Monday, February 28, 2005

Apprentice VI

Hey Stephanie, cute “Will Work for Shoes” shirt. Do you think anyone has ever tried to pay her in shoes? And what kind of “work” are we talking about here? I mean, for the right job, I can probably hook her up with a nice pair of Steve Madden’s. (Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, catcall, purring)

(That’s right, I said Steve Madden’s. I know my fashion. Deal with it.)

Wow, did Alex give Stephanie an awkward hug. It’s how you would hug a Leper, if it had AIDS, I’d imagine.

On a scale of one to Carolyn, this Jill woman sucks.

Tara just said she was project manager because she “understands Harlem.” I don’t want to play the race card or anything, but that’s like me doing an ad in Beverly Hills and saying I should be project manager because I “understand Beverly Hills.”

I love Audrey. I’m going to try to not go on about how hot she is, but it’s kind of like Dickie V not talking about a Diaper Dandy. It just ain’t gonna happen.

“Someone with an afro, waving them on.” Yes, I’d agree that’s what we all want to see. And since we want to appeal to the “urban” feel, I bet Tara wants to throw on a basketball jersey, a gold grill and put 23 inch rims on the car. This is blatant. She sucks.

Alex is smart. Going around and seeing what the people like. Well played. I can’t believe they didn’t want some metaphor for the revitalization of Harlem. It’s unfeasible!

That was kind of a dick move by Trump to just roll by and not stop. It’s not like he went by inconspicuously either. He rolled by in a limo! Who else in Harlem is going to roll by in a limo? I’d be pissed.

How can Tara go in there and blame anyone but herself? It was like she did the task herself. Everything was her idea, and she had final say. Horribleness.

Audrey did tell Tara about the other courses (I know I had fake TiVo) but she’s so set in her ways she wouldn’t listen to Moses if he told her what to do.

I don’t think demeaningful is a word. But if Audrey wants to use it, I’m sure as hell not going to stop her. Do you think they can switch the name of the show to Audrey!?

Why didn’t Tara bring Fat Vince Vaughn into the boardroom? That doesn’t really make any sense. Seems a bit vindictive to me. Maybe if she would have taken John back in, she wouldn’t be sent home. Ahhh well, live and learn.

No horse jokes this week. Sorry to disappoint.

My prediction for a winner after week 6: Still Kendra. Again, Audrey is smoking. Though this meltdown in the commercials does not look promising. Alex did a great job and he’s on my leader board now, as he’s been creeping up for weeks.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Why I hate Reggie Fowler...

There are three kinds of truths in this world...

Reggie Fowler Truths (aka...lies)

What is the deal with this guy? Let's count down what he has told the media since he took over as "owner" of the Vikings a week ago.

1. He played in the NFL (He played in the NFL as much as Ricky Martin has played in the NFL)

2. He played collge football (in fact, he had as many plays on the field as I did in college)

3. He played in the Little League World Series (Seriously? Why would you lie about that? Does that impress anyone? Next thing you know, he's going to be saying how he was on the Walter Mondale campaign)

4. He's not trading Randy Moss (yet, all of the sudden, Moss is a Raider. Sweet)

Why does he keep lying like this? It's like he's turned into Tommy Flanagan.

"No, I've not had enough mean, I'm not going to trade Moss...Yeah, that's the ticket!"

Here are some other things he's probably going to lead us to believe over the coming weeks and months...
  • He invented the internet, not Al Gore.
  • He was the fifth Beatle, but they kicked him out for "not being British enough."
  • He helped found N.W.A. but they kicked him out for "being too British."
  • He was on the grassy knoll.
  • He was the original Buckwheat, before it got all "political."
  • He invented pants.
  • Soup was his idea.

Here's one thing I hope he utters in the next week or so...

"I have every intention of moving the Vikings out of Minnesota."

At least then we'll know the team will stay put for a long, long time...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Why Ketch was in Vegas...

Petredis: Ketchum is back! He asked Billy if it would be OK if he came to LV, and SLEEP IN BILLY’S CAR!!!!! What is that? How can I say no? And not cause him to commit suicide?

Nelson: Wow. Wow. In the car? Wow. This is unbelievable! Would you ever ask that? Seriously?

"Can I come, and while you sleep in a luxurious bed, maybe I can sleep in your car? And then, when you're done with your lunch McDonald's, maybe I can eat the pickle you don't like and possibly lick the ketchup/mustard runoff from the wrapper and maybe take a couple of bag fries and suck what's left of your soft drink from the straw."

Wow. I can't fathom this. This is the most insane thing I have ever heard. I feel like that guy in Scanners. Pretty soon, someone is going to come get me to do a commission report and all they'll find is my lifeless body…headless. The only remnants of my head will be the bits and pieces scattered willy-nilly on the walls and computer screen. Wow. Is this for real? I feel like I just got pushed through the car wash with no car, and while I'm squeaky clean, I'm a little confused about how life works and the lengths people will go. Am I the only sane one left? Can I ramble on anymore? The car? Really? Is that the saddest thing you've ever heard? It's the saddest thing I've ever heard. And I once heard of a puppy that got shot by Jeffrey Dahmer while he was raping a dead body. But perhaps I've said too much...

Petredis: I know, I mean, can you make yourself look more, sad/desperate/loserific than by saying that? And texting it no less. I mean, now we have to see him after we told him no, and he guilted his way back in with the saddest text message.......ever.

Nelson: Did you read the Sports Guy about how his friends will be at a blackjack table, cracking jokes and some guy they don't know will inevitably try to fit in their group? Can someone from the group do that? Could that be Ketchum? Here we go, from the SG:

14. The guy who tries to ingratiate himself with you and your buddies
This happens to me and the Sports Guy Posse every year. Whenever we play blackjack together, we're always cracking jokes and making fun of each other ... within a few hours, three or four running jokes emerge that take precedent for the rest of our trip.

For instance, this year we started comparing blackjack dealers to baseball pitchers. Have you ever noticed how the pit boss will always send over his most unfriendly, non-American dealer whenever the entire table is winning? It's uncanny. Anyway, within a few hours on Friday, we started calling this dealer the "closer"; by Sunday, it had evolved to the point that we would win a few hands in a row and start making jokes of the "Uh-oh, the pit boss just started warming up Mariano Rivera in the Asian Gaming Room" variety. Anyway, whenever this happens, there's always some sad sack at the table who starts giving off those "I wish I was friends with you guys" vibes and starts trying to make those same jokes. Just go away. Please.

Can someone in your own group be that guy? Because it's sounding like Ketch is going to be him...

Petredis: If you think for one minute that that person won't not be Ketch. Then you're wrong.

It is going to be awkward city Saturday when he shows up, and I will be the mayor. But hey, what’s a bachelor party without some guy who was not invited, was specifically told he couldn't come, but asked he if could come anyway and sleep in the car, showing up and ruining everything? I can't fucking wait. Extra Spicy.

Nelson: Ahh...the spiciness factor. On the Spice Scale...this is probably somewhere around atomic. You know, mild, medium, hot, super hot, lava, death, atomic. It's the way it goes.

But seriously, if people were making that much of a push to not have you come, wouldn't you not wanna go? I have a feeling he's going to backpack me while I'm there. He's either going to hate me or backpack me. Either way, it's going to be uncomfortable. So I have that to look forward to, which is nice.

Does he not have friends to hang with in Cali? Wouldn't he want to go to LV with them some weekend? I know you don't really remember him, but he's creepy as hell. Here's what he's going to do. It's a little move I like to pull on the ladies. It's called the "Stare and Creep". You stare at them, and stare, until they get uncomfortable and say to their friend "Why is that guy staring at me. It's really creepy". This is a perfectly acceptable mating ritual between a guy and a girl. It's just that he does it between a dude and a dude. And not in the fun "we're friends, I'm gonna 'stare and creep' you to make you uncomfortable" way. And there's a problem with that. There are only two rules to a "stare and creep":

1. You don't "stare and creep" people you know. You just talk to them.
2. You don't "stare and creep" a dude, unless you're doing it on purpose, to make him uncomfortable and increase your own laughter.

