someone asks you if you want to trade two Chevy Corrollas for a Escalade and a Ranger, you take that deal every time. Those are solid trades.

I want to look at the draft for the same period for the man many consider to be the best GM in basketball, The Logo, Jerry West.

’97 – DuJuan Wheat, Paul Rogers
’98 – Sam Jacobson, Ruben Patterson, Toby Bailey
’99 – Devean George, John Celestrand
’00 – Mark Madsen, Corey Hightower
’01 – (no picks)
’02 – Drew Gooden, Robert Archibald, Matt Barnes
’03 – Marcus Banks, Kendrick Perkins
’04 – Sergei Lishouk


Well, it looks like the Logo has some decent picks. There is1 solid starter, no all-stars and some role players. If you took away the first round picks in the same years the Wolves lost theirs, we’re talking about losing a starter and a reserve. There is no comparison on trades though. I could have made the trade for Kobe and the signing of Shaq. When they’ll only go one place, and that’s the place you are, it’s pretty tough to mess it up. I’m sure Isiah Thomas would have found a way to botch it…but that’s like saying the sky is blue. It’s just a fact.

The Joe Smith scandal was stupid, but I think that had more to do with Glen Taylor than McHale. Kandi signing was awful, but he had looked good in theory. I was happy at the time. I think most people were. Which is pretty scary in and of itself. You also have to remember his signings of Hoiberg and Hassell. McHale took both of them off the Bulls scrap heap. Bulls scrap heap!! That's like being thrown out by Burger King because you weren’t good enough and then later being served at Ruth Chris as an entree. Are you kidding me? Huge signings!

He's going to put together another package soon. Kandi, Spree, and/or Cassell will be gone. No doubt. It will be a good trade. He's done fine as a GM. Maybe he should get rid of his friend Flip and get a coach who can play a set rotation. That might be the start of something...


There you go folks, arguments from each side. Sports InFlux wants to thank http://www.basketballreference.com for help in providing the draft info. Sports InFlux also wants to thank God for the chance to, uh, thank God.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Apprentice II

It was an interesting strategy that Brian brought into the boardroom. A little Bill Cosby child-rearing reverse psychology. What Brian failed to take into account is that Donald Trump is not five years old and just because it worked on Theo, doesn’t mean it’s going to work on Trump. In an interesting bit of footage they did not show, Brian actually bartered up on the toilets, giving the contractor 75 dollars a toilet instead of the 50 dollars the contractor wanted. Only one word can describe that strategy. Savvy.

I very much enjoyed it when they showed Net Worth putting the sheets over the plastic that was covering the mattress. I just wish they had showed the extra footage of Brian eating a Twinkie without taking the wrapper off and Fat Vince Vaughn reading the directions on how to “cook” pop-tarts.

If some creepy guy tells me “Yeah, tonight at eight o’clock, we’re all going to get together and hang out at the veranda…” that only leaves two thoughts in my mind; there is no way I’m going to be anywhere near the veranda at eight o’clock and creepy guy, Shaggy called, he wants his hair style back.

When everyone was hanging out outside with Magna, is there any chance you don’t start a spring break theme? Seriously? Buy a keg and start having Stephanie and Kendra give out shots while they’re in bikinis. Would anyone be opposed to this? They needed to make this happen!

Was Audrey even in the episode last week? Why do I not remember her? How could I have missed her? It’s kind of like finding a Mark McGwire rookie card in the 99 cent bin. She’s looking super foxy. If she were a potato, she’d be twice-baked, if ya know what I mean! I look forward to her continued success and Amber Brkich-like emergence to prominence!

That montage of Verna walking away reminded me of movie scenes where someone goes on a long journey and they show it really quickly. First, she was on a street, then she was walking by a ghetto, then they showed her passing the beach. Apparently they cut away from her walking past the Sphinx and the Eiffel Tower. Stupid time limits on TV shows. And where in the world was she headed? Didn’t she look like she had just become homeless? All she needed was a shopping cart and four coats to complete the ensemble.

(side note to Tana) I hate when customer service people use your first name! Hate it! Why do you feel so comfortable around me? “Do you want a bottle of water for the road John or Gerri?” You don’t know me! “Bye Tami!” Just leave me alone you blond-haired freak! By the by, it appears you have an extra row of teeth in your mouth. Nothing you can do about it, I just want to make you self-conscious for the rest of your life. (end side note)

Dear Erin,
You are not Cher. The year is not 1973. You don’t have me babe.
Signed,
Brent

“Unbelievable!” It’s the damn Jason Voorhies of TV catchphrases. You can’t get rid of it. There’s no way to kill it. All it’s going to do is terrorize you until you finally get to feel the sweet release of death.

My prediction for a winner after week 2: Sticking with Kendra. She’s pulling a stealth bomber and staying under the radar. Sentimental favorite is Audrey.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Diet Dr. Pepper...

In the commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper, the morons who created it say that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like Regular Dr. Pepper. Huh? What in the world are they talking about? I follow this about as well as Sam Cassell plays defense. Which is not at all. Allow me to elaborate…

Does Diet Dr. Pepper taste more like Regular Dr. Pepper? What does that even mean? More than what? More than Diet Coke? Is that what they’re talking about? If so, then my answer is yes, Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like Regular Dr. Pepper than Diet Coke tastes like Regular Dr. Pepper.

Don't they need something they're testing it against? In the same vein, couldn't you say Brent Nelson is more like Randy Moss? Is that any less correct? There is no comparison model! In the Moss example, I could be saying I'm more like Randy Moss than a stapler, and few would argue. But if I were saying Brent Nelson is more like Randy Moss than Terrell Owens, people would laugh in my face, spit on me and yell jeers towards me until their voices were hoarse.

It looks like what they’re actually trying to say is that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like Regular Dr. Pepper. Now that sentence, I can understand. It makes sense. Like when someone tells you two plus two is four, you can actually understand it. I can wrap my head around that one. You have two objects, and one is similar to the other one. Even the slowest 1st grader can probably bounce along with this idea. What they don’t need to do is get all cutesy and say it tastes more like Regular Dr. Pepper. That’s where they lose everyone. Even Stephen Hawking is sitting at home in his wheel chair, puzzling out exactly what is going on in this commercial. If the smartest man in the world has no idea what you’re talking about, you might want to rethink your ad campaign.

But no one ever brings these points up when those commercials are on! They just go about their business as if they were not having stupid beams shot out towards their brain at warp speed from the commercial, possibly causing paralysis and loss of urinary control. No, everyone acts like the commercial is fine and dandy.

Why?

Has Dr. Pepper paid everyone off so no one even questions them? Who are the ad wizards who came up with that commercial? Do you think it might have been the CEO’s daughter that came up with it and no one wanted to say no because the CEO is known to have a violent temper and “busy hands”? Could that be possible? I would think that someone there has to have enough brains to know that what they are saying doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Do you think the Pepsi Corporation sent whoever came up with the idea to “sleep with the fishes” for their attempt at dumbening America even more? If they haven’t been severely reprimanded already, I suggest that there should be some sort of international protest, complete with egging the people who brought us this commercial!

Is everyone with me?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Randy Moss to the Ravens?

