Monday, December 28, 2009

Christmas Music...

So, during the holidays, Alison likes to listen to Christmas music on the radio. Which is fine. Whatever. We all have our drawbacks.

So, we were driving to the airport on the 26th and she was listening to Christmas music and I said:

"Man, every year, they start playing this stuff earlier and earlier..."

because they're already playing it for next yer. And then she punched me and I kept any further clever observations to my own person...

Friday, December 25, 2009

The Jerky Contest!

My dad reminded me this week that I was in a beef jerky contest a couple of years ago, so I decided to see if the link to it still works...and it does!

So...here you, though voting is done with...

Hey Jerky, What's Your Beef?

Classy guy I am...classy guy. I wish my nerds would have won it for me...instead, we got demolished:

Results

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Air Freshners?

I was driving behind a VW bug yesterday (I know...gross...who even has those?) and it had, not one, not two, but three (THREE!) of those pine tree air fresheners swinging about in the car. 3!

How can you possibly smell that bad that you need that many? I mean, you get in the car with one of those and you'll probably say, "Yikes...didn't realize we were going to Yosemite". They're strong...He-Man strong.

Yet this guy (yes...it was a guy driving the bug) had such terribly strong BO that he needed three! How many decomposing bodies were in his back seat?

I think if someone gets pulled over and they have more than one of those things in the car, it should be grounds to search the car for body parts, because they're definitely hiding something...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

7 times...

Yep...that's how many times I've watched Harry and the Hendersons since I won it at a Christmas party on Saturday. Man...I came out of there like aces in a fire!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

6 year old kills Santa??

Now THAT is the kind of article I want to read about!

Unfortunately, I read it wrong and it was actually:
Which, lets face it, is not really news...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Ugh...thanks Chanticlear

Last night, we ordered pizza for pick up from Chanticlear Pizza and when I went there, I was told that the delivery guy grabbed it and took it for a drive, but realized he grabbed the wrong one when he got to the deliver house. So, the pizza we ordered at 5 pm and was done at 5:15, was given to us at 5:55. Mmmm...nothing like luke-warmish pizza...gross.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The e-mail vault:

Today, I went back to the beginning of my e-mail account to pull an e-mail exchange and see if it was funny. It wasn't....but here it is:

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004
8:54:18 AM
Subject: Mario Kart

Any chance you still have my copy of super mario kart from
school and want to mail it back to me?

From: Will
To: Brent
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004
9:38:28 AM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

yes, i'll be shipping that and all your transformers back to you next
week...idiot

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004
12:21:18 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

maybe you can ship back that Ozzie Timmons rookie card too…

From: Will
To: Brent
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004
3:05:47 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

i'd have to go back to the future to snatch that ozzie timmons
"future stars" topps traded rookie card....man that i hate

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 27, 2004
6:25:30 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

did I leave a penny in your room a couple of years ago? Any way
you could send it back to me?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dear Vault Zero,

You, sir, are no Diet Mountain Dew. Not at all.

Nor are you even a Mello Yello, or a Surge.

You are not even a Diet Mountain Fury nor a Diet Mountain Lightning nor a Diet Mountain Mist.

You are repugnant. I can't stand you. Why oh why do I keep giving you a chance and everytime you scorn me?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Well...

at least it got above zero yesterday.

No...wait...it didn't. I forget how cold it is in the winter until it's actually here. And when it's actually here, I want it to leave. Kind of like if you have a party and invite Ted Danson. At first you think, "Man, that's going to be fun. Ted Danson is coming to my party!"

Then, 3 am rolls around, everyone is gone, except for Ted Danson. And you just can't get him to leave. And all he keeps doing is talking about Whoopi being "The one that got away." until you just want to clobber yourself in the face with a printer...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Shorts Maly on Modern Family

So, I'm watching Modern Family on ABC (and let's face it, who isn't?) and one of the characters reminds me of one of my friends from college. His facial expressions. His overall general appearance. The inflection of his voice.

So, without further ado, I present Shorts Maly, as played by Phil Dunphy, as played by Ty Burrell:

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sometimes...

people just need to put 1,000 pounds onto a four-wheeler at 2 in the morning and try to drive it across a "frozen" pond...I'm just sayin'...

Friday, December 11, 2009

You know what gets my goat? Besides Ted Danson...

When stores/etc ask you for a donation when you're checking out. I mean, if I want to contribute to a charity, I contribute to a charity.

I don't need to send a bag of coffee beans to the soldiers.

I don't even know if the soldiers want coffee.

And if they do want coffee, who's to say they want Caribou coffee?

And if they do want Caribou coffee, who's to say you sent the right kind?

So, basically, by trying to shame me into giving you money to send beans to the soldiers, you could be giving them something they don't really want (like a tent) or something that's the wrong kind (like baseball cards instead of football cards) and all it's really going to do is make them mad and your "nice gesture" has turned into an insult.

Because you're basically sending them garbage that they're just going to throw away, all because you had to try to make me feel like a d-bag for not donating to your "beans for soldiers" campaign.

I might as well take that dollar bill, spit on it, and lend it to Ted Danson for all the good it's going to really do in the world.

Now, you might have realized that I went to Caribou Coffee yesterday and they're running this "Beans for Soldiers" campaign.

If you haven't heard about it, they send...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Is Avatar going to be like Ishtar?

Short answer...yes.

300 million dollars for Avatar? And it looks like a bunch of blue weird looking blobs? Why would I go to see this? At least Ishtar had Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty in it.

The preview for Avatar is terrible, at best. I'm not saying it's going to be the worst movie ever (you can keep that title Tropic Thunder), but it looks like a cheap version of those old Star Trek movies. Which might being in Trekkies, but I just can't see this movie making back it's money.

Then again, I really liked Fled, so I'm not the expert here...

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Another bumper sticker...

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I don't get bumper stickers. I don't get them at all. Why do you put them on your car? Seriously.

I saw this one today and was a little stunned. I mean really, what do you do here? Is this for real?

Do you give them the thumbs down, meaning, "I don't condone murder". Or do you just frown at them when you roll by, in sympathy? What are they looking for you to do?

I honked at them, because that frickin' loser didn't know what a green light meant...

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Purity Made Simple Directions

So, Alison has this facial cleanser called "Purity made simple" and I was reading the directions for it (I do not lie...these are word for word the directions).
directions: at the end of each day or at the beginning of each morning, take a small amount of purity made simple, a little water and massage onto skin for 30-60 seconds. rinse. take a leisurely pace when washing yourself clean. cleanliness is a new beginning. when you feel clean you can begin being who you really are.
A simple "wash your face with this stuff" wouldn't suffice? It's like getting directions to a hotel from from Ted Danson...

