Thursday, March 31, 2005

Things I hate in an office...

People who wear too much cologne/perfume - Just because you shop at J. Crew, I don't want to smell it. Same thing if you shop at Target. Or Wal-Mart. Just smell normal...not strong...or bad.

People with bad breath - Um...hi, they're called Tic-tacs. Don't close-talk me freak-o. Great googily moogily, stand 14 feet away when you talk to me. Or better yet, look into e-mail. It's not that tough Bob.

People who think they're important - Guess what chica, just because you make copies for the VP in Charge of HR, it doesn't make you my boss. You're just a glorified secretary. Administrative assistant? Come on...

Pointless meetings - Or pretty much any meeting. Why spend an hour deciding something that would have taken 5 minutes to go over in an e-mail? Oh, yeah, because you want to feel important (see above).

People who can't make decisions - Guess what Buck-o, it's not my call. You're the Controller. It's your decision. I don't care what you do. Just pick one or the other so I can go on with my job. And if you can't decide, I'll gladly take over your salary and make the decision. I'm surprised you can get dressed in the morning.

"It's not my fault" syndrome - Yes, nothing is your fault. You're like the flippin' Virgin Mary herself, aren't you? Take some responsibility for your actions (see above) and own what you do. If you make a mistake, don't pawn it off on the customers, the Twins, or tetanus from the nail you stepped on last night.

Busy work - Stacking stuff. Filing. Jesus. Can we hire a monkey to do that, not an intern that's making over 18 dollars an hour? I have a 6 year-old that can do that job, probably for nickels. We're hemorrhaging money here and you want to spend more?

Bad decisions not based on facts - Just because you want to do something and we won't get the business unless you offer a certain price, that doesn't mean we want the business!! If we're going to make less than a penny on the dollar, maybe, do we really want to do it? Apparently. I guess bad decisions are almost as bad as indecisions. At least look at the facts and listen to your finance people. Humor us!

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

2005 Final Twins Stats

Record: 87 - 75, 2nd AL Central

c: Joe Mauer .321 avg, 18 HR, 87 RBI, 120 games
1b: Justin Morneau .278 avg, 33 HR, 112 RBI
2b: Luis Rivas .257 avg, 67 runs, 18 SB, 5 errors
3b: Mike Cuddyer .263 avg, 24 HR, 101 RBI
ss: Jason Bartlett .297 avg, 11 HR, 87 runs
LF: Jacque Jones .312 avg. 26 HR, 98 runs, 90 RBI
CF: Torii Hunter .284 avg, 31 HR, 108 RBI, 24 SB
RF: Shannon Stewart .318 avg, 13 HR, 118 runs, 6 SB
DH: Lew Ford .307 avg, 19 HR, 96 RBI

SP: Johan Santana 18-5, 3.20 era, 284 K's
SP: Brad Radke 14-9, 3.80 era
SP: Kyle Lohse 15-7, 3.72 era, 196 K's
SP: Carlos Silva 10-11, 4.89 era
SP: Joe Mays 9-9, 4.42 era

CL: Joe Nathan 2-4, 2.71 era, 41-46 saves/opps

Monday, March 28, 2005

Internet Girl #3

Since it appears that the only part of my life that interests anyone besides me is my miserable attempts at internet dating, I’m going to give the people more of what they want. And if people want to hear more Alf quotes, I can oblige them also.

Now, as everyone knows, this will be the third internet girl I have met. The first two were unsuccessful…at best. If this one had not worked out I was about ready to go St. Bonaventure on the whole internet thing and dedicate myself to a life of celibacy and stamp collecting. Thank god that it didn’t come to that because I really don’t enjoy stamps that much. I mean, yeah, they’re fun; you just can’t take them anywhere. They’re like fish. But I’m getting off the subject.

This past weekend, I had a date with Internet Girl #3 (who, henceforth ,shall be known as HEH). You all know the saying goes “third time’s the charm”. Babe Ruth also wore number 3. Is this a coincidence? I think not. We’ll see how everything works out in the end, but so far, everything is looking up. Numbers don’t lie man.

Well, I've been out on dates both of the past weekends with HEH. Anyway, I think things are progressing okay, though I have moved into my slowness stage. (The Slowness of which I speak caused my old whorish girlfriend Jade to break up with me…but, as Snoop Doggy Dogg said, “You can’t turn a Ho into a housewife fool”. Now I’m off on an anti-Jade tangent. How did I get here?) In the part of the slowness stage that I am in (yes there are multiple parts and I will probably have to go into detail on this later), I have not kissed her yet. I don't know how bad that is (2 dates, one similar to a blind date. You know, first time meeting someone from the internet, making sure she's actually a girl, seeing if her picture matches, hopefully sensing any stalkerish vibes, seeing if you’re compatible at all, etc) and the 2nd one is more like a first date again. So, I don't know. Again, Jade has messed up my mind. But I guess that's what happens when you date a nympho...and don't have sex with her. She torments your mind like Ulong torments the dreams of Stephanie. I don't know. I'm rambling now. Anyway, we went bowling this weekend and I kicked her ass (probably not the best move but I really don't let people win). She's also about as sarcastic as me, so I get to see what people think of me. Which is nice...

We'll see how the "playing hard to get" angle plays out. (That's what I'm calling my slowness now...hard to get. I'm turning the tables and making a negative into a positive. I know people say only girls can play hard to get...and they're right. Which is why I will probably get to chalk this up as another miserable failure in the Romantic Department of Brent) Probably well (Not!), if past experiences are any judge (mmm...positive thinking!) Anyhoo, she's very competitive and I think she would have been pissed had I let her win. That being said, we made a bet on the third game, which I of course won. Loser has to cook the winner dinner. My idea. Of course it just ensures a third date in a private place. I'm sneaky like that. And I have very few ideas. Plus I'm lame. So, that's good.