And he's breaking both rules. This is unacceptable. It really deserves a punch to the neck or spitballs shot at you. At best, you need to be shot. I am not happy about this. Not happy about this turn of events. But at least I'll make fun of him behind his back, which is what I'm good at.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Conversation II...

Brent: How hard would it be to get tickets to Wrigley for you? Easy or super easy?

Eric: It would depend on whether or not a game was being played.

Brent: What if a game was not being played, but I wanted to re-create the movie "Rookie of the Year" only using monkeys and midgets?

Eric: Well, I think that you would have to buy tickets for everyone involved (perhaps discounted due to tiny stature or simian nature), but they would probably be cheap and relatively plentiful if no actual game were being played. Of course, I assume that tickets are printed every day regardless of whether or not an event is taking place.

Brent: You would have to think so. I was thinking of getting Mr. Jangles to play the role of the kid from “American Pie”. I think he can handle it. I think the rest of the Cubs will also be monkeys, because I think monkeys should be the underdogs, don't you? I mean seriously, who's going to win in a fight, monkeys or midgets?

Eric: Depends on what kind of monkey (and what kind of midget for that matter). Monkeys can be pretty mean and rabid (so can midgets for that matter). In conclusion, neither group would be a match for a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Brent: While I concur with your shark assessment (especially if they have some sort of glo-gun that sends radioactive pulses from their heads), it is hard to control the shark. Now, I assume the shark would be wearing some sort of seatbelt contraption so the he doesn't fall off the elephant and perhaps injure it, thereby stopping time and causing all of the world's chocolate to simultaneously combust. I'm correct in this assumption, right?

Eric: There's some sort of fastening device, obviously. I envisioned bungee cords but am willing to be flexible. However, I know little about the physics behind the mighty chocolate conflagration of which you speak.

Brent: First, allow me to explain the glo-gun. It sends radioactive pulses from the wearers’ brain out into space, until it hits something. This renders the target temporarily immobile. This would normally be the time for scavenging his wallet (if you're a midget), eating him (if you're a shark) or throwing your own feces at him (again, if you're a midget). Now, if the shark was wearing this and fell off the elephant, his glo-gun would hit the elephant, who would fall over, creating an earthquake, which will stop all the chocolate machines at the same time, but the machines would start trying to move faster to produce more chocolate. Hence, the combustion. Questions?

Eric: Well, I know that! I guess we have different definitions of "spontaneously combust"...or "chocolate"...or both...I'm not really sure.

Brent: Yeah, the definition for "chocolate" is really a slippery slope that only Larry Flynt and Stephen Hawking should discuss...whilst they're having wheelchair races, of course.

Eric: My money is on Flynt. I assume he has spikes on his wheels like old-timey chariots. Of course all bets are off if the Hawk utilizes a wormhole!

Brent: I think Flynt is way too smart for Hawking in wheelchair racing. What's Hawk gonna do, diagram a cosmos model that has four cluster idioms located in single Socratic organism? Puh-lease!!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Vegas Quotes...

“Bettington still sucks, right?” – Petredis to me, after Urban was getting friendly with an Asian poker player nicknamed Karl Bettington, for his aggressive betting style.

“Should I hit on this?” – Ketchum, looking at a 3 and a 4 while the dealer had a queen showing.

“How many times have you seen a seven beat a face in Blackjack?” – Justin to Ketchum after the previous question.

“That is the luckiest kid in the world.” – Justin to Ketchem, after he split 7’s, got a 4 and a 10 on the first hand and a 5 and a 9 on the second hand.

“I don’t want to jinx the table karma, but how are you doing?” – Justin to the table, right before his downward plummet into Blackjack hell.

“I didn’t stay up all night to not go to a strip club!” – Keith, at 9 o’clock Sunday morning, while yelling at Petredis in the Bally’s poker room.

“I hear they have a sweet breakfast buffet.” – Me, in response to Keith

“I just had like 8 gin and Squirts.” - Bill, right before Petredis called him on it by showing about two shots taken out of the bottle.

“That looks terrible” – Justin to Petredis, describing what he thought was a piece of chocolate cake, but was in fact a beef tip.

“Come on Petredis, walk down the aisle.” – Alex to Petredis, trying to get him to strut his stuff in the aisle of the restaurant

“It’s only been 3 minutes.” – Keith to Petredis, after 20 minutes, letting Trete know how much time till he could drink water to win the Tabasco contest.

“Did you come to deal or to baby sit us?” – Keith, to Blackjack dealer Carol, when she came to the empty table we were all sitting around.

“Baby sit.” – Carol, to Keith on the previous question.

“I just cheated in blackjack.” – Petredis, to me, after doubling his bet on a blackjack, while the dealer wasn’t looking.

“I totally played it like it was my money.” – Petredis, to me, after losing $100 of Urban’s money in two hands of No Limit.

“I almost died tonight!” – Ketchum to Petredis

“I wish you had.” – Petredis to Ketchum, in response to the previous statement.

Ahhhh….Vegas. Spicy.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Apprentice V

Wow, that Audrey has some little mouth on her. I like it. Not swearing in the boardroom and then bringing the thunder in the suite. That’s the professional way to do it. Some people may call her a raging, psychotic bitch. I call her spirited; a powder keg. And once her divorce goes thorough…hey, hey!!

So the only thing that separates Michael and Trump is a few billion dollars? Did you hear that Michael and Trump both only date Eastern European girls? Michael does it exclusively! The only difference, of course, is that Trump doesn’t have to use “Brides ‘R’ Us: Mail-Order Bride Service” that Michael does. And why do they keep leaving him once he brings them over? Could it be his overwhelming ego? Or the mysterious odor that emanates from his armpits? I’m just sayin’…

Why, when Rhona calls them about the task at hand, are they sometimes in their underwear and sometimes all dolled up with make-up on and a snappy business suit? It’s because some people know the value of “face-time” and some people don’t. It’s valuable, like Easter eggs on Easter Sunday. Use it.

Has anyone else noticed that The Apprentice is actually the show: It’s Good to be: Donald Trump”, but it has the twist of a “game” on it? Helicopters, limos, buildings…and, oh yeah, I guess there’s a job involved in the end. Savvy. Trump understands “face-time”.

Mr. Ed as project manager? Yes!!

Massage-a-go-go? Really? Why did Michael keep saying different things “a-go-go”? Like sushi a –go-go? Does he have some rare form of Tourette’s? Was he dropped on his head recently? Maybe that same piece of “ceiling” that fell on Omarosa, also hit Michael in the head?

I like how Michael got the very important (and spicy) task of cooking the lunch pizza. Now, I’m not going to say he did a good or bad job on his assignment, but the pizza did look a little burned. That might come back to haunt him in the boardroom.

Sidenote: Bren must have some sort of ESP or something. Not two minutes after Michael cooked up his fabulous pizza, Bren asks him to bring food for the group? Come on! What does Bren know that he’s not telling us? End sidenote

Does Erin really hate Michael? I vote no. It seems like she has that “third grade I like you so I’m going to steal your lunch and make fun of you until you notice me and try to kiss me under the jungle gym during recess when no one’s looking and then I’m going to tell all my friends and we’re going to giggle and point at you during art class while you’re playing with the finger paints” kind of vibe going on. Does she even talk about anything else during the interviews? I think she may be a potential stalker when this is all over and done with…

Sweet casting sign that Net Worth had. Maybe if their casting studio didn’t look very similar to a rape van, they could have gotten some people to fork over some monies to go inside. Instead of scaring them away, like Kathy Bates in Misery.

