Wednesday, December 26, 2007


there is someone out there who reads my blog. Alison and I got home the other day, and what was in the mailbox? That's right...

M.U.S.C.L.E. MEN!!!!!

So thank you, to the fantastic blog reader, who decided to make it a Merry Christmas in the Nelson household by sending the gift of little plastic pink men...


Now, I've been working hard to do a daily blog for all you daily, M-F. Now, Alison and I are leaving for Arizona today, so there will be no new blogs until next week. I feel your pain.

I will leave you with this (and it's the truth):

Brent: OK, so I added a stat tracker to my blog, to find out how people are finding it in search engines.
Brent: Guess what the search is where over half the people come to my blog is.
Brent: The search most people come to my blog from is...Betty White Nude Photos.
Justin: What?????????????
Brent: Yep...many people are searching for that.
Brent: I have no words....
Brent: It's crazy. It was over 30 searches, from all over the USA.
Justin: So then they just read your blog?
Brent: No, they click on it, don't see any Betty White ass, and click the back button.
Brent: Time spent is typically zero seconds

Go Society!! Am I right people?

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Another one...

So, I'm on my way to Jonathan and Adriann's wedding on Friday. I'm in stop and go traffic on 694E, minding my own business, trying to figure out the 15th decimal point in pi, because I'd forgotten.


All of the sudden, I'm tatered from behind (head out of the gutter Dan) by some truck. I wasn't even moving and I get rear-ended...again Someone hit them, then they hit into me, then I got out of my car and started swearing; you know, the usual chain of events.

But I don't get it. I'd never been hit before I got the Audi, now I've been rear-ended twice in 6 months, and both times I was at a complete stop. I'm like the Houdini of driving, if, you know, Houdini had constantly gotten hit while he sat in traffic.

At least they had insurance...but I'm sure that will be another fun fiasco to deal with...

Friday, December 21, 2007

Professional Model aka Take THAT Huiras

Well, I just got back from my photo shoot at Lifetime and I suppose that makes me a professional model, since I got paid and all.

Overall, it was a great experience. I got there and they put me into the "personal trainer" duds, complete with shirt, jacket and women's medium pants, since the men's medium were too big and there were no men's small.

Then, I got to head on down to make-up, where they covered my gross cuts I get from shaving since I am less than careful when I shave.

I then met the other guy I was modeling with. His name was Wade and he's from Plymouth. He was supposed to be the "client" to my "personal trainer" for the shoot. Wade had done professional modeling in Houston and now he's living up here.

Then, I met the photographer, David Ellis. He said they were going to shoot it documentary style, which meant we just had to sit there and talk, laugh, gesture and they'd just shoot it. So, they sat us down in the LifeCafe (the food court in Lifetime) and just started shooting. They shot three different poses of us (and in one of the poses, my back is to the camera, so they'll probably pick that least my odd shaped head will be noticable) and we were done in about 20 minutes.

The art director came over and said we did a great job. Then, we were background players in another shoot and that one took a bit longer.

They wanted me to come back next Thursday for another shoot, but I told them I was unfortunately going to be out of town, so I couldn't attend. However, I told them to give me a call if they have a need for someone like me in future shoots (how slick am I?).

Overall, I had a great time. We were there only 3 hours and got paid quite a bit for that time. I'd wanted to (obviously) do something like this quite awhile, so it was great to actually have a chance to be on a professional photo shoot. I hope the pictures make it out into a campaign, and if they do, I'll be sure to post them here.

Hopefully, there will be more shoots in the future...

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


So, I'm looking at the site that linked itself off my webpage through the fabulous ad program and I come across the following ad:

- Notice the price! ($99.99)
- Notice the button! (metal!)
- Notice the saying! (I just want my wife and my girlfriend to get along)
- Notice how many of the flippin' things you have to buy!! (100!!)
- Notice in the close-up below they show what the button would look like it it were on a lapel (had you purchased a blank we don't know what a firkin' button on a shirt looks like)

Is this a joke? I can't even think of a place I would need one of these (not to mention any other buttons, which, let's face it, are basically body bumper stickers and we know the kind of hillbillies that rock bumper stickers) let alone 100! I mean, it's not funny, it's annoying, took 3 nanoseconds of thought to come up with and there are 100 of them!!!! You can be giving this "gag" gift away until someone mercifully "gags" you with an chloroform-infused towel and puts your hilarity out of its misery.

