Friday, May 26, 2006

Another Urination Realization...

So, I'm at work, sitting in my cube, trying to differentiate between EW and JD, when all the drinking makes me realize I need to facilitate. Never one to hold it for the sake of holding it, I decided to get off my duff and head to the head.

Now, as I've mentioned before, we have two urinals in the bathroom at work. What I haven't mentioned is that they have a half partition. So, from about the chest to mid-thigh, there is a divider between the urinals, so you don't "accidently sneak a peek" (I'm talking to you on that one Norris). This is all well and good, unless you are there by someone who is a wide-peer.

When I got to the bathroom, one of the urinals was already in use. And it was this one guy. I forget his name, something like Stumpy the Wide Legged Pee Guy, or General Five Foot Leg Span. Whatever.

The point is, the divider offers no protection for you when you're next to him. His legs go under the divider and are about halfway across the other urinal. So, to go to the bathroom, you have to sidle in like you're trying to make room at the Metrodome and pretend that this is a non-issue.

Some day, I'm just going to stand where I normally stand and end up peeing on his leg. I will, colsarnit, I promise I will. So, Henry, or General or whatever your name is, better watch your leg next week, because this has to stop.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Order Process...

Okay, this is the order process I've had to go through to get my 7 tubs of protein powder for lifting. I implore you, follow this very carefully and let me know if you've ever had more asinine non-service in your life. Thanks.

April 20, 2006
Order Number: 229
Detailed Invoice: 7 x Cytogainer 6.6 lbs (CS-CYTO6POUN) = $207.9
Flavor: cookies and cream

May 10, 2006
e-mail from Brent to Vitaplus...

I still haven't gotten the two of the containers. Are these on backorder? Are they shipping? I know I've already been charged, so I thought I'd check in on this again.

Brent Nelson

May 17, 2006
e-mail from Brent to Vitaplus after receiving no response to the previous one...

Never had lack of service like this from you before, so just checking if everything is okay. I think a month would be plenty of time to at least tell me if the items or on backorder or what's going on. Thanks.


May 17, 2006
response from Vitaplus...

It was sent out awhile ago.

Eddie Molina

May 17, 2006
e-mail response from Brent to Vitaplus...

Do you have any tracking info, because I never got it.


May 17, 2006
response from Vitaplus...

May 17, 2006
e-mail response from Brent to Vitaplus...

Correct me if I'm wrong but wouldn't this be the single container, not the two I'm missing? It only weighed 7 pounds (which is only 1 container) and I'm missing two (which should have weighed 13 or 14 pounds). Right? Paging first grade...

May 23, 2006
e-mail from Brent to Vitaplus after receiving no response to the previous one...

Any word on this? I really don't think you've answered my question. There should be tracking numbers that correspond to about 45 pounds of shipments. Help (of any sort) would be fantastic at this point. Thanks.


May 23, 2006
response from Vitaplus...

another one went out to you bro.

Eddie Molina

May 23, 2006
e-mail response from Brent to Vitaplus...

So, you've been playing me the whole time and never sent it, yet charged me for it a month ago. Well played horrible-business owner, well played indeed. Maybe Enron could teach you a couple more accounting tricks to boost your profits. I hear Kenneth Lay might need a job, and there seems to be some synergy between you two. Look into it...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


OK, I don't know how in the world Kevin (or whoever did it) accomplished it, but when I woke up this morning, there was music blaring in the den and my parents bedroom. And Kevin is in Mankato. So, unless he set some sort of timer, it probably wasn't him.

And it was ominous, creepy music. Like if the Exorcist was on a date with Bjork and instead of making sweet, sweet love, they decided to make bone-chilling music freakier than anorexic Lindsay Lohan.

The whole scene made me feel like I was in the House of Wax. And not the good House of Wax either, the House of Wax starring Paris Hilton. So it was like a nauseous kind of scared. But scared none the less.

I thought I'd turn around and Spatulahead would be there to lop my head off, in a fiendish attempt to attach my head on his shoulders, thus making the nickname Spatulahead obsolete, thuse going by his new nickname Johnny Bumphead.

So, in the end, what I'm saying was freaky.

Monday, May 15, 2006


Oh, I'm sure you've all been there. Willy getting stuck in the porcelain, no plunger on hand. A quick trip to the local Walgreen's, getting accused of using your sexiness to get a deal on said plunger. I mean, real run -of-the-mill stuff. But, since I didn't really have anything else to write about, here's how my trip to Walgreen's went last night:

After scouring the aisles, I finally found their "plunger section". And by section, I mean the only plunger in the store (who knew there was a run on plungers in the North Metro area). So, before Bilbo could steal the plunger, I lunged at it, swooped it up and sprinted it to the fron of the store, leaving tissue paper and Elmer's glue strewn everywhere in my wake.