What are those footsteps you hear? That’s the jockey taking a victory lap on his favorite thoroughbred, Tana. That’s right, she’s won this round, and will be here next week, and the week after at least. Someone (me) needs to think of more horse jokes…stat!

Do Miss Universe and Miss USA ever get to take off those sashes and crowns? Do they have to wear them when they sleep? If they are “being intimate” with a fellow (or lady, as the case may be in my mind), do they have to wear them? I hope so. I know I wouldn’t want to go anywhere with them if they didn’t have that sash on. You probably get some pretty sweet discounts at Denny’s when you wear that get-up in there.

Tana has a husband? There’s a “horse cross-bred with human” joke just sitting there, waiting to be made. Unfortunately, I can’t think of it right now. I will bow my head in shame. I apologize. I’ve let you down.

There are two kinds of people in this world…those who wear bow-ties and those who don’t. I hate them.

Kendra flew under the radar again. I swear, in the boardroom was the first time she’s even spoken in the last three episodes. What is she going to do when she needs to be a leader? Hopefully it’s some sort of “mime contest” so she can win. Otherwise, I think she’s in trouble.

Was Michael hitting on Trump after he got fired? Why did he leave him his card? Will Trump ever call him? Can Michael have his own show? That way we can watch him walk around and eat pizza, while spouting nonsense. I like it. Maybe The WB can pick it up. And give him Damon Wayans as a sidekick. They could fight crime and eat pizza. God, I should be a TV exec.

My prediction for a winner after week 5: Still Kendra. Again, Audrey is smoking. I can’t stop talking about her. She’s pulling a Lou Gehrig. She’ll be in my thoughts for 2,130 straight nights.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Stare and creep...

People often say to me, “Brent, you’re quite the ladies man. What’s your secret?”

And I’ll often reply, “Dude, apparently you really don’t know me. And they’re called Altoids. You may want to look into them. But even though I’m not quite the suave gentleman I make myself out to be, I do have a surefire way to attract the ladies. What I’m about to tell you is top secret and the only reason I’m telling you is that the North Koreans have temporarily taken over my sense of secrecy and I’ll tell you anything for the next four minutes. That tie looks god awful on you and you smell like chum. Here’s the secret to get the ladies. It’s called the ‘Stare and Creep’.”

Then, they’ll often say, “The ‘Stare and Creep’? That sounds great! But can you explain it to me in a little more detail? I want to make sure I use it for good and not use it for evil, like Willie Ames does.”

I’ll then counter with, “I understand your concern Daniel-san. The ‘Stare and Creep’ is only meant for good, not evil. Here’s how the ‘Stare and Creep’ works. First, you find a lovely lady in the room. Someone you don’t know, but think is Kelly Kapowski hot. Then, you stare at them. And stare at them. And continue to stare at them until they get uncomfortable. Once it looks like they sat in a pile of wet gym towels, you know you are staring enough. Eventually, she will say to her friend ‘Why is that guy staring at me? It's really creepy’. And the ‘Stare and Creep’ has worked again! This is a perfectly acceptable mating ritual between a guy and a girl.”

They follow up with, “I see! That is brilliant! Like nuts and gum together, why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Is there anyway to misuse the ‘Stare and Creep’?”

I will then fire back, “I’m so glad you asked! Yes, there are two ways to ruin a perfectly good ‘Stare and Creep’. They are…

1. You don't ‘Stare and Creep’ people you know. You just talk to them, like civilized people.
2. You don't ‘Stare and Creep’ a dude, unless you're doing it on purpose, to make him uncomfortable and increase your own enjoyment factor.

Those are the only two ways to ruin the ‘Stare and Creep’. Now, young grasshopper, I have filled your toolbox with the knowledge that very few are privy to. I hope you will not abuse the trust I have placed in you. Please use the ‘Stare and Creep’ to your advantage, but don’t taunt it. The ‘Stare and Creep’ is a witch about payback. You’ve been warned. Godspeed.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Dwarf Basketball...

Bashful (Long beard, long eye lashes) - He has excellent court vision and a 15 foot jumper you could set your watch to. A little embarrassed of how good he is, like Clyde Drexler. This is a guy you want on your team. He is more of a second banana as opposed to a leading force. Silent leader.

Doc (Short Beard, glasses) – He is your classic 'tweener. Too smart to be a power forward, but not quick enough to run the point. Outstanding work ethic. He's reminds me of a young Danny Manning, with Chris Sabo glasses. Hopefully he will continue to put in the work to take it to the next level.

Dopey (Beardless, big ears) - He was actually known as the "Michael Jordan" of the NDBL (National Dwarf Basketball League), so after his transition to the nest level, he should be on an even tier with Toni Kukoc! What more can you ask for?

Grumpy (Long Beard, scowl) - I liken his game to Vlade Divac. Is Vlade a Hall of Famer? I don't think so. So, there is no way I'm putting Grumpy in the Hall. But if you need someone to act like they never do anything wrong and it’s always someone else’s fault, Grumpy is your man.

Happy (Short beard, smile) - The typical team player; he makes the people around him better. Always willing to crack a joke to lighten the mood. A Mark Madsen-esque player, he's a good hustle guy. You’re never going to want to give him a max-contract, but you’ll want him in your line-up at crunch time.

Sleepy (Long beard, heavy eyelids) - Ahh...the Damon Stoudamire of the NDBL. Is he really sleepy, or should he be called “Munchies”? Either way, if he can keep up that 20-10-7 pace he's on, this is a Hall of Famer for sure, regardless of his off the court "activites".

Sneezy (Short beard, red nose) - Sneezy never gets off the bench. Too many mysterious aliments. He's like Terrell Brandon. All he's good for is to trade an expiring contract. Barely an NBA player. If I had my choice between Sneezy and Felton Spencer, I’m taking Felton. Enough said.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Sports InFlux II

Welcome to Sports InFlux, where we allow a guest columnist to present their view on a topic in sports. Today, we are welcoming Mr. Brodie Miller of the Scottsdale Sun-Herald. Mr. Miller is a Scorpio and he enjoys ice fishing, proper legislation, making fun of SBTB and praying the Gophers make a bowl game next year next year. Today’s topic is…

Do players (specifically Mark McGwire) who are purported to have done steroids, belong in the Hall of Fame?

Brent Nelson Mark McGwire Enthusiast

So, you're not going to be voting for Mark McGwire because of what he may or may not have done. That's fantastic. I understand that you said if more information comes out you're less inclined to vote for him. Which is great. If sloppy reasoning is a great reason to keep someone out of the Hall of Fame.

So, you wouldn't have voted for Don Drysdale, Gaylord Perry or Babe Ruth to be enshrined in the Hall of Fame. And, while we're at it (since you want to blame the clean players fro this era) there would be no Mickey Mantle, Willie Mays or Ty Cobb in the Hall either? Who exactly would be in your Hall of Fame? We can't have anyone who had a competitive advantage over anyone else, can we? I believe some hall of famers used contacts and glasses to be able to see the ball. If they hadn't used those, they wouldn't be there. Get them out!

What about Tommy John surgery? I believe that anyone who had Tommy John surgery shouldn't be in the Hall, because players of yesteryear may have been better had they had the medicine we have today. Wait, why stop at Tommy John surgery? If anyone had any sort of medical procedure that was unavailable to players at the turn of the century, they shouldn't be allowed in.

Now, let's take it a step further. Even though there were no rules against steroids at the time in MLB (before you bring US regulations in this, there are plenty of "laws" that are broken everyday by everyone, so that's not an accurate argument) we're going to hang him for this? Well, let's say they make wearing batting gloves illegal this year, because it offers the batter too much advantage. Now, everyone who has ever worn a batting glove, though it was perfectly legal at the time, has all their records banned, because of what is illegal now. Does that make sense to you? That's essentially the argument you're making!