So, it appears that Randy Moss may get traded to the Ravens. I can’t comment on how good this move is for the Vikings, because I haven’t seen what they are going to get in return. If they can get two first round picks and Terrell Suggs (or somehow get Ed Reed) I say they have to do it. The Vikings are deep at receiver and if Mike Tice ever learns what the term “offensive balance” means, they can get along without Moss. As they proved while he was hurt, they can still function without him. If they allow the ground game to work a bit, it will turn out fine. Maybe they can put one of those draft picks with Michael Bennett and get another defensive back. So, it might work out for the Vikings, contingent on what they get for him.

I also can’t really comment on how this will affect the Ravens. I think it could have a Terrell Owens type effect, in theory. But there was probably a reason the Owens vetoed that trade to the Ravens, don’t you think? Probably thought it over and saw the great defense. Saw the fantastic running game with Jamal Lewis leading the way. So what was the problem? Why wouldn’t Owens want to be part of that?

And that’s where we come to the one thing I know for sure; how this is going to affect Randy Moss. The problem the Ravens have is Kyle Boller, plain and simple. If they had a decent quarterback at all, Owens would have been there this year. Maybe they can give Gino Torretta a call and see what he is up to? Do you think they wouldn’t kill to have Ryan Leaf as their quarterback right now? Maybe they can stop by the local Safeway and see if he can take a couple of shifts off and teach Boller how to be a better NFL QB.

Do you think Moss will make Kyle Boller cry? I would bet on yes. Because Moss seems like he can be an ass and Boller is one diaper away from taking over for the Charmin baby. I think there's a 50/50 chance Moss pulls a Najeh Davenport on Bollers’ locker when he only sees the ball thrown his way 4 times in the game. I know Randy is going to throw up in his mouth when Boller throws out one of these patented lines (which was one of his lines against Indy and summed up his season)…

Comp.__Att.__Yds.__TD__Int.
__19_____40___210____1____2

Ahhh...to be a receiver on the Ravens! They must all live in raindrop castles on lollipop lane, not believing the luck they have to have such a "gifted" QB and "offensive-minded" coach who doesn't take himself too seriously. I think there's a good chance Johnny Moxen could be a better QB than Boller. As long as Billick calls for the Hook and Ladder, the Mox is your man…

You know what one of Boller's big "selling points" was when he was drafted? He could kneel on the 50 and throw the ball through the uprights! Wow! Seriously! That is one of the reasons Billick moved up in the draft to get him. How often does that come into play? Once in a career? Maybe? But you're going to trade up to get him because of that? If some scout had suggested that, he’d still be looking for work today, but because “The Genius” said it, no one could question it.

I hear Jason White can juggle two chainsaws and an apple at the same time. Do you think Billick would make him the first pick because of that? God, I hate the Baltimore, Billick and Boller...They’re like the three B’s of the Apocalypse.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Night at the movies...

I was lucky enough to be able to attend the great American cinema last night. Ahhh…a night at the movies. Could anyone ask for anything better?

Since I was in the mood for a horror movie, I was left with two options. I could either sit around and wait for Saw to start, or I could bite the bullet and go see The Grudge, starring one of my mortal enemies, Sarah Michelle Gellar. Having a bad case of ants in the pants, I decided to forgo waiting for Saw and decided to take in a viewing of The Grudge. In hindsight, that was not the most intelligent thing to do.

The Grudge was an adequate movie, at best. In the same way that Hunts makes adequate ketchup. Sure, you still get the ketchupy taste, but it’s no Heinz. With the Grudge, you get the gist of a horror movie, but it’s no Stir of Echoes.

The Grudge was not very frightening and it left much to be desired. The film could have been spruced up had they had a hotter star, someone along the lines of Katie Holmes, to play the main role. If you love horror movies, I would not suggest going to see The Grudge. The Grudge was the Baltimore Orioles of horror flicks. Sure, it’s big budget and flashy, but when you get right down to it, it’s going to let you down. And then overspend on a washed up free agent. But this is all beside the point.

The reason I am telling you all of this is background information. The real highlight of my escapade to the cinema is that I went to a theater I had never been to before. I decided to go to the Brooklyn Center dollar theater. The place was ghetto with a capital G. Seriously. This place made 50 Cent look like Zack Morris. They were selling fried chicken at the concession stand. I wish I were making this up, but I’m not. I swear that the seats in the theater had hydraulics on them, but I couldn’t get mine to work. Must be a G thang.

But being this ghetto, it allowed me to meet a ton of interesting characters. And by interesting, I mean loud. And by loud, I mean Slipknot loud. There is a chance the theater would have gotten a noise ordinance violation if it had been driving anywhere. Luckily for everyone, I kept a little journal of some of the comings and goings throughout the theater during the movie. Enjoy…

Brent walks into the theater and takes his seat. The first seat he chooses has fried chicken grease everywhere, so he slyly moves to the next seat. A little grease is not going to bring him down. No way.

The lights dim and the picture appears on the screen.

Unidentified Child #1 screams “I wanna go home!”
Parent #1 says “Shut up and watch the movie.”

Unidentified Child #1 starts to cry and wail like he was forced to watch Rita Rudner perform stand-up comedy. Parent #1 has completely forgotten the child is there or is doing his best to ignore him. Brent has a feeling this is going to come back and haunt him.

Anonymous Black Male stands up and adjusts his hat. He slowly ambles back towards the entrance while listening to the voice mail on his cell phone. This would not be an isolated incident, I’m afraid. Anonymous Black Male spent 3 quarters of the movie standing in the aisle, and the rest of the time he was hollering at the screen like an audience member on the Jenny Jones show.

Unidentified Child #1 makes his way out into the aisle. Apparently, he decided it was time to play duck-duck-goose with the other audience members. As he is running down the rows, whacking people on the head, Parent #1 is idly trying to make time with the single mother sitting next to him.

Anonymous Black Male yells “Awww…no he didn’t. Fool got whacked in the head when he was sittin’ should have known it was coming cause I called it yo that he’d bleed . Ya saw?”

Somewhere near the front of the theater, an English teacher has a sudden heart attack as she hears the yelling. To add insult to death, Unidentified Child #1 taps her on the head while yelling “Goose”.

On the screen, a ghost type creature jumps out of the attic.

Unidentified Child #2 screams in terror!

Anonymous Black Male screams, in response to the child, “Awww…you just a little punk. Saw that coming cause she jump and you knew she run if she didn’t get killed you knew it. For real.”

Unidentified Child #2 starts to cry and wail “I wanna leave right now. Right now! Right now! RIGHT NOW!” This goes on forever.

Parent #2 looks at Unidentified Child #2 and shakes her head. But what can she do? She’s only 14 years old. Can she stand up to her son?

Brent looks around the theater. Is this what America is really like? Or was he just in some sort of parallel universe?

Finally the previews end and the movie is about to start…

Monday, January 24, 2005

Brooke Burns...

What is the deal with Brooke Burns? Since she went to the black hair, she looks like the Crypt Keeper’s evil twin. It’s borderline disgusting. She looks like Alien Autopsy with hair. I’m not kidding. I get scared when I see her on North Shore. You know there are five different stages a body goes through when it dies. Here would be the captions underneath the pictures as the body ages…

- Just died
- Embalmed
- Decaying
- Skeleton with hair
- Brooke Burns

And we're supposed to be pretending she's hot? We're all supposed to walk around with stars in our eyes and pretend that she doesn't look like death warmed over? Why? Who did she sleep with to achieve this? Did she give Ashlee Simpson that persons number? I, for one, find this whole thing unbelievable. Now, I have to question whether I thought she was hot when she had blonde hair. I go back and forth and back and forth. I waffle on this issue like Eggo’s in the morning. I think it’s a question that can never be answered but it has to be asked.