A little more info you probably don't want to hear. She had to cut out first date short to go home and watch TV (Desperate Housewives...I respect the TV watching decision), she likes watching, going to and playing sports and she likes bowling. As Josef Dvorak said, this is my dream girl.

I will work on keeping everyone in the loop on the comings and goings of HEH…

Friday, March 25, 2005

Apprentice X

I don’t know how happy I am with the prayer circle, reading poetry and “expressing feelings”. What happened to the fighting? Isn’t this some sort of competition? Can you pray to God for someone else to lose? Is that right? Is that ethical? I’m looking at you on this one PETA.

Yes, a ton of people don’t know anything about building stuff. It’s true. Just don’t be a bitch about it. And no one cares if you’re a former beauty queen. And it must have been pretty slim pickings that year. Who was the competition? Between you, a fence and a goat?

I built a box in 8th grade shop class. About 12 other people built the same box. The first 10 got B’s on theirs, so I said to my friend that everyone who built this must get a B. My teacher overheard me and gave me a B minus on mine. From that day forward, I am very anti-box.

Chris was dropping f-bombs during his presentation. Well, at least George, Carolyn and the Home Depot execs weren’t watching. Oh wait. Well, on the bright side, he did do this dip-free. That has to count for something.

I think if you’re ever in a flight suit on a tarmac, you owe it to yourself to say “You can be my wingman anytime.”

Erin walks like a Yetti. I’m just sayin’…

I am very excited for Chris to go insane next week. It's been building for awhile. Should be good times. Steve Urkel good!

My prediction for a winner after week 10: Still Kendra. I guess. Though I think Alex is really good too.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Dear Jason Whitlock...

Thank you Jason. Thank you for understanding the steroids in baseball "issue". It's absolutely insane and almost every article I read makes me want to peel my skin off and take an acid bath. Yours is the first one that actually makes sense and puts issues out there that no one is talking about.

I don't normally see eye to eye with your views, but we are on par here. Why the sudden interest in steroids, while the double standard of alcohol goes unchecked? One of my biggest issues with the whole circus is bringing in two families who had their sons commit suicide. How do they know it was because of steroids? Were there notes stating so? Do they have a Oiuja board? It seems like rampant speculation to me.

I am also against the doctors being brought in. Sure, steroids can cause health defects if abused. No one is denying that. Same thing can be said of aspirin. Same thing can be said of Nyquil. How does having doctors explaining the ramifications of the abuses of steroids help baseball?

I believe this whole thing is because of The Apprentice. Congress saw how much face time that The Donald was getting and they want to put on a show now too. Do they care about the 'youth of america'? Sure. But they care about getting their mug on TV (Cold Pizza perhaps) about a thousand times more. Isn't this the perfect time, what with Canseco's unprovable book out and Bonds chase for Ruth? When else is the Republican rep from Kansas going to see himself on Sportscenter? Better strike while the iron is hot.

Again, thanks for pointing out the absurdity of it all. All the best...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

David Carusso opening lines...

Lt. Horatio Caine (played by the brilliant and slightly mkisunderstood David Carusso) is famous for his opening lines in CSI:Miami. They always proceed the opening credits and it gets the show off to a fantastic ride that you don't ever want to end! He's like the Danny Tanner of forensic crime dramas! I have listed 5 opening Caine lines here...or have I?

One of the following is one I made up, but the rest of them are actually opening lines. Can you tell which one is the fake?
  • Det Frank Tripp: Friends said she came down to drink Mojitas and catch some sun.
    Lt. Horatio Caine: Well…looks like (puts on sunglasses)…something caught her.
  • Eric Delko: Don’t we have jurisdiction?
    Lt. Horatio Caine: Conditions like this, the only one with jurisdiction (puts on sunglasses)…is the fire.
  • Detective Yelina Salas: All they wanted was to sit back, relax and take a load off.
    Lt. Horatio Caine: Looks like someone already unloaded (puts on sunglasses)…on them.
  • Chief Medical Examiner Alexx Woods: You don’t fall three stories, get up, and run away.
    Lt. Horatio Caine: (puts on sunglasses) You do…if you’ve got something to hide.
  • Det Frank Tripp: They call it speed dating. Owner says our victim had 15 dates.
    Lt. Horatio Caine: (sunglasses already on) Well, you know what they say Frank…speed kills.

Monday, March 21, 2005

In honor...

In honor of my mom's birthday, I have attached a link to an audio file of Chewbacca singing the Alan Thicke classic we all know and love, The Facts of Life theme song! Go Chewy! Enjoy...

Mom's Birthday Present

Friday, March 18, 2005

Apprentice IX

I’m going to lay it on the table. I normally hate special editions of reality shows. If the parts were so ‘special’, why weren’t they in the original episode? I hope I’m wrong here.

God, I feel bad for them. They’re all stuck in “Training Video Hell.” Seems every restaurant has these. However, I did learn the “Sullivan Nod” when I watched one of these at Chi-chi’s. It’s when you subtly nod your head when you’re asking the person if they want something, such as (whilst nodding) “You want a Diet Coke”. Apparently, this gets them to drop all inhibitions and order what you’re selling. I want to know who this Sullivan is and how big his team of monkeys was that came up with this.

FYI: I just googled “Sullivan Nod” and the first entry says it even works over the phone. I can’t make this stuff up…

That woman flicked Danny off after she honked at him. She must have been upset with his performance in the first episode…or maybe the fact that he looks like Shaggy got under her skin…

If anyone is going to become an axe murderer from this show, it will definitely be Chris. Or Danny.

