Monday, July 24, 2006

Student Drivers...

I think it should be illegal for student drivrs to wear sunglasses. There has to be some sort of law against it, like there should be a law against not growing a sweet moustache if you have the ability. But that's another post...

When I drive by student drivers, I love to look over at them and watch how they are in absolute terror. How they are gripping the wheel like Dan Norris grips the railings in a Handi-stall. How they are afraid to look anywhere but straight ahead. How they have their hand placed at 10 and 2 and wouldn't move them if Simon said so (yeah...that's right, a Simon Says reference). And, my absolute favorite, the look of sheer, vomit inducing terror in their eyes.

And I can't enjoy that when they are wearing their sweet shades, trying to be like Tom Cruise before he pretended to have Suri. And if I can't enjoy seeing their terror, what's really the point of even having them learn to drive? I mean, let's not kid ourselves here; we all know what we really want...

Friday, July 14, 2006


Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2006 08:19:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Brent A. Nelson"
Subject: Michael's
To: "Alison Tague"

If you are out today, can you stop by Michael's or Joann's Fabrics and pick me up a child XL red or blue shirt and enough white iron-on letters to spell out...


Thanks hon...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Attention Moron at Lifetime...

Now, I may not be a medical expert.
I have had to go to the emergency room because a half-dollar got lodged in my throat.
I once lost a bet where I thought that Russ from Friends was not David Schwimmer (though I'm till fighting that one...thank you Snaro)
I picked the Vikings to win the Super Bowl last year.
I once consumed 35 cans of pop in a single day.
And even I know there is no reason to wear your heart rate monitor/socks and nothing else while you're taking a shower at Lifetime!!!!
You may now continue with your day.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I couldn't sleep last night...

because I kept dreaming that when I went into work, they were going to ask me to make a report that takes all of the Prada away from all of the other products and I was freaking out because I didn't know how to dig into the database to find that information.

So, I'm not sure if that makes me gay...or hyper-gay, but either way, I'm fine with it. I just wish I knew how to seperate the Prada...

Thursday, July 06, 2006

TAB Energy?

Have you seen this product in stores? TAB Energy?

First of all, I thought they stopped making TAB after the TAB Clear fiasco that still haunts my dreams when I think of all the possibilities. I mean seriously, has anyone seen this product in stores besides Johnny's One Stop Dollar Shop?

Second of all, TAB is a disgusting product. What it does is take all of the blehiness from Diet Rite and crams it together with whatever the hell was leftover from the old vats of OK! Soda (speaking of OK! Soda...why don't they bring that back in regular and energy forms. That's a product America is clamoring for). So, essentially it takes all the bad things from other pops and makes you think of typing. Mmmmmm...

And lastly, TAB is, and always has been, a drink for old people. You never see some young buck, chilling outside Starbucks, with a bottle of TAB on the table. No. The only place you ever see TAB is in the back of your Grandma's pop closet, gathering cobwebs, being used as a fort by the badgers feasting on old McDonald's Quarter Pounders.

So, why would they make that into an energy drink? The "energy drink fad" seems to be a young person things too. What's next? Metamucil Xtreme! Ensure Power! Fixodent Zero! There's a whole market here waiting to be exploited.

Go TAB Energy! Go!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Jason was really old...

While taking care of my parents dog Casey, I've come to the conclusion that Jason from Friday the 13th was, in actuality, a very old man shaped dog. Follow...

- I walk her out to go to use the facilities, and she takes about 14 minutes to walk 6 Jason.

- She sniffs around, trying to find her "victim" (aka the grass) Jason.

- She wields an axe and a tomahawk to kill unsuspecting teenagers in the heat of Jason.

Now, I think I've laid out a vey conclusive case, and if Casey was just more man shaped, as opposed to dog shaped, I think there's a real possibility that she would be starring in Jason v. Chucky. Alas, she's more dog shaped and just takes a long time to use the facilities. I got nothing.

I saw a guys hood pop up on his car while he was driving on the highway today. Good night! Hooray for sports!