Can someone who looks real hot get super ugly just by changing their hair? I would normally vote no, but Brooke Burns is living proof that it’s true.

All that being said, I would still date her…

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Apprentice I...

What is the deal with yelling “Unbelievable!”? How did Danny get everyone to do that so quickly? Did he put something in the water? Is he the new Jim Jones? Seriously, after 15 minutes with these people, he has them singing along with his folk guitar and yelling inane catch-phrases while trying to formulate a business plan? He must have the leadership skills of God! Would you have followed along if you had been there? Do you think they would have beaten you up if you had not followed along? You know, kind of like in prison, when one of the white supremacist doesn’t want to be in the white power race anymore, everyone else has the beat him up. I think that’s how the Magna Corp. is: Blood In, Blood Out.

How did Danny come up with that marketing scheme? Seriously, I want to know. What the hell was going on? OK, so the theme is baseball. That I get. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, but what did throwing the golf ball underhanded from five feet away into a hole in the homeless man's house have to do with baseball? And what really was the promotion? What did you win? I’m willing to bet you didn’t win anything. Here’s the sequence of events that probably happened but NBC didn't want to show it...
Danny: Hey, we have this huge promotion going! I wear stupid clothes. I'm annoying and look like a tool. You wanna try this game?
Un-amused Patron: No
Danny: Come on. It’s really fun! (Strumming on guitar while singing to the American Pie chords) Fun, fun, yes we’re getting’ it done. Eating at Burger King while we’re having some fun…
Un-amused Patron: God, would it get you to shut your stupid cake hole?
Danny: You know it would.
Un-amused Patron: Fine then. What do I do?
Danny: OK, now we've never met before, correct sir?
Un-amused Patron: I hate you with every fiber of my being.
Danny: Uh...ok. On to the game then. Just stand over here and throw the ball through that hole!
Un-amused Patron: (stands at the line and sinks the ball in the hole. Looks at Danny, waiting for a prize)
Danny: Great shot! OK, who’s next?
Un-amused Patron: Don’t I get a prize for making that?
Danny: You had the pleasure of participating! That should be prize enough, but I guess you can sing along with me.
Un-amused Patron: (shakes his head in disgust as he walks away)
George: That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And that game is pretty dumb too.

I’d like to congratulate Billy Bob for making Donald Trump feel uncomfortable at the 21 club. I would bet that’s about the hardest thing in the world to do. This is a man who wears pink ties into boardrooms and it appears he has some kind of dead ferret on his head, but he never looks like he’s uncomfortable. Until you start dropping f-bombs on him in an exclusive restaurant. You might want to look up classy in the dictionary. Might learn a thing or two.

I like how the Net Worth leader (who looks like a pudgier Vince Vaughn in Swingers) tried to bond with all of the Burger King workers by saying that none of the "managers" went to college either. Do you think the workers really cared? Because at the end of the day, the people on the show are going back to the Penthouse and the Burger King workers are going back to a one bedroom loft they share with four generations of their family while trying to make sure that everyone has enough cereal and water to eat. So, I’m sure there was a real kinship there. Well played Fat Vince Vaughn.

I’d like to admonish the Donald for presenting America with a very misleading fact. OK, so everyone on the high school side is worth, on average, three times more than the college side. These are all reasonably young people. So, in theory, most of the college people graduated in the last year or two. So, they have loans and have just started making their way in the business world. The high school people have at least 6 years of making money on all the college people. Are you surprised they’re worth more? That’s like saying Todd Van Poppel is a better pitcher than Mark Prior, because when Van Poppel was 22, he was in the majors but Prior had just graduated college and was in single A baseball. Let’s see where everyone is in a few more yours. You’re on a very slippery slope with this one Trump. Be careful.

My Prediction for the Winner after week 1: Kendra

Friday, January 21, 2005

Football Thoughts I...

Here are my thoughts from last weekend’s games and this weekend’s match-ups…

NFC

Vikings – Eagles
: I totally had the Vikes beating the Eagles. Maybe not outright, but at least covering the spread. But they were toasted. It all comes down to coaching. I'm sorry, but the Vikes offense should be unstoppable. They have Moss, Culpepper, and Moore (who should get more PT, but that's another point) and an above-average line. So, what's the problem? Moss leaves the field during a fake field goal. Was it Randy’s fault? Maybe. Coaching problem? Definitely. They're talking about trading Moss up here. Stupidest thing I've ever heard. Make a decent draft on D, and get a better coach. NFC title game awaits. Until they get rid of Tice and put someone in there who doesn’t sound like he just got beat in the head by a 2x4 when he talks, they aren’t going to be able to win. It’s that simple. That being said, the Eagles looked pretty rusty, but Freddie Mitchell looked like an All-Pro vs. the Vikings secondary. If I could be on MTV’s “Made” and I wanted to be made into an All-Pro receiver, all they would have to do is match me up one on one will Brian Williams and I would be made. It’s that simple.

Rams – Falcons: The Rams suck. Falcons don't. So that game was easy to call. Is there a worse big game coach than Mike Martz? Isn’t e about the most cocky SOB you’ve ever heard talk? I can’t deal with him. He’s lived off the Dick Vermeil hype for way too long and I think it’s about time he gets put out to pasture. That being said, the Mike Vick show is in full-effect and I’m hopping on the bus to make sure I get front row seats.

Eagles – Falcons: NFC Championship? Donovan McNabb is to Jim Kelly as Andy Reid is to Marv Levy. The Eagles are not going to take it. Which Vick will show up? If the real Mike Vick plays, the Eagles will lose. If not, the Eagles will win. I bet the real one shows and it's his game to lose. As I’ve mentioned, I have firmly planted my ass on the Mike Vick bandwagon and the next stop is the Super Bowl. I feel bad for Donovan McNabb though. He seems like a good guy. I also feel bad for his mom. She’s going to have to sell a ton of Chunky soup to make everyone in Philly feel better. Falcons 28 - Eagles 17

AFC

Jets – Steelers
: I feel bad for Doug Brien. He's like Scott Norwood, except if Scott Norwood had a second chance, and blew it worse than the first one. Seriously, how many bodyguards is he going to have to hire just to go to the grocery store in NYC? 6? It doesn’t get much worse than that. Happy for Big Ben though. If Brien had made that second kick, I think there are some Pittsburgh fans who would have strung him up. I couldn’t believe the lineman called out Ben. Granted he didn’t have a great game, but way to up his confidence. He needs to not make mistakes. Short passes, hand the ball to the backs and no wild throws. I expect better this week.

