Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Apparently...

there is someone out there who reads my blog. Alison and I got home the other day, and what was in the mailbox? That's right...

M.U.S.C.L.E. MEN!!!!!

So thank you, to the fantastic blog reader, who decided to make it a Merry Christmas in the Nelson household by sending the gift of little plastic pink men...

Vacation...

Now, I've been working hard to do a daily blog for all you daily, M-F. Now, Alison and I are leaving for Arizona today, so there will be no new blogs until next week. I feel your pain.

I will leave you with this (and it's the truth):

Brent: OK, so I added a stat tracker to my blog, to find out how people are finding it in search engines.
Brent: Guess what the search is where over half the people come to my blog is.
Brent: The search most people come to my blog from is...Betty White Nude Photos.
Justin: What?????????????
Brent: Yep...many people are searching for that.
Brent: I have no words....
Brent: It's crazy. It was over 30 searches, from all over the USA.
Justin: So then they just read your blog?
Brent: No, they click on it, don't see any Betty White ass, and click the back button.
Brent: Time spent is typically zero seconds

Go Society!! Am I right people?

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Another one...

So, I'm on my way to Jonathan and Adriann's wedding on Friday. I'm in stop and go traffic on 694E, minding my own business, trying to figure out the 15th decimal point in pi, because I'd forgotten.

BAM!!!

All of the sudden, I'm tatered from behind (head out of the gutter Dan) by some truck. I wasn't even moving and I get rear-ended...again Someone hit them, then they hit into me, then I got out of my car and started swearing; you know, the usual chain of events.

But I don't get it. I'd never been hit before I got the Audi, now I've been rear-ended twice in 6 months, and both times I was at a complete stop. I'm like the Houdini of driving, if, you know, Houdini had constantly gotten hit while he sat in traffic.

At least they had insurance...but I'm sure that will be another fun fiasco to deal with...

Friday, December 21, 2007

Professional Model aka Take THAT Huiras

Well, I just got back from my photo shoot at Lifetime and I suppose that makes me a professional model, since I got paid and all.

Overall, it was a great experience. I got there and they put me into the "personal trainer" duds, complete with shirt, jacket and women's medium pants, since the men's medium were too big and there were no men's small.

Then, I got to head on down to make-up, where they covered my gross cuts I get from shaving since I am less than careful when I shave.

I then met the other guy I was modeling with. His name was Wade and he's from Plymouth. He was supposed to be the "client" to my "personal trainer" for the shoot. Wade had done professional modeling in Houston and now he's living up here.

Then, I met the photographer, David Ellis. He said they were going to shoot it documentary style, which meant we just had to sit there and talk, laugh, gesture and they'd just shoot it. So, they sat us down in the LifeCafe (the food court in Lifetime) and just started shooting. They shot three different poses of us (and in one of the poses, my back is to the camera, so they'll probably pick that one...at least my odd shaped head will be noticable) and we were done in about 20 minutes.

The art director came over and said we did a great job. Then, we were background players in another shoot and that one took a bit longer.

They wanted me to come back next Thursday for another shoot, but I told them I was unfortunately going to be out of town, so I couldn't attend. However, I told them to give me a call if they have a need for someone like me in future shoots (how slick am I?).

Overall, I had a great time. We were there only 3 hours and got paid quite a bit for that time. I'd wanted to (obviously) do something like this quite awhile, so it was great to actually have a chance to be on a professional photo shoot. I hope the pictures make it out into a campaign, and if they do, I'll be sure to post them here.

Hopefully, there will be more shoots in the future...

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Dicronkulous...

So, I'm looking at the site that linked itself off my webpage through the fabulous ad program and I come across the following ad:














- Notice the price! ($99.99)
- Notice the button! (metal!)
- Notice the saying! (I just want my wife and my girlfriend to get along)
- Notice how many of the flippin' things you have to buy!! (100!!)
- Notice in the close-up below they show what the button would look like it it were on a lapel (had you purchased a blank button...like we don't know what a firkin' button on a shirt looks like)

Is this a joke? I can't even think of a place I would need one of these (not to mention any other buttons, which, let's face it, are basically body bumper stickers and we know the kind of hillbillies that rock bumper stickers) let alone 100! I mean, it's not funny, it's annoying, took 3 nanoseconds of thought to come up with and there are 100 of them!!!! You can be giving this "gag" gift away until someone mercifully "gags" you with an chloroform-infused towel and puts your hilarity out of its misery.


I can only assume that this place has never sold anything. Ever. Not once. Not ever. And if they have, here's a new button I just made that will probably sell just as well as the one above:

About time...

As most of you know, years ago, I moved to L.A. to try to be a model/actor. And, as many of you know, besides "discovering" Village Pizzeria, hanging out nightly with James and delivering salmon and broccoli to Jon Lovitz, it was not a very successful venture.

But now, in good old Minneapolis, I have been contacted by Lifetime Fitness to be a model in their upcoming ad campaign. What kind of model, you ask? Well...I don't have the details, and I could totally mess up the shoot so the pictures end up looking like the Bing/Gellar engagement photos and are unusable. It might also be a group shot of a million people, taken by GoogleEarth and you might not be able to tell it's besides my signature hairstyle. OK, I lied, I have no signature hairstyle.

But the shoot is real (I believe), and it's happening Friday before Jonathan and Adriann's wedding. So, eventually I'll let everyone know how it went. Double crosses people!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Not the brightest bulb...

This is a conversation I had today with someone I'll call Justin P. No, wait...that's too obvious. He'll be J. Petredis. No...wait....how about Subject A? Yes...that's the ticket...

Subject A: I hope TO goes nuts soon
Brent: You mean MORE nuts?
Brent: hahahahahaha
Brent: ZING!
Brent: BAM!
Brent: THAT'S THE STUFF!!!
Subject A: That made me sad.
Brent: BOYIE!!!
Subject A: I think you should do stand up comedy.
Brent: Already do.
Brent: It's one YouTube.
Subject A: Ae you joking?
Brent: Nope...do a search for Brent Nelson Stand-Up Acme Minneapolis.
Brent: Should be the first one.
Subject A: Really?
Brent: Yep.
Brent: Just a one time thing to see how it went.
Brent: It did not go well.
Subject A: Oh.
Subject A: I will watch.
Subject A: That would be tough.
Subject A: To do stand up.
Brent: Prepare to laugh!!
Subject A: I will let you know my review.
(five minutes pass)
Subject A: I hate you.
Subject A: Why do you mess with me like that?
Subject A: I am very sensitive.
Brent: For hilarity.
Brent: Couldn't find it?
Subject A: No.
Subject A: But well played.
Subject A: I didn't believe you at first...
Subject A: but when you said it didn't go well
Subject A: and
Subject A: prepare to laugh...
Subject A: I was sold.

Normally, I couldn't fool my mother on the foolingest day of my life even if I had an electrified fooling machine! Luckily, I've ran into the most gullible person since Akash...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Rhode Island??

So, Alison and I are watching old episodes of 48 Hours Mystery since the writers' strike is having an adverse effect on decent television to watch (I can only hope that the writers on The Hills can keep it up and they force Spencer to continue to rock it out with his flesh-colored beard).

Anyway, obviously, someone has reached an untimely demise, because that's the point of 48 Hours Mystery. So, this cop is trying to figure out the identity of "Castro Valley's Jane Doe". Castro valley is in California, by the way. (Go geography!!)

And they're interviewing him, and he says the following:

"She could be from anywhere. She could be from Louisiana. She could be from Rhode Island. She..."

Rhode Island? How in the butt do you think that one up? If I were thinking of states that someone could be from, Rhode Island doesn't even appear on the list before Denial (The state of denial...get it...it's clever...take that Cleaver), which is the state this d-bag is living in if he thinks anyone who's watching this (me, Alison, his mom) thinks he's clever at all...

Anyway, here's the end of what would be my personal state list:

54. Denial
55. Perpetual Bliss
56. Oregon
57. Hamburger University
58. Pohnpei
59. Anarchy
60. Rhode Island

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Stocking Stuffer?

OK, so I'm at the local Holiday Stationstore (yes...it's all one word...I have the receipt right here), pumping some gasoline into the old ride. I'm out there, shivering my buns off, when I see the advertisement on the pump for what's in the store.

At the top, it says "Holiday Stores Stocking Stuffers" and then it lists three items, each more ridiculous than the previous.

1. M&M's : I know what you're thinking; you wouldn't mind coming downstairs on Christmas morning and finding that the fat man left you some chocolate instead of stealing your goodies. And you'd be right. This is the "Terminator" of their stocking stuffer gifts.