Monday, December 07, 2009

Jersey Bore?

Man, I think I might have totally Waterboyed the show Jersey Shore.

We watched the 2 hour premiere over the weekend and it was okay. I mean, sure, there was some fist pumping and a fight (and they showed a preview where snickers gets punched in the face at a club) but overall, it was pretty slow.

I hope it improves. I mean...I'm not going to stop watching. It's not like it's the Real World Brooklyn or something terrible like that. But...I set my sights too high...

Friday, December 04, 2009

Deal of the Century!

Alright, now you all know I'm a sucker for a deal (example A and example B and Example C) but I think (think) I've found something like the Punch Drunk Love deal, but not. I mean...nothing is that good of a deal.

Anyway, at Rainbow this week, if you guy 6 boxes of General Mills cereal, you get $10 off the purchase. And it just so happens that Reese's Puffs is my cereal of choice at the moment.

Some quick math:

6 boxes of Reese's Puffs: $24.54
After $10 discount: $14.54
Less $1.00 coupon for buying at least 3 boxes (different coupon): $13.54

Then, on each of the boxes, there is a deal where if you guy two boxes, you get 1 free movie ticket (up to a $12 value).

So, with 6 boxes, that's 3 movie tickets (and movie tickets are as good as cash in this house)

Which means $13.54 less $36.00 which gives me a grand total of: -$22.46

So, basically, they just paid me $22.46 to take 6 boxes of Reese's Puffs off their hands.

Pretty sure I might make one more run at this if I can find space for all these boxes of cereal!

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Why?

I think I might be the laziest person in the world. Alison wants lights on our deck and I don't want to do it. I did it the first year we were in our house. It was terrible. Then, two years ago, I just threw them on the deck in a big ball, which wasn't too hard, but Alison didn't appreciate it as much as I did. Last year, I didn't do anything and it was the best, but Alison's happiness was exactly opposite of my glee.

So, this year she wants the lights out there again and I really, really, really don't want to. So...you know what that means...

We'll have the lights out there sometime this week...

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Fishsticks and Tator Tots and Strawberry Quick!

Well, I'd prefer some chocolate rain, but who's going to mess with that combo??

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Charlie Weiss is a Lesbian Rodney Dangerfield?

So, I was reading about Charlie Weiss being fired from Notre Dame and they had the following picture in the article:



I couldn't look away. It was like a train-wreck. It looks like Rodney Dangerfield had an affair with a lesbian golf pro. Seriously...that body is disturbing at best...

Monday, November 30, 2009

It's fake...

but it's still faaaan-tastic!

We got our tree up over the weekend and the $12.99 tree has yet to disintegrate. However, there still is time. I feel like it's an Old Navy shirt, the second I bought it, it's on a countdown until it falls apart and that countdown clock is shorter than Kelly Osbourne's face...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Merry Thanksgiving....

Merry Thanksgiving all...and much thanks to the football gods for helping my fantasy team continue their amazing push for the playoffs (or not...)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Everybody gets a trophy day?

So, glancing at my SPAM to make sure nothing important crept through, I found out that I was up for a Certificate of Achievement from the USA Honor Society!


That's right...a certificate, with no cost to me, that catalogs my achievements, whether that achievement involves Nurses, Cooks, Doctors, Lawyers, Crafters, Photographers, Work-from-home...all of them (as long as you're approved) can get this certificate and an online profile!

This is the worst thing I've ever seen! I mean...come on. Who, pray tell, is going to fill this out to get this? I mean sure, the USA Honor Society is a pretty big deal, and I watched their award show last year on FX2, but I don't think I need a certificate of achievement, especially if Jaime Kennedy is getting on for "acting" which is what happened last year...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Weird dream...

Anyone else dream they were hanging out with the Guerilla Maab last night and that they had beef with DMX and DMX and his homies came into a room with AK-47's and started shooting up the place and 3 of the Guerilla Maab crew died, though neither Z-Ro nor I were hit.

Anyone?

Yeah...um...me neither. That would be strange.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Man...that was a sweet hour and 31 minutes...

So, I checked Alison's e-mail and saw the following two e-mails from Red Robin:

At 2:18, the Gingerbread shakes were $1.99. Then, just an hour and a half later, they were $2.99! The price increased 50% in that time!

If that trend continues...AAYYY!

Friday, November 20, 2009

TBS...

So, I was watching TBS and there was a commercial on for Lopez Tonight (I know...I know...how in the world did George Lopez get his own show? Gross) and they said:

Join us tonight when Ted Danson drops by...

Few things:

1) Ted Danson? Really? Is this 1987? Are they going to talk about Cheers or how awful it was seeing Whoopi Goldberg naked. Gross.
2) Do you think there isn't anywhere else that Ted Danson wouldn't rather be? I mean...would he rather be appearing on Lopez Tonight or...getting a colonoscipy? That's a toss-up.
3) GEORGE LOPEZ HAS HIS OWN TALK SHOW!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

This Vehicle Does NOT Turn Right on Red!

So, I'm rolling up to a stoplight and I see a vehicle in front of me with the following bumper sticker:
Really? I mean, are you allowed to just put a bumper sticker on your car, saying you don't do perfectly legal things that you SHOULD be doing?

Could I put a bumper sticker on my car that says I don't do something that would definitely annoy people if they found out I did that and it affected their driving?
Does that make it okay?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Tuesday Nights...

It really upsets Alison that NCIS is the #1 show on TV. I don't think it should be #1 (I mean, come on, it's not better than Numb3rs), but I just realized why it's #1...

There is nothing worth watching on Tuesday nights! I just went to check my TiVo to make sure all my shows will record tonight and all it was recording was NCIS at 7 and NCIS:Los Angeles (which I'm 5 episodes behind on and is very much in danger of being unfriended from my Season Pass Manager) at 8. Why in the world am I recording up to 4 shows at one time on some nights and then Tuesday, I'm recording 2 shows total.

What else is on, you ask:

7:00 ABC - V - Great. Like I want to watch a show about a bunch of hippie vampires waiting for the end of the world (I actually have no idea what this is about, but the limited commercials I saw looked lame, at best)

7:00 FOX - So You Think You Can Dance - Great. Like I want to watch this American Idol rip-off with a bunch of losers prancing around like Garth Brooks on acid. No thanks.

7:30 NBC - The Biggest Loser - Great. Like I want to watch a bunch of overweight slugs decide they can only lose weight with a couple of obnoxious trainers yelling at them while they're on TV. Sure.

8:00 - ABC - Dancing with the Stars - Great. Like I want to watch a bunch of washed up, never-gonna-be's try to master the triple lux while a bunch of overweight slugs cheer them on from the audience. And stars? Stars? Maybe someone needs to punch me in the face so I can see some during this monstrosity.

