Friday, March 28, 2008

Freegan??

OK, so I was reading CNN.com and I saw this thing called freegan.info...which is a site dedicated to getting food out of Dumpsters...or Dumpster Diving.

It lists the best places in cities to get...um...free food. So, to the right is what they have for Minnesota.

Next to a paint store, eh? So you may want to watch out for paint. Good to know. On an unrelated note, I know of a WonderBread Outlet that is right next to a clinic where they...um...perform...eh...abor...you know...
So, when you dive in the Dumpster...you know...ummmm...FREE!!!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Intervention Link?

OK, so Alison likes to watch the show Intervention. I don't really care to watch it. I know...I know...it is TV. Apparently I won't watch just anything they put in front of my face. Who knew?

Anyway, she watches it upstairs while I'm downstairs. And, every time the show starts, I hear the music and start getting this familiar feeling.

This feeling that I want to find the Silver Sword.
This feeling that I need to find a piece of the Triforce.
The feeling I need to find Death Mountain and destroy Ganon.
The feeling that only I can save Princess Zelda!!!

That's right...they jacked the soundtrack from The Legend of Zelda and they're using it for the show Intervention. I hope they're paying Link some royalty money for that...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Identical Twins??

OK, so I'm picking through the US Weekly that Alison gets every week, trying to figure out what really happened with Brody and LC, when I stumble across the photos of Spitzer's Call Girl.

Now, there was something really familiar about her, but I couldn't place my finger on it. I know what you're thinking. No, I've never visited an escort service, so that's not it. Nor have I seen any of the Girls Gone Wild series, so that's not it either.

Then...it finally hit me.

STIFLER'S MOM!!!


And they're not twins in a DeVito-Governator way either. I think Stifler's Mom may actually be Spitzer's Call Girl's mom!!

I fully expect this to appear in STAR Magazine next week....

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Your wife's car?

So, I'm driving home from The Gym (take that Lifetime!) and I get to the corner of Bass Lake Road and 494 and come up to the stoplight.

I get there and I look at the car in front of me. It's a VW Beetle with a vanity plate that says "SUMMERS". And, I take a closer look and...there's a dude driving it!

Now, I don't know what would be more embarrassing than that. If some dude had to drive that car, they might actually think about cross dressing, just so people don't get the wrong idea. But perhaps I've said too much...

Anyway, I hope that wasn't his car. Otherwise, I just feel bad for him.

Eh, at least he isn't driving a PT Cruiser...now that would be embarrassing!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Craigslist...

So, I was scouring Craigslist, trying to find a free power rack that I don't have room for when I came across this ad:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Maple Bed (full frame with box spring and matress) Headboard/foot

Full bed frame headboard and footboard with mattress and box spring, in exchange you bring two guys to carry another full bed up two flights of stairs. Bed would look adorable painted white, it is in good shape. You might want to replace mattress but it is not too bad. Email me.....Colette
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You might want to replace the mattress? Might? Ew. I bet there are all kinds of...um...how you say...fluids...on that mattress. Might want to get that thing ScotchGuarded next time Colette.

Gross...

Friday, March 21, 2008

I'll take S Words...

In honor of Benny and the party last Saturday night, I leave you with a transcript of SNL today:
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Sean Connery: Uh.. I'll take "Swords" for $400.
Alex Trebek: It's actually not "Swords".. these are words that begin with "S". The answer is: "Popeye is this sort of man".
[ Reynolds buzzes in ]
Alex Trebek:Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: What is.. Popeye?
Alex Trebek: [ sighs ] No.
[ Connery buzzes in ]
Alex Trebek: Sean Connery. And, remember, these are words that begin with the letter "S", not "Swords".
Sean Connery: [ bangs podium, thinking ] Saber!
Alex Trebek: No.
Sean Connery: It began with a bloody "S"!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stupid S Words...

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sally Methface...

OK, so Alison and I (mostly Alison, since I was trying to watch an old episode of CI) were looking on line for return address labels. Apparently, we were looking for "cute" ones, and "cute" means they must have caricatures of us and the cats on them.

So, eventually we find a site where we can do that. And you can arrange all the faces on there to look like your own. But, looking through them, there's one face that just stands out; you can see it on the left:


You have all these nice, normal looking faces and then, all of the sudden, you got the face of someone addicted to meth popping up.

Now, first of all, I seriously doubt any methfaces are looking for return address labels. That seems to be the least of their worries.

But, we'll say they are looking for return address labels. Do you really think that someone is going to pick out a picture for their label where they look haggard, at best? Doubtful...

Then again, they could have been going after me, because I wanted Alison, me and the cats to all look like this. Surprisingly, I was overruled...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Hills Quiz Rip-off...

So, V sent me the People magazine quiz for the Hills. I went to the site and took it and here are my results:


Now, I very much feel I am an expert and expected to get 9 out of 9 (or a billion out of a billion, depending on the amount of questions). I wish to claim shenanigans on this quiz.