2. Pringles : Really? Pringles? Well...I guess I can see it if you really like chips. I mean, Pringles are pretty decent chips, if, you know, I hadn't choked on one when I was little. But still...I can think of about a million things (like this) I'd rather have in my stocking than Pringles. I suppose this is the "Last Action Hero" of their gifts.

3. Red Baron Pizza : Oh, come on! This can't be for real. Frozen pizza? Who in the butt has an Igloo-brand stocking to keep the pizza cold? And seriously, unless your stocking comes in "John Goodman Size", you're not fitting a cruppin' pizza box in there! This...this right here...is the "Batman & Robin" of their ideas.

Who are these people? Seriously! Where are they getting their ideas? Has this ever caused anyone to go..."You know what...Johnny does like pizza; maybe I should put some in his stocking?"

While you're at it, you might as well get him a lifetime supply of zoloft, because little Johnny is going to be pretty depressed when he realizes his parents are morons...

They're back!!


Now, don't everyone go sending her e-mails; this is my money...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Craaaaaapppppp

So, in June, some guy rear ended me. I decided to not go through insurance, because I'm a nice guy/moron and I figured he'd end up paying me. Well...he has been paying me...slowly. It's now December and he still owes about $200. Here was the last conversation I had with him:

Nate: Sorry it's taken me a bit of time to get the money.
Brent: (seething) Oh...not a problem at all. I don't even really like money.
Nate: Yeah, it's been rough. I lost my job a few weeks ago.
Brent: (craaaaaaapppppppp)
Brent: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nate: Yeah, it's okay though, I just got another job.
Brent: Oh, that's good to hear.
Nate: Yeah, I went into business for myself.
Brent: (CRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!)

And apparently the business hasn't been all that successful, since I haven't seen any money since then and his phone is now disconnected. Welp...as always...I'm a moron...

Monday, December 10, 2007

Robin Hood?

Now, I may be off on this. I'm not a scholar...as we all know. But I do read quite a bit. Sure, I don't read about much history, but I have seen numerous Robin Hood movies, such as:

Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
That Disney one with the animals
Titanic
(think about it)
The Adventures of Robin Hood (I never saw this one but it's on http://www.imdb.com/.com/m/, so I assume it exists)

And in all my viewings, never, NOT ONCE, did they intimate that Robin Hood was a cross-dresser. Then I find this (picture to the right)

A coloring contest for kids where Robin(a) Hood is wearing a dress and displaying, if I do say so myself, ample bosom.

So, really, what the crap coloring contest? Do you have some knowledge that we don't or is this all in your mind? Society has the right to know!

By the by...I am sooooo winning that contest.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Earth Boy to the rescue!!!

Justin: You threw Toyota Prius in the mix with Geo Metro and Ford Festivus?
Brent: Yep.
Brent: My little knock on the crap that is the Prius.
Justin: The hybrid that gets over 50 mpg?
Brent: Yeah, what's your point?
Justin: Don't you want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem?
Brent: Get a life Earth Boy...

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

More Stupid Advertising....

So, a couple nights ago, my dad and I were at the T-Wolves game, watching Sebastian Telfair turn the ball over about 800 times.

After the shellacking, we were leaving the game and passing all the stands in the concourse. We walked by the Lemon Chill stand and on the front, their slogan was...

DeLEMONicious!!!

Are you kidding me?
That's what you came up with for your slogan?
What...did you have have a team of monkeys working 3 nanoseconds on that one?
Was FanLEMONtastic already taken?
Was just putting LEMON too easy?
Did everyone just decide they didn't care anymore?

I need to know how they came up with this slogan, so Johnny Q. Monkey over at the Lemon Chill company, please send me an electronic mail and let me know who the adwizards were who came up with that one...

Stupid Gas Station!!!

So, I'm sitting at the pump at the gas station, freezing me bum (yeah...I went quasi-British on you) off, filling up the Audi with some premium grade gasoline. I'm looking around, minding my own business, when I hear some wheels spinning.

I look over to where the noise is and I see a white Geo Metro (or Ford Festivus or Toyota Prius..you know...some FacePoop car that no one wants to be caught dead in) struggling to get up the unplowed hill of the gas station.

Then, the guy (who was in the passenger seat...which meant his girlfriend/wife/sister was driving) gets out and heads to the back of the car to start pushing it up the hill. The wheels are spinning and the car jumped forward. The guy fell face first into the snow.

He get up, and looks towards the gas station store (which is, obviously, not wide open) and waves his arms while screaming:

"PLOW YOUR F$&%ING STORE!!!"

Then, he walked up to where the crap car he was riding in was parked and proceeded to use the free air to fill the tires and leave.

Yeah dude...that's what the gas station really cares about...the D-Bag who comes in all pissed about the conditions and is only there for the free air. He probably also gets upset when he stops by the gas station to wash his windshield and there isn't a squeegee there. I hate people...

Monday, December 03, 2007

Timeshare Tomfoolery...aka Paradise Village Hell

So, Alison and I just got back from our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta. It was a great time, but I'm sure you don't want to hear about that. No, you want the funny.

Anyway, when you get through customs, there is a huge timeshare gauntlet that you have to navigate. But they don't let you know it's a timeshare gauntlet. So, we go through there and some guy goes "You with Expedia?" And we said yes, so he sent us to this overstuffed Mexican lady.

And she starts yippin' and yappin'. And we're tired. We just want to go to our hotel. And she keeps offering us stuff. And offering. Finally, somehow (I might have fallen asleep), I was giving her a $50 deposit to go on a timeshare tour the next day. Crag!!

Fast forward to the next morning...

We get up and take the 50 minute taxi ride to this place. Nice place. I mean...looked nice. Paradise Village is actually hell...you know...if hell looks nice.

So, they sign us up and say it will be 90 minutes. So, this French Canuck Lady (FCL) starts taking us around. Takes us to the glorious buffet (a tray of cold eggs, stale muffin stumps and OJ). While there, a "waiter" took our OJ order...and brought us the OJ.

Then, we get up to go on the tour. FCL says "They don't pay very well here, so can you leave the waiter a tip?" Tip? You're trying to convince us to buy and you want us to leave money? You can't afford the buck? I bet she took it while we weren't looking.

Anyhoo, she brought us around the grounds and answered our questions. Alison mentioned that she didn't like swimming in the ocean because there might be sharks. FCL said that there are no sharks in the bay. I don't know how they keep them out of the bay, or it's just a sensory thing. Or, oh yeah, she'd say the earth is flat if it would help you buy a timeshare.

So, FCL finished showing us the grounds and finally brought us back to the "closer" (who was scarier looking than Kyra Sedgwick...you know...if that were possible) who was going to go over our options with us.

Now, obviously, I'm not interested in the place. And I guess I was acting bored (though it wasn't much of an act) and the following occurred:

Scary Kyra Sedgwick (SKS): And, as you can see by this snazzy graph, in thirty years, it's going to cost you 179,999 for a two week hotel stay.
Brent: Umm...if that were true, and we know it's not, wouldn't salaries have kept up with inflation to make it a moot point?
SKS: Listen...I'm just trying to do my job, so the least you can do is sit there and give me some respect. It's like when Alison here is teaching her class, she should have their respect and it should be the same way here.
Brent: (sits and contemplates going bitchcakes on her)
SKS: Wow...you look like you want to punch me.
Alison: (puts her hand on my arm to calm me down)
SKS: You really look like you want to punch me. But let me go over some more options we can do for you...

And, at that point, all we wanted to do was leave Hel...er, I mean Paradise Village...the funnest place on the earth!!

Sidenote: Of course they gave us our deposit back, we turned down the free tour gifts we were offered and the final football to the groin was they didn't give us enough cab fare to get back to our hotel, so we had to pay out of pocket for it....

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A dud undercover...

Alas, after taking my inspiration from Tyra Banks, my undercover work ended just like hers: short and poignantly unsubstantial.

I only made it with the 'Stache through about 5 hours; basically until Alison got home from work. When she got home, our conversation went something like this:

Alison: What are you wearing on your face?
Brent: smiles politely
Alison: You look like a porn star.
Brent: beams uncontrollably
Alison: A gay porn star.
Brent: beam fades to a look of forlorn defeat
Alison: And that mustache looks ridiculous too!
Brent: Frack!!

And with that, my experiment was over. I still don't know what it's like to really live with a mustache, all I know is that I don't want to live with a mustache in our house...

Monday, November 19, 2007

Undercover...

Taking my inspiration from Tyra Banks, I have decided to go undercover for the next few days. As many of you know (or at least I hope many of you know) Tyra likes to go undercover to reveal the true way that people are discriminated against.