Pats – Colts: Pats dominated the Colts. That was insane. I can't bet on Peyton Manning in the playoffs again. Is he the new Dan Marino? I don’t think so, but he may be the next Elway. Remember how Elway had trouble winning for so long, until he got Davis in the backfield and Shannahan on the sidelines. I don’t want to blame the coaching, but is Dungy right for Indy? I think I could do just as good of a job as he does. He’s like the conductor for an orchestra…strictly there for show. But remember, Peyton couldn't win the big one in college either. And this wasn't even the big one. The first year he’s gone, Tennessee won the National Championship. Is there a Ewing Theory starting here? How bad would he choke if he ever gets to the Super Bowl? That would be insane. Pats are damn good though. I was thoroughly impressed with Troy Brown. He's pretty much unbelievable. He had more interceptions this year than the MN safeties combined. Not that that is saying much, but still.

Pats – Steelers: Pats are going to take down the Steelers. Healthy Corey Dillon, Big Ben jitters, the history of choking away homefield advantage in Pittsburgh. Not good times to be a Steeler fan. Jets got lucky against San Diego and lost the next week. Steelers got lucky against Jets and they'll lose the next week. Sometimes karma is a bitch and this week, the Steeler wagon is going down hard to the new NFL dynasty, New England Patriots! Pats 20 - Steelers 10

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Conversation...

Brent: I'm creative.
Eric: You ARE creative. If only we could harness the creative energy percolating in that brain of yours, perhaps our current energy crunch could be averted. You should look into that.
Brent: I have. And wind power too.
Eric: Wind? Wind is for housewives and little girls! Brain power is the wave of the future!
Brent: You wish! Have you ever seen a brain that can move a McDonald's bag from one end of the street to another? Well?
Eric: Yes I have...twice. But to be completely honest, someone had thrown the brains at the bags, so that might not count.
Brent: Yeah, that doesn't count. I think we've all seen brains fly, but they can't fly without the wind, so that's the fatal flaw in your logic. Good try though. Better go back to clown college there Fido!! (ohhh...burn)
Eric: Must you continually make a fool of yourself? The wind is a non-issue, and to prove it, I suggest an experiment. We seal you up in a giant vacuum with a McDonald's bag and a big pile of brains. Now if your theory proves accurate, the brains will not move the bag since we can both agree that there is no wind in a vacuum. If, however, my theory is true, the brains will not only move the bag, but inside of a few minutes your lungs would collapse from the lack of oxygen. Everyone's a winner! I'll book us some time at the local vacuum in AZ so we can settle this dispute.
Brent: Can it be in the same vacuum where they keep Ted Williams head? God, that would be awesome. I wonder if his brain can move a McDonald's bag??
Eric: I believe his head is in a cryonic freezer nestled between Walt Disney and Alfalfa from the Little Rascals. Oh, the stories they probably tell each other! Anyway, it's not a vacuum, but your Ted Williams brain question is intriguing nevertheless.
Brent: I didn't realize Alfalfa had his head frozen. It's probably best though. Because along with Bobcat Gothwait and Theodore Roosevelt, Alfalfa was one of the greatest comic minds of our generation. We need to clone him. It would be a disservice to the future if we didn't. Think if we cross-cloned Alfalfa with Ted Williams! We could have the baseball ability of Alfalfa, with the comedic timing of Ted Williams. Awesome!
Eric: I guess I don't know that Alfalfa is frozen, I just figured that his heirs would have the vision and foresight to cram him into a freezer. The assumption being that when this whole cloning thing shakes out, everyone could have their own personal Alfalfa for laughs, target practice or other various "services". Now that is a hundred dollar idea!
Brent: You know what else is a hundred dollar idea? A potato chip that tastes like peanut butter and you end up chewing it, like gum! Who wouldn't want that? If we clone Alfalfa, he can come back and be the pitchman. "Peanut Buttum Chips" Would anyone be opposed to those?
Eric: I've actually been leaning that direction for years, but I will be no shill for the chip/nut/gum conglomerate. Anyway, quit stealing my ideas! It's like you have some sort of videography equipment inside my brain, continually recording and siphoning away my many, many ideas. Get out of my brain, you silly person.
Brent: I want no one to be a shill for the peanut butter/gum/chip cartel, nor would I ever want anyone to endorse a product they don't fully believe in. However, I think my new product is something you could put your whole heart behind and not feel like you were selling out. It's like the time I endorsed those metal jock straps. Yeah, I believed in them, but did I really like them or was I more in it for the money? I think we both know the answer to that...

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

E-Dub Ain't Wack

I like E-Dub and I can not lie
You other drinkers can't deny
That when your sippin' on Jack and missin' the taste
You know you wanna get faced
You get drunk, but not off the stuff
'Cause you notice that Jack tastes rough
Deep and your mind's preparin'
I'm hooked and I can't stop sharing
Oh Dubby, I wanna go sip ya
And then get ripped, uh
My ladies tried to warn me
But with Evan Williams, you gets so horny
Dubs, ya got me feelin all frisky
You say that you done missed me?
Well, tip me, sip me
'Cause I ain't that average whiskey
I've seen Daniels frontin'
But Jack ain't nothin'
Dub's wet, heck
Gets you messed like a Bolshevik
I'm tired of alcoholics
Sayin' Daniels is the thing
Take the average drinker and ask him that
Evan Williams packs the smack
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
You sippin' up on E-Dub? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to mix it! (mix it!) mix it! (mix it!)
Mix that E-Dub up!
E-Dub ain't wack!
(E-Dub mixed with the Diet Pepsi)
E-Dub ain't wack!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Dreams...

EXT. ANY STREET USA

PAN across the street...we see cars...country stores...dust coming up off the road
The PAN stops on a man.
We PULL BACK to reveal Brent --average height, 25.
Brent is looking up at the sky, whistling.
A loud bang is heard in the distance.
Brent recoils with horror.
CUT TO a stampede of horses going right down the street.

BRENT (O.S.)

Nooooooo!


PULL BACK and the horses run right past Brent.
They all stop in unison 10 feet past Brent.
All of the horses back up 15 feet, simultaniously.
Then, they all take off like they were in the starting gates.
CUT TO Brent, with a tear in his eye.
Brent slowly walks towards where the horses just ran past.
He kneels down slowly, as if he were about to propose.
Brent reaches for an object only he can see.
He picks it up and dusts it off.

BRENT (STARING AT THE CAMERA)

(Sarcastically) Great!
Thanks a lot for trampling on my dreams!


PULL BACK as Brent slowly ambles to the other side of the street.
He's holding his hand like he's holding a leash, dragging his dreams along behind him.

END SCENE




Monday, January 17, 2005

The Waterboy Theory

I think everyone remembers the movie “The Waterboy” starring Adam Sandler. Or, maybe no one remembers the movie “The Waterboy” starring Adam Sandler. That’s how good this movie was. According to the Internet Movie Database, this movie achieved the astronomical rating of 5.4 out of 10. If this movie were a restaurant, it would be Arby’s. Which is about the definition of average. Something you might see once and forget about the next day. And I probably would have forgotten about it, had it not spawned one of the most powerful theories of my generation. Allow me to elaborate.

The Background Behind “The Waterboy Theory”

Allow me to take you back to a simpler time. When the threat of Anthrax was non-existent, OJ Simpson was still looking for the “real killers”, Michael Jackson was still allowed to “play” with young boys at his Neverland Ranch and Britney Spears was still considered innocent to legions of young men. The year, my friends, was 1998.