I missed the one about LC's dress named for her friend, but I give that question an asterisk anyway since we've never heard anything about the Lauren Conrad Collection on The Hills, therefore, that's Lauren Conrad trivia and not The Hills trivia.

But perhaps I'm a little too sensitive about that...you know...seeing as I'm a dude and all...

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Genius...pure genius...

Now, we've all been using coffee mugs for years. Everyone knows this. But all coffee mugs have had an inherent problem that no one ever talks about. It's the elephant in the room whenever you're drinking coffee. It's like that mom on 20/20 who had no upper lip and no one said anything, but everyone knew about it.

What is the problem with coffee mugs, you ask? Below is a standard mug:

Now, as you can see, the handle curves in. That means, to hold the mug, you either have to have your pinkie finger outside of the handle, or squeeze your little fingie in there and have it be uncomfortable and go numb, possibly getting gangrene or frostbite and then falling off. All because some adwizard couldn't come up with a functional mug, like the one below:


Now, as you can see, the handle curves down, so all fingers can easily fit. It's a dream for coffee drinkers. You have not drank a cup of coffee until you've drank a cup with all your fingers comfortably fitting in the mug handle.

Why is this kind of mug just coming out? Why wasn't this the first handle invented? Seriously? Why??

Monday, March 17, 2008

All About Foreclosure Arsonists

People are burning down their houses
          Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Rates adjusted, can't afford the payments
          Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Now their house is in foreclosure
          Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
They think this will relieve their debt
          Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Now they get to go to jail
          Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
But they still owe all that money
          Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Maybe they should live within their means
          SMART SMART SMART SMART SMART
Now we all have to clean up their mess
          Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
          Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
          Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
          Dahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
          Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Castle Times?

So, I'm sitting down to eat my delicious post-workout bowl of Golden Corn Nuggets (which might, or might not (but probably is) be the grossest name for a cereal ever) when I take a peak at the back of the box.

On the back of the box, as you can see, they have a word puzzle for kids to enjoy, so they can learn as they savor the nuggets of golden corn (which, as the front of the box points out, are not as large as they appear on the front of the box...those are enlarged to show detail).

So, I start to read about the Castle Word Puzzle. And, if you don't want to zoom in on the back of the box provided, here is how it starts:

Life in castle times was exciting and so different from the way you live today. Learn some cool facts while...

Castle times? CASTLE TIMES!!?! What in the hell are castle times? Why are they trying to make kids morons? Are they going to have a time-line with all the periods there have been:

Cave Times
Stick and Mud Hut Times
Pyramid Times
Castle Times
Cottage Times
Ship Times (you know...Pilgrims)
American Cottage Times
House Times
Hamburger University
Bigger House Times
Spaceship Times

There...I think I have them all. Come on Golden Corn Nuggets..learn me....

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Tyra and ANTM get MORE annoying...

OK, now I admit, I've watched all 10 cycles of this show (and I still hate that they call them cycles instead of seasons). It's not even that good...but I always watch it. I can't stand Tyra Banks. She seems like the biggest biznotch in the world, not named Fran Drescher.

But this "cycle" they've managed to take the annoyingness to Anthropologie-esque heights! Now "Tyra Mail" has always been crap. I used to fast forward through it, but that seemed like a lot of work for my fingies. So, I decided to deal with it.

It always involved a note and some chick reading it. But not anymore!

Now, they have this stupid scrolling marquee that lets all the chicks on the show read what the challenge is, slowly and annoyingly...just like Tyra!!

I can't wait until someone in her production company does the following as a joke on her:

TYRA MAIL: Tyra Banks is a soul stealing ego-maniac who doesn't care about anything but herself and her pies...

After that, she'll probably reveal herself for what she really is and eat the production assistant... ME WANT FOOD!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Eagle Scout Roll Call...

So, I got a letter from the Eagle Scouts yesterday. Thankfully, my parents never pressured me to be in scouts (or is it Scouts?), but then again, do any parents really pressure their kids to be in scouts?

Regardless, what follows is the letter, along with my snide comments...good times...hopefully you're like Petredis and you're wearing your bi-focs while reading this... or you could just click on it to maximize it. Whichever is easier and/or more stylish for you...



Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Hayden Panettiere's Whale of a President...

Hayden Panettiere is basing her vote on whichever candidate is going to help save the whales.

At first, I thought this was stupid. I mean, who cares? But then, I started thinking more about it and realized it actually was stupid!

I wasn't wrong to begin with! And that's not normal. So, I've decided to come up with an asinine voting strategy to counteract her asinine voting strategy.

So...Presidential hopefuls, I am going to be voting for whichever one of you declares that they will not rest until they have destroyed all the whales!

Take that Hayden Panettiere! You fool!

Or I'll probably just vote Libertarian like I normally do. Stupid whales...

Monday, March 10, 2008

Anthropologie...