It's like on the episode of the Simpson's with Stampy, Bart's elephant. The prices were originally $1 to see the elephant and $2 to ride it. Then, Homer jacked up the prices to $100 to see it and $200 to ride it, when he found he couldn't afford to feed it.

Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. Van Houten: Yes, but we paid you $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 more that you owe me.
Mr. Van Houten: Get off our property.

Does that argument make sense to you? Are you the Homer Simpson of Sportswriters on this issue? I hope not. Because McGwire has garnered our respect and deserves to be enshrined in the Hall, regardless of his "cheating". Even if he did do steroids, they were not illegal and, even if they were, the Hall is filled with "cheaters".

Brodie Miller Scottsdale Sun-Herald

Since when does wearing contacts or glasses elevate your level of play....from what I understand they bring you on an even keel with those of us with perfect vision? I find it hard to believe you can compare fixing a "disability" to injecting yourself with steroids to elevate yourself above everyone else.

The bottom line is that you could argue this for years....there's no way to prove a negative, that somebody didn't do something.

Brent Nelson Mark McGwire Enthusiast

Are you saying wearing glasses doesn't elevate your level of play? If I go out there, with 20/600 vision, you can sure as hell bet that my level of play will be elevated when I put glasses on. Wearing glasses or contacts elevates your level of play based on where you would be "naturally".

There has never been an "even keel" of a playing field. If there were, everyone would have to be clones of each other. Some people will always have an advantage and some will always make an advantage for themselves. Everyone is different, has different abilities and different limits. If Giambi works out an hour more a day than Eric Davis, does that mean Giambi is getting an unfair advantage? If someone has a family, and they spend time with them, instead of in the cages, is that an unfair advantage? Should there be limits on how hard people can work, to maintain an "Even Keel"?

It's true that you can never prove that these players didn't do anything. This is why this whole “guilty until proven innocent” thing is a load of crap. This will be argued for years, but I really don't think anyone has made a good point to keep these players out of the Hall, if their stats merit inclusion.

Brodie Miller Scottsdale Sun-Herald

You cannot possibly compare wearing glasses to enhancing your level of play by shooting yourself up with steroids. There is a huge difference between the two. I did not mean that every player in the league was on an even keel, obviously they aren’t otherwise there would be no competition in baseball whatsoever, but using glasses arguably can bring players vision on an even keel with that of the rest of the players.

Regardless if using steroids back then was legal or not there still will be a shroud around the players in the league that were big home run hitters in that era no matter if you like it or not. Society can accept a player that uses acceptable artificial enhancements, such as glasses to enable him to correct his vision. They understand this. They realize that there is not any scientifically proven skill or work ethic a player can ever participate in to correct his vision. What they don’t understand is using a quick fix to help correct other physical shortcomings such as being weak by using an artificial substance. A player can improve his physical abilities by working out more and putting the time in the gym. Arguably he still won’t be even with everyone, but at least that player’s abilities are based on just that, his OWN abilities and not the amount of substance in a vial.

Your argument saying it wasn’t illegal at the time has no bearing at all on the Hall of Fame voting. The rules specifically state that “voting shall be based upon the player's record, playing ability, INTEGRITY, sportsmanship, CHARACTER, and contributions to the team(s) on which the player played.” You can’t say that with all the allegations being thrown around that some reporters will question McGwire’s character and integrity. Reporter’s have every right to weigh such factors in their voting. Also you may argue that regardless, based on McGwire’s stat’s he should be in, but voting cannot be based simply on stats alone since the rules also state, “no automatic elections based on performances such as a batting average of .400 or more for one (1) year, pitching a perfect game or similar outstanding achievement shall be permitted.” So it may be sad that a player like McGwire is caught up in all this, but ultimately illegal or not such allegations may keep him out of the Hall.

Brent Nelson Mark McGwire Enthusiast

"What they don’t understand is using a quick fix to help correct other physical shortcomings such as being weak by using an artificial substance."
I didn't realize you spoke for all of society and what they can or cannot understand. That's interesting, because as part of society, I find steroid use perfectly acceptable. I guess we're part of two different societies.

"You cannot possibly compare wearing glasses to enhancing your level of playby shooting yourself up with steroids."

I already did. There are different reasons to do both, but they are similar. If one person has better vision than you, wouldn't you want as good of vision as him, if not better? If one person has better genetics than you, wouldn't you want to do what it takes to make your body chemistry as good as his, if not better?

"Regardless if using steroids back then was legal or not there still will be a shroud around the players in the league that were big home run hitters in that era no matter if you like it or not."
I agree, there is a cloud of distrust, but there shouldn't be. Is there distrust for the pitching records created during the 50's and 60's because of scuffing the ball? No. Why should this era be any different?

"Arguably he still won’t be even with everyone, but at least that player’s abilities are based on just that, his OWN abilities and not the amount of substance in a vial."
As with most people, you have a very simple view of how steroids work. Just injecting yourself does not in itself make you huge. Otherwise we'd have mammoth people walking all over the place. What it does do is give you a little extra boost and helps you recover quicker, which allows you to work out more. The same thing can be said of rest. People need to understand that you still have to have your fitness and nutrition in order to get the most out of steroids. They do help, I won't deny that. But they're not the end all; cure all that some people make them out to be. I don't see Hulk Hogan or HHH hitting 500 homers. But maybe my glasses aren't fitting right.

"The rules specifically state that “voting shall be based upon the player's record, playing ability, INTEGRITY, sportsmanship, CHARACTER, and contributions to the team(s) on which the player played.'"
I understand that and made that argument. As Ken pointed out, integrity is a judgment call. As is character. You (and the rest of your society) can say McGwire had neither. I say he did. I look at steroids as an extension of gym work, along with post-workout shakes, meal replacements and the such. I think McGwire showed great reverence when he broke Maris's record and treated that situation fantastically. Again, these are strictly judgment calls, and I am of the opinion that steroids do not equal bad integrity and character. What about Drysdale, Ruth, and Perry? All Hall of Famers. Ruth used an illegal bat. Perry and Drysdale were spitball pitchers. Do you think they show integrity and character with those moves?

I agree with you that this could, in theory, keep McGwire out of the Hall, but that doesn't make it right. He has done nothing wrong (and we're going on the word of a jealous Jose Canseco). Yet, we're already tarnishing his image. It's sad and undeserved. McGwire is Hall of Fame material.

Brodie Miller Scottsdale Sun-Herald

You obviously misunderstood what I was saying. I was not speaking for all of society, but I do believe the MAJORITY of society would have that viewpoint. I was trying to just show you that there are other very valid viewpoints to the whole steroid thing.

I do believe that steroids are illegal now. I do believe that legislators make laws. I also believe that legislators are elected by the majority of society. I didn't see any law made prohibiting glasses. Therefore it is a pretty logical assumption that the majority of society does not view a steroid user and someone of high integrity and character in the same person.

The whole point with the vision thing is that you are not getting BETTER vision you are getting the SAME vision as everyone else. You totally didn’t even address that fact.

Maybe if I analogized my arguments to the level of Simpson’s or Saved by the Bell you would've understood………

Brent Nelson Mark McGwire Enthusiast

Maybe I did misunderstand, by taking direct quotes from you. Yes, yes, I see how that works.

I see there are other viewpoints and it's great that people have them. They're just flawed on this issue. You can argue (heaven for bid someone lighten it up with a reference to pop culture!) all you want, but it's not going to convince me.

"I do believe that steroids are illegal now."

Correct. We agree here.

"I do believe that legislators make laws."
Again, I have no argument here.

"I also believe that legislators are elected by the majority of society."
This is fascinating. It's like Civics class all over again!

"I didn't see any law made prohibiting glasses."

I don't think anyone ever made this claim, but whatever.

