Wednesday, May 23, 2007

It's like the Nigerians aren't even trying anymore...

Remember when you used to get those sweet spam e-mails from the Nigerian scammers? And there would be a big story about how a king was murdered in a coup and his wife has all the money but no means to get it out of the country? Then, she needs an American to smooth along the process, and she'll give you 20 million dollars for your troubles?

Or it was always something big and grandiose like that. Something that made you think. Something that seemed like it was large and made you feel like you could be part of something important.

NOW?? Check out the Nigerian spam I got today...
I am jane mayon,I have decided to donate
what I have to you.I was diagnosed for cancer.
I have been touched by God to donate to you.
Contact my lawyer Larry Powel with this
and tell him that I have
$10,000,000:00 to you.
God bless

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Two kinds of people in this world...

If you know me, you know which kind I am...

There are two kinds of people in this world.

There is the kind that when someone is running to first and falls down with an injured leg, he'll stop play and let the guy get to first.

Then, there's the kind of guy who, when he sees the guy falls, he yells to the left fielder, "Throw it to one!!"

Since I was the first baseman, I think we can all agree that said player (who pulled up with a torn quadricep) was out at first base. Go team!!

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Goes on everything??

I was in the pantry, getting some oatmeal, when something caught my eye. It was a Can of Hormel 99% Fat Free Turkey Chili. And, on the side of the can, in a big blue star, it said "Goes On Everything TM".

Now, I can imagine the Turkey Chili going on many dogs...fritos...velveeta. You know, the usual suspects.

But, then I delved deeper into this "everything" issue. I mean, everything is a pretty broad term. Now, physically, I understand that it can, in fact, be put on everything (except dwarves, because they don't exist). But was that their true meaning? did they mean to tell you, "Yes, you can put our Hormel Chili on two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding!" But, would you really want to ruin two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding by putting Chili on it? I'm just sayin', that's a buttload of pudding.

And, this phrase is trademarked! That means some marketing person went into a Hormel meeting and told the people that they should have their slogan be "Goes On Everything." What? Was "Now! Unicorn Free!" taken? I need to get a job as a marketing person. I think I would have presented a slogan that was something like "Hormel Chili doesn't need you. It feels loved on its own." And I'm sure that would have gone over gangbusters in the room...

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Sweet Assed Games I Created As A Kid...

Now, as you all know, or don't know for that matter, I used to make up awesome games when I was a kid. You know, before TV dullened my senses and the only thing I can use my imagination for anymore is picturing David snapping and using Susie and Kina as two big drum sticks, and Adam and Tori as the drum. But before that, I used to think of games.

Now, I'm sure I'll forget some. Since, sometimes the games were only played one day. But, here's what I got so far, along with a brief (or not so brief) description...
  1. Blanket Spinner - This game was normally played during commercials (or the pre-Urkel episodes of Family Mattersi) of ABC's T.G.I.F. (OK, I lied...TV hasn't dullened my senses...I've always watched copious amounts of TV). The supplies needed for the game were 3 people, a blanket (or comforter) and two pillows. Now, one person would put the blanket over themselves and spin around 15 times, to make them dizzy. Then, their goal was to tackle one of the other people, while the other people are beating the crap out of the blanket guy. Once the blanket guy tackles someone, it's their turn to be under the blanket. The reason this is fun is because you get to wail on a dizzy guy who can't see. At least, I think that's why it's fun. I won't know for sure until I'm armed with a pillow and a drunk Stevie Wonder. I'll clue you in when that happens...
  2. Jumping H.O.R.S.E. - Ahhh...much like the traditional game of H.O.R.S.E. played in basketball, except this involves jumping over pieces of furniture. To play this game, you need at least two people. Then, the first person picks a piece of furniture and jumps over it. If successful (makes it over without falling), then the other person has to jump it. If they don't, they get a letter. And it's that simple. Some of the most sophisticated jumps involved jumping over a recliner in it's horizontal position and jumpingbackwards over the couch, with the high end furthest away from you. Lots of good times with this game, though I believe it was only played once.
  3. Bean Bag Chair Sumo - Speaking of games that were only played once...Um, this game requires 2 bean bag chairs, 2 people, and 2 understanding parents. Luckily, we had all of those when we played, so it was like the Perfect Storm. Now, since this is pretty easy to figure out how to play, I'll clue you in on the end result; one brother's body thrown right through the drywall, one handyman needed to fix said drywall and one game that would never be played again.
  4. BP Ping Pong - My memory on this is a little hazy, but it involved two Koosh paddles, a ping-pong ball, a ping-pong table, and walls semi close to the table. To get it in, you needed to hit it off the wall, onto the other side of the table. 'Twas fun for awhile, but didn't have staying power. There seems to be a theme with the games I've made up...
  5. Wristband - Possibly the most ridiculous game ever invented. To play, you need a wristband, two people and a rope. You set the rope up between the two people and hit the wristband in the air, back and forth, like volleyball. When someone misses, they lose. This game was invented to convince a very gullible kid that Wristband was the wave of the future and everyone was playing it. Alas, even the gullible kid was not that gullible and this lame game was pretty much over before it started.
  6. Pool Cue Baseball - Gah. Possibly the most dangerous game played (and remember, we already have a game where we're essentially beating up a blind, drunk guy). To play this, you need some sort of foam ball, two people and the bottom end of a two piece pool cue. It's played just like baseball, where the cue is the bat. Unfortunately, the cue does not have a knob on the end, like a bat. Which means that a bat stays in your hands and the cue has the propensity to fly out and strike the pitcher. Amazingly enough, there were no serious injuries reported and this game was a mainstay.

That's all that I can think of for the moment. However, I know there were more dranconian games that were played in my youth. Hopefully there will be some comments to let me know what I've forgotten...