Honestly…I hate flashback shows. They really draw my ire. Which is why I’m cutting it off early, but I will leave you with these naked pictures of Bea Arthur. Bea Arthur? Outstanding!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

It sucks...

It sucks that Taylor Hooton hung himself. My heart goes out to his family and all of his friends. I hope and pray that I never have to go through a similar situation. It seems like he had a lot going for him and nothing good ever comes out of a teenager taking his own life.

It sucks that Mr. Hooton has become convinced that steroids were the catalyst for Taylor’s suicide. Just because you find a couple of syringes in the room, would you automatically assume they were the cause of his death? If you found a pack of cigarettes or a bag of marijuana, would you jump to the conclusion that they caused Taylor to hang himself?

It sucks that Mr. Hooton has started using his son’s name to jump on the “Anti-Steroid” bandwagon. I know that he is going through an emotional hell and he wants something tangible to blame for taking his son. Just because you want something to blame, it doesn’t mean that there is something there. Like the Columbine shootings, we will never know what was going through the young mans mind at the time. Sometimes mysteries just can’t be solved.

It sucks that Congress is bringing Mr. Hooton to testify. If this were a hearing on teen suicide, Mr. Hooton would be an expert witness. If he is asked any questions about his son’s steroid use and the role of that in Taylor’s suicide, it will all be hearsay. He has no knowledge if the steroids caused the suicide or not. Any testimony he gives will be emotional, but not factual.

It sucks that Congress has taken the time to call baseball players to testify. This time could be better spent working on dead beat parents and alcoholism in families. Tens of thousands of more children will be affected by those two than will be affected by steroids.

It sucks that people jump to conclusions about steroid use due to undue media attention and inaccuracies. Most of the side effects of steroids are due to abuse, not use. The same thing can be said of many other drugs, from aspirin to Viagra.

It sucks that people are judging these baseball players based on the word of Jose Canseco. Jose Canseco! This is a man who went through all of his money and was on the edge of bankruptcy; then he magically found a way to get himself back into the forefront of the public’s eye.

It sucks that people are guilty until proven innocent on a topic where they can’t be exonerated because there is no evidence.

It sucks that the media is making this such a big deal. This is essentially almost a non-story. Now everyone and their mother thinks that steroids are prescribed by Satan himself and the psycho on the corner is suffering from “roid rage”, not good old fashioned alcoholism.

It sucks that I get mad every time I read an article talking about keeping Mark McGwire out of the Hall of Fame because he did something that wasn’t against the rules of the game.

It sucks. The whole thing.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Vikings II...

Signings:

  • Pat Williams – discussed in this space previously (under the heading Jason Ferguson) Yes, this is a great signing. Yes this was an obvious signing. No, you didn’t have to be Miss Clio to see it coming. I understand.

    Hopefully this will free up Kevin Williams a bit and take the edge out of opposing run games for the first two downs. Two things to watch for are his weight and how many downs he plays.
  • Fred Smoot – discussed in this space previously. This is a fantastic signing and has now shored up our cornerbacks. This frees up Brian Williams to move into the nickel back role, which he is much more suited for. Now, we have two cornerbacks who can step up to the run and Smoot is on his way to becoming a legitimate shutdown corner (or as much of a shutdown corner that the new pass interference rules will allow).

    I like the fact that Smoot is a talker. We need some people like that in the secondary. Especially some people who can back up the talk (I’m looking at you Brian Williams). We don’t need Shooter McGavin back there, we need Happy Gilmore; someone who can play the game and back that up with his talk, not talk big and shrink under pressure.
  • Darren Sharper – This is a much needed signing. The safety position needed to be upgraded and Sharper is a huge upgrade over Brian Russell. It’s like we’re getting rid of Creed and replacing them with Pearl Jam. I can’t put into words how much I’ve wanted a different safety back there.

    Ideally, we would have upgraded this position with the second first round pick (I’ll discuss that later) but there were indications that Thomas Davis wouldn’t have been available in that spot anyway. As long as Sharper can come back from the injury that held him back last year, this should be a bang up signing.
  • Travis Taylor – This is a guy who had to go around and beg for a job. He asked the Vikings to bring him in. So, is this a good signing? Depends on what the contract is. Is it the veteran minimum? Then it's fine. He's going to be relegated to 4th receiver once they draft Williams or Edwards (to be discussed more later). I think this ends the Plastico talk also (though Drew Rosenhaus pretty much ended that when he became the new agent).

    Now, could Taylor be good? I think so. Look at the QB's and offense he’s had in at Baltimore. Gawd awful. Dilfer, Banks, Boller, Cunningham, Grbac...these are some of the starters he worked with. It's like having Jerry Rice have to catch passes from the QB from Little Giants. It’s not going to work.

    As much as I hate saying it about a guy this old, I think he has upside. I know he's about 27 and potential should not be said about people that old, but he has potential, because he's never played in a passing offense or with a QB who was better than the QB's at Florida.

    So, he has a chance to move up to the number 3 receiver (ahead of Robinson) and make a bit of a difference. For the price (if it is as low as I think it is) it's a good deal. Otherwise, it's probably a wasted bit of money. But they have the cap room, so why not?
  • Brad Johnson – Ahhh…reliving the glory days. Maybe they can bring Randall back too and make it a good 1-2 punch. Hopefully Culpepper doesn’t get hurt because Johnson has nothing left in the tank and Shaun Hill could barely start in the Arena League. I would have tried to shell out a bit more to keep Ferotte around.
  • I think this should be about it on the free agent front. As mentioned, there is very little chance they will sign Plaxico now. Once he switched over to Drew Rosenhaus as an agent, it became apparent the Vikings weren’t in the plans. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him land in Miami or San Francisco with a 4 or 5 year deal. Rosenhaus has huge ties all over the league.
  • There is also very little chance they will still complete a trade for Rod Gardner. He pretty much has to be traded though. His stock is down and the Redskins have treaded all over him. He will not be back with them and he will probably fetch a 4th round pick. He could end up in Seattle.