"Therefore it is a pretty logical assumption that the majority of society does not view a steroid user and someone of high integrity and character in the same person."
Wow. That is quite a leap there. OK, now let me make sure I follow exactly what you're saying, because I don't want to "take your words out of context". You're saying that...

a) The people elect the legislators
b) The legislators then make the laws
c) The majority of people then agree with these laws
d) If you break these laws, you do not have high integrity and character.

This seems to be the logic and argument you're making. This is fine. But I sure see a hell of a lot of people driving (over the speed limit, set by those trusty legislators) who have low integrity and no character. For shame. I hope the all get smitten to hell for breaking that law that the people I elected made! For shame! I can hardly be in the same room as those bastards! They make me want to throw up!!
"The whole point with the vision thing is that you are not getting BETTER vision you are getting the SAME vision as everyone else. You totally didn’t even address that fact."
Prove it. My vision with contacts is 20/15. Normal vision is 20/20. My vision without contacts is 20/600. Contacts can correct vision up to 20/10. How is that not better? But regardless of that fact, the point is that you're taking something that doesn't occur naturally and using it to your advantage, whether it's to make yourself even with people or push yourself over the top. That point is irrelevant.

It's like that episode of Saved by the Bell, when Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills. She was using them so she could get better grades than the other kids, so she could get into a better college. Is that cheating? Should Harvard not let her in, because she wasn't trying to use the pills to stay awake long enough to get the same grades as the other kids, she was using them to stay awake longer and study better?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Is it "natural"?

Is it natural to go to the gym at 5 in the morning to lift weights?

Is it natural to take cortisone shots just to stop the pain of walking?

Is it natural to run so hard and fast that you throw up?

Is it natural to put plastic on your eyes so you can see?

Is it natural to take protein in supplement form?

Is it natural to take vitamins in capsule form?

Is it natural to take a ligament from one arm and use it to fix the other arm?

Is it natural to suture the skin on the sides of a tendon down to the deep tissue under it, thus creating an artificial sheath to prevent the tendon from snapping against the bone?

Is it natural to wear gloves to protect your hands?

Is it natural to see how much weight you can strap on your back and lift it?

Is it natural to run wind sprints with a parachute off your back?

Is it natural to have your blood taken to diagnose what supplements will help you personally?

Is it natural to have surgery to heal a broken bone?

Monday, February 14, 2005

Why Mark McGwire shouldn't be in the Hall...

So, you're not going to be voting for Mark McGwire because of what he may or may not have done. That's fantastic. I understand that you said if more information comes out you're less inclined to vote for him. This is great, if sloppy reasoning is a great reason to keep someone out of the Hall of Fame.

Some Hall of Fame voters are talking about not voting for Mark McGwire due to the revelations in Jose Canseco’s new book. There seems to be two main points why they are saying he shouldn’t be in the Hall: He’s a cheater and cheaters should not be enshrined and what he did was illegal and wrong (which is similar to the first argument but its still being said in a different context).

In the following, I will present arguments to refute the claims put forward by these sportswriters. For full disclosure, I should mention that I am a huge Mark McGwire fan, I adopted the number 25 as my own number because of him and I have contemplated naming my first child Mcgwire. All that being said, here it goes…

1. He’s a cheater and cheaters shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame…

So, you wouldn't have voted for Don Drysdale, Gaylord Perry, Babe Ruth or Ty Cobb to be enshrined in the Hall of Fame? Whether they knew it or not, all of these players bent the rules in their favor. Drysdale and Perry were known to doctor the ball so well, Drake Ramoray couldn’t bring it back to life. Babe Ruth used a laminated bat, which was, and is, illegal. Ty Cobb was known to sharpen his spikes and go “spikes up” when he went into second base. But apparently, these “cheaters” are good enough for the Hall. We’re just really selective on which “cheaters” are allowed in.

We can't have anyone who had a competitive advantage over anyone else, can we? I believe some Hall of Famers used contacts and glasses to be able to see the ball. If they hadn't used those, they wouldn't be there. Those men sound like “cheaters” to me. Get them out!

What about Tommy John surgery? I believe that anyone who had Tommy John surgery shouldn't be in the Hall, because players of yesteryear may have been better had they had the medicine we have today. Wait, why stop at Tommy John surgery? If anyone had any sort of medical procedure that was unavailable to players at the turn of the century, they shouldn't be allowed in. Yes, that should be one of the prerequisites for the Hall.

So, the Hall is filled with “cheaters” and people who used “modern medicine” to improve their ability to play baseball. What makes them different from Mr. McGwire? It doesn’t make any sense.

2. What he did was illegal and wrong…

Now, let's take it a step further. Even though there were no rules against steroids at the time in MLB (before you bring US regulations in this, there are plenty of "laws" that are broken everyday by everyone, so that's not an accurate argument. If you’re saying someone who gets a speeding ticket shouldn’t be admitted to the Hall, you’re an idiot, but at least you’re a consistent idiot) we're going to hang him for this?

Play along for a second; let's say they make wearing batting gloves illegal this year, because it offers the batter too much advantage. Now, everyone who has ever worn a batting glove, though it was perfectly legal at the time, has all their records banned, because of what is illegal now. Does that make sense to you? That's essentially the argument you're making!

It's like on the episode of the Simpson's with Stampy, Bart's elephant. The prices were originally $1 to see the elephant and $2 to ride it. Then, Homer jacked up the prices to $100 to see it and $200 to ride it, when he found he couldn't afford to feed it.

Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. Van Houten: Yes, but we paid you $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 more that you owe me.
Mr. Van Houten: Get off our property.

Does that argument make sense to you? Are you the Homer Simpson of sportswriters on this issue? I hope not.

Because McGwire has garnered our respect and deserves to be enshrined in the Hall, regardless of his "cheating". Even if he did do steroids, they were not illegal and, even if they were, the Hall is filled with "cheaters". I don’t see any harm in adding one more, who redefined the game and saved it from the disgrace it became after the strike.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Apprentice IV

Did anyone else see the size of the hoops on Audrey’s earrings in the beginning? I think we all know what that means! I’m just sayin’…

Words I was praying to God I would hear soon “Let’s make this vegetable porno the best vegetable porno we can possibly make, with a gay twist.” Thank you Michael, for making one man’s dream into a reality. Ahhh…good, clean, fun, gay-related humor.

“I do everything myself because I know when I do things myself, they turn out a lot better.” Hmmm…inflated ego…check. Overbearing sense of self-worth…check. Words that you’re going to come back and regret saying…check.

I think a special shout needs to go out to the actress who bitched out Cher. Seriously. Way to try to extend your 15 minutes of fame by ripping on the people who picked you to be on the commercial. Do you think her “agent” had her doe this? And by agent, I of course mean the man who hangs out by the 7/11 with no pants on, yelling obscenities at the pigeons. I think her career arc is about at the peak right now.

Not happy…population: Audrey. Smoking hot…population: Audrey. Nothing like a pissed off hot girl to drive ratings. I’m going to own this fact. I like Audrey more and more each time she opens her mouth. She’s blunt, like a kitchen knife. Spicy.

“You both sucked.” Nice. You gotta like that. At least he didn’t pick one of the teams to be the winner. “You both sucked, but in another, more accurate way, Magna sucked more”. They were both awful. I think we could have had third graders make a better commercial.

“Hi, my name’s Tana. Please attach a saddle to my back and ride me in a race. It’s what I am bred to do.”

Just because you multi-task and do a whole bunch of things crappy, doesn’t mean you should bring up how good you are at multi-tasking. I can juggle knives while walking and chewing gum, just not very well.

Audrey kicked so many asses in the boardroom. That was awesome. She was like Will Clark in there. The strong silent type, until you need to make the point, and then you start ripping it up and keeping everyone in line. Fantastic.

My prediction for a winner after week 4: Still Kendra. I am officially on the Audrey bandwagon though and I would like to subscribe to her newsletter.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Aimlessness II...