To the left,you can see that I have attached a picture of Tyra, pretending to be homeless. She went out on the streets for 4 whole hours, just to see what it was like when people were not catering to her every modelistic desire.

I think she taught us all a very big lesson in that episode. But not nearly as big as the lesson she taught us in the episode where she put on a fat suit (not to be confused with the episode where People magazine actually called her fat).

As you can see from the picture on the right, Tyra went undercover to see what it was like to be someone fatter then herself. And, in only the way Tyra can, she showed us, and her studio audience, a whole different world, as she took 8 hours getting into the suit and 4 hours actually walking around in the suit.

So, I had to come up with something just as hard-hitting as Tyra came up with. But what could it be? What form of discrimination is still out there that we need to tackle? C. Thomas Howell has already explored racism in Soul Man. Tyra has tackled obesity and homelessness. The only thing left that I can think of is...to grow a mustache!

That's right. As pathetic as it is (see the picture) I have decided to grow a mustache and see how differently people treat me. While I don't expect to get egged or anything like that, I'm sure I will garner some looks and that might not be altogether pleasant. I only hope my undercover work is half as good as Tyra's!!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Trolling Craigslist...

So, there's a wedding shower going on at my house, which means I'm not allowed to be there. Which means I've gone to my parents house and started trolling Craigslist, looking for inspiration on something to write about. And, as always, Craigslist has not disappointed.

I went to the free section of Minneapolis, because people tend to put the strangest things in the free section. Today, I've found two...
--------------------------------------------------------
Bra (St.Paul)
I have 6 gently used Bras size 36C. Non Smoking home.

Take all or some. Call 612 325 4323 -Nicole
--------------------------------------------------------
Mattress 52" x 70" x ~6"
Not quite a full I guess, can't remember what it's off of originally - maybe a sleeper sofa? It has springs in it.

Against house, take - 913 Mound Street, St. Paul, MN 55106 at the corner of Burns & Mound Street, on the Burns Avenue side.
--------------------------------------------------------

OK, now on the first one, I admit, first off, that I have no idea how much a bra costs. But I know they sell them at Target, so I would assume you could get a pretty good deal on them. And, if you get a good deal on them, you probably don't need someone's "gently" used bra.

Gently used? I figure there's only one was to use a bra. I mean...I'm at a loss for words. What is the difference between gentle and heavy use? I don't know.

Whatever. This ad reminds me of the time I was at Goodwill and I saw a used pair of tighty-whities clipped inside one of those wooden pants hangars. I said it then and I'll say it now...if you have to resort to used undergarments, you may want to re-evaluate where your life is headed.

And on the second item. Nothing wrong with a used mattress. In fact, we still have an old mattress that used to be my parents (I know...gross...get over it). My favorite part is that it's sitting outside, in the snow, getting old and moldy, and someone would go and take it? And then use it? Disgusting.

Then again, I remember reading in the Rock's book that he was so poor when he was playing football in Canada that they used to go dumpster diving for old, used mattresses in the alley behind a hotel with hourly rates. And you know what's probably on those...spittle...oatmeal...sem...er, perhaps I've gone too far.

So, on second thought...maybe that second ad isn't as bad as I thought initially. Come to think of it...Alison and I could probably use a new mattress...

Friday, November 16, 2007

Linens 'N Things coupons...

Now, if you've ever shopped at Linens 'N Things, you probably know that they have 20% coupons in their ads every week. And you probably know that on the coupon, it says it is good for 20% off of one item.

So, we collected up a large sum of coupons (re: 2) and took them to Linens 'N Things to collect our savings rewards.

Alison and I each got an item (she got a candle...I got a bathmat...because it was cute and perfect for the decor for the master bath...or I'm Alison's pawn and I do whatever she wants...I forget which it is) and took them up to the register.

We stood in different lines as I assumed you could only use one coupon per transaction. Apparently, I was wrong. Here's how my experience went with the Linens 'N Things Clerk Lady (LNTCL)...

Brent: (sets his bathmat and 20% off coupon on the counter)
LNTCL: (looks at the bathmat, then at Brent, then over at Alison, then back at the bathmat)
Brent: (grins like an idiot)
LNTCL: This going to be it for you?
Brent: Yep...that'll do'er.
LNTCL: You know you can use more than one coupon per transaction, right?
Brent: (shoots the wink and the gun)
Brent: I did not know that. That's a hot tip my friend.
LNTCL: (sighs)
Brent: And a good day to you too!!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

My new goal...

Now, we all I know I can consume copious amounts of food in a short amount of time. I don't think anyone who knows me would argue with that.

And, until now, that skill has served no real purpose, except to annoy dinner companions (and by dinner companions, I mean Alison and/or my parents, since no one else really goes out to eat with me) as I inhale my meal while they've taken about 3 bites.

But today, I found a purpose. Now, since I apparently don't have my ear on the pulse of society, I might be a bit late to the party on this one, (Or 47 years late, according to the webisite....but who's to say what a bit is?) but the BIG TEXAN STEAK RANCH offers a 72 oz. steak (that's 4.5 pounds of beef fellas) that is free if you can finish it in one hour.

Understandably, I have never tried such a feat, as I didn't know it existed. But I have eaten over 45 ounces of steak in a single sitting, which I judged to be about 25 minutes. And I also had bread and fries at that time, and was not what I would consider to be adequately full. So, I'm sure it can be done and it would be an accomplishment that would shock the world!!!

Sure, an 11 year old boy has done it, as has a 69 year old grandma. But that doesn't matter to me. Sometime, I am going to Amarillo, TX and eating free for a week.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

New Movie to see...

OK, I just read the plot outline for the movie "White Pants."

Plot Outline: A baseball player gets stuck in the outfield with a sudden attack of diarrhea.

I guess we got a new-new phrase:

"The outfield has been pooped in."

I wonder if the star used to be a prosecutor in Tampa??

Colonizing Mars

So, it turns out that one of the guys who helped make Paypal a success is now heading up a company that is trying to colonize Mars.

I think we've all thought about living on Mars. Me? I think about it about every 10 minutes, in between trying to figure out how to sign my next recruit for my Sim college and firguring out if I can eat a whole banana cake in one sitting without dying (I can't).

But, what would you do on Mars? Is it going to just be like Earth II, or will there be exciting new things introduced there? Because, if it's just Earth II, I really don't want to go. I know, I know Johnny Paypal; I'm not your target audience. I don't have "money". I don't have "fame". I "have a foul and unpleasant odor".

But that doesn't change the fact that I have an opinion and if you want to actually get people to go to your stupid Red planet, you need to have the following:

- The biggest slide in the universe
- A wave pool made of Koalas (we all know that there is no water on Mars and you have to liquify Koalas for sustenance...we just don't want to talk about it)
- Hoverboards (unless the skateboard lobby in D.C. get to you too)
- Unicorns riding midgets (mythical...I know)

I think if you have all 4 of those, more people are going to follow you. So, why don't you take your billions and start it up and maybe I'll join you in 972 years (as another one of the Paypal founders is heavily invested in a "scientist" who think humans can live to 1,000).

It must be sweet being super rich so you can be super eccentric...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Dollar Store Dilemma...

So, I'm in Crystal, MN the other day, going to Little Caesar's, praying not to get mugged, when I made an amazing discovery.

In the ghettotastic outdoor mall that houses the Little Caesar's, they have, not one, but two dollar stores.

Now, I know what you're thinking; anyone who goes to the dollar store is probably so lazy that they won't walk all the way across the parking lot to go to a different dollar store, so it makes sense, economically, for there to be two there.

BUT WAIT!!! What I have devilishly hidden from you is the fact that these two dollar stores, which have to compete with each other for business, are right next to each other!!! They share a wall!!!

This would be like putting two Starbucks next to each ot...bad example.

But think about it. Why would someone see a dollar store and decide to compete with it right next door? Why not put it across the street? Is there enough business to support two dollar stores right next to each other? Are dollar stores the wave of the future?

And if this place is, in fact, a dollar store utopia, wouldn't some smart fella come there and start a 99 cent store on the other side? Am I the only one who sees the potential in that? I feel like the frickin' Larry Flynt of Minnesota!

Wait...I mean Stephen Hawking. I always get them confused. Why didn't I just use the backspace and get rid of all of this you ask? Why indeed...

The morals (yes, there are more than one) of this story are:

A) No outdoor mall can support two dollar stores,
2) If, somehow, the stars are aligned and it can, in fact, support two dollar stores, someone needs to start a 99 cent store there. There should be no compromise on that.
D) Everyone is now dumber for having read this. I am awarded no points, and may God have mercy on my soul.