I finally get to the front of the line and triumphantly gave Meghan, the cashier, the last plunger in the store. And here's our exchange:

Meghan: Looks me up and down warily, like a bouncer letting Richard Simmons into a strip club.
Brent: Smiles like an idot.
Meghan: Will this be it for you?
Brent: Yep, that'll do'er.
Meghan: Ugh...there's no price tag on here.
Brent: Sorry, it was the last one. It was $3.49 though.
Meghan: Hmm...I guess I'll have to believe you.
Brent: Yeah, I guess. Unless it's my big ruse to go to all the stores in the area, take off the price tags and then pay less when I get to the register, all in an attempt to sell the plunging end on the black market and use the stick ends for numchucks. Yep...what a devious plan.
Meghan: You're lucky you're cute, or I wouldn't take that sass mouth.
Brent: Looks around nervously
Brent: Ha ha. Yeah. I have my plunger?
Meghan: Sure, here you go. Don't do anything I wouldn't do with it.
Brent: Riiiight. good night then

And, as I left, the door opened for me. Because I'm beautiful. Well, actually because it was automatic, but if it hadn't been, it would have opened anyway (take that Family does it feel? Does it burn??)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

E-mail chain...

Brent: Sounds like a sweet little deal.
Alison: Yuh.
Brent: "Yuh's" are normally reserved for sarcasm...
Alison: I disagree. I think a"yuh" is also appropriate for something really obvious.
Brent: As the inventor and copywriter of "Yuh" I disagree and if you don't start using it in an appropriate manner, I will be forced to take legal action. Consider this your only warning...
Alison: Well as the inventor and copywriter of the spelling of "yuh" I disagree and have decided that you are no longer able to use the written form of "yuh". My apologies.
Brent: Well, there really isn't a written form if you're not allowed to use the verbal form. So, that makes your spelling moot. But, to avoid prosecution, I will change the spelling to the better choice of "Yuhh".
Alison: That is much too close to my cpoyrighted spelling...I am afraid I am going to have to pursue this matter in the courts.
Brent: Bring it on. I am well versed in legal mumbo-jumbo and will relish the opportunity to stick up for the small town businessman who has his idea trampled all over by the big, heartless corporation. You've met your match Tague...
Alison: You're a freak dude.
Brent: know this whole thing is going on the blog, right?
Alison: You mean you think people would find these e-mails entertaining? I find this highly doubtful.
Brent: You don't know my readership. Don't be all sassed out b/c (yep, just saved time) I'm so clever...
Alison: Clever...rrrright.
Brent:'re waaaay out of line today. Not koshe with the Road Rules team...
Alison: Not koshe? I don't even know what that means.
Brent: I was saving time by shortening Kosher to Koshe, then I would have more free time to play with my Legos. Whheeeeee!!!
Alison: Were they giving out free crack at work or something?
Brent: Nothing is free in this life darlin'. Nothing....

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The gimp offers little protection...

Now, the building I work at employs security guards, to feign interest in what is happening in the building, to stop people from smoking too close to the property and say hello as you grumble up to your cube in the morning. So, essentially, not a very hard job.

But, if you think of the true meaning of a security guard, they are there our security. And that's where I have a problem. One of the security guards at my building is about 108 and has a limp bigger than a cheetah on acid!

Now, I'm happy that the company is killing two birds with one stone, you know employing an elderly man and a handicapped individual. I think that's great. What I don't think is great is when I'm walking through the building and some Cher-himpersonator comes and assaults me and the guard can only rasp at them to "Stop, or I'll come over there" and then take 24 minutes to hobble the 8 feet that was between us.

I think if you're going to have a security guard, they should offer at least a smidge of security. I mean, there are some jobs that aren't right for some people. Sure, you could get away with putting Verne Troyer in the post against Shaq, but I wouldn't recommend it. You could also leave Dustin Diamond in charge of your kids, and while they'll come back scarred for life (you know what I'm talking about Diamond, you sick, sick bastard) they'll still be alive (albeit a shell of their former selves).

But those wouldn't be the ideal people for those jobs (for the record, the ideal people for those jobs are Manute Bol and Gary Coleman) just like having a 162 year old man with a debilitating limp isn't the ideal man to make sure the building is secure (the ideal person for that job is, again, Manute Bol)

So, building owned by the company that shall not be named, maybe you move this nice guy into a cushy corporate office and get someone down there who could actually lift up the 2 oz. can of mase you give them, instead of someone who I caught napping in his boxers...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Nelson Kitchen - Volume 1 - Broccoli Burritos

Now, as many of you know, I'm known for my weird, quasi-healthy (but mostly just strange) eating habits. So, when I create something new to add to my collection of boring meals, I'm going to let you know, so those of you following my diet plan can give it a try. So, here goes...

- 6 egg whites
- 1 bag (4 cups) steamed broccoli
- half slice fat-free cheese
- 8 fish oil pills

- Put egg whites in frying pan (using Pam) and cook as if making over easy eggs. Flip the whole thing once halfway through cooking
- Steam bag of broccoli
- While cooking broccoli and eggs, swallow the 8 fish oil pills
- Put half slice of fat free cheese on the egg whites
- Pour bag of broccoli over top of cheese and eggs
- Fold eggs as if they were the tortilla of the burrito and the broccoli is the meat.

Nutrition Facts
- Carbs: 17 g
- Protein: 30.5 g
- Fat: 8 g
- Calories: 262