Do you think your brain explodes in outer space? I was always under the impression that the brain imploded, due to the crushing pressure. I always picture it like someone crushing an aluminum can. That would be your brain when it gets to space. That's something I picture all the time. Something else I picture all the time is if everything on land and everything in the sea switched places. So, all the sudden, gorillas are the sharks and the sharks are the people. And Shamu would get all the ladies and he'd probably drive a hummer H2 and go fishing off the side of his huge boat, trying to catch a squirrel big enough to take home and grill up for his babies, because he mated with an octopus named Thelma, who is a beast of a woman but she can build a cake with the best of them. But I haven’t sorted it all out yet.

A few nights ago, someone brought E-Dub to a party. But they said "I had to settle for Evan Williams." Settle? Settle!?!? Did God "settle" for Moses? Hell no! He went out, picked out the best firkin’ prophet out there and made that bearded mofo part the damn Red Sea!! Same thing with Evan Williams. Kentucky went out, got the best damn liquor you can make, bottled that sucker up and undersold that overpriced, over-hyped Jack Daniels. And that's the truth!! You can put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Just because: Phil Krnjeu

Ahhh...Evan Williams and Vicodin aka "The Brett Favre Special". Spicy. I heard Favre was popping Vicodin like they were astronaut ice cream. Since you were talking about astronaut ice cream I want to throw in my two cents; it pretty much rules all, but why is it all Neapolitan? Are they trying to make us believe that all astronauts like all three flavors and none of them like just one? Or do they share and swap? I can't believe that they all like the same though. Maybe that's one of the requirements to being an astronaut, right after being 5'5" but before having a super inflated ego. But what do I know?

Did you see the Huskers recruiting class? Seems Callahan can do something right, besides alienating an entire Super Bowl team and one of the most loyal college football fan bases in the country. The Huskers should be a ton better this year. Callahan needs to bench Dailey. They can't have him playing QB again. Try to move him to receiver if you want him out there or possibly designated" trick play holder" for field goals and extra points. Wouldn't that be great if a team did have a dedicated “trick play holder”? But the other teams never notice, and every time he comes out, there's a fake. "Man, they did a fake again! I don't believe it! How can we tell? They're too good!!" Spicy. The RB they signed looks awesome. Hopefully he won't go and rape someone now. Same with the rest of the recruits in general. That should be the first lecture. "Scoring TD's = good. Raping girls = bad. Any questions?"

Might as well: David Shuler

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Timberwolves III - How to Fix the Season

As we’ve all noticed, the Timberwolves have fallen below .500. How did this happen? How can a team who had one of the best records in the NBA last year, who returned the same team (less Gary “Pornstache” Trent), be so below average this year? I don’t think it’s really that difficult to see why they are doing as bad as they are, the question is…are they doing to do anything to fix it?

There are three main reasons the Timberwolves have fallen off this year: Michael Olowokandi, position chemistry, and the downward spiral of Sam Cassell. There is a corrective measure that can be taken to fix each of these problems, if Flip and McHale would just realize it. This is still a team capable of moving into the Finals this year. All they have to do is make a couple of moves.

Problem 1: Michael Olowokandi He is a cancer. I feel like Peter, spreading the gospel to anyone who will listen. I’ve been convinced of this since halfway through last season. A fun little game to play is to see which Kandi has more of, passes or fouls. Amazing.

Solution 1: They have to get rid of Kandi. Much like cancer, he is spreading his negative attitude and lackadaisical play to the rest of the team. They need to lop him off before he affects anyone else. Trade him. For anything. For nothing. It doesn’t matter! If someone offers you a dollar off a Big Beef Burrito from Taco Bell coupon, jump at the opportunity. If the worst comes to be, you need to cut him. Take the salary cap hit. Then, go and sign someone who is willing to play defense and rebound (and was acquitted of manslaughter) for the veteran minimum. Hell, put Ebi out there in Kandi’s spot. All I can do is hope and pray that Kandi goes Artest on someone and fixes the problem himself. Because I don’t think McHale is going to do anything about him.

Problem 2: Position Chemistry This has been a problem since Wally came back. Flip is putting too many “scorers” out there. And by “scorers”, I obviously mean people who only want to shoot the ball, not play defense at all and only care what their final stats look like (Yeah, I’m looking at you Cassell and Sprewell). Flip is not mixing in his role players like he did last year.

Solution 2: They need to keep a consistent mix of defenders and offensive players on the floor at all times. If this means not playing someone with a big ego (we’ll get to you in a second Cassell), then don’t play them. You’re paying them either way. Just putting the big money guys in the line-up does not produce wins. Here is the starting line-up I would use:

PG: Anthony Carter
SG: Latrell Sprewell
SF: Wally Szerbiak
PF: Kevin Garnett
C: Ervin Johnson

You have three scorers out there, plus two excellent defenders. You have Johnson out there, who doesn’t bring anything to the table but at least he doesn’t steal anything from it.

For substitutes, you need to keep a good defensive balance. Madsen and John Thomas are the subs for Ervin. All three of them are interchangeable, though I’d start Madsen if he weren’t hurt. At all times, you must have 2 of these 4 on the floor: KG, AC, Eddie Griffin and Trenton Hassell. When KG is taken out, you need to have all three in. Troy Hudson will be the first sub off the bench for AC and Cassell is demoted to third string. Hoiberg also comes in for Spree as a change of pace guy, who can D up a bit. All of this eliminates the selfishness and makes sure that we have enough people on the floor that can play defense. It will work.

Problem 3: The Downward Spiral of Sam Cassell How did he fall so far, so fast. Not since Ben Affleck went from Goodwill Hunting to Gigli, has someone dropped so miserably. Sam could never play defense, which was always fine in the past. He made up for it with his scoring and playmaking ability. But now he has become a below average shooter. Sure, he can still light it up, but the 10 point nights are becoming more common than the 23 point nights. And 10 points with no defense is not good enough to start in the NBA.

Solution 3: Bench Sam Cassell. Put him as your third sting. Trade him if someone still believes he has something in the tank. He has nothing left to offer this team, except a bad attitude and an inflated ego. Cassell learned from Kandi; he’s bringing nothing to the table and when you get there, he’s made off with all the rolls (maybe to feed Spree’s kids, I don’t know). He needs to be a player that plays about 10 minutes a night and if his shot is falling, let him play more. That’s it.

If Flip and Kevin follow this advice, we’re going to be watching the Wolves move deep into May and possibly June. If they don’t heed my words of wisdom, we’re going to be arguing over who McHale should take with their lottery pick next year, because this team is not going to be playoff bound. Let’s go guys. As Spike Lee would say…”Do the right thing!”

If this sounds almost identical to How to Fix the Season I, it’s because it it. Why won’t they listen to me??

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Menards 11% off...

So, Menards has a promotion going where if you clip one of their coupons you get 11% off of anything in the store. This is apparently a pretty big promotion. Their newest commercial features some guy who gets so excited when he finds the coupon, he runs to the store in his pajamas and then gets the Alex Rodriguez “I Can’t Believe This is Happening" Face when he realizes he has to walk all of his primo 11% off purchases back to his house because he forgot his truck. This commercial looks almost like Kevin Smith filmed it while he was filming Clerks. Yet, it was on during the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl! And that’s not even the strangest thing.

The strangest thing is “Why 11%”? Is that the stupidest thing you've ever heard? How in the world would they ever come up with a promotion to have an 11% off coupon, much less make it their biggest promotion in years? Who was the ad wizards left in charge while that decision was made? Do you think the CEO stayed home one day to take care of his dog because he ate some bad steak, and when he came back in, he found that this was decided and had gone to the presses?

Or maybe they were sitting in a marketing meeting and some new guy with a bad tweed jacket goes "Hey, how about we have a coupon for…uh…like 10% off?"