Draft

  • The Vikings currently hold 2 first round picks. Mike Williams tore it up during his pro day and I would be shocked if Braylon Edwards doesn’t do the same thing. So, what does that mean for the Vikings? That means that the Randy Moss trade might not net them a starting receiver from the draft. Which means their plan will go down the drain faster than Ben Affleck. There are strong indications that both of them will be gone by the 6th pick (Edwards to the Bears and Williams to the Bucs).

    So, what can they do about it? They’re going to have to package together their first two picks (7 and 18) and trade them with the Browns for their first two picks (3 and the 3rd in the second round). This way, they have a chance to pick Edwards if they want to, or they can take Williams. Or, possibly, take Edwards and work on a trade with the Bears for Williams.

    Either way, this makes sense for both parties involved. The Browns are not sure who they want at number 3 anyway and odds are Smith will still be there at 7 if they want him. If he’s not, they can select a franchise back in Cadillac Williams, which I’m sure they will be fine with. They will also have the second first rounder to mess around with.
  • The other option I see is to keep the pick and hope Williams falls. If he doesn’t, they draft Johnson from Texas with the number 7 and hope Williamson falls to 18, which is a distinct possibility. I don’t like this option as much, since I am now firmly planted on the Mike Williams bandwagon, but this is an option that is worth at least exploring.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

DiCapprio...

As most of you know, celebrities feel that they can push their thoughts and feelings on us and we should do what they do, because they're 'famous'. (I use the term famous here rather loosely because people from the Real World also do this) They tell us how to think and feel on a variety of topics, ranging from who to vote for, what kind of bread to use, to what kind of dog we should have that we can carry around in our pocket. (I'm looking at you on this one Hilton)

Regardless, Leonardo DiCapprio is making the rounds currently. You may remember him as the troubled boy Luke who Mike helped mentor in Growing Pains. Apparently, he feels that everyone in the world should share his views (not unlike Michael Moore) so he is going around, preaching what he feels is right. (Like Michael Moore)

Here is an excerpt from a speech he just gave at Ithaca College. It has been edited to cut down on the coarse language for our impressionable readers:

"Hi, my name is Leonardo DiCaprio. You may remember me from such films as Gangs of New York and The Man in the Iron Mask. But I'm not hiding behind a mask today, because I'm here to discuss with you the important issue of...fuel conservation!

Everytime you drive your crappy, American-made car, a puppy dies. You don't want to kill puppies, do you? You know else liked to kill puppies? Hitler! So, essentially, anyone who drives an American-made car is emulating Hitler. Which is no good for anyone.

And everytime you fill up your gas-powered car with...um...gas, an Angel's wings are taken away! That's right! While you're paying $2.15 a gallon, Beelzebub is stripping wings off poor, defenseless Angels. You people make me sick! I can hardly look at you. Everytime I see one of you, I throw up in my mouth a little. I wish you would all die so we could re-start the world with enviro-savvy people!

The point? You want me to get to the point? Here's the point, you low-rent, no TV starring, washed up, has-been.

You. Joe America. Go get yourself a Renault Clio Electrique like me and save a puppy while letting an Angel keep its wings, ya stupid yankee bastards! Viva la France'!! Oh, yeah, you should have voted for Kerry, because I did and I was in Titanic.

I am so out of here. Later losers..."

Oh, on a separate, related note, I hate Michael Moore. If hate were people, he'd be China!

Monday, March 14, 2005

RR/RW Challenge...

The Miz...

What is the deal with the Miz on all the RR/RW challenges? I mean, he gets all the chicks. He's like the Hugh Heffner of the challenge circuit. He gets any bunny he wants. He looks like he got kicked in the face by a horse, he's about two steps away from becoming an alcoholic, he's an ass and he thinks he's the shit. That's what we call a quadruple threat guy. Throw in the fact that he has created a new disease when his Clap mixed with his Syphilis to form Claphilis and this guy is coming at you from all angles.

What's his appeal? Does he hang out with Sebastion Janikowski before the challenges for some Ruffi advice? Did he sell his soul to Satan for some magical appeal to ladies? Do girls just feel sorry for him? Or are all the girls on the challenges just as slutty as he is, so they just gravitate towards their own kind, like geese in a flock?

Even if the chick doesn't want him, he would score them. I mean, if he wanted to motorboat Julie, in about two minutes, he would be the USS TapDatAzz and he would be riding in the Julian Sea.

I need this explained. Maybe someone out there can do some research and get back to me on what his deal is. I think the public has a right to know…

Friday, March 11, 2005

Apprentice VIII

John looked like a bobblehead when Chris was breaking up the team. Who in the world would he have gotten rid of? It’s not as if his scapegoat is around anymore…

How did Simple Plan eke their way into this show? Wouldn’t this be like the All-Star team starting Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Bucky Jacobson in the same outfield? Don’t they feel a bit out of place?

Is John sexist? I can’t really tell. Then again, someone asked me if the earth was round and I answered the same way. Does that mean anything? But I’m just rambling now…

Do you think Lil’ Jon is pissed he spent 500k on a cup? Do you think he will be when he’s living on a street corner in 7 years? I don’t have the answers; I’m just posing the questions…

I understand you all like the Tana looks like a horse jokes and I have been severely lacking in them the last few updates. It’s pretty much because I used the brunt of them on the first few episodes, never thinking she’d make it this far. So what you’ll have to do, is every time you see her, you’ll have to picture her with her feedback. That’s all I got. Sorry.