Seriously...why are these shows on? I mean, I'll watch my fair share of crud (Jersey Shore - coming December 3...mark it!) but I have to draw a line somewhere. And I'm pretty sure that line involves Aaron Carter doing to cha-cha while some flamboyant guy raves about his pirouettes.

But I guess that's just me.

Back to my point...pretty sure any non-terrible show could be #1 on Tuesday at 7:00...you have a captive audience.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Jersey Shore...

If you think I'm not watching Jersey Shore on MTV, you don't know me...



Monday, November 16, 2009

Mr. Belvedere...

So, my sim football team just got a new player...


You know this fool is going to clean up!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Make my day?

So, I was walking out of The Gym yesterday when I had the following conversation with the front desk guy:

FDG: Hey, hold on a second.
Me: Yeah.
FDG: I got something that's going to make your day.
Me: Sweet.
FDG: hands me a coupon for EDGE shave gel
FDG: Free shave gel! You can take that to Walgreens, or anywhere and all you need is 24 cents for the tax.
Me: stupefied
Me: Oh, okay. Thanks?
FDG: Here, take a couple. Free shave gel!

Now, I must just emit a cheap vibe or something. And this is all well and dandy (and I do love Walgreen's) but really...make my day? Is that going to make anyone's day? And how sad does your life have to be that that is the highlight of the day? Granted...it was the highlight of my day, but I think I'm a special case...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

False Advertising!

So, I'm scouring ESPN.com, trying to see what bowl people think the Huskers will end up in (lot of season left...lot of season left) when I see the following ad from Toyota:
That is blatant false advertising right there. There is NO proof that Jesus EVER drove a Toyota. None. And I find it hard to swallow that Toyota is using His likeness to sell their crappy line of hippie-mobiles...

For shame!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Is this weird?

Well, if you're a regular reader, and I have to assume you are, mom, then you know that last year I got a sweet deal on a Christmas tree from Target.

However, since I got it after Christmas, I have not yet had the occasion to open it so I really have no idea what it looks like. And I'm really, really curious (I refuse to waste my curiosity on important things) what it looks like.

So, yesterday I asked Alison if she wanted to put the Christmas tree up. Her response, which is probably the correct one, was "It's not even Thanksgiving yet dork."

But man, I'm excited to see that thing up (I refuse to waste my excitement on important things)!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The cheat has been exposed!

From today's issue of The Daily Grind:

Monday, November 09, 2009

Wayzata Nissan

So, I wanted to set up an appointment to get the oil changed and the tires rotated on the Murano (I know...I know...going to the dealership...whatever, Tires Plus es terrible' and it's about the same price) so I went to the website to find the phone number and I got this:

Then I got to thinking...which number should I call? I mean, I want to get the oil changed, so I suppose that's service. But they accidentally listed the same number 3 times. I can only imagine that's some kind of mistake...

Friday, November 06, 2009

Jessica Simpson and Daisy's Coyote...

Here's a picture of us at Halloween. Obviously we are Jessica Simpson and the coyote that ate Daisy (it's not too soon). The costume was Alison's idea and I was jealous at how great of an idea she had. Obviously, Alison had to pack herself with some extra shirts to get the girth that Jessica had in those photos...

Anyway, though the costume was awesome, the people at the party we went to didn't really get it. Very disappointing...here are some of the guesses we got:

- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Teen Wolf
- Twilight
- Jessica Simpson and her dog
- Michael J. Fox

Come on people!

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Intensive purposes?

So, I'm reading this article on CNN.com about credit cards, etc, when I come across the following point:

Really? "Intensive purposes"? That got by the editor there? Man...that's going to make me go on "Sad Patrol"...

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

You get the extra hots?

So, I went to Milio's sub shop over the weekend to get us our dinner. Apparently, instead of calling them "hot peppers", they call them "hots" there.

How do I know this, you ask?

Well, in the 4 minutes it took them to build my sandwich, the other guy asked about "extra hots" at least 15 times. I'm not kidding.

He built the sandwich while talking to the guy who ordered it, asking him how many extra hots he wanted. Then, ended up finishing the sandwich and saying, "1 Godfather with extra hots up". And the customer didn't hear him, so he kept repeating it while looking at the guy.

And he kept repeating it.

And then I blacked out after I gouged my face out with the fountain pop machine...

I think they used some hots as smelling salts to wake me up...

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

There's something wrong with me...

I was running upstairs yesterday and, as I was running, I all of the sudden started singing "Too Legit to Quit" AND doing the hand motions. Where in the heck did that come from?


Next thing you know, I'll be rapping out a little "Everybody Dance Now"...

Monday, November 02, 2009

Which answer is correct?

So, I'm at Target and I bought three of those boxes of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizers. While I was checking out, the cashier says this:

"Awww...do you have cats?"

Which is the correct response to that?

A) Umm...yes. That's what they're for.
2) No, but I find that cat litter deodorizer works just as well on my human litter box.
D) Why would you ask me that? I'm just hungry.

The correct answer, if you're me, is 2...

Friday, October 30, 2009

So, I'm an idiot...

Alison and I were at Target last night and I was all cranky (which is weird, because I'd had my snack) and in my haste, I accidentally grabbed a 12 pack of REGULAR caffeine free Pepsi, as opposed to DIET.

Now, I haven't drank regular pop since they got rid of Surge (me and you Tony P, me and you) so I'm not sure what to do with it. Can I return it? I mean, I have the receipt, but isn't that strange to return a food item? I know it's not like returning an apple (we also bought apples and I got the right kind of those...well, not the right kind, because Granny Smith is the right kind, I got the kind that Alison likes, which is not Granny Smith, which makes it wrong, but right in her mind...ya feel?) but it still feels strange.

And I don't want to get laughed at by the Target folk (anymore than they currently laugh at me)...

I think I'll try it, but if I have to run home in shame, I'm just going to pretend it never happened...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Operation Repo

Okay, so I was kind of digging this "reality" show called Operation Repo on TruTV. Shows cameras following guys as they repossess cars. Kind of interesting...

Except it's not real. Now, it's apparently just my fast TiVo hand and never watching the beginning that I didn't realize this, but they have a disclaimer that says these are re-creations.

Why? Why? Why can't they just get a camera team to go out and follow a repossession crew and actually make the show, instead of recreating events. I don't think I'm going to watch it anymore...

Actually, I probably will...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Forgotten Network Badge...

Well, I thought about it and if Christian Slater isn't going to make a badge for them to use, I will. They can just print this off, trace it on an old cereal box and then glue it onto said box. Presto...instant credibility!