Dag...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Sayonara Sports Guy...

This is an open letter to The Sports Guy

Dear Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons,

Well, it's a very sad day in the Dragon household. After the ups and downs of readership over the last 6 years, I am officially leaving the readership ranks of ESPN Page 2 The Sports Guy.

I've enjoyed you a ton over the years. I've tried to be your intern. I've accused you of stealing from me, but was actually happy that something I used made it into the column. I've tried to get numerous people started on you. And now...it's over.

The final straw was your current column. I've been growing weary of your constant complaining about Boston sports over the past couple years. I mean, they're winning, enjoy it. Now, you write a whole column about the Pats victory over the Colts, complaining?

Ugh. Seriously. It seems like you hasn't written a column about something besides the Red Sox, Patriots or Celtics in over a year. And I can't deal with those columns. Even your mailbags, where you used to shine, have become a cornucopia of Boston related crap.

So, I'm sorry to say Mr. Simmons, you've pooped in the hallway. It's been fun and I wish you the best, alas my journey ends today.

Brent Nelson

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

New saying...

OK, I'm trying to work on a new saying. Now, this new saying won't be for everyone. Heck, it won't be for most people. But, there are some who will cherish it. And it's for you people that I write this.

Do you feel that the saying "The line has been crossed" has become overused and pretty much lost all meaning? I mean, what is this line? Where is it? Is it real? Or is it just a figment of someone's warped imagination, like midgets and unicorns? I find myself asking that whenever I say that phrase, and I say it a lot.

But now I don't have to. After being let in on a little story by Trete about the goings-ons recently in his office, I've decided to officially make the following replacement:

Anytime you want to say:

"The line has been crossed."

You are now free to say:

"The hall has been pooped in."

Now, since, as you can imagine, a full-grown dude (not one of those imaginary midgets) literally pooped in the hallway of his office building. I can't imagine any scenario where that's not crossing a line, whether the line is real or made-up.

So, now that we have a definition of our new saying, please go forth and spew this new line anytime anyone does something that has gone too far. You have my blessing...

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Embers Memories...

While trolling the internet and talking to Petredis today, he mentioned that his hatred of Papelbon is so high, he would like to see him working in a Waffle House after a botched Tommy John surgery. I thought that was a little harsh, and said Embers would be much better.

Alas, Petredis did not know what Embers was. So...I did a little searching and came to this site (right at our very own Blogspot!!) http://embersremembers.blogspot.com/

Read them...they are hilarious...alas, they are not accepting posts anymore. So, I will relate my own true Embers experience to you:
--------------------------------------------
We went to Embers for their "famous" $1.99 steak and eggs special. Apparently, that commercial was 10 years old, because inflation had changed the amount to $4.99.

Swat that, I thought. I went ahead and ordered a double hamburger meal.

Well...my meal came. A nice, single patty on a bun, along with some fries.

I brought our waitress, Ardell, over to assess the situation.

Brent: Um, I ordered a double hamburger.
Ardell (checks her notepad and says nothing)
Brent: Ummm...double?
Ardell (stares at the burger)
Brent (looks around to see if anyone's head is blowing up like in Scanners)
Ardell: Well...that burger is pretty big.
Brent: Huh?
Ardell: It's a pretty big burger. It counts as a double.
Brent (stares at Ardell): What??
Ardell: Yeah, since it's so big, it counts as a double burger.
Brent (dumbfounded): Um...the menu didn't advertise a "pretty big burger". It called it a "double burger".
Ardell (walks away)

Then, 10 minutes later, as I finished up my "pretty big burger", Ardell came out with another patty, on a plate, with no bun...to finish off my "double burger".

Needless to say, everytime I drive by that Embers (which is now closed, possibly due to crap service), a little piece of my heart stabs Ardell in the face...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

STOP IN TODAY!!!

Ahhh...more from the world of marketing/advertising. I still don't get it. I never will. I never, ever, schmever (made that word up) will. I must have been born without the marketing gene. Wait...I mean the moron gene. Sorry marketing professionals...

What in the world am I talking about? Why do I always rip on Marketing? Why do I have an unhealthy obsession with Bea Arthur? Allow me to explain...

I was driving by the Verizon store today, minding my own business. Then, I noticed a huge sign out front that said

STOP IN TODAY!!!

Stop in today? Are you kidding me? Does that really work? Will anyone be driving along, thinking, 'man, I should go to the verizon store tomorr...what the? Wait...they said I can stop in today. You know what? I should stop in today!!'

It's not as if they said:

BUY ONE PHONE, GET ONE FREE. TODAY ONLY!

or

PLEASE STOP IN TODAY OR WE'RE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS

but there is no way that someone putting the time and money into a sign that lets you know you are free to stop in today, as opposed to most days when you are not allowed in, is ever a good idea. It's like the Death Row Christmas album; no one wants to hear Snoop rapping about Christmas.

And that's why many marketing people astound me...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Or Al Gore is full of sh...

Dang it! After society gave Al Gore the Nobel Peace Prize for his fabled Pirate Research, FOX News and Yahoo! News both publish stories (albeit the same story, since it's an AP story) about the RISE of pirate attacks!! You can check it out here.

Now, this leads us to a very heart wrenching question; do we have to take back Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize for misleading us and telling us that GLOBAL WARMING was killing off all the pirates? I submit we do. How can you give a guy an award when everything he's done is a blatant lie. If you're going to let him keep it, you might as well let Milli or Vanilli (whichever one didn't kill themself) keep their Grammy. I mean, this is a pretty big issue.

Now, I think Al Gore did this to make everyone disagree with GLOBAL WARMING. If everyone knew that GLOBAL WARMING increased the amount of pirates in the world, I think more people would be for GLOBAL WARMING then currently are (as a sidenote, I believe 7% of the population is pro-GLOBAL WARMING and only 3% of the population do not like ice cream, but that's neither here nor there) and Al Gore just couldn't take that.

So, Al. That invitation to come over and have egg nog has been rescinded. You sir, are not welcome in Minnesota and if I see you on my street, there is the very real possibility you'll be wearing your nog. You disgust me. Hoo-rah for Pirates!!

thank you to my dad and eric for pointing out this story and making me see that Al Gore is the ruthless bastard I originally thought he was

Saturday, October 13, 2007

RBC Tile...

Alison and I had a new backsplash put up behind the sink and we bought the tile at a little outfit called RBC Tile. Well...we bought a little too much and I wanted to return the extra tile (which was all still in the full box they had given me). This is the conversation that transpired with their customer service department:

RBC: Hi, RBC Tile How can I help you?
BRENT: Hi. I bought some tile from you a couple weeks ago and we didn't end up using it all. I still have a ful box and was wondering if I can return it for a refund.
RBC: Did you buy it retail?
BRENT (confused): Umm...yes?
RBC: Then no. Sorry.
BRENT: Huh?
RBC: What you can do, instead of throwing it away, is bring it down to us and we can use it as samples to give out to people.
BRENT: So...what you're saying is, you can't give me any money back to use the product. But you are willing to take it back for free to use it? What if I threw in a Jackson? Would that make you happier when you took it back?
RBC (confused): Um...no sir. We'll definitely take it back for free. You don't need to give us any additional money to take it

---CLICK---

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Al Gore WAS right?!?!?!?

Now, I hate to admit it. I've made fun of Al Gore as much as the next guy. Perhaps even more. Calling him Stumpy, Pigg-o, El Stupid VP, The Son of Sloth and Pedro. But no more. I'm actually issuing an official Brent Nelson-approved apology to Mr. Al Gore and when he comes to Minnesota next time, I'm offering an open invitation (right here...in writing!!) to come to my house and drink a bottle of egg nog with me (assuming nog is in season).

Now, you may be asking, what made such an about face, Brent? Aren't you the guy who hated Al Gore more than almost anything? Didn't you once compare him to Face Poop? Well...no actually. But I never liked him, and he always made such a big deal about GLOBAL WARMING (it goes in caps...for emphasis) which I thought was a farce. But check out the following graph, and you'll see just how real GLOBAL WARMING is:

As you can see, the population of Pirates is dwindling...in direct correlation to the planet getting warmer!!

You see people...this is where GLOBAL WARMING kicks us in the butt! No ozone? So what? No Jolly Roger? Frick that! We need pirates!

Who else is going to pillage and plunder? Who else will strike fear in the heart of Vikings? Who else will make people walk the plank? Crup...I mean, who else even has a plank?

