Monday, October 31, 2005

Scattered Eggs...

Last Saturday, I heard someone say the dumbest thing I've ever heard in life. IN LIFE! Some woman at LifeTime was walking past a trainer and commented to her that she wasn't dressed up. The trainer replied, "I guess I should have weared costume." Weared?Is she Scottish? Moron.

There's something about a 60-year old woman wearing a Playboy shirt that makes you instantly contract gonorrhea.

Apparently, when I drink, I think it is hilarious to yell "Hoo-ray for School!" and "Hoo-ray for Sports!" constantly throughout the night. Yeah, that's funny. Big time funny. That's Carrot Top funny right there!

Did anyone else who got that KA decal from the National Office instantly put it through the paper shredder? And how in the world do they keep finding me? It's like the Shadow is secretly a mole working for Holakhjnjjkijher and crew.

Have you ever seen the ugliest person in the world working out? And then, they're straining to do a lift, so they do the official "Fred Flinstone on the Rock Pile" face? Then, did your soul instantly turn to Jell-O and you seriously contemplated giving them a plastic bag? Or is that just me?

They say 50% of marriages end in divorce. But that's only true half the time.

I wish I wasn't DA absolute BOMB at adding, because I'd like to give others a chance.

I was at the movies last night (No, not alone. I was there...with a girl) and there was some creepy old couple. The dude was sitting there and all the sudden the lady laid down and put her head in his lap. About five minutes later, the guy put his hands behind his head and leaned back. Imagination, you're on...

Devo drank a pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea in 16 minutes on Saturday, breaking Dan's seemingly unbreakable land speed record of 20 minutes. Nothing funny there, just impressive. In a related note, Devo smashed his head on a dryer doing the three-point stance. Would have been funny if I weren't too busy yelling.

I did 315 on the floor press today. Nothing funny, just happy.

I'm just saying, when a girl you like asks you to spend the night, you might want to do that. For future reference. Put it in the back pocket...in case it happens...again!

Friday, October 28, 2005

Reasons to go to Duluth for Halloween...

#3 - Fidel Castro isn't going to Duluth for Halloween. Do you really wanna be linked with Fidel Castro?

#6 - Who's going to be there? Webster, yeah Emmanuel Lewis 'cause he's the Anti-Christ!

#9 - Two words: Opposable Thumbs! HOLLER!!

#13 - If you don't go, the Communists win!

#22 - It will be a "blast", but blast or not 150 miles and all the dope I could smoke still couldn't separate me from my problems. And this was good dope. I mean it was growing everywhere. Oh my God! This one time we got so baked we ended up eating all the food at the food the World Health Organization had airlifted in. Oh man those villagers were so pissed! They tried to chase us, but lemme just say thank God for polio.

#27 - It shows Tony 'Who's the Boss'!

#30 - You can see the unimaginable; a pig that won't eat Jews!

#34 - Becasue in Duluth, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

An EBay find!!

So, I was on EBay today, looking for autographed photos of Dustin Diamond, when something caught my eye. When the page first loaded, one of the ads on the page said, "Find wedding and engagement jewelry on EBay!"

WHAT??!!

What kind of cheap assed bastard is going to go to EBay to find an engagement ring for the woman he loves? Seriously. "Well, I love you honey...but not enough to pay retail...or get something new."

Would this ever fly? It might, because I have no luck in relationships and have no basis for my opinion, but it doesn't seem like starting your lives together with a used engagement ring is the way to go.

"EBay: profess your love to her with someone else's shattered dreams; at wholesale prices!!"

Friday, October 21, 2005

Protected by Viper????

Now, as many of my dear readers know, I drive a 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix GTP. In it, I have an "investment" (for the purposes of this article, I will use investment very loosely, since the whole premise behind an investment is that said investment will rise in value and this actually decreases value. Moving on...) of about $6,000 worth of various stereo equipment, including (but not limited to) 4 12-inch Kicker Solobaric subs, MB Quartz speakers throughout and an Alpine Infinity head unit. I say all of this as background to the fascinating yarn that I am about to weave.

To protect the money that I have thrown into my car, I thought it pertinent to get a loud, annoying burglar deterrance device (i.e. a car alarm). Now, as we all know, loud, annoying burglar deterrance devices don't actually work and all they do is annoy everyone when a stiff wind sets them off. But Kayne West is racist and we still enjoy his music. Moving on...

So, I got my loud, annoying burglar deterrance device to make me feel better about my car. It came with various bells and whistles and a tiny remote to turn it on and off. Nothing could be simpler.

Until the battery firkin' runs out on the remote!