Notice the confused looking man...like he's "forgotten" something. If any other secret societies need me to make badges for them, I come cheap. Very cheap.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Forgotten

So, Alison and I have been watching The Forgotten with Christian Slater. It's okay...whatever. It's pretty similar to Cold Case, you know, back when Cold Case wasn't terrible.

It's not about cops, and that's where we get the rub. These people are volunteers at The Forgotten Network, where they use their spare time to help the police identify individuals who have been Jane or John Does for an extended period of time.

Which is all well and good. Who am I to tell anyone how to use their time?

But it's awkward when they go up to an individual and start asking them questions. When the person inevitably asks if they're cops, they say no, they're with The Forgotten Network...and the person will act like they know what in the world that is.

If that happened to me, it would be more like this:

Christian Slater: So, you knew this guy?
Brent: Are you a cop or something?
Christian Slater: No, I'm not a cop. I'm with The Forgotten Network.
Brent: The who?
Christian Slater: No, not The Who. We're not a band. We're a group of people who help out the police in our spare time. It's called The Forgotten Network.
Brent: Do you have any authority?
Christian Slater: I have the authority to ask if you know this guy.
Brent: But I don't have to answer, right?
Christian Slater: Well, right. But it would really help out if you did.
Brent: Help The Forgotten Network?
Christian Slater: Yes.
Brent: Sorry, I don't believe that's a thing. Do you have a badge?
Christian Slater: No.
Brent: Sorry, not going to answer. Tell Dr. Venkman I said hi though.
Christian Slater: Man, we're The Forgotten Network...not Ghostbusters!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Circle one? YES!!

My neighbors just got their dish installed by DISH Network and guess what the driver of the van did? That's right! Circle One!

As a sidenote, these people just moved in yesterday morning and the DISH guy was there by 11 am. You have to like that... I assume they got teh 8-12 window, which is really the earliest you can get TV when you just moved in that day. Looks like someone might have new friends...

Friday, October 23, 2009

Is it just me...

or does overshooting the airport by 150 miles seem a bit excessive? I mean, you've already flown 1,500 miles...might as well go another 10 percent.

I don't know what I would have been thinking if I'd been on the plane. You're watching Minneapolis go under you and you ring the little flight attendant thingy and the only thing they say is that they can offer you more peanuts. Which is a grand gesture, because we had to suffer through so many years where we got friggin' pretzels instead of peanuts.

Alas, I'd probably rather land on time than fly an extra 150 miles and get some free extra peanuts. But that might just be me...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Seems like an obvious call to me...

Here was the listing of the headlines on cnn.com yesterday. See if anything stands out to you that might be underlined, arrowed and circled in red (if you're color blind...I'm sorry, but I guess you won't see it Vinny Testaverde)...

I hear they also may force kids to guzzle cough syrup to "calm down". Not sure I'm for that one either...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sikes does it again!

Once again, I feel the need to congratulate Mr. Sikes. After his triumphant "run" at the Mazola Corn Oil National Race Walk Invitational, he has now come out with his first national ad campaign, appearing now in your mailbox. Proving, once again, that Sikes doesn't feel the heat when it comes to advertising!


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

WHY?

Why does nothing remotely interesting happen anymore? I go to Target...nothing. I go to...um...Target I guess...nothing. No interesting conversations. No one stalking me. It's terrible. Which means I'm reduced to hawking my favorite brand of Q-Tip. Terrible. Terrible.

At least Alison thought of a killer Halloween costume for us...

Monday, October 19, 2009

I'll tell you what...

Q-Tips and generic Q-Tips are just not the same thing. Most things, generic is fine (that's right Dr. Thunder and Mountain Lightning) but a generic Q-Tip is gross. Do yourself a favor and spring for the name brand on this one...

Friday, October 16, 2009

Finally!

The cats are sure in for a treat! After 7 months, and an increase of 400 reward points, we've finally got their soft dome thing in stock and ordered! Take that! You thought I wouldn't wait it out!


Should be here just in time for Christmas...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The RU/|\NS

Yes, you read it right...this is about the Ruins on MTV...the latest installment of the RW/RR Challenge and, as always, my favorite TV show.

Now, before, I listed my top 5 competitors ever, so today, I thought I'd say who the top 3 on the ruins who I would least like to face in a challenge and the three I would most like to face:

Top 3 I don't want to face:
1) Wes - Duh...he's the best challenge guy ever. In my previous list, he was #2, but in this what-have-you-done-for-me-lately world, Alton has dropped behind Wes. I have no doubt Wes would destroy me.
2) Derrick - This kid (and I use the term loosely) is always good and he's very scrappy. He might be small, but man...he's good.
3) Evan - He's got me by about 80 pounds. The only way I want to face Evan is if we're having a spelling, adding or making complete sentences contest. Otherwise...no thanks.

Top 3 I want to face:
1) Adam - Come on.
2) Danny - This kid is the biggest p**sy in the world (that's for pansy...did you think it was something else?). Way too overconfident and he's not done 1 thing to ever impress.
3) Syrus - Unless the contest is who has the darkest skin, I think I could take him...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Office Max Christmas?

So, I was at Office Max yesterday, picking up some office supplies that Target didn't have, since there's no other reason to go into Office Max unless you're in to getting verbally assaulted by the "Office Max Team" the second you walk into the door (I'm looking at you on this one Toast).

Anyway, I go walking up there with 4 letter trays, 2 reams of paper and a little container of binder clips and I got this small conversation:

Office Max Lady: Wow. Bringing me some presents?
Brent: Damn, Christmas must have sucked in your house lady...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Wow...

Peter King pointed this out in his MMQB article yesterday, but you really have to see it...

I mean, really? Really? Who was the writer on this? John Bowman? And who at Burger King greenlighted this? Did the producers of Gigli start working at Burger King and thought this would be a good idea? And why keep pointing out her weight without making the obvious joke of, "She must have been eating double Whoppers for the whole off-season!"?

Monday, October 12, 2009

She's a hussy

Good call US...it's true, that Olive Cohen dresses like such a little hussy, it's sickening. I'm glad you helped put her in her place!

Friday, October 09, 2009

Trainee

So, I was at the dentist yesterday (it's almost like I'm living there...like a crappy version of You, Me and Dupree) and I had a trainee dental hygienist working with the dentist.

It sucks. I mean...I thought it wouldn't matter, but she was terrible. Terrible! You know how when you have a waiter having a trainee with them at a restaurant, it doesn't matter? Well...trainee's in dental practice matter.

She was very, very slow with the suction hose, to the point that I felt like I was being waterboarded (and, to be honest...it's not that bad) and she also was very stingy with the sprayer thing. I mean, the front of my mouth was the Sahara and the back of my mouth was the Native American Ocean. It was ridiculous.