So...people...we need to band together. Strike out as one. Take back the night. Sit in for peace. And, in case you didn't know...all of those are ways to stop GLOBAL WARMING and bring back the Pirates. Remember...your kids have to live hear when you're gone. Do you really want them to live without Pirate's? I sure as hell don't...

thank you to Josh Ryan for bringing this to my attention. Next time, perhaps we will have a graph that shows how a rock can keep bears away.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

You know it!!!

So, I opened the paper today, and this coupon to the left was sticky-taped to the front page. Heck yeah! Nineteen cent bread! Whoot, whoot! Holler at a player. That's what I'm talking about!!

Are you friggin' kidding me? Is this some joke? Did Marketing Tom put this through on a bet? I need to know. This can't be something that the CEO of Rainbow knows about. I refuse to believe that an intelligent person would approve this ad. I have to believe that the Rainbow marketing department is a collection of slightly slow albino koalas, otherwise my life doesn't make sense anymore.

Seriously though, if you're putting a coupon on the front page, shouldn't, at minimum, the following apply:

A) It's something that people will actually want.
2) It saves someone a significant amount of money.
D) It will entice people into the store instead of enticing people to make sarcastic blog posts at the store's expense.

Really...couldn't they have led with a coupon that saves you more than eighty cents? Is that too much to ask? But, I'm probably wrong and Billy Bob and Maria Gene saw the ad, hopped in the VW Bug Van and hightailed it to Rainbow, lest they miss this extraordinary one day sale!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

In the mirror...

As you can see by the letter to the left, I was available to be taken in the 1998 NBA draft.

Oh, the GM's laughed at me then! Oh how they laughed! They giggled and chortled and tee-heed and tittered. They cackled and snickered and twittered and sniggered.

When they were finally through they offered a myriad of excuses on why they couldn't draft me:

-----------------------------------------------------
- "You're too short."
- "You're too white."
- "You have no discernable basketball skills and as far as we can tell, the only time you played organized basketball after 8th grade was intra-murals during senior year of high school and you even came off the bench for that."
- "You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. I loathe you."
-----------------------------------------------------
And so on and so forth, each attack getting more personal, until I felt like going all bitchcakes on them. But I held myself back. These could be my future employers, I thought.
Alas, after waiting by the phone in anticipation of getting that call that I'd been drafted (I was not invited to Madison Square Garden, just like Korleone Young shouldn't have been), I finally realized it wasn't going to happen. Maybe the GM's were right? Maybe my odor was foul and unpleasant!
But, what they didn't know is that I would have signed for any amount of money. Not the multi-millions the others in the first round got. So, you think the GM's that drafted the following people might owe me (and their friggin' fans) an apology? I think so!!
1ST ROUNDERS IN THE 1998 DRAFT WHO WERE WORSE PICKS THAN BRENT NELSON

And don't even flippin' get me started on Round 2!!!!



Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Damn you AGAIN Bill Simmons!!

From the September 24th issue of ESPN the Magazine, originally published on September 19th on ESPN Page 2 :

"...Networks pull the plug so quickly these days, you can be burned by getting hooked on something no one else is watching. Ask my wife, who's still complaining about never having learned the identity of the murderer on FOX's Reunion."

See...I wasn't the only one. The Sports Gal has my back too!

But, I got to thinking about it more, and FOX is the only station that consistently pulls its shows, and doesn't mention it anywhere. Sure, NBC pulled Kidnapped and CBS (or ABC, I forget which one) pulled Black Groundhog Day aka Daybreak. But let's examine the track record of FOX

SHOWS I WATCHED THAT CRAPPY FOX PULLED
  • Skin (2003) - Cancelled after 3 episodes
  • Reunion (2005) - Cancelled after 9 episodes
  • Killer Instinct (2005) - Cancelled after 10 episodes
  • Vanished (2006) - Cancelled after 13 episodes
  • Justice (2006) - Cancelled after 12 episodes

So, what we're looking at here is that FOX cancels about 1 show I like before the conclusion, per season. Which show are they going to F me over with this year? I suppose we'll find out...

Monday, September 17, 2007

FOX Season Premiere Monday!!!

You remember back when FOX first started out, and it was like the CW is now? All they had was the Tracey Ullman show, 13 hours of Married with Children a day, and 4 hours of static? Now, it always starts the fall season before the other networks, just to stick it to them. Do I have a point? Besides that damn bump on my head, no. I just thought I'd point it out. Regardless FOX, if you F with my emotions again this year (you know what you've done so far), I'm going to be more pissed than Hootie at a Johnnie and the Blowfish concert. (WHOA!!!)

So...anyhoo, here's what we got rollin' tonight...

7 PM - Prison Break - Yes...it's back. The last episode last year confused me (much like my Johnnie and the Blowfish joke confused you). Where was he going and what was that room? I assume I'm going to find out about 7:30 tonight, when I start watching it (silently says praise to the TiVo God)

8 PM - K Ville - The reviews have been good. It looks good. Is it this season's Vanished and/or Reunion? Probably. So, enjoy those first 5 episodes. (No...I'm not bitter at all. Who was the damn killer in Reunion? Can't they put out a DVD with the unaired shows? Is that too much to ask?)

9 PM - Your Evening News - No, this isn't a show, but a little message to FOX; if you're going to play with the big boys, give us a full night of shows. If people want news, they can call Larry King...I'm sure he's available. Maybe you can add another show every night; that will give you move shows to cancel and alienate more fans (okay...perhaps I'm still a wee bit bitter)

ENJOY!!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I friggin' LOVE fall!

OK, there are tons of reasons to love fall. I'm going to name the Top 10 right now, in order from best to less best (take that Letterman! You 7th rate drone...):
  1. I'm getting married to the most beautiful girl in the world!
  2. It gets to be sweater and jeans weather, and I look like a homeless man's Polo model in a sweater and jeans
  3. I can leave the windows of the house open and not break into a sweat (though all of us can't say that)
  4. The friggin' new fall season. I'll say later this week what shows I'm excited for.
  5. Fantasy football is back! (though sim sports has become my new addiction)
  6. Vikings. Now we watch as Childress proves America wrong. It's the feel good story of the year that doesn't involve Michael Vick getting some unpleasantness in prison (I think you all know what I mean).
  7. The Huskers are back and I'm going to a game. And the slim National Title hopes rest in Lincoln this week. Ask me what I think about those chances about 8 pm central time this Saturday.
  8. My birthday, though I prefer to treat it like any other day where I go to eat at the Timber Lodge.
  9. Halloween and the group of trick-or-treaters that never come to my door. I might be in for a surprise this year, because it seems like the lonely skateboard kid in the neighborhood has befriended the Russian kids that don't speak English. We could be looking at a new feel-good story!
  10. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I've already started preparing to eat myself into a food-coma, which is just as good as it sounds!

Monday, September 10, 2007

You've won this round Peter King...

Yes, you may have won the first round, but lets see what asinine picks you make next week (or perhaps yo're he genius and I'm the one who knows nothing. I've been told that before...)

Thursday, September 06, 2007

How to Lose Your Fantasy League...by Peter King

Ahhh yes! Peter King is back at it again! The famed MMQB guru is giving out horrible fantasy advice, under the guise or good advice. This killed me last year and kills me again. Here is the link to his article this week:

Peter King's 10 Fantasy Leagues (To Lose Week 1)

My favorite "advice" he has is the following:

2. Bench LJ for Marshawn Lynch

Yep...that's how you win leagues, set your #1 pick down for a 5th or 6th rounder. Perhaps you should bench Manning too and start Romo instead (but why would you ever have those two on the same team?)

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Mmmmm...Arby's Breakfast....

So, I'm driving by Arby's yesterday and they are big into advertising their hours. Not as big as Ralph Harris is at sucking at stand-up comedy, but big none the less. Picture Roseanne. About that big. Give or take a waffle.

But, more to the point, their opening hours are highlighted on the window in that fluorescent paint like substance that we all hate. But here are their hours:

Weekdays: Open at 6am
Saturday: Open at 7am
Sunday: Open at 8am

Now, I don't have a problem with that. I'm sure there are people in the world that need a Big Beef 'N Cheddar at 6 in the morning. And, if the Rubes are buyin', someone ought to be sellin'.

What gets me is the Sunday hours. Who in the world is going to have all of the following on Sunday morning: (this isn't an either/or scenario...you must hit the trifecta)

a) Up at that time (I will be, but I'm a freak of nature...like Roseanne...in a good way)
b) Have the drive to, um, drive to Arby's
c) Be craving a Big Beef 'N Cheddar

My guess is that early morning shift is about as exciting as being the "Hat Guru" at Lids at MOA. Or the "Magnet Jockey" at the Magnet Zone.

My point is, the shift sucks, they'll make no money, no one wants Arby's on Sunday morning, so just open at noon like a regular place you inconsiderate morons.