Yep. This fancy little remote doesn't open and there is no visible evidence that you need to replace the battery, or that there even is, in fact, a battery. But it doesn't run on pineapples, so I assume there is a battery in there somewhere.

Now, the crux of my story. I was at Lifetime today and set my loud, annoying burglar deterrance device like I normally do. When I came out, I pressed the loud, annoying burglar deterrance device button and nothing happened. This isn't unusual, as it happens on occasion and I just need to move closer to the car. So, I did that.

Nothing.

So, I was stuck. Didn't know what to do. I felt like Lisa after Corynn went off on her. Like the tree, I was stumped! (boo-yeah)

I thought "Maybe if I open the door, I can just start the car and kill the alarm that way."

The last idea I had that was this bad was when I said, "Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, 'When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?'"

So, I opened the car door and immediately the loud, annoying burglar deterrance device starts blaring. Everyone is looking at me! I think I saw someone on the Mir spacestation point at me and laugh. I felt like Eddie Murphy after he picked up Atisone Seiuli, only I didn't have anyone to sue for 5 million dollars for my mistake.

I jumped in while I was Tupacin' (all eyes were on me) and stuck the key in the ignition to kill the alarm and start the car. Small point of reference...the key doesn't work when the alarm is going!

Sprot!

OK, so I have the keys, but no remote to turn off my loud, annoying burglar deterrance device. How in the butt am I going to get home?

I got out of the car and shut the door, to get some air and think. And the damn loud, annoying burglar deterrance device went off again!!

Now, it felt like I was urinating on the Great Wall and the eyes of a billion people were watching my every move. That's two billion individual eye balls!

I started bouncing around, here and there and everywhere. I must have looked like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch. Seriously, if anyone was ever going to report a car being broken into because the loud, annoying burglar deterrance device was going off, this was the time. And it didn't happen.

So, I'm still stuck in the parking lot, trying to figure out how to pump some life into this battery so I can go to my house, where my bed and TV...is. And then, it struck me!

I used my quick goat thinking and rubbed the remote starter as fast as I could. I thought this may create friction, heating up the remote, hence warming up the battery. And it worked!! The damn remote worked, and I turned off the loud, annoying burglar deterrance device. Unbelievable!

Now, for all of you who beared through this mostly unfunny, blatantly unreadable story, I thank you. And, as a little treat, I will let you all in on a little embarrassing secret of mine that, again, shows how much I turn girls off (which is why I know most of you read this anyway...)

The other night, I took a date to Acme comedy club, for a night of laughs and enjoyocity. So, Dave Mordal was performing (very funny, even the opener was good...7 out of 9 mics for the night of comedy) I had my own little witty remark to make. Not wanting to annoy Dave and receive his wrath, I leaned over to whisper the joke into my dates ear. Apparently, she thought I was going in for "The Kiss", because she recoiled as if I were Dustin Diamond and the look on her face was like she had just eaten a huge handful of Mike 'N Ikes. So...at that point, I realized there probably wasn't going to be a future with this lady.

Thanks for staying with me!! Swing low, sweet chariot!!

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Halloween Explanation

Now, as we all know, Halloween is coming and that can only mean one thing; I'm gonna be drinking Long Island Iced Teas in Duluth and makin' out with ugly chicks. Hoo-ahh!!!

But in a more traditional sense, it means candy for all the good little boys and girls and verbal insults for the nerds and runts, until my vocal chords can't handle it anymore. I kid, I kid. I love the little munchins just as much as anyone else. Maybe a little bit more *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* Moving on...

Have you ever wonder what the candy you give out to the trick or treaters says about you as a person? Have you ever stood in front of rows upon rows of delicious candy, trying to decide what kind of statement you want to make to the little marvels that ring your bell? Well, look no further, because Doctor Nelson is about to give you the low down on the goods...
  • Snickers - Ahh, the grand-daddy of them all. This is the Rolls Royce of Halloween candy. With a delicious blend of caramel, nougout and peanuts, the little whippersnappers will be bouncing aound like Tom Cruise on crack when they come to your house. FYI...if you give out the full size bars, the kids will love you, but you have too much extra cash. Express mail me half of each of your paychecks for October and get fun size Snickers. America will thank you.
  • Milky Way - You couldn't quite spring for the Snickers. This is like the cousin you hang out with at family reunions; sure, he's okay when there are a bunch of freaks and weird-o's around, but he's still a freak when you get out in society. Avoid these, if there are Snickers.
  • Baby Ruth - As both Chunk and Sloth know, Baby Ruth's pack a mean punch that will make you do the Truffle Shuffle to get some of the sweet, sweet innards of these delicious bite sized tastes of heaven. This is what Corey Feldman and Corey Haim would eat after getting stoned on the set of License to Drive, so you know they're top notch.
  • Candy Cigarettes - You want everyone to be as miserable as you, so start the kids young.
  • Three Musketeers - Their logo is three men running around in tights. The only way they could get any gayer is if Richard Simmons came with every bar. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
  • Ribbon Candy - Christ Grandma!
  • Skittles - You believe in a healthy diet and want the youngsters to get their fill of vitamin C. Unfortunately, these contain no vitamin C and are a poor man's version of Starburst.
  • Starburst - Ugh. Gross. Might as well give our Mike 'N Ikes.
  • Mike 'N Ikes - Jesus Christ! I'm in hell! I have been taken from earth and deposited in candy hell!!
  • An Apple - You're an asshole.