And she kept asking the dentist questions. How long do I do that for? Do you need this now? What's that?

I didn't know you get to work in the dental office on your first day of dental hygienist school. I thought maybe they taught you some things before they threw you to the wolves.

Well...at least she didn't kill me...I have that going for me, which is nice...

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Airport security...

So, I was walking through airport security last week and you know it's a little uncomfortable. Everything is hurry up and wait and you have to believe that that wand shouldn't be lingering there for that amount of time...er, um, or never mind. It's a hassle.

So, I was going through the security the other day when the TSA agent started talking to me while he was looking at my license:

TSA Agent: You know they invented the perfect woman.
Brent: Huh?
TSA Agent: Yep, the perfect woman.
Brent: Is that so?
TSA Agent: Yep...a gingerbread woman!
Brent: Huh?
TSA Agent: Yep...if she gives you any lip, you just bite her head off!!
TSA Agent: (looks at me, expecting laughter)
Brent: hahahahaha
Brent: Can I go now?

I mean, they kind of have you over a barrel there (and not in that good, Yogi Bear kind of way). What are you supposed to do? Obviously, that was a worse joke than John Bowman would come up with...probably.

But you can't just stare at him. Because he has the power to not let you on the plane. So, you have to give him a horrible courtesy laugh, like you're watching Hank or something like that. It's the worst.

And I just know he tries that joke out on everyone that passes through. Hopefully his headless gingerbread wife doesn't take any offense...

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

STARKEY!!

Stop being "that guy" and send in your fantasy football payment!

Signed,
Me

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Thank you Family Guy...

for bringing Parker Lewis back into the mainstream! Man...I loved that show. I loved Kube. Great times. No, wait. GREAT times!


Don't act like you didn't want to write Parker Lewis in your hair back when you were in 6th grade. I mean...I can't be the only one, right? Right?

Snart...

Monday, October 05, 2009

TiVo be busy...

on Wednesday nights. Just getting around to watching the shows over the weekend but realized we recorded 12 shows between 7 and 10 pm. 12!!

How many of them are good? That's yet to be seen...

Friday, October 02, 2009

Someone is gettin' presents!

I know what you're thinking...which one am I going to order? The answer, of course...is both! I can't wait to get the blackhead remover so I can use it on my dwarf seahorses! I better frickin' be delighted with it...

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Herr Nebraska fans unite!

Who knew Hitler was so passionate about the Huskers?

He makes some good points though...I hope it didn't lose anything in translation...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Do they bring the food to you?

So, my dad and I went to the Nebraska game this past weekend. And we were dropping the car off at the airport when I had this exchange with the Hertz guy...

Hertz Guy: So, you guys in town for the game?
Brent: Yeah, we were at the game.
Hertz Guy: How was it?
Brent: Awesome. Ton of fun.
Hertz Guy: OK, I've never been to a game there, so do you mind if I ask you a question?
Brent: Sure, go ahead.
Hertz Guy: So...do they bring the food to you or do you have to go get it yourself?
Brent: Ummm...you can do either, but if you don't want to move, they do bring it to you.
Hertz Guy: Sweet...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Cancer Beets?

So, I was at the airport yesterday, going through security, and the woman in front of me was trying to carry-on jars of pickled beets to bring to a friend. The TSA agent wouldn't let her through with them because there was too much liquid (gross). Their conversation went like this:

TSA Agent: What's in those jars?
Lady: Pickled beets.
TSA Agent: I'm sorry ma'am, you can't carry those on. You can check them if you'd like.
Lady: What? I can't do that!
TSA Agent: OK, I'll have to take them then.
Lady: Are you serious? Great. Just great. Now my friend who has cancer won't get any pickled beets.
Brent (under his breath): Well, I guess you should get that guys name so she can send him a thank you card...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Modern Family...

Surprisingly, Modern Family was really good in the pilot, so I suggest you give it a chance. Alison thought it was okay, but then again, she married me, so can we really trust her opinion?

Friday, September 25, 2009

PetsMart conversation...

Interesting day at PetsMart yesterday. First, walking in, some psycho lady in a car was hounding some lady trying to walk her dog away from the store with tons of questions about the dog (what's his name? what kind is it? what kind of food does he like? I like that kind too.) which made everyone in the area (me) uncomfortable.

So, I went inside and went to the cat food section to get food (again) to feed our enormous (and other, regular sized) cat.

I brought it up to the register and some lispy chick is working the register. Our "awkward checkout conversation" went like this:

PetsMart Lady: Ahh...so, who are you shopping for today?
Brent: stares in silence, not knowing what that question meant
Brent: Ummm...me.
PetsMart Lady: I meant how many cats do you have.
Brent: How in the world would I get "how many cats do I have" from "who are you shopping for today"? It would be like me asking you if you like apples and then expecting you to give me fifteen dollars. Why didn't you just ask how many cats I had if you were interested? Or, if you were trying to make small-talk, why didn't you just stare at the register instead, like I was doing? Why don't you make sense? This is whack! Whackness!
PetsMart Lady: I have three cats.
Brent: Seems right...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place

So, I've been trying to find the DVD's for this show for years. Years. And now, the China bootleg companies have finally got it to a reasonable price for the whole series ($39.99) but they want $25 shipping. And I can't use paypal, so this fly-by-night company will have my credit card info and, I'm sure, steal my identity.

So, I decided to look on eBay and see if they had them, so I could use paypal. They didn't, but they did have this shirt from the show..It seems to me that this would probably be taken the wrong way, as most haven't heard of the show, or it at least wouldn't be the first thing they think about...

As Petredis would say, "You are either a fan of a great comedy, or finger cuffs."

I don't know what that means, but I assume, ewwwwwww...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I could probably watch this 100 times...

I can't imagine that run towards the hole after he made it...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

George Wendt!

So, last Friday, George Wendt was doing a live chat on Cincinnati.com and Sikes and I tried to get our questions answered.

Well...one of us did, as you can see in the picture:


I thought my question was pretty good, but apparently the moderator didn't:

When you were on Cheers, did you think they should have thought about changing the setting? What about a rec room? Or a community center? Because people do meet in places besides a bar...

I mean...it's true. Quit ducking the facts Wendt!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Guh?

Since when are convicted murderers taken on field trips to county fairs? I guess they couldn't take him to the waterpark because he'd forgotten his swimtrunks?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Aw man...

I was watching TV yesterday when a commercial came on for that douche Michael Moore's new movie and I found out it's coming out on October 2nd...my birthday. Man...that's the third time that loser will have ruined my birthday...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place?

