Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Line...

OK, so I'm seeing a girl named Alison right now (at least right this second...in an hour or so, that might be a different story). We met on Match.com. Now, she forwarded me an e-mail that some guy sent her. Remember, this is all there was...no name...no intro...nothing else:

ally you's a window shopper
Mad at me, I think I know why
ally you's a window shopper
In the jewelery store, looking at shit you can't buy
ally you's a window shopper
In the dealership, trying to get a test-drive
ally you's a window shopper
Mad as fuck when you see me ride by

Classic!! HOLLER!

So, my question; does this ever really work for this guy? And if it does...he has the greatest dating system in the world. And I also like his use of swearing. Nothing gets a girl hot like a random f-bomb when you first talk. I know from experience. That is all...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Open Letter to KA

Brother Holzhauser -

I must say, it certainly been a long time! From what I hear, you're still living in the house! Let the good times roll, right? Amen to that! Hail Satan! The attic is still the pliz-ace to biz-ee. Feel?

But reminiscing about the past isn't exactly what this letter is meant to accomplish (though we should spill some Crown Royale for the past. Can I get a HOLLER?). I've been intrigued by all of the correspondence I've been receiving regarding alumni relations with THE Kappa Alpha Order. I just feel that I haven't been as much a part of "the scene" as I should be!

Since I am currently living in Minnesota, it makes it hard for me to make it back to hang out and watch our mighty Redhawks take on the fearsome rivals that are Bowling Green. It's also difficult to come and participate in Hold'em Tournaments. But that doesn't mean I don't want to help.

Unfortunately, I am unable to make a monetary donation. Due to some bad advice from my financial planner, I worked out a contract that pays me in super bounce balls instead of US currency. I now see the folly of my ways, and would be happy to share my insights with any of the current members of THE Order.

I was also thinking of starting a THE Kappa Alpha Order - Epsilon Llambda - TC Alumni division. For all the members of THE Order of Miami who have moved to the Twin Cities. Though this might just be me, I will have the meetings on a thrice-monthly basis in my parents basement...aka where I live. I will be sure to forward you the minutes and send for approval any initiatives we pass.

You're more than welcome to attend any meeting you want. They will be held on the first three Mondays of the month, at 8 o'clock, during the commercial breaks of Prison Break. My mom will provide us with juice boxes (none of that Capri-Sun shit) and homemade Kosher Rice Krispie bars.

It's because of you that we've kept everyone in touch and I just want to help continue on with the tradition...and good workings...of THE Order.


Brother Nelson aka The Don

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Guest Blog: The Wedding Story w/director commentary

The following story comes from my esteemed colleague, Justin Petredis. Anything that is added in red is added by me, the director. If you don't know these people, you might not enjoy this story as much as I do. But, after reading it, I almost pulled a Lisa and needed a pair of Depends. About 4 of you got that joke. On to the Blog!!

OK. Here's the deal with Urbs. (This is all about Kevin Urban...who lives in Las Vegas. As a sidenote...Urban loves to get it on with girls who are wearing do-rags.)
Meets Kristen (Huber's date) at my wedding. (When asked if his date at the wedding was his girlfriend...Keith replied "Not really." When questioned further and asked if she thought he was her boyfriend, Huber replied, "Probably." So...facts, shmacts) When everyone goes to Splitsville (you were there right?) (indeed I was at Splitville...physically) he talks with her for 2 hours or so alone (technically, I was passed out at the table for part of that time) , and both drunk. They don't exchange numbers, emails, they don't kiss. That is it. Or so he thought. Plus she had a boyfriend (who wasn't named Keith Huber) of 6 years who lived with her.

He tries to get a hold of her, and she is trying to get a hold of him. (Mmmm...Fatal Attraction. Plus, Kevin is fun...but not fun enough to try to get ahold of for months) They finally talk, FOR HOURS, about how much they loved talking to each other. (An interesting and well thought out topic of conversation. Many a relationship have been built on this tenent) How much they dig each other. Etc. (They probably also talked about how hard it was to talk when they were blasted off rum at the wedding...the only other time they have ever spoken) Then she says she just broke up with her boyfriend. (Nice) Now I have conflicting stories. One is it was a concidence. (Bullshit) Another is that it was b/c that 2 hour conversation with Kevin was more interesting that 6 years with her boyfriend (I like that one more). (That has to send that old boyfriend to the razors) But apparently neither can remember what they talked about, just that they really enjoyed it. (I remember bits and pieces...but I could be making it up. I also remember running into a Puma that night...but again, bad memory)

And now it gets real good. She is going to visit him. (Hell yes!) For the entire Thanksgiving weekend. (Ummm...that's a looooong first date) This will be the first time they will have talked while sober in person. (Urban doesn't talk about anything besides the Riz and sports) I assume she is staying with him. (What an awkward situation) Huber and I plan to harass them then entire weekend with phone calls. (A very noble idea) Feel free to do the same. (Done and done...hope we got extra weekend minutes that month mom)

Also Kevin tells me, although this is not certain, that she is thinking of moving out there in April. (Yes, this sounds like a good idea. Well, I can't say too much. I've been seeing a girl for two weeks and am contemplating asking her to move to KC when I move. If things are still going as well as they are in a month. Which they probably won't be. Off Topic!!) What??!?!? Yes, that's right.