Another important event happened that probably didn’t play a big part in your life. But from this day forward, the day will live in infamy. On November 6, the Waterboy was released. Millions of young men looked up to their semi-retarded idol, Adam Sandler, to provide them with 90 minutes of spastic comedy that everyone should love. The only problem is, that didn’t happen. We need to delve deeper into this mess. So Velcro up those shoes, because I’m going to let you in on a mind-blowing secret that will never allow you to look at movies the same way again.

The Origin of “The Waterboy Theory” Part 1

On opening night, James Lee and Ben Pavlik decided to take in the movie. As Adam Sandler fans, they went in with high hopes. Coming off the stellar success of Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, Lee and Pavlik had no doubt that the Waterboy would exceed the laughter produced by the previous two. Unfortunately, they were not aware of the Waterboy Theory and it ended up biting them in the ass.

Since Lee and Pavlik went into the movie assuming it would be an 8 out of 10 like the other Sandler flicks, they were bitterly disappointed with the actuality of the 5.4 rating. You see, they went in with high hopes…and an average return. Hence, they didn’t see it as an average return, they saw it as a bitter disappointment. This, my friends, is part one of the Waterboy Theory.

The Origin of “The Waterboy Theory” Part 2

Now we arrive at part two of the Theory. Part 2 allows the fury of the theory to be unleashed to its maximum potential and create a tsunami of epic proportions! (too soon?)

Upon returning to Anderson Hall, Lee and Pavlik relayed their disappointment to me. I was told awful things about the movie that made me not want to see it all and begin to question all of my world views. But I was living in Oxford, Ohio at the time, and there wasn’t much to do during the day besides go make an appearance in the Kroger's parking lot, so I decided to go give it a shot.

I went into The Waterboy not expecting much. After the bashing it received at the hands of Pavlik and Lee, I wasn’t expecting anything more than a 2 out of 10 for the movie. Talk about low expectations. Lawrence Taylor has a better chance of staying away from crack then this movie had of being an above moderate experience. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but then part two of the Theory came into effect. And the results speak for themselves.

I sat through the movie and was very impressed. After going in expecting only a two, I was very happy to get a movie that was a 5.4. That made this movie seem like a classic to me. Hence, the Theory was completed.

The Breakdown of “The Waterboy Theory”

As you can see through this example, the Theory is really simple in retrospect. But no one has really taken the time to look into the detail. When someone goes into something with too high of hopes (through word of mouth, reviews, etc), they are setting themselves up for disappointment. Because something has to be that much better than you were expecting, otherwise it will be a disappointment, as our friends Pavlik and Lee found out.

But Part two of the theory shows that the opposite can be true also. When you go into something with really low expectations, it doesn’t really take much for the event to be better than advertised. As I found out with my viewing of the potential Oscar® classic, The Waterboy.

All three of us saw the same movie, but we didn’t actually see the same movie because of the pre-conceived notions we went in with. This is something to think about the next time the Newspaper says a movie is great and you leave the theatre feeling like the fishing-hat bandit held you up for your 8 dollars.


Saturday, January 15, 2005

Random "Charles in Charge" thoughts...

If you could think of one person in the world who you would want to be your live in nanny, wouldn't it be Scott Baio? Wasn't he the perfect person? If he wasn't bringing you to hang out at the Playboy mansion, he was teaching you how to score with Heather Locklear and Nicole Eggert. Honestly, is there anything that man can't do? Awesome.

Though no one else probably knows this, there were two different families on the show. First, they had a family, sans Nicole Eggert, then that family disapperaed and the other family moved into the house. But Charles stayed. Which leads to the question, was Charles attached to the house? Was it a package deal? Kind of similar to owning a swimming pool, if you buy the house, you also get an aging pimp to teach the kids life lessons? And if he did come with the house, did you automatically have to pay and provide for him too? Because, seriously people, that's the gift that keeps on giving.

Wouldn't it make you uncomfortable to nanny for someone as hot as Nicole Eggert? Not that I have a point of reference, but wouldn't it be like having a really hot sister? Buddy probably came over and would just stare at her, but there's nothing you could do except hope you're not attracted to her. And what would Charles have done if he caught Buddy staring at her? Would Charles have gotten fired if he and Nicole Eggert fooled around a bit? Where is the line? Are there second chances? If Charles wasn't attracted to her, does that make him gay? That actually may explain a lot. These are things I think we have to know.

How do you get in the nanny business? Seriously, why was Charles a nanny? Money problems? No place to take his threesomes to? Can you bring "dates" home when you're a nanny? And by "dates", I mean the groupies he steals from Jimmy Caan at the Playboy Mansion. Is it normal for guys to be a nanny? Can you just show up at a place and say you're a nanny? Is there some sort of certification program? Do you get a medal when you graduate? Could they start some sort of medal reward system? I think this bears looking in to.

Don't you think Scott Baio should start some sort of nanny/hooking up with the hotties class? Would anyone not want to be in this? Could there be a better teacher? It's like having a sailing class taught by Mr. Ferdinand Magellan himself! When this class starts, I'm going to be first in line!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Year of the Black, Older Brother?

Daniel LaRusso is to Mr. Miyagi as Eddie Winslow is to Theo Huxtable
Eddie Winslow is to LeBron James as Theo Huxtable is to Michael Jordan

Though 2005 is in it's infancy, I think we can definitely crown it "The Year of the Black, Older Brother?" Only two weeks old and two older, black brothers are dominating the primetime line-ups on CBS and NBC.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner played the black, older brother Theodore Aloysius 'Theo' Huxtable from the Bill Cosby classic, "The Cosby Show". Malcolm-Jamal has quietly made a primetime comeback in the Tony Kornheiser inspired CBS sitcom "Listen Up." We've been waiting as Malcolm-Jamal hung back throughout the 90's, stalking like a lion, waiting for the perfect time to pounce and complete his primetime return. He must have sensed that America was ready for "The Year of the Black, Older Brother" since he made his much anticipated resurrection in unison with his protege, Mr. Eddie Winslow.

Darius McCrary is better known as the black, older brother Edward James Arthur "Eddie" Winslow in the T.G.I.F. classic "Family Matters". Darius had been in biding his time since the untimely demise of Family Matters but has now landed on his feet. Darius is co-starring on the hit NBC show "Committed". Since Darius is a considerable acting talent (some would say a giant in the land of midgets), I am sure he had been spurning offers since Family Matters left the air in 1998. Darius had probably come to the conclusion that his comeback would be twice as sweet (and five times as savory!) if he could pursue it at the same time as his sensei, Theo Huxtable, was making his revival.

To make this year complete, ABC must develop a sitcom starring some token white guy and the true missing piece of the puzzle, the cherry on top of the sundae, the Ferdinand Magellan of the whole "black, older brother" genre, Todd Bridges, who paved the way for future "black, older brothers" with his portrayal of Willis Jackson on TV's "Diff'rent Strokes".

If Malcolm-Jamal and Darius have taught us anything, it's that we will watch whatever the networks put on, as long as they bring back the black, older brothers to co-star in them! Don't leave America hanging ABC. Spirits have risen to epic proportions throughout the year so far and a new show, starring Mr. Todd Bridges, could possibly erase racism throughout the world. Or, allow me to be entertained for a half hour a week. Thoroughly entertained. The ball is in your court gentlemen...

Timberwolves II - Jayson Williams...