I can only assume that this place has never sold anything. Ever. Not once. Not ever. And if they have, here's a new button I just made that will probably sell just as well as the one above:

About time...

As most of you know, years ago, I moved to L.A. to try to be a model/actor. And, as many of you know, besides "discovering" Village Pizzeria, hanging out nightly with James and delivering salmon and broccoli to Jon Lovitz, it was not a very successful venture.

But now, in good old Minneapolis, I have been contacted by Lifetime Fitness to be a model in their upcoming ad campaign. What kind of model, you ask? Well...I don't have the details, and I could totally mess up the shoot so the pictures end up looking like the Bing/Gellar engagement photos and are unusable. It might also be a group shot of a million people, taken by GoogleEarth and you might not be able to tell it's besides my signature hairstyle. OK, I lied, I have no signature hairstyle.

But the shoot is real (I believe), and it's happening Friday before Jonathan and Adriann's wedding. So, eventually I'll let everyone know how it went. Double crosses people!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Not the brightest bulb...

This is a conversation I had today with someone I'll call Justin P. No, wait...that's too obvious. He'll be J. Petredis. about Subject A? Yes...that's the ticket...

Subject A: I hope TO goes nuts soon
Brent: You mean MORE nuts?
Brent: hahahahahaha
Brent: ZING!
Brent: BAM!
Subject A: That made me sad.
Brent: BOYIE!!!
Subject A: I think you should do stand up comedy.
Brent: Already do.
Brent: It's one YouTube.
Subject A: Ae you joking?
Brent: a search for Brent Nelson Stand-Up Acme Minneapolis.
Brent: Should be the first one.
Subject A: Really?
Brent: Yep.
Brent: Just a one time thing to see how it went.
Brent: It did not go well.
Subject A: Oh.
Subject A: I will watch.
Subject A: That would be tough.
Subject A: To do stand up.
Brent: Prepare to laugh!!
Subject A: I will let you know my review.
(five minutes pass)
Subject A: I hate you.
Subject A: Why do you mess with me like that?
Subject A: I am very sensitive.
Brent: For hilarity.
Brent: Couldn't find it?
Subject A: No.
Subject A: But well played.
Subject A: I didn't believe you at first...
Subject A: but when you said it didn't go well
Subject A: and
Subject A: prepare to laugh...
Subject A: I was sold.

Normally, I couldn't fool my mother on the foolingest day of my life even if I had an electrified fooling machine! Luckily, I've ran into the most gullible person since Akash...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Rhode Island??

So, Alison and I are watching old episodes of 48 Hours Mystery since the writers' strike is having an adverse effect on decent television to watch (I can only hope that the writers on The Hills can keep it up and they force Spencer to continue to rock it out with his flesh-colored beard).

Anyway, obviously, someone has reached an untimely demise, because that's the point of 48 Hours Mystery. So, this cop is trying to figure out the identity of "Castro Valley's Jane Doe". Castro valley is in California, by the way. (Go geography!!)

And they're interviewing him, and he says the following:

"She could be from anywhere. She could be from Louisiana. She could be from Rhode Island. She..."

Rhode Island? How in the butt do you think that one up? If I were thinking of states that someone could be from, Rhode Island doesn't even appear on the list before Denial (The state of denial...get's clever...take that Cleaver), which is the state this d-bag is living in if he thinks anyone who's watching this (me, Alison, his mom) thinks he's clever at all...

Anyway, here's the end of what would be my personal state list:

54. Denial
55. Perpetual Bliss
56. Oregon
57. Hamburger University
58. Pohnpei
59. Anarchy
60. Rhode Island

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Stocking Stuffer?