Then, the Marketing Director looks right at Tweed Jacket and starts nodding his head slowly. “Yes. Yes. That’s good. I like that. I like it a lot. Tweed Jacket, that is a fantastic idea. But why stop at 10%? If America loves 10% off, and I’m sure they will, then they’ll go crazy for 11% off! It's 1% better! Kids will be telling their grandchildren about this day. We can have a parade, with streamers and mimes and possibly two people dressed up as the number 11!"

Tweed Jacket chimes in “…Because of the 11% off?”

The Director points at Tweed Jacket, “Exactly!”

Everyone stands up slowly. Tweed Jacket starts a slow clap. The others around the office join in as the clap starts to get faster and louder. Faster and louder, until the whole room is like Forbes Field during a Steeler’s game.

Then, some intern interrupts "Uh…What about 12%?"

The clapping immediately stops. There's dead silence in the room. Tumbleweed casually blows by, as the Director looks right at the intern. The Director bellows "Pack up your stuff and get the hell out of this building!"

The intern leaves and then they all celebrate with orange slices and Capri-Suns, as the Director mumbles to himself “11%. 11%. Yeeesssss!”

I’m pretty sure that one of those two things had to have happened. That and I assume the CEO is also that drunken old guy that used to be on their commercials. Now that was a pitchman. He was like the Michael Jordan of selling outdoor supplies. Spicy. Either way, this has to be about the stupidest marketing campaign since Pepsi had Michael Jackson try to sell soft drinks to little boys.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Sports Guy Intern Essay...

I think I should be the new Intern so I can be the Screech Powers to your Zack Morris. Sure, you’d probably like a nice A.C. Slater, Kelly Kapowski or, to a lesser extent, Mikey Gonzalez to be at your side. However, no one is going to be there for you like Screech.

When you need to bug the girls slumber party to hear what they’re saying about you, who are you going to ask? You’re not going to ask Mikey because he’s too busy trying to sell potatoes to help Miss Bliss recover from the “margin fiasco”. When you need someone to go the extra mile for you, Screech is there with running shorts on.

Who is your source when you need someone to hook you up a fake ID so you can get in “The Attic”? You can’t ask Slater because he can’t tear himself away from blathering incessantly about Jessie Spano. The only one you can trust to handle the responsibility of changing your identity is your boy Screech.

If you’re trying to “win” a free trip to Hawaii through the glee club, is Kelly going to make sure you bake in the sun? Hardly! She has the vocal talent of Britney Spears after four “Diver Down’s” and a pack of Swisher Sweets. No, the only man who’s willing to do anything to help you out is that “special” kid with the heart of gold, Screech.

Screech always makes sure the job gets done. (Please bear with me as I drive this theme home like Carlos Delgado) He might not be the flashiest guy out there, but he’ll do whatever is asked of him. When the links need to be out there to entertain the millions of SGW readers, Screech will make sure that amusement is provided even if he has to write with two pencils simultaneously. The most important thing is to make sure the readers (and the Sports Guy) are happy with the end product that is put out. Like Buddy Bands, your satisfaction is always guaranteed.

I am that Screech that needs and I can continue in the immense shoes of The Intern and will always serve…

The Few…The Proud…The Readers.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Apprentice III

Wow, Verna quit! No one saw that coming…except for the whole damn viewing audience. Talk about misleading commercials…”It’s not who you think it is…” if you’re someone who doesn’t watch the show. What a letdown. This was the TV equivalent of Y2K. So much hype, so much drama, and all of the sudden, you’re sitting in your basement with an oxygen tank and a can of pork ’n beans, waiting for the world to end, when the lights are all still on and nothing out of the ordinary is happening. That’s how I feel about this Verna quitting on the Apprentice.

Audrey is still super hot. She keeps getting hotter. This could be the equivalent of the 1993 Braves, coming back from 13 games behind the Giants. I can’t verbalize how shocking this is to me. No one saw this coming. She’s like Amanda Peet…except a hotter, less slutty version. Not that there’s anything wrong with being slutty.

Speaking of coming out of nowhere, where did this Stephanie girl come from? She’s looking like Christine Taylor and I haven’t even noticed her before? Am I losing it? Next thing you know, I’m going to have to put some sort of bungee contraption on my pants so I can find them when I wake up in the morning. If any other beautiful women appear on this show, I may just let the aliens abduct me…because I am serving no purpose here.

“Hi, my name is Tana. I look like a horse. Do not be mesmerized by my extra long face and prominent teeth. Continue on with your business”

Here’s a little hint Magna Corp…if you’re putting someone in charge because of their creativity…and in a previous task, they created the “throw a ball in the homeless man’s house” game…you may want to rethink that strategy. Next thing you know, they’re going to bring Verna back and put her in charge of team morale. It’s like watching student council in seventh grade. No one has any idea what they’re doing; all they know is that they want a vending machine in the cafeteria.

I sat there wishing and hoping that Michael was going to perform more tricks to go along with having the plate on his head. Some things I thought he could have done were; get a spoon to stick to his nose, some sort of yo-yo trick, or the ever popular, pull my finger gag.

Bren is quite the artist. Too bad NBC couldn’t show the other signs he created to go along with his “task 3 is going to hell sign”; “Michael is a doody head” (a drawing of Michael with poo on his head) and “I would do anything for Trump but I wouldn’t do that” (use you imagination).

“Hello, they call me Tana. Please try not to stare at my flared nostrils and flowing mane. Continue watching the show.”

So, Linda Cook won the 10,000 dollars. I have 2 predictions about Miss Cook. The money has already been spent on a combination of booze, heroin and Vicadin. She did not fill out any tax forms for her winnings, so once this airs the IRS will be on her tail.

They got mimes to appear at their event. Plus 10 points. Whose idea was that? All the juggling clowns on stilts busy for the day?

“Hi. My name is Tana. If you can, please ignore my four-legged stature and flopping tail. Do your best to concentrate on the view from the helicopter. Do not let me distract you.”

Sidenote: How does Paris Hilton have her own show and is now hosting SNL? Can anyone explain this to me? She has no talent. She’s known for being rich. That’s it. Then she made a sex tape which she helped leak to boost her career and now she is everywhere. She’s like the Starbucks of C-list celebrity. 10 years ago, you had to search for them. Now, you roll out of bed and there are two of them down in the kitchen and one of them in the bathroom. End Sidenote

I love how Michael got blindsided in the boardroom. Can you imagine what he was thinking while everyone was talking? It’s like your boss telling you he’s going to pay you for your work, then when you go to use the money in the bank, there’s nothing there. Well played.

I don’t know if Danny knows it or not, but when he went to boardroom, he had his hair in a ponytail. Might have just happened while he was walking. I don’t know. He might have slipped and stood up with his hair like that. One thing is for certain…white dudes in ponytails will not endear you to Mr. Trump. Were the tank top and dolphin shorts in the laundry ya stupid hippie?

“Michael, do you think you should be fired?”
“Ummm…no, I have exemption from being fired. Would you like to borrow a dictionary Mr. Trump?”

I wonder if Danny was thinking about bringing his imaginary friend Jorky into the boardroom with Michael, so that Danny would have been the only one who could have been fired. I like his strategy. Maybe he should go talk to the Crystal Pepsi people and try to work something out.

My prediction for a winner after week 3: Still Kendra. She’s the anti-Paris Hilton and is staying out of the spotlight. Sentimental favorites are Audrey and Stephanie. Hopefully no more super hot girls pop up next week, lest I have to retire my head to the kitchen over.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Dear George Costanza,

This is a little embarrassing because I’ve never written a letter like this before. It’s just that I feel such a kinship with you, it transcends all known boundaries. I feel like we have developed a closeness that very few humans can even describe. I am sure the feeling is mutual.