I think the Wolves should sign Jayson Williams, for his rebounding prowess and his ability to...um...murder people. I am not kidding. This argument is valid. Please hear me out! With Griffin and Williams, the Wolves will have a "Murderer's Row" (pardon the pun) in the front court.

Jeez, put him, Eddie Griffin, a gun, one bullet and Kandi in a room together, and there is no way Kandi walks out alive. No way! Hell, you put a camera in there and you got a top rated reality show too. "The Last Man Standing". You'll need to angle the camera away from the "action" so no one will ever know who really shot Kandi, Griffin or Williams. Since they both have a history of shooting at people, it's a wash. I think this needs to be done. It will hit the trifecta on the "Pleasing Brent" Scale (and lets face it, isn't that what we all really want?)

1) Another rebounder to help KG, so he stops ending with 20 boards and the team has 27 total.
2) It will eliminate the Kandi problem. Won't have to buy out his contract...because it (and him) will be terminated.
3) A new show for me to watch. It may only last one week, but what an episode it will be.

I need to talk to Kevin and Flip about this. This is really doable. If Leonard Little can still be playing for the Rams, there is no reason a person can't murder a teammate (thereby helping the team) and not be allowed to play.

Kandi would do more in death for the Wolves than he has in life. He is the only loser in this. And he's already a loser, so it really doesn't matter. Will anyone miss him? Does he even have a posse? Would you be embarrassed to be in his posse? I would be. Is he the worst #1 of all time in the NBA? Will he get another contract after this one? He's like a smaller, clumsier Shawn Bradley with the heart of a lion. No, not a regular lion, I'm talking the lion on the Wizard of Oz. Maybe Kandi should take his ruby slippers out of the closet and see the wizard about getting some skills.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Timberwolves I - How to fix the season...

Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. It's really almost unfathomable. How did the team that came two games away from the finals last year fall to .500? It's not like they lost anybody. They returned almost the whole team. Was last year the result of Gary Trent and his patented Pornstache? I hope not, but it's beginning to look that way. They should go out and resign him, just for the love of the Stache!

Cassell is breaking down faster than Hammer on a dope beat. His decline has been staggering. God, he makes Mark Brunell look like he was the iron man in D.C. I can't understand this. Anytime you hear Anthony Carter is going in the game and you're happy, you know your team has problems. At least Cassell doesn't have attitude problems, so he'll be easy to trade.

And don't get me started on Spree. The whole "feed my family" fiasco has put a damper on everything. Is he even tradeable? Can they package him and Kandi together and get anything? I like the idea of trading Kandi, Cassell and Spree for Glove, Headcase Davis and the Artist Formerly Known as Reaf LaFrentz. I'll eat Raef's contract to get rid of the other three. Maybe Glove can learn T-Hud a little D. And Davis can sit at the end of the bench and complain about playing time, as long as he wears his afro.

Worst case scenerio, they need to cut Kandi. Eat the rest of his contract. He's like cancer and is spreading to the rest of the team. They need to lop off the cancerous part before he affects everyone. I feel very strongly about this. If I had a choice between contracting AIDS or having Kandi on my team, I don't know for sure which I'd pick. I know which one I would want to (because I would like to live) but is it really worth living if you have to be around Kandi?

They have the talent and the superstar, they just need to clear out some of the headcases. KG can only do so much. They need someone who can step up and be a second apple, like Wally. If they can get a distributer, they'd be set. And they need to retool the line-ups. Spree, Cassell, Wally and KG can not be in there at the same time. That's too many offensive minded people. Hassell and AC need to be worked more into the rotation, along with Mad Dog. Starting line-up should be Cassell, Hassell, Wally, Mad Dog and KG. When AC comes in for Cassell, Spree can sub for Hassell. They need a balance between O and D that they don't have now.

These are only some of the things they can do to fix the season. Will they do any? Probably not. They are going to have trouble trading anyone and don't have the cojones to dump Kandi. But something has to be done before they fall out of the playoff race (which could happen).

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

On-Line Dating??

Why is there such a stigma attached with on-line dating? When you use a site such as match.com, why does it make you want to bathe in battery acid if anyone brings it up and you always secretly hope no one you know sees you on the site?

There are only so many ways to meet people and why is one considered so much better than another? Why is being set up by friends better than on-line? On-line is like being set up by your friend...your friend the computer. Does the computer ever judge you? No! No matter how many times you watch Paris Hilton "perform" with night vision goggles, it doesn't say a word. Would your "real friends"? I vote yes. So, why can't the computer set you up just as well as your friends? I don't get it?

And what about meeting people in a bar? Is the computer that much worse than that crapshoot? "But people could lie about what they look like on the computer!" Hell, people are lying about what they look like right in front of you in the bar! It's called the Yaegar Effect. Remember when you were dancing with that sweet girl and she ended up coming back to your place? Then, in the morning, she's been replaced by a hippo with the personality of a foot, and you wish it were a foot, because that would smell better than her tank-stank ass? How is that better than meeting someone on-line?

Can anyone answer these questions? I think it is a completely valid form of meeting someone.

The views expressed in this e-mail are a paid advertisement for Match.com
Brent Nelson may or may not agree with these views.
Yes, there are ugly people in the world. It's a fact. Deal with it.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Alone.

He opened the door slowly, as if wrestling in his mind if he really wanted to go in. Did he? Did the emptiness behind that hard, oak door really matter that much to him? Not really, but he had nowhere else to go.

He was a tall man who carried a considerable heft on him. Not heft that appeared as fat, but more as thick muscle. He looked like he would have been a linebacker in the NFL 30 years ago, before the weight of the world wore him down.

His black, piercing eyes scanned the inside of the house as he slowly crept in. He scanned the inside of the room like he was an FBI agent trying to clear it. The stuffiness hit him like a ton of bricks and he thought about the days when that house was filled with the laughter of a newly married couple.

His wife had abandoned him years ago. He had loved her and given her everything she asked for in the world. He would have walked to the end of the earth on burning coals if she wanted him to. He put her above all others, but she treated him like a speck of dust. She had never really loved him and only married him for the security he provided her. It crushed his soul like a wrecking ball when he found out she had been cheating on him with the gardener.

He returned home one day to find all of her stuff gone. There wasn’t anything in the house that proves that she had ever been there. If he hadn’t known better, he would swear she had never existed. Like a ghost in the middle of the night, she vanished without a trace. He hadn’t heard from her in sixteen years, but not a day goes by when he doesn’t think about her. Though she may have used him, he still loved her. If only she could have seen what he really had to offer her.

He had no children. Though he wanted to start a family, his wife was always too busy or it wasn’t the right time for her. Though that was his one goal in life, to have a nice big family, he respected her wishes because he cared for her so deeply. But now he was like a flower growing in the desert, alone and slowly dying. Everyday wasn’t another day to live; it was just another day until he dies.

As he stepped completely into the house, the weight of the world appeared to be on his shoulders. He was hunched down like he just got finished running a marathon and he was struggling to catch his breath. He moved towards the bedroom with anticipation in his eyes, like a kid on Christmas morning.

He looked in the bedroom as he did every time he came home, just to see if she had returned. And like every time he had previously looked, he was the only one in the house. Nothing changed, but he hadn’t given up hope.