So, from my post yesterday, I decided to contact WETV and see if perhaps they are planning on bringing back Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place and perhaps, you know, get some viewers for their fly-by-night TV station.

So, I nicely sent them this e-mail:

Hi -

A couple years ago, WE played 2 Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place. Then, all of the sudden, it was gone. I keep checking back on a monthly basis, hoping it's brought back in syndication because I love that show and WE was the only place I could get it. Are there any plans to bring the re-runs of it back? If there were, I'm sure the rating period between 2-3 pm (or the TV wasteland as I like to call it) would increase threefold!

Thank you for your time.

Brent Nelson


I figured there was no harm in asking if they were going to bring back one of the top five TV shows of all time. I mean, I'm just trying to help them out by helping me out.

This was the very terse response they gave me:

This show is not returning to WE tv.

Wow...I mean:

No explanation at all?
No thanks for the suggestion but we will not be doing that at this time?
No correctly identifying your evanescent station correctly?

I guess besides terrible programming, they've taught their customer service people how to respond in the most pithy manner possible. Maybe they get charged by the word on their e-mail?

Doesn't matter...it's not like anyone watches that channel anyway...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

TV, why have you foresaken me???

What is the deal? Seriously...WHERE ARE THE NEW SHOWS??

I remember when September meant sweeps month and you knew that every night, you'd be sitting down to some good NEW mind-numbing goodness. Now?

NOW?

I'm sitting there watching re-runs of How I Met Your Mother and rocking back and forth like Amy Winehouse after being sober for three days.

I know a couple new episodes of some shows are coming up in the next week. Great...but it's friggin' mid-September! Get the net!

The least that could happen is WE bringing back re-runs of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place...I think that would tide everyone over until the new episodes of shows start...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

More "stuffed" crust?

So, as people know, I love stuffed crust pizza. And now, Pizza Hut has come out with their new pan stuffed crust. Notice anything wrong with it?


That's right...you can SEE the cheese that's "stuffed" in the "crust"! This is the definition of not stuffed crust. Isn't this just extra cheese? I think it's weird that they don't mention that the pizza in the picture also has:

pepperoni stuffed crust and
sauce stuffed crust

Since, apparently, anything they put on top of the pizza is now considered stuffed. Pizza Hut...you are not fooling me. You regular stuffed crust is bleh and this...this is not even stuffed crust. I hate you Pizza Hut. You are the worst. You are worse than the Gosselin's. Terrible.

Come back Little Caesar's Stuffed Crust!!!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Why?

OK, so I love a deal, but you know how there are some things on sale that you just have to buy?

For me...it's deodorant. I have no idea why. They had some marked down at the register at Rainbow yesterday and I ended up buying 4 of them, even though I just bought 4 a couple days before that on clearance at Target.

Pretty soon, our whole house is just going to be a huge deodorant stick...not that that's a bad thing...

Friday, September 11, 2009

Dang!

I just sold a CD for $1.52 on Amazon, so I went to check what the other ones were going for. This is the top listing for the CD (Dr Dre - First Round Knockout)


Wow! I mean, seems a little spendy for a CD, but what do I know? I just spent $1,200 on a garden gnome...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dag nabit...

So, I was at the dentist yesterday and the dental assistant, in the span of five minutes, said,

"...it's the greatest thing since sliced bread..." and
"...all that and a bag of chips..."

Really? Really? I had to check my watch to make sure time I hadn't gone back in time. Unfortunately the flux capacitor on my watch was broken, so I couldn't really tell what year it was.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Book It!

In honor of the first week of school, I thought I'd share a story from when I was little and participating in the Book It! program...

Every night before I went to bed, I would read for awhile to get credit for the Book It! program and earn my way towards delicious (ie gross) personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut (sidenote...my mom hated the Book It! program, because it forced her to go to Pizza Hut).

Since it went by the amount of time you read, I decided to start a stopwatch when I started reading and then stop it when I was done (you know...as if it were a race...did I mention I was an awesome kid?).

So, I grabbed my book (I believe it was either Bunnicula or The Celery Stalks at Midnight), started the timer and went about reading the book.

I read, and read, and read, and read. And before I knew it...I had finished the book! So, I hit stop on the timer and ran downstairs to tell my dad how long I'd read so he could mark it on my sheet.

I handed him the stopwatch, beaming with pride, he looked at it, then looked at me questioningly and said, "Nine minutes?"

Nine minutes?! Nine?! I'd read the whole book in nine minutes?

"Are you sure?" I said. "It sure felt like more than an hour. I read the whole book!"

He turned around the stopwatch and showed it to me. Sure enough, it said nine minutes. How in the...what had happened? I went up to bed, very confused and a little sad that only nine minutes went towards my personal pan pizza.

*only later did I find out that the stopwatch rolls over after 99 minutes and restarts...so I actually read 108 minutes...but I didn't figure that out until later*

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Went shooting...

Labor Day was spent out trap shooting. As those of you who know me could guess...I was not superior. However, I only screamed like a girl once. Kidding!

It was twice.

Monday, September 07, 2009

The Final Destination

Yesterday, Alison and I went and saw this (don't bother) and there was only 1 other couple in the theatre. The wife walked out with about 10 minutes left and came back in when the credits were rolling. Their conversation leaving was this:

Guy: You missed it! Everyone died in the end!
Woman: That was terrible!
Guy: That was awesome. But I guess you can pick the next movie.
Woman: Try the next five...

Friday, September 04, 2009

Come on spammers!

So, I get the following e-mail, trying to entice me to talk to this lonely woman:

Hmmm...not too many women named Joseph out there, but I bet the ones that are are pretty lonely...

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Kohl's lies...

So, I went to Kohl's yesterday to use my "Kohl's Cash" (pictured below) which I was told could be used just like cash. As you can see, it says "Use any way you choose, on anything in the store." Apparently by "anything in the store", they meant anything but the thing I wanted.

Alison and I saw some books when we were in there that she wanted for her classroom, so I went in to buy those.

When I brought them up to the register, the conversation went like this:

Cashier: You can't use your Kohl's Cash on those because they are a special purchase.
Brent: I'm confused. I was told I could use the Kohl's Cash like cash. So, you wouldn't accept cash for these?
Cashier: You can pay with cash, yes.
Brent: I've been told that Kohl's Cash is the same as cash, so I'll use the Kohl's Cash.
Cashier: That's not possible.
Brent: I will not be buying them then.

I felt like Homer at Itchy and Scratchy Land:

Homer: One adult and four children.
Woman: Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy Money?
Homer: What's that?
Woman: Well it's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, er..."fun".
Bart: Do it, Dad.
Homer: Well, OK, if it's fun...let's see, uh...I'll take $1100 worth.
[he walks in, sees all the signs: "No I&S Money", "We Don't Take Itchy and Scratchy Money", etc.]
Homer: Aw!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Lucky me!

