Thursday, December 28, 2006

Sports Guy and the Waterboy Theory...

Now, as my loyal readers know, my pride and joy is The Waterboy Theory. I have cultivated it from a little sapling (as opposed to a giant sapling), lived with it through all the awkward teen years and have watched it grow into a collassal waste of time...errr theory that only my friends and family use. However, I hope that is all about to change:

In his current re-review of Rocky Balboa, the Sports Guy aka Bill Simmons, explained why people thought the movie was good (everything in bold and italics is taken from

1. Most people were expecting an epic train wreck and ended up being pleasantly surprised (and relieved) that it wasn't an epic train wreck. That's going to artificially skew any opinion, right? I just can't shake the feeling that everyone who liked the movie was inadvertently grading it on a pronounced curve.
For instance, let's say you have an uncle who became involved with a former stripper who cheated on him, became addicted to crystal meth, kept stealing from him and eventually bankrupted him before she was arrested for trying to run him over with a car. It was such a bad experience that he didn't date anyone else for five years and he's been in therapy the entire time. Then he announces to the family that he's showing up for Christmas with his new girlfriend ... and everyone in the family is completely terrified because he's had such horrible taste with women. What happens? He shows up with a nice enough girl who's friendly and really seems to like him. Maybe she's a C-plus under normal circumstances, but given your uncle's history, she feels like an A-minus and nobody can stop talking about how nice she is. And that's what happened with this last Rocky movie. If "Rocky V" was the crystal meth stripper, then "Rocky Balboa" was the C-plus girlfriend who felt like an A-minus.

Almost two years ago, I blogged about this very phenomenon: The Waterboy Theory. Click on the link to view the Theory if you haven't seen it before.

The general premise is very similar, albeit Simmons swayed from the actual movie and used an analogy. However, I still believe the Sports Guy described, to a T, The Waterboy Theory. I have sent the Sports Guy an e-mail and I hope Mr. Simmons will give credit where credit is due, and relate my theory, and homeless Sports Guy-id-ness, to his readers...

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Peter King fantasy advice??

OK, I enjoy Peter King. I like MMQB. Here's what I don't like; his fantasy picks. How many times this year has he recommeded Roscoe Parish? I mean...ROSCOE PARRISH!!!! I really need to go back and count.

And then he'll go recommend Peyton Manning. Really...should I start Peyton this week? Good call. So...why does he have a fantasy column? Shouldn't he just stick to the games or am I crazy? Here's some of his "tips" for this week...with my comments following (in red and italics)

4. Steve McNair has thrown two interceptions in the seven weeks Brian Billick has been calling offensive plays for Baltimore. In other words, with Cleveland coming to town, play McNair -- unless you've got Peyton Manning or Drew Brees on your roster. Steve McNair as the number three QB? Really? I mean, Cleveland is bad...but come on. Ever hear of Brady, Palmer or Romo?

5. If you scout the Buffalo Bills, you know the ball's going deep to Lee Evans once or twice every Sunday, minimum. Yet J.P. Losman's still able to get it to him. Moral of the story: Don't be scared off by defensive player of the year Jason Taylor chasing down Losman on Sunday in Orchard Park, play Evans at any cost this week. And if you can slip in Roscoe Parrish, you know how much I like him. Ugh! Again? Roscoe Parish? I mean...he did okay in week 3, but the cat has 17 receptions and 2 TD's for the year. I think I can find a few better people to start than him...

6. Antsy about playing Ben Roethlisberger because of all the receiver problems with the Steelers? Don't be. Not this week, anyway. The Panthers host Ben, and Hines Ward is likely to return after two weeks rehabbing a 'scoped knee. Play Ben, and play Santonio Holmes. I'm not sold on Holmes, but he gets the start against some lousy cornerbacks this week. This isn't that bad, but would you really recommend Santonio Holmes in the week Hines Ward returns from injury? Wouldn't you say Ronald Curry? I mean, he just got elevated to the number 1 receiver.

7. I'll tell who's slumping. David Carr. One TD pass in his last seven games. If you play him, Bruce Gradkowski must be your other quarterback. And what are you doing in the playoffs with David Carr as your guy? The only Texan worth a look this week, with the battered Pats' defense, is battering ram Ron Dayne. don't play David Carr!!! Thanks coach. What about Mike Bell?

8. Hmmm. Cincinnati-Indy. Don't be so sure Rudi Johnson will rush for 240. Tony Dungy and defensive coordinator Ron Meeks will put an eighth body down in the box often Monday night -- even if it's softer sub safety Matt Giordano -- to make sure the Bengals running game doesn't gash the Colts like Jacksonville did last week. Is he saying to not start Rudi? Should we also not start Roy Williams because the Packers defense will try to avoid getting shown up by the Detroit offense?

I love Peter King. I really do. But not do a fantasy column next year!!!!

Monday, December 11, 2006


Note to the lady who is at Lifetime and tells people about laser surgery; just because you have a lab coat on, you are not a doctor. Also...your shirt makes you look like a who-er. FYI. Might want to stick those little nuggets in your backpocket.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

My Daddy Usher...

Begin Scene:

The kitchen of one of Miss Johnson's students. The student, Billy, and his mom, Marinda, are standing around the center island, enjoying Christmas cookies and milk. They're happily putting popcorn on a string to put around their tree while listening to Frosty the Snowman on TV...

Marinda: So, Billy. What's new?
Billy: Nothing too much. When's Usher...I mean Dad, getting home?
Marinda: (looks around nervously) where's your postcard?
Billy: What postcard?
Marinda: The one Miss Johnson sends to all the students.
Billy: I didn't get one! She hates me!!

Billy knocks over his glass of milk and runs to his bedroom in tears, covering his eyes so no one can see him crying due to the crushing nature of realizing Miss Johnson forgot about him.

Marinda: (laughingly) least that got his mind off the (in air quotes) "Usher situation".

Studio audience laughs uproariously.

End Scene

Friday, December 01, 2006

The Ruse...

The Setting: The basement of a house. Two people (BN and JP) are sitting down there, waiting to be taken to a dinner that is owed to them. One of the people who owes the dinner (PK) walks in.

BN: About firkin' time Phil. I'm starving.
JP: I could eat glass at this point you crotch.
PK: Funny thing guys. We're not taking you to dinner.
BN: What in the butt are you talking about?
PK: Well, Matt and I talked it over and we don't have much money.
JP: Isn't that your Hummer blocking traffic out there?
PK (looking annoyed): Yeah...whatever. We just don't have the money.
BN: It's like 20 bucks dude. Just don't go to Hollywood Blvd this weekend and you're fine.
PK (looking confused):'s not going to happen. Sorry.
JP passes out from hunger
PK (looks at JP): guys eaten yet?
BN: No douche. We were waiting for you to take us out. I hate you more than poison.