He trudged over to the nightstand in the bedroom. He looked down at the worn stand and paused for a minute. He let the feelings of rejection and regret wash over him. He cradled his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes like he had just awoken from a deep sleep. He took his hands away from his face and his shoulders slumped noticeably.

He slowly reached for the drawer and carefully opened it. He reached in and cautiously pulled out the Colt 45 he kept in the house for protection. She had always thought they needed to protect themselves and he would do anything to oblige her. So, there he stood with the gun to protect her but with no her to protect. He turned around and gradually headed out of the bedroom.

He plopped down on the sofa and flipped the TV on. Since he had retired two years ago, this was his daily routine. He would get up in the morning, go for a short walk to the park and watch the kids play on the swings. Then, realizing his family wasn’t meant to be right now, he would return home, in hopes that she had come back while he was out. When she wasn’t there, he would get a defeated look on his face, and plunk down in front of the TV. He would watch for hours, not really caring what was on.

He hadn’t had any human interaction in four months. He had his groceries delivered to his house, just so he wouldn’t have to see anyone. Judge Judy and Montell Williams were the only friends he had left now.

He looked down into his lap and the light glinted off the steel in his hand. He could feel all the power the gun possessed creep throughout his body. He cradled the gun like a mother would cradle her new born child.

While staring down at the weapon, he took a deep breath. He gracefully moved his head from side to side. He knew exactly what was coming next.

His gaze slowly moved up until he was staring straight ahead in the mirror. He barely recognized the face staring back at him. He had always been a handsome man, with the rugged good looks that most women could not resist. But not today. He hadn’t shaved in five weeks or gotten his hair cut in over a year. It looked like a yeti was staring back at him. Which is just how he wanted it. He didn’t want to recognize himself. If it wasn’t him there, the pain he felt couldn’t be there either.

His head cocked to the side and he slowly nodded to himself. Then a small smile crept onto his face, like he was in on a little inside joke. His gaze slowly moved towards the heavens above.

He stared straight up for seconds, waiting for a sign. He closed his eyes and his breathing became calm and relaxed. While only ten seconds passed, it felt like ten hours had.

He opened up his eyes. He knew the time had come. He was completely at peace and nothing was going to change his mind. He straightened his posture and slowly looked back down towards the gun cradled in his hands.

He didn’t know how his life had come to this but it had. He always wanted to be in control of everything. And now, he held control of his own destiny in the palm of his hand.

He slowly cocked the hammer back and squeezed his eyes as tight as they would go. An even greater calm came over him as he raised the weapon. He carefully placed the barrel squarely against his right temple. The steel on his head felt like ice. He took a deep breath. And another. His heart quickly skipped a beat. Then it returned to its normal pattern. His right hand tensed up like a batter about to take a swing.

He started to ease the trigger back, taking his time, savoring the experience. He’d known this day was coming for many years. Finally, everything was perfect and he pulled the trigger all the way through.

Click!

Dead silence.

He left the barrel of the gun linger against his temple. The iciness of the barrel was slowly warming up with the heat of his body. He slowly put the gun back down into his lap. He looked at himself again in the mirror. The slight smile was still there, but you could see the pain behind his eyes was more pronounced.

He put his left hand down on the couch to brace himself and he slowly got up to return the gun to the dresser drawer in the bedroom.

Monday, January 10, 2005

The Elevator...

7:42 am

I trudge towards the elevator. It was a typical Tuesday. Which is just like the typical Monday, but there are no stupid jokes on Tuesdays. If Satan were going to be a day, he would be Tuesday.

I hit the up button, silently praying that no one else comes while I’m waiting for the elevator. I hate riding in the elevator with other people. I think I’d pay 1,000 dollars to have my own private elevator that followed me wherever I needed to go. I really hate when people I don’t know try to make awkward conversation with me. Who ever said you need to talk to someone when in a confined space? We’re already in an uncomfortable enough situation. Why are you trying to make it worse? You don’t go to a funeral for your friend’s mother and then mention that you had had an affair with said mother while her father “worked late”, do you? No! You keep that to yourself. This is what you should do with strangers in an elevator. Keep to yourself.

I’m standing there, waiting for the elevator to get to the ground floor. Finally, the number says one and the door starts to open. Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone opening the door from the parking garage. Damn it! It’s Larry from Accounting. Larry weighs about a small Shamu, has what looks like an otter carcass for a toupee on his head, always smells like rotten cheese and appears to have last bathed himself when White Snake was still drawing a crowd. But other than that, he’s a very sweet guy. At least he likes to talk so you have to smell his rotten mule breath. Nice touch. Whenever I’m around him, I want to peel all my skin off, dip it in anthrax and throw it at him.

With the quickness of a cheetah (and wisdom of a man) I leap into the elevator and start to rapidly press the five button. While hitting the five button with my right hand, my left hand unconsciously starts hitting the door close button. I feel like Mike Tyson working out on the speed bag. My hands are flailing about, reaching and reacting. This must be what Michael Jordan feels like when he’s in “the zone”.

Finally, the doors begin to close. I’m beginning to break a sweat, but soon, it will all be worthwhile. A little alone time for Brent in the elevator. The doors are shutting, but not as fast as I’d like them to. But then they begin to pick up speed, like a rock rolling downhill. It will only be seconds until the ride is mine! But as they close, I see the look on Larry’s face. It’s a mixture of surprise and dismay. He rears back and pounces forward like Maurice Green off the starter’s block. I've never seen a fat man want something so bad. You would have thought the door was made out of cream cheese! Larry vs. The Door. I’m rooting for The Door like I’ve bet my daughters favorite Barbie on it.

Just as the door is about to close and I am getting ready to do my patented victory “crotch dance”, a chubby hand slides through at the last second. It looks like five Jimmy Dean Pork Sausages connected to the rim of a frying pan. The doors slowly start to retract and reveal my new arch enemy, Larry. Could this day get any worse?

“Hey Brent! Wow, I barely made it! Talk about good luck, me and you getting to ride up together. Man, that weather out there is crazy. I saw this woman today, and she wasn’t driving a car, but it was actually a souped-up shopping cart. I couldn’t believe it! Can you? I was going to yell out the window, ‘Hey baby, why don’t you take a ride on this?’ Do you think I should have done that? That would have been funny, huh Brent? Wow. Talk about good timing, I mean…” Larry pattered on and on, as I slowly started to rip the skin off my lower abdomen.

Ahhh…another beautiful Tuesday. Could life get any better? No way Jose'!

7:43 am

Ashlee Simpson...

Written Oct. 25, 2004

This absolutely kills me. As I'm sure some of you heard, Ashlee Simpson got "caught" using vocals on SNL and she was just doing the lip synching/having her voice made to sound better than it is. They played a different song than the one she thought they were going to and you can hear her the vocal tracks while she stands there and hops around like she was in an Irish Jig video.

Remember when this happened to a popular group called Milli Vanilli? They were stripped of a grammy and forced to live in humiliation until you thought it couldn't get any worse. Then, they did a behind the music to open up all their old wounds. It got so bad that one of the members killed himself. He killed himself!! After two unsuccessful attempts, he took his own life because of how he was strung up by the media.

