Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Quotes from the Fest

I'm sure I've forgotten many, but I no longer have any short term memory and I feel like the guy in Memento. I seriously almost wrote down a note to remind myself to put pants on in the morning. But, then I remembered that I hate pants. Anyhoo...

"That's ill! And not like Will Smith ill either"

"I can't be friends with someone who doesn't like Anchorman"

"Todd's droppin' heavy sacks"

"What's your favorite kind of sprinkler?"

"Hey, is that cop who just got out of the unmarked Intrepid, wearing batting gloves??"

"Do you have any sweet nicknames for each other?"

"Sometimes I call him D.B."

"We are fans of animals and the arts"

"Tom, Erika's here for you"


"Let the foreigner hit!"

"Wang size"

Monday, May 23, 2005

Minnesota Twins I hate...

Shannon Stewart - Biggest waste of 6 million dollars since Magellan bought Noah's Ark.

Kyle Lohse - He has so much God-given talent and he just wastes it all...like Jaleel White.

Luis Rivas - Do you remember back in the 50's when it was okay for a second baseman to just be a good fielder and hitting was a bonus? Yeah...neither do I.

Carlos Silva - Each time he throws the ball, I can't believe it's not ripped right back through him. How many years can a guy get lucky for? I guess we'll find out.

Luckily, this list has shortened dramatically since previous years, what with Guzman, Dougie Ballgame, Milton, Knoblauch, Koskie, A-Gay Pryzinski and various others finding homes at other locales around the league.

We finally have a team where I don't feel like a total hypocrite rooting for them.

Monday, May 16, 2005


I have either just entered a state of depression or I have exited a state of depression. I really can't tell yet. Here are two of the signs of depression

1) You watch a lot of TV
2) Things that used to bring you joy don't bring you joy anymore

I watch a ton of TV. Does that mean I'm depressed?

Watching TV is not bringing me as much joy as it used to. Does that mean I'm depressed?

It seems like I've opened quite the Pandora's Box here...

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


So, as we all know, Britney Spears is pregnant. Which is fine. She has the right to do whatever she wants..in a perfect world. But this ain't a perfect world.

On her website, she says she enjoys being pregnant because she loves eating for two. Everyone who thinks she's really eating for two and this won't continue once the kid is born, I have some investment property in Florida to sell you.

She is quickly turning gross. And this is not going to help the cause. By the time she's 35, she's gonna be an indentical twin for Roseanne. And I'm going to be leaning over a railing somewhere, puking in a bucket.

The worst part is, you'll have to explain to your son why you thought she was hot 15 years ago. No matter what you say, he won't believe you and a little part of him will die inside when he knows his dad thought, essentially, Roseanne was hot at one time.

That's the reason I probably shouldn't have kids. That, and the vicarious need to live through them and their athletic achievements. But mostly the whole ugly Britney Spears thing.

Monday, May 09, 2005


So I was in a bar this last weekend, eavesdropping on others conversations, as I am known to do. When lo and behold, I hear a guy hitting on this chick by talking about his favorite websites.

Now, there’s nothing terribly unusual about that. Many guys don’t understand that the ladies just aren’t interested in the internet and their favorite websites. That’s fine…we all have to learn somehow.

What was interesting was that it was actually working on the chick. She was digging every word that was coming out of his mouth. And this was not an attractive man either. He looked like Steve Buscemi would if he got hit in the face with a frying pan after his mother mated with a horse. He was uglier than a butt. That’s all I’m saying. But she was totally digging him.

This led me to one conclusion. This guy had built some sort of she-bot to procreate with. That was the only solution I could think of. So, I went over to rip her wig off and exposed them for the frauds that they were and then I would probably get some sort of congratulatory call from the White House, a key to the city and ringside seats to the Mike Tyson-Roaring Lion match.

Now, as we all know, robots can not grow hair. They have to wear wigs. While they have figured out how to have robot childbirth, robot souls and robot whoopee, they have not mastered robot hair.

So, I went over there to rip off the wig. And it came right off! But instead of exposing wanton wiring and bells and whistles, it just revealed a shaved palate. It turns out that it was some pre-op transsexual, not a robot! Boy, when I found that out, was I ever embarrassed.

But it sure would have been sweet if that guy had made a robot to listen to him talk about the internet. Sweet indeed.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Remaking - Vanilla Ice

Wow...that re-making was incredible. I can't believe how much he allowed everyone to change his appearance and style. He's right though, it is all about the music! I didn't even recognize him when he came on stage at the end. It looked nothing like when he was opening for ICP at the beginning. It's fantastic how he came up with those lyrics so quickly. I've actually recorded that to show to my kids on how to become a success one day. They can watch that right after my "Jose Canseco Baseball Camp" video. Ahhh...awesomeness achieved.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Hungy, Hungry Hippos

Whatever happened to marbles? Did you ever play marbles when you were a kid? I didn't. I also didn't know anyone who did.

I did, however, use marbles in Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Now, I've started to delve a little bit deeper into this game. Sure, it seems like innocent fun, what with the Hippos trying to gobble down as many marbles as they can.

But isn't that a perpetuating a stereotype? Saying hippos are always hungry? That all they ever want to do is eat, and therefore get fat. That doesn't seem like the public image that hippos would want. All in all, it seems pretty racist to me.

Maybe the Hippos should set up a lobby on Capital Hill, right next to those damn Injuns and fight for justice!

(hi...Satan, my name is Brent and it looks like I will be joining you and Emilio Estevez eventually)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

SBTB Trivia!

Are you masquerading as a true Bell Head? Do you think Richie was actually the better Belding? Have you ever called Domino's and ordered a pizza with "I Hate Jessie" spelled out in anchovies? Well, it's time to put your money where your mouth is and answer Saved by the Bell trvia questions. The first five are rather elementary. Good luck...

1) What is the name of the band that the gang forms that sings "Friends Forever"?

2) What is the name of the Driver's Ed instructor?

3) What is the name of the guy Kelly leaves Zack for?

4) What school does Zack get accepted to after he gets his SAT's back? (there are two acceptable answers here)

5) What does A.C. in A.C. Slater stand for?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Lifetime Lady...

So whenever I go to Lifetime Fitness, which is pretty much once a day, there is a lady sitting there on the couch watching TV. I've never seen her on a treadmill, lift a weight or head down to the pool. She just sits there, watching TV. This, at first, seems like a pretty big waste of a gym membership. I mean, I sit at home and watch TV and I don't have to pay 50 dollars a month to do it.

Ahhh...but therein lies the rub. I do have to pay someone to watch TV when I'm at home. I'm paying Time Warner whoknowshowmuch a month to watch quality cable programming. I'm also paying Lifetime Fitness 50 dollars a month to use their workout facilities.

It seems that this lady has found a loophole. She only pays one company for both her workout privileges and cable TV privileges! This is incredible! What I first perceived as sheer laziness in the face of working out is essentially one of the greatest discoveries in the history of mankind. This woman might win a Nobel Peace Prize...if they start giving it out for laziness.

Now, I know what all you naysayers are thinking. Sure, you could go to a bar and watch TV for free. But do you get to control the TV at the bar? Can you adjust the volume so you can hear? Or are you mere seconds away from a hot shower? Can you go downstairs and get a run in on the treadmill during a show? (I should let it be known that this woman probably can't do the last thing either. Truth be told, she's enormous)

And for all those options, plus numerous others that I don't have space to list, the Lifetime Fitness Cable and Workout package is the best deal going. It makes it look like the Arby's 5 for $5.95 deal was put out there by Mormons!