John…drums…’freaking out about it’…enough said.

“I know somebody would diggity that…”

A week on tour with Moby and you get to be on stage and help perform a song. Is anyone else praying that Eminem wins this auction?

Whatever happened to that show “Baby Bob” with the talking baby? I really thought show was going to give Cheers a run for its money…

When Tana was on air, she totally looked like the girl who was on Two Guys and a Girl and Boston Common. Except that girl is hot. And I don’t think Tana is. But am I wrong? Now, I’m questioning everything I’ve ever held right and true…

Did Tana make anyone else uncomfortable when she was talking ‘street’? It’s like she picked up a Source magazine right before the taping and she kind of knew what the words meant, but not really. So, it just made her sound like someone who learned to speak English by listening to Tupac and the Police Academy movies.

Gene Simmons is Harry Connick Jr in “Copycat” creepy.

You notice how when they come out of the boardroom, sometimes they stand around and sometimes they sit on that teeny-weeny couch. Why would they ever sit on that couch? It looks so small and uncomfortable and no matter how much you try, you’re not going to be able to escape John’s B.O….

Chris gets really loud when he argues. It’s almost like an SNL sketch. I can see Martin Short just being quiet and then all of the sudden yelling. But Chris really put Carolyn in her place with his argument. Very impressive.

Same ending to every show:
Trump: That was a tough one.
Carolyn: Not going to get easier.
Trump: I’m comfortable with it.
George: You had no choice. Had to be done.


My prediction for a winner after week 8: Still Kendra. She’s flying under the radar no more. Way to step it up and show what you’re made of.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Larry Csonka...

In a stunning turn of events, I was interviewed by football legend Larry Csonka today. What follows is the account of what happened. We’ll let you be the judge. Enjoy…

Larry Csonka: Brent, great to have you here. Glad you could stop by.
Brent Nelson: Well, you are in my room, so I really didn’t have a choice. By the by, you have an awful stench about you. Perhaps you should look into that. It’s not impolite to wear deodorant.

LC: Ha, ha. Very true indeed. So first, what’s your favorite animal?
BN: 5.

LC: Um…I don’t really know what to do with that. That’s a number, not an animal. You do know the difference, don’t you?
BN: I actually get asked that a lot. This is kind of strange, seeing as I have never written a dictionary. You’d think people could look up definitions of words on their own.

LC: Riiiight. Good avoision of the question. Well played. Turning to current events, do you think Ted Turner and Demi Moore will get married?
BN: In fact I do think they will get married. I think Turner has this all planned out. First, he gets Ashton Kutcher to hose some lame TBS sleep-over party. Then, Turner makes sure Ashton brings Demi. While Demi isn’t looking, Turner uses his obscene producing budget to doctor up a tape that intimates that Ashton was getting a little “Michael Jackson” with the children. Demi will then leave Ashton and fall into Ted Turner’s arms. I think it will be…

LC: Sorry to interrupt you. You seemed to be on a roll, but I messed up on the question. I wish this wasn’t a live ‘typing’ of this show (audience groans). I meant, do you think Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher will get married?
BN: Hmmm…yes. Yes I do.

LC: Wrong! They will not get married. Demi will die in a fiery crash that looks like an "accident".
BN: All right.

LC: What do you think Ashton Kutcher’s favorite berry is?
BN: Uhhh…I have no idea. Strawberry?

LC: Wrong! Actually, it’s a huckleberry.
BN: Oh. Good to know. So, now if I’m ever on Jeopardy…

LC
: Ashton Kutcher likes pie. What is his favorite kind?
BN: I think you may have an unhealthy obsession with Ashton Kutcher.

LC: Wrong! My obsession is perfectly healthy and one day we will be joined in holy matrimony! And he likes huckleberry pie.
BN: Interesting.

LC: Ashton Kutcher likes to fantasize about things. What’s his favorite thing to fantasize about?
BN: Get the hell out of my room. This interview is over!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Alumni Event!!

In my mind, there are only a few scenarios that can happen at the KA/A-Chi-O social event at Hofbrauhaus. This is the event that Holzhauser is trying to get alumni brothers to go to. And all of these scenarios I dreamed up could very easily happen and none of them are very pleasant. It’s going to be a car wreck. Without further ado…here is what will happen…


Phil: Man, I could have been a Delt. But I decided I didn't want to be a badass, so I went to KA.
Girl #1: Ummm...aren't you, like, 28?
Phil: I totally used to rip it up on the IM football team. You may have heard rumors about my 90 degree snap.
Girl #1: Actually, I don’t think anyone cares about what happened in the ‘50’s. So, what do you do now?
Phil: Yeah, you're right. I do have a Hummer. You’ve probably never seen one of those before. Only the cool kids get to drive them! Want to see?
Girl #1 (looking around nervously): Not really. Because you're pretty creepy.
Phil: Yeah, I totally used to plow girls like you two at a time.
Girl #1: Uhhh...I'm going to leave now.
Phil: Tell your friends. I’ll be here all night. Glory days! Yes!!


Andy: Man, I love living in the house. It’s like my parents totally used to get on my case about everything, but now I have the freedom to do what I want! Do what you want Andy! Do what you want!
Girl #2: You mean, you like visiting your older brother, who lives in the house?
Andy: No, I live in the house! Do what I want!
Girl #2: You're too small to be in college!
Andy: Actually, I'm 28.
Girl #2: And you live in the house?
Andy (beaming): Yep!
Girl #2: The fraternity house?
Andy (glowing now): Yes.
Girl #2: Didn't you graduate?
Andy: Heck yes I did.
Girl #2 (confused): But you still live in the house?
Andy: Yes.
Girl #2: The fraternity house, right?
Andy: You bet.
Girl #2 (slowly backs away in terror)
Andy: Do what you want Andy! Do what I want!! I don't wanna go to bed, I don't. I live in the fraternity house. That's where I make my own rules! As long as the president says it's okay. Excelsior!!