Does this affect me? No. But I assume everyone will get pissed off and avoid Arby's like people avoid...Roseanne. And they sure as crup don't want that...

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Comcast van??

When I came home from Lifetime today, I was driving along, minding my own business, trying to figure out who would win if Bigfoot indian leg-wrestled the Loch Ness Monster (it's Bigfoot, by the way, as Nessie has small, girlish appendages). Then, I finally got home. The image above is what greeted me.

Now, I know most of you are thinking, "So what? What's the big deal, stupid? Boo-hoo-hoo someone parked in front of my house. Wah-wah. I'm a big baby and I don't know how to use the big boy toilet yet."
Now, first off, you're rather mean and crude. And I'm working on the toilet thing. I swear. The results just haven't been that positive. Just ask Alison. But that's neither here nor there. Seriously, just take a closer look at the above picture.

Notice anything strange? At all? Well, I'll tell you then Einstein. Look at the circled cones. Yes, there are cones set to the front and back of the Comcast van.
"What are these cones for?" you ask.
Well, I think it's quite obvious the cones are there to notify you that the van is there. But, don't you think if you can't see the van, you're probably not going to be able to see the cones around it? I mean, seriously, what's the point of this? Is it so I don't hit the van? "Crup! I almost hit that van! Didn't see it at all! Good thing they had those notifying cones there!"
This is ridiculous and makes me sad. But perhaps there's a new customer for the Flash Flare Pro. Who knew cable companies would need something like that??

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Fresh Gulf Shrimp...

So, I'm driving down the road the other day. In Minnesota. In the 95 degree heat. And what do I see on the side of the road? A hand made sign that said,

FRESH GULF SHRIMP
$5/LB

and next to the sign were two hillbillies standing next to a van, with many crates of, what I can only guess, were shrimp.

This instantly led to a bunch of questions in my head.

What gulf are they talking about? The Gulf of Mexico? The Gulf of Magellan, if there is such a thing? The Gulf of Johnnies Backyard? And, how in the world can they call it fresh? Did they just fly it in today? And why (WHY!!) was it not on ice? It was just sitting in crates in the 95 degree heat? Seriously?? Is there any chance you weren't going to get sick from eating it? I mean, you may not die, but you may. Is it really worth it? I think we all know the answer to that...

Thursday, June 21, 2007

A patented Sheehy ejection...

Well, it finally happened last night. After years and years of giving my opinions to umpires, I finally got ejected. I know many of you are surprised that I haven't been ejected before, and come to think of it, so am I. But, after years and years or times when it would have been justified to throw me out, I get ejected for a smart ass comment ala my old Legion coach, Kevin Sheehy.

In the fifth inning of a horrible day of softball, Josh made a good play in the hole. A little bobble, but he tossed it to me at second for the force, which was the third out. Or so I thought. Apparently Tim the Douche (the umpire for the game, who wears a braided belt and thinks he's the sweetest guy in the world, and will henceforth be known as TTD) didn't agree and proceeded to make his sixth incorrect call of the evening (hey...that's over one per inning! If you had TTD in your fantasy assy umping league...you're smelling like gravy!). Now, how do I know he was out at second, you ask? Well, since my foot was on the base, and I felt when the ball hit, then the base move as the guy slid in, I think I have an idea of if he's safe or out. He was out.

Now, after that call, the other team proceeded to tack on four more runs, putting us down 8 in the sixth, instead of 5 (and the game ended in a tie...even TTD could figure out the math on this one...er, perhaps not him).

So, after the inning was finished the second time, I went to home plate and had the following exchange:

Brent: I just wanted to let you know that was a terrible call out at second.
TTD: Blame your shortstop. He's the one who bobbled it.
Brent: Doesn't change the fact that he was out.
TTD: That's it. You're out of here. I've had enough.

And that was that. I was out of the game. No swearing. No warning. Just mentioned how bad the call was, just like the pitcher did the inning before when TTD missed some strike calls. Now, I know I shouldn't have gone up there, but that's no reason to eject me, and have a probable two game suspension after this. Also, in reality, it probably cost us the game.

Now, as for the title of the post, I must point out my favorite ejection of all time:

Sheehy: I know you don't want to be here today, but since you are, how about you make some correct call?
Umpire: You're gone!

Ahhh...memories...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Bachelor Party I - Vegas

Ahhh...I'm now back from Bachelor Party I - Vegas. You may be wondering how I have recovered so quickly. It may have something to do with going to bed at 9:30 each night, it may not. I guess we'll never know. Alas...here are the pertinent details that you are all wondering about:

Participants:
  1. Brent
  2. Rob (yes, I put myself in front of you...deal with it)
  3. Hart (I always call him Andy, but I know that's not his name)
  4. Hart II (this is Andy's brother)
  5. Kellett (sorry, nothing clever)
  6. "Shorts" (who gave his phone number to a chick with a tattoo of a snake on her neck...and her stomach...and her chest...niiiiiice)
  7. James (again, nothing clever)
  8. Devo (destroyed Jim Beam)
  9. Eric (claimed to destroy Jim Beam)
  10. Petredis (destroyed Garth Brooks)
  11. Greg (appeared with extra Jack Daniel's...a godsend at the time)
  12. Urban (I'm pretty sure I made fun of his birds, but I don't know for sure...)

The Events

Thursday

  • The arrival started off poorly. First, I had to ride on a plane, and I hate planes. Plus, I had to sit next to Gordo Mojito (which is what I called him). He couldn't put his tray down, or the armrests, or fit into orbit, if he was launched up there. Very few humans are bigger than that. I'm just sayin'.
  • So, then I landed and the cheapness came out of me and I took the $5.50 shuttle instead of the $14 cab. And, an hour and a half later, I was at the Flamingo. At least they had the heat on in the shuttle. I mean, it was only 107 out...might as well have it as 114 in the shuttle. Damn it.
  • Then, I found my way over to Bally's, where James, Petredis and I enjoyed the buffet. However, the price had skyrocketed 2 dollars in the past 2 years (stupid inflation). I consumed my regular buffet of a plate of meat, plate of meat, three desserts, three desserts, and an additional three desserts.
  • This was followed by heading to the room and starting to consume the whiskey. Luckily, I decided to have Eric bring two kinds of whiskey (Jack and Jim) since no one else would say what they want, and Captain is very 90's...
  • After drinking, we decided to leave the room when everyone was there and some of us went to the Imperial Palace for cheap blackjack. Which is where I went. And lost $100 to Garth Brooks at the table. I hate him more than Susie.

Friday

  • After some people ate breakfast (I didn't), we decided to go to the pool.
  • At the pool, I walked over to the slide, only to realize I felt like I was on To Catch a Perv. So, I left there. And, played some water H.O.R.S.E.
  • Turns out, I'm a phenom at water H.O.R.S.E. And it was domination.
  • Then, we went back to the room to consume more whiskey.
  • Eventually, we went to the Flamingo buffet.
  • I couldn't eat as much as normal, which made me sad.
  • After going back to the room for a quick np, it was morning. 9:00 bedtime? Check.

Saturday

  • After feeling like a losermobile after waking up, Petredis and I went to play poker.
  • Petredis lost his $100 on thw swift, though the guy who won it got lucky.
  • The wasted guy next to me won about $1,200 while I lost my money. Not good times. But he was more wasted than a Russian at the Kitty Kat Klub. You know what I'm talking about.
  • After that, we decided to bet on some baseball. I made my picks and bet $20, on a 4 team parlay. Petredis and Devo copied my picks. I also set up a 7 team parlay for Eric to bet on and he put $10 on it.
  • We sat in the sportsbook, waiting for our free drinks to pour in. Alas, you need to bet at least $40 to get one free drink. So, we got none. And got mad. But realized there was still whiskey in the room, so we went there to watch the games.
  • The Cubs-Padres game was on and Eric had bet on it. So, we watched that, and the game had a fight in it, and resulted in a 1-0 victory for the Pads. Eric got his first game.
  • We then watched the second game of the parlay, and watched the Angels beat the Dodgers. 2 for 2.
  • We proceeded to watch the White Sox-Pirates game, after hearing the Blue Jays won (which we all bet on). The Sox won, and soon, all the whiskey was gone, until another bottle magically appeared.
  • We then watched the bottom line, to see how the other games were going. Turns out the Diamondbacks won. The 4 team parlays were done and we'd won! Nice!
  • Eric saw the bottom line and the Reds won so he was 6 for 6. We decided to go to the sports book to watch the final game.
  • While I was wasted, we saw updates on the final game and the cards dominated the A's. Which meant Eric lost his parlay. And I had really wanted to bet on the Brewers over Twins instead, but didn't want to feel like Hitler, so didn't. Damn it!
  • Then, I ended up back in the room and went to bed again Bleh.