And, there you have it folks. Which group do you fall in??

Sunday, October 16, 2005

A week of firsts...

Well, the time has finally come. Even in the merry-go-round that is the NFC Norris division, the beloved Minnesota Vikings look like they've run into Dahmer at a steakhouse and they're just waiting for the inevitable. Is there a chance they can turn the season around? God, I hope so, but it looks less than promising. Some of the foreboding events that have taken place this week, all leading to the conclusion that the Vikings are essentially chum for everyone else...
  • I benched Culpepper in my fantasy leagues. Yes, my number one pick in numerous leagues is being sat for Jake Delhomme and (if Delhomme can't start next week) Josh McCown. That sound you just heard was me trying to strangle myself with another Culpepper interception.
  • In my leagues for picks, I picked against the Vikings. I'm an ardent supporter of picking your favorite team if you think they have a chance; and I thought they had no chance. I don't care how many M.I.T. grads you stuff in a room, there was no chance they were going to win today.
  • I changed the channel halfway through the game, to watch Jacksonville (without it's star player) take on Pittsburgh (without two of their stars). Ugh. I probably would have changed it to watch Gary Condit judge Jon Benet Ramsey's last talent show if that had been on. That Bears game was B-R-U-tal. Like getting elbowed in the eye.

Swing low, sweet chariot...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

David Koresh is not "The Man"

I don't care what anyone says, David Koresh is not the man. Though many talk show hosts are starting to talk about him like he's some sort of Ronald Reagan-esque figure who should be revered and put on a pedastal, you have to remember that the man played 'hide the pickle' with 12 year olds.

I was watching some show yesterday where the host wanted to put Koresh in the HALL OF FAME!!! I was so shocked I dropped my monocle and my glass of Tang! I hadn't thought about David Koresh since I told that Waco joke last week (How many of the followers of Koresh can you fit in a glove compartment? All of them!) and I didn't realize this was such a hot topic.

But apparently, this is all the rage. As I'm sure you all know, the debates have been raging for weeks and it has gotten national coverage on all the major websites. People are writing impassioned letters to their Senators and Congressman, begging them to allow Koresh into the Hall!

So, I stand before you today, on this hallowed Indian burial ground, to beg and plead with you to help the United States (and the world in general) and write your Congressman and tell them, in no uncertain terms, that they will lose your vote, if they support the people who want to put Koresh in the Hall.

It's little things like this that will make this world a better place.

NO KORESH IN '05!!

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Fix Up: In Third Person

Who's trying to fix Brent Nelson up? The question is, who's not trying to fix Brent Nelson up? The answer, is most people. But, like the Branch Davidians, there are still the few believers. And what do these people believe in? Brent Nelson, of course.

Are people finally realizing that Brent Nelson isn't just for cereal anymore and he is actually a very valuable commodity, like soybeans, gold and two dollar bills? Brent Nelson would be shocked if that were the case, but recently, Brent Nelson has been approached numerous times by friends and well-wishers, pontificating if he would like to be set up with their friends.

Obviously, Brent finds this deal incredibly lucrative, like finding a Picasso hidden under a crappy Monet. Is the chance for victory at hand? A million times yes. As fictional baseball legend Jimmy Dugan once said, "Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?" But perhaps that isn't applicable here. Brent supposes that a more apt quote would be, "You can't get a hit without swinging the bat."

So, to those trying to set Brent up with your friends, thanks. Brent is confident that with your help, a successful relationship can be formed and you can all throw around the glow sticks at the wedding of Brent and Girl X. Open bar, the way God intended...

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Quotes from Trete's Wedding...

Huber: I'm sweating like a moron.

Photographer: Go stand over by that puddle of mud and walk towards me...it'll be like that Hilfiger ad.

Huber: I wanna see her cry again.
Urban: I know how to do it. Tell her one of her boobs is leaking.