Kucera: I want to have sex at you!!
Girl #3: Aren’t you like 30?
Kucera: You might not know it to look at me, but I slept my way through the whole Gamma Phi sorority. Jealous?
Girl #3: Not really. Aren’t they a rather homely sorority?
Kucera (thrusting): Yeah, they all wanted a piece of the Stevinator. So I gave it to them!
Girl #3: You know who you look like?
Kucera: The guy who is going to give you the old 'life jacket on an airplane'?
Girl #3: Cute analogy. No, actually, you look like the kind of guy who would profess his love to someone else’s fiancĂ©e via the internet.
Kucera: Like she wasn’t nailed down!
Girl #3: I really don’t know what to do with that. That’s barely a sentence, much less a rational thought. Where did you say you went to medical school again? The Galapagos Islands?
Kucera: I owned this school!!
Girl #3 (walking away): You and your hand have a good night. Maybe you can tell that story to some 18-year old in 20 years!


Go alumni!! Come out and strut your stuff! We got a sweet pledge class too. They really want to get to know all of the alumni. Hoo-rah for KA. Hoo-rah for school!!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Date night...

So anyway, as you all know, because of my lameness and whatnot, I've resorted to the damn internet to find me dates. I figure, it does everything else for me, and in such a loving way, why would it hurt me for trying to use it for dating? Apparently, I've asked my internet for one favor too much and it is sending me in a shame spiral not unlike it has done to the career of Emilio Estevez.

Where am I going with this, you may ask. Well, I will let you in. The date I went on, she seemed pretty cool when I talked to her on the internet and phone; she understood my sense of humor and the whatnot. It seemed to me (though I've had a differing opinion from one Josef Dvorak) like she looked reasonably presentable in her picture. But therein lies the rub. Apparently, she either:

a) used some sort of trick photography
b) used a picture of someone else
c) used some sort of trick photography on a picture of someone else

but at least I was completely unattracted to her right away. So, that made the night long and arduous. Have you ever been out with someone with whom you have zero physical attraction? It's like being on a date with a dead fish. But at least the fish puts out! I kid, I kid.

So, that was the whole problem. Left the night on one of the "Well...nice meeting you." And zooom...there's a Brent shaped hole in the wall. I only wish I could have made that hole about 3 hours earlier...

Monday, March 07, 2005

Facts about Marc Summers...

courtesy of the Internet Movie Database (imdb.com)
  • Has/had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
  • Adopted stage name "Summers" becuase of media attention surrounding Summer of Sam killer David Bercowitz.
  • Attended North Central High School in Indianapolis.
  • Guest-hosted one week on "Scrabble" (1984) in 1987 while host Chuck Woolery played against other game show hosts.
  • His daughter, Merideth, was an assistant on "Pick Your Brain" (1993).

Friday, March 04, 2005

Apprentice VII

Ahhh…another similarity between me and Audrey (and by another, I mean one). If we get frustrated and don’t know what to say in an argument, we swear at the other person and leave. I also like to throw in a ‘whatever’ for good measure…but everyone can add their own personal flair.

Great goggily-moogily did Angie look super gross when she answered the phone. It was like an agiler Alison Beckner got thrown in her place.

Is it just me or does Erin look like she’s constantly in awe? It’s like she is always seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time. Someone could give her a plate of eggs and she would look at it like it’s a perpetual motion machine. She should probably work on that. That and the butt-ugly hair.

Audrey’s strategy of wanting to be project leader because she has played miniature golf is super lame. That’s like saying you want to be project manager because you’ve eaten before. She should have said “You all threw me under the bus…so let’s see what I can do as a leader.”

When John said “You sold me” what he really meant was “See you later Sweetie.”

I’m laying this on the table. I have no faith in Audrey as a leader. Though she’s hot…I smell blood in the water. This is a horrible career move for her. It’s like Affleck deciding to do Gigli instead of Gladiator.

That’s my girl Kendra, coming up with the sweet ideas. That’s a good promotion, especially for a one day event. Well played. Especially the exclusive aspect.

Audrey is like the captain of the Titanic here. Christ. She’s still hot though. I’ll be first in line for her Playboy spread.

Wow…John thinks he’s better than everyone. He has a little bit of Paris Hilton syndrome. Boy is his face going to be red when that sex tape he made with Emilio Estevez comes out. But turnabout is fair play…

Honestly, I think this third time is the charm for Audrey. I have very little faith. I’m like Timberwolves fans in the 4th quarter…gone. It has to be either her or John. It’s going to be guys versus girls. I hope John gets the boot though. Emilio is missing him.

Three people in the boardroom? Dumb idea. Fight your own battle…doesn’t bring in a Wild Bill Hickok to fight for you. You don’t need the hired gun. Use your own ammunition.

What’s that sound? Is that a ’78 Chevy? Or is that Audrey’s plan backfiring?

This is hard for me to watch. I feel like Jason Kubel must have felt when he watched replays of every one of his at-bats against the Yankees in the playoffs last year.

Still hot. Damn. But what in the Sam Hill does this final quote mean? “In the end, those of us that walk away winning win more than just the loss.” Either she’s super smart and that is way over my head…or it is barely a sentence. Microsoft seems to agree with me.