Sunday

  • Ah, the morning and time to leave.
  • We woke Petredis up and he was big into brushing his teeth. Very strange.
  • Tried to wake James up, but he was having none of it. Apparently, he didn't remember I was in there. Strange.

I'm sorry this update was boring, but Vegas was a great time. Seriously, I would love to go back and do it again. Faaaan-tastic. Thanks for coming everyone!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Apparently Nigeria reads my blog...

Now this is what I'm talking about!!

PS...Yahoo...your spam filter is breaking down on the quick...

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My Dear Beloved in the Lord,

My Name is Mrs Daisy Abraham,a National of Malaysial am married to late Engr.George Abraham who work with the Shell Petroleum Development Company in Russia before he died in the year 2001 after a brief illness that lasted for only five days.We were married for Seventeen years with a duaghter (Lilian)who later died in a motor accident. Before the untimely death of my husband we were both Born again Christians.Since after his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside

my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of ($18,000,000.00 USD) Eighteen Million United States Dollars with a Bank in England whose name is whithed until we open up communication.This money is still with the Bank, Recently Following my ill health, my Doctor told me that I may not last for the next Couple Of Months due to my cancer problem.The one that disturbs me most is my inability to move around.Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a Christain organization (Church) that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein,according to the desire of my late husband before his death.

I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way.This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace". I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always.I don't want them to know about this development.With God all things are possible.As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank.I will also issue you the Letter Of Authority that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund.I want you and the Church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard,Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein while i am Hoping to receive your urgent reply.

Have a Wonderful Day.
Your Sister in Christ,
Mrs Daisy Abraham.
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

It's like the Nigerians aren't even trying anymore...

Remember when you used to get those sweet spam e-mails from the Nigerian scammers? And there would be a big story about how a king was murdered in a coup and his wife has all the money but no means to get it out of the country? Then, she needs an American to smooth along the process, and she'll give you 20 million dollars for your troubles?

Or it was always something big and grandiose like that. Something that made you think. Something that seemed like it was large and made you feel like you could be part of something important.

NOW?? Check out the Nigerian spam I got today...
------------------------------------------------------
I am jane mayon,I have decided to donate
what I have to you.I was diagnosed for cancer.
I have been touched by God to donate to you.
Contact my lawyer Larry Powel with this
email- uklawyer.online1@yahoo.de
and tell him that I have
WILLED
$10,000,000:00 to you.
God bless
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COME ON NIGERIA!! GIVE ME A BETTER BACKSTORY!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Two kinds of people in this world...

If you know me, you know which kind I am...

There are two kinds of people in this world.

There is the kind that when someone is running to first and falls down with an injured leg, he'll stop play and let the guy get to first.

Then, there's the kind of guy who, when he sees the guy falls, he yells to the left fielder, "Throw it to one!!"

Since I was the first baseman, I think we can all agree that said player (who pulled up with a torn quadricep) was out at first base. Go team!!

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Goes on everything??

I was in the pantry, getting some oatmeal, when something caught my eye. It was a Can of Hormel 99% Fat Free Turkey Chili. And, on the side of the can, in a big blue star, it said "Goes On Everything TM".

Now, I can imagine the Turkey Chili going on many things...hot dogs...fritos...velveeta. You know, the usual suspects.

But, then I delved deeper into this "everything" issue. I mean, everything is a pretty broad term. Now, physically, I understand that it can, in fact, be put on everything (except dwarves, because they don't exist). But was that their true meaning? did they mean to tell you, "Yes, you can put our Hormel Chili on two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding!" But, would you really want to ruin two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding by putting Chili on it? I'm just sayin', that's a buttload of pudding.

And, this phrase is trademarked! That means some marketing person went into a Hormel meeting and told the people that they should have their slogan be "Goes On Everything." What? Was "Now! Unicorn Free!" taken? I need to get a job as a marketing person. I think I would have presented a slogan that was something like "Hormel Chili doesn't need you. It feels loved on its own." And I'm sure that would have gone over gangbusters in the room...

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Sweet Assed Games I Created As A Kid...

Now, as you all know, or don't know for that matter, I used to make up awesome games when I was a kid. You know, before TV dullened my senses and the only thing I can use my imagination for anymore is picturing David snapping and using Susie and Kina as two big drum sticks, and Adam and Tori as the drum. But before that, I used to think of games.

Now, I'm sure I'll forget some. Since, sometimes the games were only played one day. But, here's what I got so far, along with a brief (or not so brief) description...
  1. Blanket Spinner - This game was normally played during commercials (or the pre-Urkel episodes of Family Mattersi) of ABC's T.G.I.F. (OK, I lied...TV hasn't dullened my senses...I've always watched copious amounts of TV). The supplies needed for the game were 3 people, a blanket (or comforter) and two pillows. Now, one person would put the blanket over themselves and spin around 15 times, to make them dizzy. Then, their goal was to tackle one of the other people, while the other people are beating the crap out of the blanket guy. Once the blanket guy tackles someone, it's their turn to be under the blanket. The reason this is fun is because you get to wail on a dizzy guy who can't see. At least, I think that's why it's fun. I won't know for sure until I'm armed with a pillow and a drunk Stevie Wonder. I'll clue you in when that happens...
  2. Jumping H.O.R.S.E. - Ahhh...much like the traditional game of H.O.R.S.E. played in basketball, except this involves jumping over pieces of furniture. To play this game, you need at least two people. Then, the first person picks a piece of furniture and jumps over it. If successful (makes it over without falling), then the other person has to jump it. If they don't, they get a letter. And it's that simple. Some of the most sophisticated jumps involved jumping over a recliner in it's horizontal position and jumpingbackwards over the couch, with the high end furthest away from you. Lots of good times with this game, though I believe it was only played once.
  3. Bean Bag Chair Sumo - Speaking of games that were only played once...Um, this game requires 2 bean bag chairs, 2 people, and 2 understanding parents. Luckily, we had all of those when we played, so it was like the Perfect Storm. Now, since this is pretty easy to figure out how to play, I'll clue you in on the end result; one brother's body thrown right through the drywall, one handyman needed to fix said drywall and one game that would never be played again.
  4. BP Ping Pong - My memory on this is a little hazy, but it involved two Koosh paddles, a ping-pong ball, a ping-pong table, and walls semi close to the table. To get it in, you needed to hit it off the wall, onto the other side of the table. 'Twas fun for awhile, but didn't have staying power. There seems to be a theme with the games I've made up...
  5. Wristband - Possibly the most ridiculous game ever invented. To play, you need a wristband, two people and a rope. You set the rope up between the two people and hit the wristband in the air, back and forth, like volleyball. When someone misses, they lose. This game was invented to convince a very gullible kid that Wristband was the wave of the future and everyone was playing it. Alas, even the gullible kid was not that gullible and this lame game was pretty much over before it started.
  6. Pool Cue Baseball - Gah. Possibly the most dangerous game played (and remember, we already have a game where we're essentially beating up a blind, drunk guy). To play this, you need some sort of foam ball, two people and the bottom end of a two piece pool cue. It's played just like baseball, where the cue is the bat. Unfortunately, the cue does not have a knob on the end, like a bat. Which means that a bat stays in your hands and the cue has the propensity to fly out and strike the pitcher. Amazingly enough, there were no serious injuries reported and this game was a mainstay.

That's all that I can think of for the moment. However, I know there were more dranconian games that were played in my youth. Hopefully there will be some comments to let me know what I've forgotten...

Friday, April 13, 2007

Photo finish??

So, I click on this link on CNN.com, where this guy is racing a cheetah. I thought it might be interesting. I mean, cheetahs are fast. Men (some) are fast. So, if this is a girl cheetah, it will be a good race. I kid, I kid. Seriously though...

They set up this whole race thing and explain how they are planning on getting the cheetah to run. Then, they casually mention that the guy has a 35 yard headstart! Then, they race.

And the stupid anchor announcing this thing mentions it's much closer than anyone expected and it was a photo finish. Are you serious? I mean, the guy had a 35 yard headstart!

This would be like me, going out to left field at the Metrodome and hitting the ball into the upper deck, 520 feet from homeplate. Then,the announcer says that I hit the second longest homerun in Metrodome history, all the while, forgetting that I was standing in left field. I really don't understand morons like this guy...

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Stupid creating a scene...

So, I'm at Lifetime (Fitness, not the TV network...stupid Petredis) today and I was doing 40 inch box jumps. Good times.