It's about freaking time. Though I've been touting the eye patch for years, I've never had a real reason to wear one. I mean, sure they're fashionable, but I am not, if you can't tell from my collection of holey-Lee shorts and Goodwill-brand t-shirts.

However, I just had my second Lasik this past weekend and what did they give me to wear when I'm sleeping??? That's right!

An eyepatch!

I was a little disappointed though. It's just a clear one that I tape on my face (with the stickiest 3m tape in the world...it's fin to take GALLONS of Goo Gone to get this junk off my face) and the nurse there said I don't have to wear it all the time.

And she gave me a very strange look when I asked if I COULD wear it all the time. She said it's my life, so I took that to mean I had to wear it all the time.

I've been getting a lot of stares in the gym...and driving. Good times.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Hmmm...someone is copying...

So, I was reading Entertainment Weekly (take that Mary Hart!) when I stumbled across a "new" movie coming out with that Amazon Cameron Diaz in it called "The Box". So, I start to read the summary and here it is:

Norma and Arthur Lewis, a suburban couple with a young child, receive a simple wooden box as a gift, which bears fatal and irrevocable consequences. A mysterious stranger, delivers the message that the box promises to bestow upon its owner $1 million with the press of a button. But, pressing this button will simultaneously cause the death of another human being somewhere in the world; someone they don't know. With just 24 hours to have the box in their possession, Norma and Arthur find themselves in the cross-hairs of a startling moral dilemma and must face the true nature of their humanity.

And after reading that, I remembered that they did the exact same thing in a Twilight Zone (Alison was into the Twilight Zone for about 3 days) we watched:

Button, Button

And the episode wasn't even that good. And now they're making a movie out of it? And it appears they're even using the same box. Come on man, if you're going to make an old show into a movie, how about making the Saved by the Bell where Jessie gets hooked on caffeine pills???

I'm scared too Jessie. Very scared...that Hollywood is remaking old 1980's Twilight Zones and passing them off as new...

Monday, August 31, 2009

Flipping Out V. Tosh.0

I'm sure I'm not the first to say it, but I'm pretty sure that Daniel Tosh from Comedy Central's Tosh.0 (left) is the twin brother of Jeff Lewis (right) from Bravo's Flipping Out. I'm just sayin'...
Or they might be the same person. I've never seen them in the same room together. Never. Not once. Not ever. Macaulay Culkin.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Take that Duff!

Yeah, my mom, Alison and I were all part of this survey and all voted for Miley Cyrus. Take THAT Hilary Duff!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

A-Spray? No way? A-okay!

Apparently, this is a real product. Seriously...

Is it just me or does Lanny F. and his rape van in the background seem like a very reliable contractor?

Wait...you mean you're creepy looking, smell bad, talk about your butt AND drive around with a van with no windows in the back?? I get ALL of that when we hire you? Where do I sign up???

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Pretend it's a Roast! Anything goes!

*DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS IN POOR TASTE SO IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY ROAST-STYLE HUMOR, PLEASE DO NOT READ IT*

So, as you've probably all heard, Megan Wants a Millionaire has been cancelled because one of the contestants killed his wife and then himself. And I was talking to Petredis about this, since he didn't really know about the case, and the conversation when like this (sidenote...I bet he won Megan Wants a Millionaire):

Brent says: I did hear he won I Love Money 3 though
Brent says: That's also not going to air...
Justin says: Damn, all of a sudden reality TV execs have morals?
Brent says: I know...but I guess I don't because I don't understand why they couldn't play it still...
Justin says: I have to assume he wins Megan's show
Justin says: That may be a big reason why
Brent says: That would be the only possible reason I could see
Brent says: I mean, things have happened before and they still show shows...
Brent says: The party line the girl who died worked for is still using her ad
Brent says: Jasmine Fiore for 1-800-YES-GIRL
Justin says: That is wrong
Justin says: ...and her face is very weird
Brent says: I agree...it's almost like he did her a favor
Brent says: ...er...something

At which point pop flew out of Trete's nose...pretty sure there's nothing worse I could have said there...I've been watching too much Jeffrey Ross...


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Pluto...the new something...

So, with all the back and forth over health care, etc. it's nice of CNN to come out with a poll that America can all get behind...

I know what you're thinking; this is a pretty easy one. There's an obvious right answer and anyone who answers any other way is a tool.

Whelp...the results may surprise you...

Hmmm....who thought "Who gives a butt?" would win as a write in vote? Certainly not this blogger...

Monday, August 24, 2009

Hongo Killer!

I have no idea in the world what Hongo is, all I know is that it HAS to be killed! There is no getting around that fact. And don't try to back-talk me on this issue David Blaine. I'm not having it. How about you just get back up on your pole and maybe learn some real magic instead of preaching about my views on Hongo?

Friday, August 21, 2009

That's a man, man!

Why in the world are they trying to get this dude to prove his sex?

This is absolutely ridiculous! We're on a witch hunt and this young m...

*editor whispers in Brent's ear*

WHAT??? That's a chick?? No way...that's a man, man! Get the net!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Friggin' 3 Floors!

Yep, that's how many floors the M&M store in Times Square has. Funny, because they really shouldn't have much more than an aisle I would think...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

School supplies...

So, I was driving down the street and saw the following sign: Yep...always need those back to school welding supplies. I actually looked at Alison's list for her students and there it was, right between 5 wide-ruled spiral notebooks and a protractor.

Now you know where to go if Target doesn't have your welding supplies...and it's open to the public too! Take THAT members!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Malcolm in the Middle

So, I just sold my season 1 DVD collection of Malcolm in the Middle for $18.50. I know what you're thinking; why in the world did I have a season 1 DVD collection of Malcolm in the Middle??

Well, I think the bigger question is, why in this day and age is someone spending $18.50 for a season 1 DVD of Malcolm in the Middle??

*please ignore the fact that I owned this DVD and join me in mocking G. Foley who purchased it from me. Please?*

Monday, August 17, 2009

What am I missing?

I was looking through my half.com listings and saw this...check out the price I'm selling the CD for and the price the fourth guy is selling it for...one of us is WAAAAAY off!I wonder what the difference is...maybe his was signed...by Jesus?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Friday night!

Here's an e-mail Dan sent me yesterday in regards to our tourney today.

Hey, what are the plans for tomorrow? Should we meet at your house and then head over to the field? I am planning on staying at your place on Friday night. What's your address? What's your favorite color? What was your first pets name?