So, Alison and I are sitting at Green Mill tonight, enjoying our Diablo wings, when the following happened:

Some Lady: Oh my gosh, I love you shirt.
Alison: Thank you!
Some Lady: I know where you got that! Anthropologie, right?
Alison: Yep! Everyone can find something at Anthropologie. Right, Brent?
Brent: Yes indeed. I often find I want to shoot myself in the brain when I'm at Anthropologie.
Some Lady: Ummm...well, anyway, I love your shirt...

And that's why they try to not let me out in public...

Friday, March 07, 2008

John Quinones has done it again!

We were watching Primetime: What Would You Do? last night, when they did the most annoying thing known to man. No, they didn't allow Tyra Banks to speak. It was even more annoying than that.

They had one of their segments where some dude had spinach in his teeth and they were checking how many people would tell him about it (I know, I know...quite the breathtaking study. Maybe next time, they'll have someone drop a fork when someone is passing by and see how many people stop to pick it up).

Anyway, they were showing this when John Quinones says:

"And over 27 people came in and none..."

Over 27 people? Obviously, there are one of two things here:

1 ) You counted and know exactly how many people came in (the most likely scenario)
2) You're guessing how many people came in...

But why-oh-why in the name of Bowflex (up to 405 pounds...or more) wouldn't you just use the exact number or guess a round number? Seriously...some people.

I dislike you immensely John Quinones....

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Is He Cheating on You?

OK, so I'm scanning MSN.com, trying to figure out if a coffee maker is, in fact, worth $11,000, when a headline caught my eye:

9 financial signs of a cheating spouse

These are 9 things from the book "Is He Cheating On You? 829 Telltale Signs," by Ruth Houston. And the first thing that they list on there is:

1. Credit card statements that reflect charges for flowers, jewelry or other gift items that the spouse did not receive.

Wow. Really? If your spouse is sending flowers and jewelry to someone else, they might be cheating? Please, tell us more Ruth Houston!!

Crip, what was number 2? Probably something like:

2. Your spouse tells you they are cheating on you.

With advice like that, I can only assume it's tearing up the book charts on Amazon.com. Let's get a quick check:

Amazon.com Sales Rank: #476,818 in Books

Go Ruth! You the man!

Here's an idea for your next book:


And look, we also have the first page!


You owe me royalties Ruth Houston!!!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Urban Outfitters...

So, Alison was scanning through the Urban Outfitters catalog (only Emilio Estevez would know why) and came across the following shirt and asked me if I liked it:

Of course, my answer was "Butt no." But then I got to actually looking a little more closely. You may only see a craptacular t-shirt that you can't actually wear out in public, lest you become the butt of jokes for teens and adults alike, but you need to look closer. Go ahead...closer.

OK, I'll point it out for you:


That's right, this POS shirt that you can't wear anywhere besides under some other shirt is going for $32.00! And that's before shipping...and taxes...

And they probably wouldn't have it in there if no one was buying it, so someone in this world is so dumb, so dumb, that they think:

a) This is a cool shirt

2) They should buy it

d) It's worth over $32

Who are these people? And where do they get correct change?

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Dateline: 10 Scariest Escapes from Death...

As you can tell from the title, this post has to do with the show Dateline: 10 Scariest Escapes from Death.

So, Alison and I are watching this, being amazed at the goings-ons that were...um...going on. Dang, that sentence sucked. Whatever.

Now, we typically watch Dateline because it's pretty entertaining, but this time, it was pretty annoying.

Every time they would stop for a commercial break, it would cut into the middle of a story and the host (I don't remember her name, it was some chick and it looked like she borrowed John Lennon's wig) would say something along the lines of:

Did he make it? Find out...after this!

Of course he made it!!!!!! Otherwise, it would just be called Dateline: 10 Scariest Ways to Die and they could have just saved the escape from the title to use in another story (such as Dateline: How to Escape from Chris Hansen's Sexual Predators).

Seriously though...way to keep us on the edge of our seats! Us and all the other morons couldn't change the channel, since we had to see if these idiots (such as the people who bungee jumped off the 200 foot bridge) made it.

I had double crosses the whole show!!!!

Monday, March 03, 2008

Bad Call Foam Brick?

So, I was at Target yesterday and something on the Clearance rack caught my eye. It was called the Bad Call Foam Brick:


Now, I don't know how in the world this relates to a ref missing a call. It's a brick. Kind of. And it's made of foam. And how in the world does it make you "get even" with a bad call? I mean, what in the world do you really use this for?

With the brick, it seems like you're saying, "Ref, you missed that call, would you like this fun-filled novelty foam brick so you can...um...pat the sweat off your forehead...the sweat you're sweating because you...um...made a bad call! You suck! Bricks rule!!"

Maybe if it were the Bad Call Foam Glasses, it would make sense; "Ref, you missed that call, would you like these fun-filled novelty foam glasses so you can see the correct call next time?"

But that makes a little too much sense. GO BRICKS!!!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

HOLY CRAP CNN!!!

**A SPECIAL SATURDAY BLOG**

I went to CNN.com yesterday to get a market update and this is what it said:


I added the DAMN! (obviously) because seeing that almost made me poodle a little bit...