My prediction for a winner after week 6: Still Kendra. Finally she showed some of her hustle. She is like the Mark Madsen of the Apprentice…working hard for very little credit.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Timberwolves IV - GM Brent Nelson

OK, it’s obvious the Timberwolves season is a wash. There’s going to be no Bad News Bearsesque comeback. It’s not in the cards. This is not a playoff caliber team. It happened so fast that many of us missed the signs, but it’s very obvious now. Sorry about that bet in Vegas dad. You’re probably not going to be able to recoup that.

But there is a silver lining in an otherwise wasted season. It gives me the chance to play fantasy GM (or, in about 3 months, I can be in the competition for real GM) and plot what the Wolves should do with the rest of their season, into the off-season and into the draft.
  • We need to shut Garnett down. Does that make it look like you’re giving up on the season? Yes, it does. Are people going to like that? No, they’re not. Is it best for the team? I’ll let you decide. Which is going to help the Wolves more: KG going for 24-12-5 in a loss while possibly causing long term damage to his knee or John Thomas going 8-4-1 in a loss while KG sits on the sideline with that “injured” Cassell? I think it’s obvious. This season is a wash. Let’s start looking to the future.
  • Play Ebi. OK, we drafted him in the first round. He has about as many minutes as the Best Buy Hoop guy does this season. I know he’s been “injured” all season. Bull. They just don’t have a roster spot for him. When the rosters expand, bring him on. We need to see what he can do against NBA competition. Could he fall on his face? Yeah, it could happen. But when is a better time to give it a try? You be on Red 14 Mr. McHale, so let’s see if the bet will pay off.
  • Sit Sprewell. I’m talking put him at the end of the bench, and don’t make him even get up for timeouts. Maybe he can learn how to do that from Kandi? Spree is one of the main reasons the Wolves blew it this year. His constant me-first attitude and non-team play was horrible. If we can’t put him in the ring with Chong Li, I think this is the next best alternative. So, let’s sit him and make it even tougher for him to find a job next year. It’s vindictive and petty, so Spree should have a total grasp of what is going on.
  • Trade for Kidd. This is a no-brainer. We have to make this work. Here, we have the best point guard in the game, and he wants to come to Minnesota. He’s unhappy where he is. And we all know what an unhappy player can do to a season. I think the package has to be Wally Z. and Cassell. The problem is, the Nets have Jefferson and Carter playing Wally’s position already. So, we have to get a third team involved. I think it has to be someone like the Celtics. We could get Kidd, send Cassell to the Nets, Wally to the Celtics and the Celtics send Blount to the Nets to complete the trade. Blount gets a change of scenery and possibly repeats his All-Star performance while giving the Nets a reliable big man. Wally has a chance to be relished in Boston in the Larry Bird redux role. Cassell gets to return to the Nets and prove that the Wolves treated him wrong (which they didn’t). And Kidd gets to be united with KG to form the Magic-Kareem connection of the new millennium (which is almost what they had if Marbury hadn’t pulled a Knoblauch and thought he was too good for everything).
  • Draft a swingman. I haven’t followed enough college basketball to know who to draft yet. It’s not that hard to have a successful draft. Here is a list of things he needs to be:

    - A junior or senior…in college.
    - Plays a 2 or 3.
    - Hit’s the outside shots.
    - Wants the ball.
    - Has consistently been on winning teams.

And that’s how we solve the Wolves problems. My door is open Glen. Take the opportunity.

Sidenote: to the Vikings: for the love of God, please don’t sign Plaxico Burress! He is not a legitimate number one receiver. Remember that guy you just got rid of? I think his name was Moss. You didn’t like his “attitude”. Well, Plaxico has the same attitude. Except he’s a worse player. So, if you’re not going to put up with it with the best receiver in the game, how are you going to put up with it with a receiver who doesn’t even crack the top 10? You have a chance to draft Mike Williams or possibly Braylon Edwards. Don’t get fancy. You can take a safety with the 18th pick. Please. Don’t mess this up! End sidenote.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Vikings I

Now that it’s official, I guess I’ve come to grips with it. Initially I thought trading Randy Moss was like a doctor deciding to amputate your arm because you broke your leg. It just didn’t make any sense. It was almost like the locker scene in Road Trip; there just to be there, without helping anything.

But I’ve started to like it more with each passing day. We got the number 7 pick, which can turn into a starting wide out, a 5th rounder and Napoleon Harris, who has been adequate and has potential (though I have to quote the famous Jimmy Lee here, in that there should be an age limit on potential). Maybe Napoleon just needs a change of scenery so he can flourish. And it’s not like he’s bringing great expectations with him. They’re plugging him in on a defense that would be hard pressed to stifle a USC drive, much less a Packers drive. He should feel comfortable in his new role.

I do still like Moss though and hope this turns out well for him. Maybe he will be the Ryan Atwood to the Raiders Cohen family. I hope so. Plus, we already know Al Davis is going to be the Caleb of the Cohens and there is a chance Moss will punch him in the face. I just hope there are cameras around and soft, soothing music in the back ground. But perhaps I’ve said too much…

Here are the moves I think the Vikings need to make through the draft to have a chance to move into the upper echelon of the NFC…

  • I am firmly entrenched in the Fred Smoot bandwagon. This is a Deion Sanders-esque player. Sure, he may go for the ball a little too often and may not be physical enough, but he’s young, fast and knows how to play the position. If they lock him up with Winfield on the other side and Chavous in the secondary, all of the sudden, our crappy defense starts to look a bit better. Add that to the fact that we’ll now have three fast, athletic linebackers and we’re starting to go somewhere.
  • If the Cowboys deal falls through, the Vikings need to get on the ball and sign Jason Ferguson. Having a NT like him can help free up Kevin Williams and open some more gaps for Thomas, Harris and Henderson.
  • I would look into adding Idrees Bashir to the secondary to add a bit of depth. Because, let’s face it, the depth of the Vikings secondary is like the Rio Grande…non existent. They could probably grab someone out of the Rio Grande and have him start before Corey Ross should have. (Sorry to steal your thunder Mr. Tice)
  • Unfortunately, there is no team to trade down with for the 7th pick. I think it’s too early to take Williams but it has to be done. A huge coup would be if Edwards and Williams are both there. This is possible, though I see Edwards going to the Titans at number 6. Both of those guys impressed at the combine. Edwards did the bench when it wasn’t required and Williams decided to run when he didn’t need to. Shows they put in the extra effort and the confidence they have.
  • Shaun Cody? If he’s still there, they need to snap him up at 17. Especially if the Ferguson deal falls through.