I had to go grab the 36 inch box, which I had to wrangle away from one of their "trainers". As I grab it, she says "Are you going to jump up on that?" with a look in her eye like she'd just seen her first set of boobs (I don't know if she was a lesbian or not, but I assume everyone has the same reaction the first time they see boobs, men and women alike). I said I was and she said, "Sweet. She's really excited." and pointed at her client. Great. So, I'll have an audience. Which doesn't not kind of suck.

Then, I had to grab some of the platforms to transform the 36-inch box into a 40-inch box. Which is just as unsafe as it sounds (essentially, setting the big box on two platforms, which means the box and/or the platforms can move at any moment...more on that later).

Now, as I got ready to do my first set of 15 jumps, I could feel many sets of eyes on me, since no one really works out there, as the trainers only seem to teach people how to do lunges and curls at the same time (most bang for your buck!!). So, all I want to do is not biff it. So I start, and get going and everything went fine. First set of 15 was successful.

Alas, I was doing two sets of 15. And therein lies the rub.

I got ready to do the second set, and I felt the same group of eyes, if not more, on me again. Which is fine. I don't care. Much. Or are I?

So, I started doing the jumps. When I got to 14, I took an extra second to gather myself for the last jump, since my legs were cashed. Apparently, I didn't gather enough time. Because I made it to the top of the box, but not enough in the middle. A bit too much on the side. So, the box and/or the platform moved and I found meself (went Scottish on you there) horizontal to the ground, which is not where you want to be. (at least not in this case...wink wink, nudge nudge, creepy double thumbs up) And I stuck out my arm to break my fall, but that didn't help much, except it helped me to hurt my bad wrist. And I still landed completely on my back and butt.

So, the things that I think sucked about this are:

A) I didn't finish my second set of 15 successfully.
B) I landed on my bad wrist.
C) There were tons of eyes on me.
C corallary) None of those eyes knew it was my last jump, so they thought I quit after I biffed the jump, which I wouldn't have done.
D) Now all the lunge curlers think I suck, when, in actuality, I only moderately suck and they can't know that just from my appearance and lack of coordination.

Super long story short, I don't think I'll be moving above the 40 inch box the next time my workout calls for high box jumps. Hopefully I don't fall again next time and relegate myself to Ardolf status...

Sunday, April 01, 2007

My Pop Grades...

Now, since I've been questioned extensively as an expert on drinking pop (lest we forget the famous day when I consumed 35 cans) I thought I would give you all some advice on what kinds of pops I enjoy. Enjoy!

COLAS
  1. Diet Pepsi - Better than Diet Coke. I can't say why, it just is. There...I said it (Don't you dare sue me Spade! I served you a hamburger damn it!).
  2. Diet Coke - A very good choice, when Diet Pepsi is unavailable, which is in most restaraunts.
  3. Coke Zero - Uses the original recipe for Coca-cola. Woooooo...I'm getting shivers! Or not. It's okay, but drink more than 3 in a row and your mouth tastes like Ellen DeGeneres looks.
  4. Diet Super Chill - Ahhh...the Cub brand cola. Excellent. Or not terrible. At least it's not Tab.
  5. Tab - Speaking of...

NON-COLAS

  1. Diet Mountain Dew - Delicious. Delicious. Delicious. Also, the best pop for chugging, you know...if you get into a pop chugging contest (I'm looking at you on this one Dvorak!)
  2. Diet Mountain Mist - Yep...this is the Cub brand. It's surprisingly good. And at lest it's not as gross as Vault Zero.
  3. Vault Zero - Speaking of...
  4. Sierra Mist Free/Sprite Zero - Both of these suck. Seriously. The only redeeming quality is they don't have caffeine. Bleh! Which is why they're last.
  5. (Fresca is not on the list, as I don't believe in it. It's like Unicorns or chiropractors. It doesn't exist.)

*sidenote* I have neglected to include Mello-Yello and Surge, since they are not made anymore. But Surge was delicious and I drank two cans before every baseball game my senior year of high school. Which, I'm assuming is why I led the league in homers. That, and our fence was shorter than the fence at Williamsport. It's also the reason I got fat. That...and because I could eat 18 pieces of Godfather's pizza at the buffet. But I'm getting off track here. My point, I think, is that I hate the TV show "The Wedding Bells." It sucks horrible. *end sidenote*

CHERRY COLAS

  1. Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi - Fantastic. Bold tase. Gives you wings. Or something more clever than that. No matter what anyone tells you it does not make you hallucinate.
  2. Cherry Coke Zero - It's good. Just not great. But better than any of the colas, and all the Non-Colas besides Mountain Dew.
  3. Diet Cherry Coke - It leaves a weird taste. Not bad. Just weird. Like Buddy Lembeck (come on Charles in Charge fans...get the joke!!)

PEPPER COLAS

  1. Pibb Free - Score one for the Coke company! This is a delicious, refreshing beverage. Though I hate the name change (like how the Mars company got rid of Mars bars and replaced it with Snickers Almond.). What kind of game are they trying to pull here?
  2. Diet Dr. Pepper - It's good, until you try Pibb Free. But at least it's not Diet Dr. Thunder.
  3. Diet Dr. Thunder - Speaking of...

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

David Carr?

This makes no sense to me. Why in the world are the Vikings not signing David Carr?

Is Tevarious Jackson that good (no)?
Do the Vikings already have someone who can be considered a franchise QB (no)?
Is the cost for Carr that great (no)?
Are they upset with the draft picks they'd lose to get him (no)?

Then what in the world is the hold up?? This is the former #1 pick in the draft! Not that that means he has to be good, but come on...this isn't Rick Mirer here. I don't know how well Peyton Manning would have played with that offensive line in Houston, and that receiving corps.

This is a QB who completed 68% of his passes last year. This is a perfect guy for the "West Coast" offense that Childress claims to run. So, let's get Carr on board, then see if we can trade up for Calvin Johnson. If not, let's take LaRon Landry in the first, and try to grab Steve Smith in the second. Come on Vikes! I know you can get off those "Worst Offseason" lists! It's just going to take this signing and a good draft, so let's stop consulting with McHale and actually DO SOMETHING!!! NOTE: Something DOES NOT include SIGNING BOBBY WADE!!!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

ESPN Fantasy All-Stars...

Today, I watched the ESPN Baseball Tonight Fantasy Baseball Special. Correction, I mean I tried to watch it. I couldn't. It was too terrible.

Now, as you all know, I will read and watch anything related to fantasy sports. I've printed out more articles from more obscure sites than I can count. I don't care. I just want some insight on fantasy baseball.

Now, back to ESPN. I wanted to watch the show because they have some people that give solid advice (TMR) and people who I enjoy reading (Cockcroft and Karabell). Unfortunately for their special, they decided to do the thing that irks me more than anything; have people who don't understand fantasy baseball host the show.

Are you going to have Spencer Pratt host Hardball? No, because he's a douche and doesn't know anything about the topics on the show. Same thing with Fantasy Baseball.

So, I thought I'd give it a chance anyway. In the first 3 minutes, Tim Kurkjian said that he'd draft Albert Pujols number 1 because "he has 100 more walks than strikeouts in his career." Ummm...that's relebant to baseball, but not to fantasy. But I can deal with it, because TMR and Karabell are there. Plus, Pujols has to be #1.

Then, they were debating the sixth pick and Karl Ravech says "Well, I debated between Jose Reyes and Robinson Cano for this pick..." and I don't know who he decided on. I had to turn the TV off. When your host is debating the 7th best second baseman versus arguably the best player in fantasy baseball, I can't take it. Damn it, you might as well draft Mariano Rivera in the first round, if that's how much you care.

Stupid ESPN. Why don't you just get Jennie Finch to be one of your fantasy baseball analysts. Oer...too late...

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

America's High Flying Sport??

I was driving yesterday and the person in front of me had a bumper sticker. As much as I hate bumper stickers, I have to try to read all of them on the car in front of me. I can't help it. It's a sickness. Like listening to Hillary Duff. But that's neither here nor there.

The point of all this is this; the bumper sticker in front of me had this on it:

Join America's
HIGH FLYING SPORT!
HOMING PIGEON RACING!!

Really? Homing pigeon racing? And you're going to advertise that you actually participate in this geekfest to total strangers?

I mean, in all honesty, your own family doesn't want to know about your losertacular pursuits; what makes you think that society wants to know how you waste your free time? Come on!

And what's the deal with all the exclamations? Is it really that exciting? Maybe a question mark after sport? Letting it be a question as to whether this is a sport. Now that's a bumper sticker I can really get behind...