Latessa: How about we line up by moxie or gusto?

Nelson: I'm highly invested in two dollar bills.

Rob: Wait, didn't you have a buffet system? Plate of meat, plate of meat, three desserts, three desserts?

Photographer: OK, now everyone hold hands in a long line and walk toards me...it'll be like in that Hilfiger ad.

Old Lady (to Huber, while he's holding a box of 40 condoms): You're doing the right thing. Can't be too careful.
Huber: Yeah, plus I don't really know how clean she is.

Nelson: Look at us. We're three dudes in tuxes, and all we're getting is a box of 40 condoms and a package of tissues. Even I'm uncomfortable and I know us.

Urban (quoting the Riz): No, it wasn't really a gang-bang...because I went fourth.

Nelson: You made everyone at the wedding uncomfortable.

Mrs. Petredis: I really like Alex.

Urban: She's lucky she doesn't have AAAAAIIIIIIIDDDDDSSSSSS!!!!!

Jackie's friend with the crazy eyes who went down on Roe, then Roe said he loved her and she got a boob job and who I personally think is bi-polar (while crying after she lost her spot at the head table): I'll just leave the wedding and go to my room.

Rob: Wait. The hostage was at the hotel?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Freddie

I think Freddie, the new ABC "comedy" looks like the worst show ever, including the Brian Bosworth vehicle Lawless, which lasted on the air for slightly less than an hour (they actually cut it off before it had finished airing the credits, which had to be disheartening for the former Sooner).

But Freddie looks like something that would have been created if bin Laden, Hitler and Olowokandi got together and tried to figure out the worst torture for Americans that doesn't involve an errant "jump hook".

Here's the plot outline, courtesy of our friends at IMDB.com (IMDB.com...it's not just for movies anymore. Hoo-ahh!!)

Plot for Freddie: A successful chef living in Chicago inherits three generations of family: his niece, his sister-in-law, and his grandmother; and learns to survive living with three very different women.

If I had a choice between watching Freddie and being shocked with a stun gun in the liver, I would be slicing myself open with a sterile cutting blade and forcing you to shock the hell out of my liver.

I don't think I can accurately describe how much I already loathe this show. Imagine your favorite band is the Rolling Stones. Then, they decide to get rid of Mick Jaggar and replace him with William Hung. How much would you hate the Stones then? That's how much I hate Freddie. Times a billion.

Do you hear that sound? It sounds...a...little...bit...like...DEATH!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Milestone...

I used to make fun of those people who would get freaked out whenever they reached one of life's eventual milestones like a birthday, graduation or the first time you ever touched a boob. But now, sitting on my 26th birthday, I think I actually understand what the deal is.

I was sitting in bed last night, thinking about where my life was and feeling pretty confident about everything. I mean, sure, there are things that I would love to change, but all-in-all, I thouth things were going pretty well. And then, I got to thinking about the things that I wanted to change more and the list began and it started to grow like the weight on Kirstie Alley.

So, here it is; everything is going well, except for the following things:
  • I have no girlfriend or even any prospects. The last girl I took out was kind of a family friend and now I think there's a chance that she hates me just a little bit. Which is nice.
  • I'm in a job that I don't really enjoy, but at least I don't really have any chance for advancement either. Fantabulous.
  • I moved back into my parent's basement, so it's like I'm 12 again. This may have something to do with problemo numero uno.

So then, once I thought about those things, I kind of woke up in a cold sweat, in the fetal position, there was "mess" all in my diapers, I was sucking my thumb and crying for my mommy. Luckily, she just lives right upstairs now since I moved back in.

I will now excoriate myself.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

The All Show-No Go?

I was out walking this morning when two people riding bikes together rode past me. One of them was on a TREK Madone SSL and totally dekked out in an official Lance Armstrong USPS bicycling jersey and helmet, with Oakley M sunglasses. The other guy was on a Huffy, in a black Megadeth T-Shirt and jean shorts that he had fashioned himself from jean pants.

I got to thinking, how in the world did these two hook-up to go riding together? I mean, normally, when you see two people out riding, they're dressed sort of similarly. Something similar to this phenomenon I witnessed would be if I walked by a football field and some guy in a tank-top and jean shorts was playing catch with a guy in full football pads with an official Gus Frerotte jersey on. It makes no sense.

So, please, if you're going to go out and do something with a friend, at least know what you're doing and wear something similar so I don't have to be confused and wonder if you were both biking separately and decided to join together or if you're like the Odd Couple of the biking world.

Well, I suppose if I hadn't seen them, I probably wouldn't have had anything to write about and would have had to talk about poop some more. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Good times...no great times!!