OK, so I'm at the local Holiday Stationstore ('s all one word...I have the receipt right here), pumping some gasoline into the old ride. I'm out there, shivering my buns off, when I see the advertisement on the pump for what's in the store.

At the top, it says "Holiday Stores Stocking Stuffers" and then it lists three items, each more ridiculous than the previous.

1. M&M's : I know what you're thinking; you wouldn't mind coming downstairs on Christmas morning and finding that the fat man left you some chocolate instead of stealing your goodies. And you'd be right. This is the "Terminator" of their stocking stuffer gifts.

2. Pringles : Really? Pringles? Well...I guess I can see it if you really like chips. I mean, Pringles are pretty decent chips, if, you know, I hadn't choked on one when I was little. But still...I can think of about a million things (like this) I'd rather have in my stocking than Pringles. I suppose this is the "Last Action Hero" of their gifts.

3. Red Baron Pizza : Oh, come on! This can't be for real. Frozen pizza? Who in the butt has an Igloo-brand stocking to keep the pizza cold? And seriously, unless your stocking comes in "John Goodman Size", you're not fitting a cruppin' pizza box in there! This...this right the "Batman & Robin" of their ideas.

Who are these people? Seriously! Where are they getting their ideas? Has this ever caused anyone to go..."You know what...Johnny does like pizza; maybe I should put some in his stocking?"

While you're at it, you might as well get him a lifetime supply of zoloft, because little Johnny is going to be pretty depressed when he realizes his parents are morons...

They're back!!

Now, don't everyone go sending her e-mails; this is my money...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


So, in June, some guy rear ended me. I decided to not go through insurance, because I'm a nice guy/moron and I figured he'd end up paying me. Well...he has been paying me...slowly. It's now December and he still owes about $200. Here was the last conversation I had with him:

Nate: Sorry it's taken me a bit of time to get the money.
Brent: (seething) Oh...not a problem at all. I don't even really like money.
Nate: Yeah, it's been rough. I lost my job a few weeks ago.
Brent: (craaaaaaapppppppp)
Brent: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nate: Yeah, it's okay though, I just got another job.
Brent: Oh, that's good to hear.
Nate: Yeah, I went into business for myself.

And apparently the business hasn't been all that successful, since I haven't seen any money since then and his phone is now disconnected. always...I'm a moron...

Monday, December 10, 2007

Robin Hood?

Now, I may be off on this. I'm not a we all know. But I do read quite a bit. Sure, I don't read about much history, but I have seen numerous Robin Hood movies, such as:

Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
That Disney one with the animals
(think about it)
The Adventures of Robin Hood (I never saw this one but it's on, so I assume it exists)

And in all my viewings, never, NOT ONCE, did they intimate that Robin Hood was a cross-dresser. Then I find this (picture to the right)

A coloring contest for kids where Robin(a) Hood is wearing a dress and displaying, if I do say so myself, ample bosom.

So, really, what the crap coloring contest? Do you have some knowledge that we don't or is this all in your mind? Society has the right to know!

By the by...I am sooooo winning that contest.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Earth Boy to the rescue!!!

Justin: You threw Toyota Prius in the mix with Geo Metro and Ford Festivus?
Brent: Yep.
Brent: My little knock on the crap that is the Prius.
Justin: The hybrid that gets over 50 mpg?
Brent: Yeah, what's your point?
Justin: Don't you want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem?
Brent: Get a life Earth Boy...

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

More Stupid Advertising....

So, a couple nights ago, my dad and I were at the T-Wolves game, watching Sebastian Telfair turn the ball over about 800 times.

After the shellacking, we were leaving the game and passing all the stands in the concourse. We walked by the Lemon Chill stand and on the front, their slogan was...


Are you kidding me?
That's what you came up with for your slogan?
What...did you have have a team of monkeys working 3 nanoseconds on that one?
Was FanLEMONtastic already taken?
Was just putting LEMON too easy?
Did everyone just decide they didn't care anymore?

I need to know how they came up with this slogan, so Johnny Q. Monkey over at the Lemon Chill company, please send me an electronic mail and let me know who the adwizards were who came up with that one...