You are my favorite person in the world. I tried to initiate a fan club for you, but it seemed like a lot of work so I decided to make a pizza instead. I apologize. I also tried to talk to you at the bodega on the corner of 57th and Park, but some hoodlums used pepper spray on me and then kicked me in the ribs. They proceeded to laugh at me, but I mistook that as laughter towards the movie Dumb & Dumber, so I joined in with them. Only months later, when I replayed the incident in my mind, did I realize the folly in my ways. I was most embarrassed.

I used to live with my parents, just like you did! My mom was crazy, just like yours! One time, I brought a girl home and this girl was less than perfect. She had a peg leg, an eye patch and a seeing-eye dog, but I was going through a rough patch and no other ladies would give me the time of day. Did I mention this young woman was a hooker? My mom asked me if I was going to marry her! Can you believe that? Like I would ever marry someone who would treat a dog that way! They’re not here to be our servants, they’re here to play with us and smell each others butts!

I also used to sell real estate, just like you did. And by sell, I mean I used to sleep in an abandoned building that smelled like urine and I met someone named Bubba. He made me his girlfriend and I couldn’t escape until it was light out because Bubba would explode if he went in the light. Wait, that’s vampires that explode in the light. Gosh, I guess I wouldn’t have had to endure those years of torture if I would have figured that out earlier. Well, you live and you learn I guess.

Enclosed, you will find a 5x7 I took of you as you picked up the 1999 Lingerie issue of Playboy Magazine from Herb’s Service Station. Please sign it and send it back to me. I am your biggest fan!

Brent Nelson

Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Whatever happened to Crystal Pepsi?

How much fun is a barrel of monkeys? Does the ratio of monkey size to barrel size play any part in the equation? Do the monkeys have to be alive? Can you squeeze extra fun out of them by stuffing more barrels in the monkey? Is this the same barrel you shoot fish in?

Though the spork is a great invention, wouldn’t it be eight times better if it were called a foon?

What is the deal with Papa Smurf? Where was Mama Smurf? Did she run away when she had all those kids? Were they just created, kind of like the Toxic Avenger? Did Papa Smurf spank them when they were bad? And how were the Smurfs supposed to breed? Smurfette was the only female, so she would have to mate with all her brothers. Was that why the show was cancelled? Can’t they bring the show back to primetime in Smurfs: The College Years? Would anyone not want to watch Brainy Smurf get beaten up by the hockey team and Grouchy Smurf complain about his English Literature class? I can’t believe no one has done this yet!

For no reason: Akash Srivastava

How did Teri Hatcher make such a triumphant return from the dead? It’s like when you hit a deer on the side of the road and all four of it’s legs come off, you assume it can’t be alive. But all of the sudden, it’s using its stumps to move it over towards it’s legs and re-attach them. That’s Teri Hatcher.

Can you have too much ketchup with your French fries?

Whatever happened to the Metric system taking over the …um…current system we use that is not the Metric system (Go memory!!)? I remember back in third grade, there were rumors around that we were going to have to switch systems and I was scared like Nick Anderson at the free throw line. What became of that?

Just for the hell of it: Aaron Lee

Where did the phrase “cute as a bug’s ear” come from? Though bugs in general are cute, I doubt that their ears are any cuter than the rest of their body. To delve deeper into this, I attended the 1st annual “Bug’s Ear” conference held in Helsinki, Finland. To sum of the three days of presentations, it was discovered that the bug’s ear actually was cuter than the rest of the bug due to the intricate arching of the macaphibius glands. See, in the bug, the glands are swollen up to twice the normal size, which creates a flower effect, making the ear look like a rose. All in all, it was a very interesting weekend.

Can corn be your favorite food? Is that allowed? Has anyone ever answered the favorite food question with corn? Isn’t that like saying your favorite TV show is the Weather Channel or your favorite baseball player is Marty Barrett?

Is there anything that can happen out on the Strip in Vegas where you would be shocked it’s happening? If a naked midget walked by with a monkey on his shoulder and the monkey was juggling chainsaws, would you really bat an eye?

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Don't Follow the Trend...

If betting against the Patriots were a fashion statement right now, it would be plastered all over Ashton Kutcher’s head and Abercrombie & Fitch would be selling it for 45 dollars a pop. Just because it’s the trendy thing to do, it doesn’t mean it’s right, because pretty soon it will be in the back of your closet with your Hammer pants, white leisure suits and snap bracelets.

There have been several trendy teams throughout these playoffs and all of them have failed miserably. There is also one team that keeps chugging along, like a locomotive that is the antithesis of trendy. The New England Patriots is that team that is the locomotive and the Philadelphia Eagles are just the latest team to get caught in the cowcatcher.

Remember in round two when it was trendy to pick the Vikings? They had just come off of a dazzling win over the Packers at home and all of the sudden everyone and their uncle was taking bets on the Vikes. Seems people forgot that Brett Favre put on his Neil O’Donnell mask for the game, their running back was playing with an amputated leg and their Pro Bowl wide receiver was somehow subdued by the security guard that ended up starting in the Vikings secondary. The Vikings proceeded to walk into Philadelphia and get smacked around like the “very capable” Kenny B by Hulk Hogan in old-school WWF. (Do you remember those guys? They were always on Saturday morning. You had to sit through all the matches between the guy who starts in the ring, who was very capable, and the good guy. Then, at the end of the hour, you’d finally get to see the Rockers fight the Legion of Doom for the Tag Team Belt.) If you’re keeping score at home, that’s trend nothing.

The same week as the Vikings fiasco, everyone and their other uncle was parlaying the Vikings game with the Colts game at New England. I must admit, I was sucked into this bet. I didn’t realize Peyton Manning had received the torch FedEx from Dan Marino, so I thought the Colts still had a chance. The Patriots were starting a wide receiver in the secondary along with a guy named Gay! Manning had just set the record for TD passes in a season. If he was ever going to win a big game, this was the perfect set-up. It was like he was holding pocket 10’s and the flop came 3-10-10. There was no way he could mess it up! This is why the Colts became the trendy pick. Who cares if Brady has never lost in the playoffs? Does it matter that the defense has more heart than the Mayo Clinic? Apparently not to the sportswriters. They made the Colts the runaway pick. Alas, after two games the trend still has zero wins.

The Patriots are coming off a win in Pittsburgh against a team that was 15-1. This was not just a regular win. This was the kind of win you dream about. Dismantled them. That was the kind of game that left Roethlisberger feeling like DeNiro at the end of Deer Hunter. It just makes you hope that he’s okay. That’s how bad the Patriots destroyed this team, while the Steelers were at home and the Patriots were playing Wally the Beerman at nickel back in the second half.

The Eagles are coming off a win also. They subdued Mike Vick on a grass field while it was 16 degrees out. Gee Mike, is it tough to run when it’s that cold? So, you had to try to turn into Joe Montana, but let’s face it, you’re no Joe Montana. This was the same Falcons team that blew away the Rams, who were coached by Mike Martz. Do their stats impress you yet? Has anything I’ve said made you want to bet on them?

Then why are the Eagles all of the sudden the trendy pick to win the Super Bowl? Again, it’s just the sportswriters trying to drum up some columns and there can only be so many articles on how Terrell Owens is doing with his ankle. So, someone writes that the Eagles are going to win. And all the sudden, it’s like a Tsunami and it’s consuming everyone. Eventually, if it’s written enough, you begin to believe it’s true. You can only hear that Richard Gere gerbil story so many times before you start to believe it.

But don’t do it. The Eagles are just a mirage. The Patriots are going to win this game, just like they have consistently done in the playoffs since Brady has been there. There are always some sportswriters who want you to read their articles but you don’t have to believe them. As the playoffs have shown so far, the trendy pick is not the correct pick. Go with what you know and don’t bet on the Hula Hoop.

If you do believe the Eagles have what it takes to win, I have a pair of Zubaz and a trucker hat that you may also be interested in.

Final Score – Patriots 28 – Eagles 24