And what happens to that stupid twit Ashlee Simpson? Nothing. Nothing!! She blames her band for starting the wrong song. The wrong song? Do you not know your songs? You have about 10 songs and you can't remember the lyrics to them? Are you kidding me? And tonight she has another live show. It's like nothing happened. What has changed in the past 10 years? Gosh. I guess I'm pretty mad that she rides the coattails of her famous sister and is a no talent hack who couldn't sing her way out of a wet paper bag.

Yeah, I guess it's obvious, I'm not a fan. She totally rode her sister's coat-tails to being a pop "star". She is a no talent hack who should be roasted for being the no-talent hack that she is. Besides being a no-talent hack, she is also a moron. But at least she is annoying. So she has that going for her. Which is nice. This is a hot-button issue with me. Ever since she got her own MTV show, it has been my goal to take Ashlee Simpson down through derogatory e-mails and threatening posts on message boards. I feel vindicated by her lapse of talent on SNL. I could go on for hours...

Now I don't begrudge Ashlee Simpson for becoming famous from her sister. Far from it. I think that is a perfectly acceptable way to use and degrade your family. That's all fine and dandy. But when you become famous through another sibling through no merit of your own, you should become a running joke. Such as Don Swayze, Ozzie Canseco, Frank Stallone or Billy Carter. She needs to take her rightful spot next to them. I would have nothing against her if she were appearing in Nightmare on Oak Plaza 4: It's Still Alive! co-starring Kelly Osbourne with Aaron Carter as Eddy. That would be fine. And I hope her SNL appearance is the start of her downfall into Loser Sibling Hell.

All that being said, I would date her if given the opportunity.

The 2nd Growing Pains Movie...

I think, to some extent, all of us were distressed by the obvious goofs in the Return of the Seavers on Saturday night. Did you notice how Carol tried to make a lame attempt to cover the snafu that is the very premise of the movie?

When they were talking about selling the house, she something to the point of "You're going to go through with it, not like in '92" Now, as all us Growing Pain afficionados know, the show in '92 that Carol referenced was "The Last Picture Show" 1 and 2. (Episodes # 7-23 and 7-24). Now, as we all remember, the whole Seaver clan is sitting around eating pizza at the end, except for anorexic Carol (a sidenote: I personally think Carol looked much, much hotter as an anorexic girl then when she was nerdy and bigger. Do you think the producers forced her to do it to boost sex appeal of the show? If they did, then they succeeded...) and getting ready to move.

Now, if the 1st Growing Pains movie had never happend, I could believe that the Seavers had something go wrong with the sale of their house and didn't move, but it did happen and Maggie did become a Senator. The only logical explanation is that they kept their house and she became the New York Senator. But are we just supposed to keep guessing? This is not a quiz show, this is Growing Pains. I don't tune in to answer stupifying riddles, I tune in to be entertained by the antics of the Seaver household.

I was also disappointed that the house looked nothing like the house on the show. Give us somthing Mr. James Burrows! And, as I think everyone will concur, the most disappointing thing was the lack of the theme song. How can you have Growing Pains without "As Long As We Got Eachother"? I find this morally unacceptable. I bet the producers of the 2nd movie had to take all the mirrors down in their house because a little part of them died everytime they looked into it and saw themselves and realized what they had done!!

Why do they keep making new CSI's? CSI:New York is wanktacular. When they have CSI:Toledo, I may have to hurl myself through the TV. Is Paris Hilton really that stupid or is it an act? Do you think I could get her to invest in ice burgs? I think so. Can you believe no one bought the Jessica Simpsons gas can on EBay, from when she ran out of gas in Beverly Hills? I think if I bought that, I would have to also buy someone shooting me in the head...

Raised Eye Brow Hello?

When did the "raised eye brow hello" become an acceptable greeting in this country?
Can anyone pinpoint a day? What happened to the good old nod or actually saying hello?
Does it take that much more effort?
Do people know when they give the "raised brow", it just makes them look surprised?
I don't understand. Can anyone explain this phenomenon to me?

U.S.A. Basketball...

Originally Written 8/20/2004

Do you think the US team cares at all about Olympic basketball?

When they lose, the whole other team will be celebrating and Marbury will go "Fuck this shit" and get in his Bentley and drive away? Then Iverson will say "Hey bitches, I got a gold medal for you" and then moon them as he gets in his Hummer H2?

What would the US players do with a gold medal anyway? Do you think they have a trophy room with all their awards they've won in their life? I bet Duncan does, but the rest of them don't seem like they would.

If I went over to Lamar Odom's house and asked to see his Olympic medal, do you think he'd say "Umm...I just saw it here somewhere. I know it was right here…" and hed start throwing crusty Doritos bags over his head and moving his "showcase bong" out of the way? He'll be looking through drawers and then forget he already looked through a drawer and look through it again? And then he finally finds it next to the dog bowl, partially covered by a big bag weed?

Because I bet that's about how much all of them care about the gold medal.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Komedy Karma...

Here's some rationale for picking the Colts. It all has to do with "Komedy Karma". Allow me to elaborate...

See, in the past, Peyton Manning was just a no non-sense hick from Louisiana who wouldn't tell the difference between Carrot Top and a carrot top (and we all know a carrot top is funnier than the Carrot Top, but I digress...). He had no karma coming his way for entertaining people.

Now, he is on multiple commercials. The mastercard one with the favorite accountant is hilarious. Automatically boosts my confidence in Peyton Manning by 20%. Minimum.

And doesn't Manning have to pull an Elway pretty soon and put it all together for the playoffs? I mean, seriously, it's not like he's going to be Dan Marino. He has Edgerrin James in the backfield, not some guy who was waiting tables at Chili's the week before.

So, the point is, with Komedy Karma and The Elway Syndrome, Manning is almost unbeatable in the playoffs this year.

Initial Thoughts...

  • About 3 months ago, one of the people I graduated from high school with killed a guy in a bar fight in Minneapolis in Bennigan's. So we have an alumni website for high school. Not a day goes by where I don't want to sign the following after his name

    "I killed a man in Bennigan's just to watch him die."

    Getting killed in Bennigan's? That's like getting beat to death in Arby's. "How was dinner honey?" "Well, the fries were a little soggy, but the roast beef was good. And, oh yeah, some guy was blugeoned to death with a pool cue."
  • This E-Mail was sent on Aug 3, 2004 and referenced Ms. Jade Ehlert...I just started dating a girl but she's probably going to dump me pretty soon, so I have that to look forward to, which is nice. You know, it gives me something to um...look forward to. But actually everything is going well so far. Just like Hussein said after he first attached Kuwait.

    Saddam, looking forward. "Well. That was pretty easy. No danger on the horizon. Hhmmm. Everything is going well so far." Pan to behind Saddam and Colin Powell is leading a brigade of soldiers in to kick Saddams ass.
    As I said, so far, so good.
  • Have you ever pictured yourself on a beach? This is the most beautiful beach in the world. The sand is the color of mother pearls and the waves are gently lapping at your feet as you sit and take in the view with the love of your life. Your two children are body-surfing out in the waves, having the time of their life. You look up at the sky and think "Could this get any better?" All of the sudden, out of nowhere, a polar bear attacks the beach with the wisdom of a man who trained at Rex-Kwon-Do? Within' a matter of seconds, the bear has maquled you with a sweep kick to your legs and ran off with your wife. Now, all I'm saying is, that's a pretty damn good day, until the polar bear came. I'm just saying...