Stupid Gas Station!!!

So, I'm sitting at the pump at the gas station, freezing me bum (yeah...I went quasi-British on you) off, filling up the Audi with some premium grade gasoline. I'm looking around, minding my own business, when I hear some wheels spinning.

I look over to where the noise is and I see a white Geo Metro (or Ford Festivus or Toyota know...some FacePoop car that no one wants to be caught dead in) struggling to get up the unplowed hill of the gas station.

Then, the guy (who was in the passenger seat...which meant his girlfriend/wife/sister was driving) gets out and heads to the back of the car to start pushing it up the hill. The wheels are spinning and the car jumped forward. The guy fell face first into the snow.

He get up, and looks towards the gas station store (which is, obviously, not wide open) and waves his arms while screaming:


Then, he walked up to where the crap car he was riding in was parked and proceeded to use the free air to fill the tires and leave.

Yeah dude...that's what the gas station really cares about...the D-Bag who comes in all pissed about the conditions and is only there for the free air. He probably also gets upset when he stops by the gas station to wash his windshield and there isn't a squeegee there. I hate people...

Monday, December 03, 2007

Timeshare Tomfoolery...aka Paradise Village Hell

So, Alison and I just got back from our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta. It was a great time, but I'm sure you don't want to hear about that. No, you want the funny.

Anyway, when you get through customs, there is a huge timeshare gauntlet that you have to navigate. But they don't let you know it's a timeshare gauntlet. So, we go through there and some guy goes "You with Expedia?" And we said yes, so he sent us to this overstuffed Mexican lady.

And she starts yippin' and yappin'. And we're tired. We just want to go to our hotel. And she keeps offering us stuff. And offering. Finally, somehow (I might have fallen asleep), I was giving her a $50 deposit to go on a timeshare tour the next day. Crag!!

Fast forward to the next morning...

We get up and take the 50 minute taxi ride to this place. Nice place. I mean...looked nice. Paradise Village is actually know...if hell looks nice.

So, they sign us up and say it will be 90 minutes. So, this French Canuck Lady (FCL) starts taking us around. Takes us to the glorious buffet (a tray of cold eggs, stale muffin stumps and OJ). While there, a "waiter" took our OJ order...and brought us the OJ.

Then, we get up to go on the tour. FCL says "They don't pay very well here, so can you leave the waiter a tip?" Tip? You're trying to convince us to buy and you want us to leave money? You can't afford the buck? I bet she took it while we weren't looking.

Anyhoo, she brought us around the grounds and answered our questions. Alison mentioned that she didn't like swimming in the ocean because there might be sharks. FCL said that there are no sharks in the bay. I don't know how they keep them out of the bay, or it's just a sensory thing. Or, oh yeah, she'd say the earth is flat if it would help you buy a timeshare.

So, FCL finished showing us the grounds and finally brought us back to the "closer" (who was scarier looking than Kyra know...if that were possible) who was going to go over our options with us.

Now, obviously, I'm not interested in the place. And I guess I was acting bored (though it wasn't much of an act) and the following occurred:

Scary Kyra Sedgwick (SKS): And, as you can see by this snazzy graph, in thirty years, it's going to cost you 179,999 for a two week hotel stay.
Brent: Umm...if that were true, and we know it's not, wouldn't salaries have kept up with inflation to make it a moot point?
SKS: Listen...I'm just trying to do my job, so the least you can do is sit there and give me some respect. It's like when Alison here is teaching her class, she should have their respect and it should be the same way here.
Brent: (sits and contemplates going bitchcakes on her)
SKS: look like you want to punch me.
Alison: (puts her hand on my arm to calm me down)
SKS: You really look like you want to punch me. But let me go over some more options we can do for you...

And, at that point, all we wanted to do was leave, I mean Paradise Village...the funnest place on the earth!!

Sidenote: Of course they gave us our deposit back, we turned down the free tour gifts we were offered and the final football to the groin was they didn't give us enough cab fare to get back to our hotel, so we had to pay out of pocket for it....