And my response:

Yeah, that sounds good. Feel free to come over whenever. Alison is taking off for Illinois to move her sister back sometime in the afternoon, so I'll just be sitting here.
1.
7420 Oak Park Village Drive

St. Louis Park, MN 55478
United States
Earth
Milky Way

2.
White (the absence of color)

3.
Fred (he was a newt, named after Fred Flinstone. I later got Barney, named after Barney...Fife, not Rubble, from Andy Griffith. When I got them, my brother got a dead turtle. I forget his name. The turtle...not my brother. His name is Eric. Nelson.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Apparently...

the "Big Stamp" trick doesn't always work, as someone just sent one to me using it and we got a postage due letter. Perhaps it was my blog that made them notice this mistake? Hmmm? Hmmm?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I'm pretty sure...

you can't say you've been to New York until you walk down the stairs to a subway station and there's a big pile of poop right in the middle of the stairs.

On a related note, I have now officially been to New York.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Who knew?

I sure didn't know that any 16-year old girls read cnn.com, much less 6,750 of them! Well, live and learn I guess...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Smiggie Balls

Okay, so my roommate freshman year of college was named Matt Samocki and I gave him the best nickname ever...Smiggie Balls, which was shortened to Smiggie for brevity. Here's how it came about:

Name: Matt Samocki
goes to
Name: The Notorious Sa-Mock-I (three "syllables", like B.I.G.)
goes to
Name: The Notorious S.M.I. (to be more like B.I.G.)
goes to
Name: Smiggie Balls (Biggie Smalls for Notorious, so the SM was there, so flipped that and the B)
goes to
Name: Smiggie (shortened, like Biggie)

Awesome.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Nice helmet...

So, I was out driving around and saw this group of 4 twelve year olds out riding their bikes. And 1 of them was wearing a helmet and the other 3 were normal. However, the one wearing the helmet didn't have the straps snapped, so if he fell, the helmet would just fall off...so he looked like a tool and it wasn't functional...it was like he was wearing a fanny pack with a hole in the bottom...you know what I'm talking about Toast...

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Perhaps I should elaborate...

Well, you're probably wondering what in the world I was on when I wrote my post yesterday. I was on Grape Nuts (no grapes...no nuts!)...but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, the deal was, I was in Target (weird) and I'd boughten (might not be a word...too lazy to check) a Snickers Almond, along with my other groceries (including shoe inserts...not important to the story, just wanted to make sure you knew I care about foot health) and the cashier had handed me the Snickers, as she assumed I wanted to eat it in the car on the way home because I can't wait three minutes to eat it and I would rather eat it while making the world less safe for me and others whilst driving (and dang it...she was right).

So, I tossed it in my right front pocket.

Now, the only thing I ever keep in my right front pocket is my set of keys. So, I know when I grab in there, I'm grabbing key (holler!).

So, I get out to the car, open the locks, put the keys back in my pocket and toss the groceries in the back seat (the trunk is full i you were wondering why I don't put them in the trunk...and it was full even if you weren't wondering) and get in.

Once I was in, I reached in the key (read right front) pocket to get my keys to commence ignition. However, I grabbed the forgotten Snickers Almond instead, without realizing it (it was not a King Size...which I don't even think they make for Snickers Almond).

So, I try to jab the "key" into the ignition and it just felt like I was missing the ignition, so I tried a couple more times...then looked at my hand and saw a mashed Snickers Almond. Then, I thought to myself, "Man, I'm an idiot...glad no one was around to see that..."

Then, I came home, and wrote about it so all 7 of you know how dumb I am now.

Excalibur!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Just not going to work...

I'm just going to tell you, from experience, no matter how many times you try to start your car with a Snickers Almond bar, it's not going to start. You need to use the keys. Live and learn I guess....

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

John Mayer in an elevator?!?

So, I was in downtown Minneapolis yesterday, in an elevator in the IDS tower when the strangest thing happened. The doors opened and John Mayer walked into the elevator! Seriously!

How often does something like this happen? I mean, for him, probably often. For me...not so much. So, I had to talk to him, because I have some gripes about him.

Brent: John Mayer, you're pretty much a d-bag.
John Mayer: Say what you need to say.
Brent: Dude, you're an idiot for dropping Jennifer Aniston.
John Mayer: Say what you need to say.
Brent: And I hate you for ruining Jessica Simpson for the world.
John Mayer: Say what you need to say.
Brent: Your music blows.
John Mayer: Say what you need to say.
Brent: Man, you just repeat yourself in person, just like in your craptastic music.
John Mayer: Say what you need to say.
Brent: Seriously...stop saying that. You're farkin' annoying.
John Mayer: Say what you need to say.
Brent: I wish there was some way to toss you out of this elevator
John Mayer: Say what you need to say.
Brent: This has to be the longest elevator ride in the world.
John Mayer: Say what you need to say.
Brent: Thanks. B-face.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Stupid GPS...

So, apparently satellite coverage is very spotty in Iowa. We were driving back from Nebraska and the GPS kept telling us to get back on the road. As you can see, it thinks we're in the middle of a cornfield or something...and we weren't...at least at that point...

We were actually on that road over to the left, that it wanted us to get back on...stupid technology...

Friday, July 31, 2009

Nice...

Very nice of Davis to let his 12-year old son name his company...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Take THAT chair!

Yeah, who's in charge now? That's the LAST time you EVER make fun of me! D-bag!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Oversized, Novelty stamp?

So, I got one of those packages of "Forever" stamps that have 20 stamps on them and then one large "receipt" style stamp that tells you what you purchased (which you can see to the right).

So, I wanted to run an experiment and see if you could actually use this big, fake stamp as an actual stamp. I mean, it comes off the paper, just like a regular stamp and it says forever on it, and it says First Class.

What's that you say? It's obviously not a stamp? Well, what is obvious to you, might not be obvious to someone else. Maybe.

So, I decided to send the letter to the left here to Petredis to see if it would make it to him. I included a letter, explaining what was going on, but I didn't expect it to get to him.

Then, after a couple days of waiting, I got an IM from Petredis that went like this:

Justin: so i get home yesterday late, and Jacq is there in the kitchen
Brent: go on...
Justin: and she says, "your friend Brent is an idiot"
Justin: and I say, well yes, but how do you know
Justin: "do you see this, (shows me your envelope) this is not a stamp"

Unbelievable! That oversized, novelty stamp actually goes through as a stamp! Now, I start to wonder if they'll take anything you put up in the corner. Could you draw a smiley face and put "Forever" next to it? Sounds like it might be time for more experimenting...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

1 Night in Paris Hilton

Apparently, it's a pretty reasonable rate...and has a heated pool!

Did you expect something else?