Then last night it all got even better. (Impossible!) How you ask? (You read my mind) Well, settle down and I will tell you: (Thank Allah!)

I get a call from a number I don't recognize. Answer it, its Kristen. She's pissed. (That sounds like fun...that's why I don't answer the phone unless I know the number. But no one calls me anyway. Back to the story) Asks why have I been telling people she was my high school girlfriend. I say I never have. ( I told everyone we went on a few days over a couple/few weeks, then went to a dance as friends, which is the truth). (That is the truth...that's what the Trete said. He also told me in confidence that he rounded first base and was at second base with her. But that was in confidence. So don't tell anyone) She says she heard it from a reliable source. (Urban). (Urban is not reliable. He...um...lies) I deny it again. She says, "OK, just checking up on you" (whatever that means) and hangs up. Whole conversation, approx. 39 seconds. Good times. (Checking up on what? I mean, if she were smoking hot, maybe you'd lie about going out with her. Or if she had a Guiness World Record in DVDA, you might mention you had dated her, but she';s just some girl who is falling for...Urban?)

So now apparently Urban is selling me out by telling lies to that whore, and for whatever reason, this really pisses her off. (Apparently she's had enough of the Britney and K-Fed baby stories and she wants something else to harp on) Why she cares about high school is beyond me. (I went to high school!) But there it is. Now you are up to date. And I will keep you informed.

I just wrote him an email calling him out, and telling him to tell that "slut to lose my number" which he will no doubt forward to her, so this may lead to more phone calls and bridges burned. I can't wait. (And I'm sure your little screenplay with director commentary won't help the matter. Well played Mr. Trete...well played indeed)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


It was noon and the phone rang. I had gotten up about 15 minutes ago and Alison had left about 5 minutes ago. I looked at the caller ID and the name was no surprise. Since my mom is about the only person with the number to this house (besides the people that keep calling to offer an upgrade on DirecTV), the odds are it was her.

I picked up the phone and answered sleepily, "Casa de Brent...Brent Nelson speaking."

"So, what's new at the Casa de Brent?" my mom inquired.

"Well, nothing too much. You'll probably here this from dad when you talk to him later, but Alison spent the night last night."

"So, how'd that go?"


"No...how'd that go??"

"Uhhh...what are you getting at here...mom?"

"You know what I mean."

A million images flashed through my mind. I really had no idea how to answer. Did she want the truth? Were there supposed to be details involved? How graphic was I supposed to get...talking on the phone...with my mom...about sex?

I sighed deeply, "Yeah...we didn't."

"Well, is something wrong with you?"

And then, my face spontaneously combusted and my soul tried to escape my body through the gaping wound where my head used to be.

"Hello? Brent? What's wrong with you?"

Ahhh...the start of another perfect Sunday...

Monday, November 07, 2005

The Pi Effect...

Here are 3.1415 things I was thinking about on the Hohn (that's John...in Spanish) today...

1) The turn-around on The Show To Be's "Hey Jerky, What's Your Beef" has been both epic and astounding. I think it rivals Moses lasting all 40 days of the flood and the 1993 Braves catching the San Francisco Giants for the pennant. Maybe it's all my tireless campaigning and annoying all my friends with e-mails. Maybe it's because Pete has figured out it's pretty easy to delete the cookies and vote again. Or maybe, and I strongly think this is the real reason, just maybe, the Macho Man Randy Savage really wants me to snap into a Slim Jim. If this were sponsored by Slim Jim's. Which it's not. Either way, if we keep this up, I'm gonna have the biggest Jerky Party this side of the Mason-Dixon line! So, go vote for me!! Holler!!

2) Hi...Fred Smoot...you need to stop all that Jibber Jabber until you can learn to cover a one armed girl scout in a wheelchair. Yeah. Scottie Vines worked you yesterday. Who's Scottie Vines? Exactly! Hope you enjoy your time in the Federal-Pound-Me-In-The-Ass-Prison. (In the Kool-Aid Man Voice) Oh Yeah!!

3) I was accosted in the LifeTime locker room today and I barely survived. I feel just like Bambi, if Bambi had been mentally raped by some fat Asian dude in a green speed-o who walked with a limp and took about 15 minutes to walk 4 feet while staring at him the whole time. Yeah, me and Bambi have a lot in common...mentally.

.1415) On a scale of 1 to awesome, adding is an 8.

Peace it!!