There you go Tice. If you need to get a hold of me, my office is always open.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Pirate...

I have been thinking about a career change recently. Some would say that I should move into a more creative field than financial analysis and others would say I should stay right where I am. Still others don’t really know me and have no idea why they’re reading this. It may have to do with the mini-muffin basket I sent them, it may not. That is one of life’s true mysteries and we’ll probably never know the true answer. Kind of like in the Karate Kid and what in the world was Ali Mills doing with Daniel LaRusso? Was there some sort of elaborate prank involved? Was he going to wake up one morning, naked in the school parking lot? Had he screwed over her half-brother and this was her way of getting even? There must be some sort of rational explanation that the producers failed to mention during the movie. But I digress…

Now, back to the main subject of this piece…the possibility of a career change for Brent Nelson. I’ve looked in various fields, for various jobs, while taking into consideration job satisfaction, benefits and my ability to perform the job at a Roger Clemens level of achievement. I have come up with only one conclusion and I think everyone who is reading this knows what I am thinking before I’ve even said it.

The only job for me is a job on the high seas. No, my friends, I am not talking about becoming Pluto and performing on the Disney Cruise line, though that presents an excellent back-up plan. I am talking about becoming a pirate!!

Now, I’m sure this has been in the back of everyone’s mind for years. Who wouldn’t want to become a pirate? Look at the hours! Look at the benefits! Look at the midgets you’ll get to hang around! Who hasn’t thought of chucking this work-a-day world to live the life under the raised Jolly Rogers? I’m not talking about those new-fangled pirates, what with their speedboats, functioning limbs, lack of planks, perfect vision and nary a shoulder parrot to be seen. No, I am talking about the traditional pirate!

I am talking about a pirate who only bathes once a year, when they are pillaging a ship bringing spices to the new world. I’m talking about a pirate with gangrenous tissue on his leg from the amputation used to create the much sought after “peg leg”. The pirate I speak of has lost his hand and it has been replaced by an interchangeable hook/knife contraption, based on whether he is plundering or enjoying a nice eel dinner. Pirates who end up poking their eyes out with their hook and have to use a patch to cover the socket, lest he scare small children with the heinous hole in his face. Those are the kind of pirates I’m talking about. And, let’s face it, we all have thought about it and you’re all glad someone is finally doing something about it!

I think this is a very noble career change. Allow me to answer some of the unspoken questions I’m sure you have.
  • Will you have a parrot? Yes, I will have a parrot. It will be able to speak 6 languages, fetch water for me and be sarcastic towards my captives. His name will be Chad and he will be blue, with an orange beak and x-ray vision. Pretty much the most perfect parrot you’ve ever seen.
  • Will the ship have a plank? Yes, I will have two planks. One for the women and one for the men. There may be no segregation in the USA, but all bets are off in international waters. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. I don’t make up the rules, I just report the facts.
  • Will you have business cards? Of course I will have business cards. I will leave one on each ship I plunder, to make sure they know who took their stuff. This will allow the authorities to hunt me and I can become huge. Teddy Roosevelt huge!! Who wants to go through all the work of pillaging and plundering and have that half-assed pirate, Capt. Hook, steal all the glory? This is a must for pirates of the new millennium.
  • What will your pirate name be? Phil. Like the groundhog Phil.
  • Will you be a singing pirate? Of course. The crew will basically stick to show tunes, but will have a small cabaret act on special occasions. Dinner will be provided with the show, at a premium. Reservations are not required, but are strongly encouraged.
  • How big are the cannons on the ship? We are not going to go with the extremely large cannons. The cannons on our ship will be based on “quality not quantity”. We’re not looking for people to be scared of the cannons; we’re looking to loot other ships with the sneaky quickness of out quality cannons. We are in talks with many cannon manufacturers, trying to work out the best deal. The cannons will also have two big wheels, like in the Civil War, because let’s face it; the best cannons are Civil War cannons. No doubt about it.
  • What will the ship name be? Though we will have a democratic process to determine the name, the first thought is Karl’s Folly. Since I am the captain, and have the most hideous “peg leg”, my vote counts more than everyone else’s.
  • What will the name of your crew be? Since we have a raised Jolly Rogers on our ship, Karl’s Folly, I put two and two together and came up with The Jolly Folly.
  • Why would I join you as opposed to another pirate ship? Merchandising opportunities! Who wouldn’t want a Karl’s Folly T-Shirt, Jolly Folly action figures or a painting of the Karl’s Folly captain, Phil? This is where the upside is people! That and the looting.

Now, there is a simple reason why I am relaying this to all of you. I am looking for a crew to join me in my quest of bringing traditional pirates back to the forefront of the news. If you would like to help me, it would be much appreciated. So, if you’re unhappy in your job or you already have the requisite “peg leg”, contact me to join my small band of merry pirates. Singing and dancing ability a plus, but not required. If you have your own parrot, that is looked upon favorably. We are also looking for two midgets to entertain us and be our mascots. Extra benefits will be paid if you are an actual dwarf. Spread the word! We’re looking for a few good men (and some midgets)!