The Setting: The basement of a house. Two people (BN and JP) are sitting down there, waiting to be taken to a dinner that is owed to them. One of the people who owes the dinner (PK) walks in.
BN: About firkin' time Phil. I'm starving.
JP: I could eat glass at this point you crotch.
PK: Funny thing guys. We're not taking you to dinner.
BN: What in the butt are you talking about?
PK: Well, Matt and I talked it over and we don't have much money.
JP: Isn't that your Hummer blocking traffic out there?
PK (looking annoyed): Yeah...whatever. We just don't have the money.
BN: It's like 20 bucks dude. Just don't go to Hollywood Blvd this weekend and you're fine.
PK (looking confused): Well...it's not going to happen. Sorry.
JP passes out from hunger
PK (looks at JP): So...you guys eaten yet?
BN: No douche. We were waiting for you to take us out. I hate you more than poison.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
My old friend...
...is back, spouting off on a subject where he couldn't be more wrong. He could try, but he would not be successful. I speak of, of course, Mr. Ken Rosenthal writer at The Sporting News and the senior baseball writer at FOXSports.com. Mr. Rosenthal, who has a vote for the baseball Hall of Fame, has written another article about how he won't vote for Mark McGwire. What follows is the spirited e-mail exchange I had with him today. Though I still think he is so wrong, he should be wearing a tin-foil hat, I didn't convince him. Perhaps I'll convince the next writer who doesn't believe McGwire should be in the Hall. I've attached a link to Ken's article. You'll probably want to read that first if the rest is to make any sense to you...
Ken's Article
Brent First E-Mail
Date:Tue, 28 Nov 2006 05:29:38 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
Come on man. Your reasoning on the McGwire HOF vote is so horrible, it would be laughable...if you weren't serious...which you are. You've been spouting off on the same crap since early 2005.
Your big new moral standard is US law? You won't vote for McGwire because he broke US law? Is that right? Has anyone in the HOF ever gotten a speeding ticket? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is also breaking US law. Why don't you get up on your high horse for that one? Millions of people die in car crashes caused by speeding. That could be your chance to make a moral stand. You could also look into parking tickets, since the new HOF criteria includes US law. Good times.
You've decided not to vote people in on the first ballot because they played in the Steroid Era, which I think is mildly retarded, but let's say that's a valid argument. Then why would you vote for Maddux, Glavine, Gwynn and Ripken? Why not stick to your guns? Why would you say you're not going to vote for Steroid Era players and then do a one-eighty and vote for Steroid Era players?
Why don't you just come out with an article that says you don't like McGwire, you don't think he should be in the HOF, you're disappointed he didn't talk to Congress and your reasons for not voting for him are completely personal? At least you wouldn't be lying, like you're currently doing in these articles. I would disagree, but at least we would get the charade over of McGwire having a fair shot at the HOF; it's a personal vote that has nothing to do with the numbers.
Brent Nelson
Ken First E-Mail
From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 11:29:51 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent A. Nelson
You know what I love about bloggers? You guys - and yes, I'm generalizing - can't just disagree with an opinion, you've got to call people names, tell 'em they're liars, etc.
I happen to respect your opinion and everyone else's on the subject; it's a very difficult issue. In fact, some of the holes you point out in my argument are perfectly valid points. But I would suggest that there are holes in virtually every opinion on this topic.
By the way, I would hardly equate steroid use with speeding.
Thanks,
Ken
Brent Second E-Mail
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 08:39:26 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
Ken -
And that's just my point. You take a side of an argument (breaking US law) and then straddle the fence when another US law is broken. I was just using your argument to make a point. I guess I didn't realize that you were only talking about US laws that help prove your point, and were disregarding US laws that don't help with your "argument".
And I love that you try to disrespect me as a "blogger", when that's how I argue with my friends; it has nothing to do with you. We call eachother names when we don't agree; that's just part of my culture. Sticks and stones, I guess. Apparently words hurt. My bad.
I do agree that there are holes in every argument. However, I will continue to point out holes in every writer's McGwire arguments due to one key fact that no one seems to be addressing: It wasn't against the rules to use steroids!! That's where every argument should end.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I wish I could change your mind on the whole McGwire issue, because as a HOF voter, your opinion matters more than mine.
Brent Nelson
Ken Second E-Mail
From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 12:52:38 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson
Last point - possession of anabolic steroids is a felony. Speeding is not.
There is a significant difference between those two laws.
Take care,
Ken
Brent Third E-Mail
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:01:47 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
Ken -
I know that, and you know that, but you did not make that point in your article. But again, I think you're just playing semantics; it wouldn't matter if they were both felonies, you don't like McGwire and you won't vote for him. That's fine, but don't hide behind US law.
Now...let me throw a hypothetical at you. This argument will throw the whole legal/illegal argument out the window (this applies more towards Sammy Sosa, but, in theory, could apply to McGwrie). What would you say if McGwire went into Mexico once a week to shoot up with steroids? They are legal there and can be bought at pharmacies (same in the Dominican Republic). So, it's no longer a felony. He is doing something that is perfectly legal where he is at. Since we don't know for sure if McGwire even used illegal steroids, we also don't know if he went into Mexico to make the use legal. This line of thinking threatens your whole "felony" issue. So...assuming McGwire did that, would you now vote for him?
Brent
Ken Third E-Mail
From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 13:40:04 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson
No, I would not.
Brent Fourth E-Mail
Date:Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:48:52 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
So, then, essentially your argument is: I don't think his numbers are good enough to be Hall-worthy. Which is fine (I couldn't disagree more), but why won't you put that in your articles, instead of all this mumbo-jumbo, illegal, straw-man, speak-out-against-steroids stuff? Why can't you just say the real reason? Is it because, in reality, his numbers are more than good enough, but you've backed yourself into a corner and don't want to admit you're wrong?
Ken Fourth E-Mail
From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 19:26:56 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson
You're wearing me out. Let's just say you're smarter than I am and call it a day. I mean, that's what this is about, right?
Take care,
Ken
Brent Fifth E-Mail
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 16:47:29 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
Ken -
Pretty funny. Talk about bloggers needing to call names. Hi there kettle...you're black. I guess you can't take a difference of opinion either. I'm just firmly in Mark McGwire's camp, and believe in innocence until proven guilty. You don't. It's okay. No one said anyone was smarter than anyone else. Don't take yourself so seriously.
Brent
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall, I think I stated my cases pretty well and Ken did a poor job defending his position. When you really look at it, there are only three reasons you could really not vote for McGwire
1) You just don't like him (fine, but the Hall should not be a popularity contest)
2) You don't like steroids (fine, but there is no proof he ever used them, so he's guilty until proven innocnet...very American)
3) You don't think his stats warrant it (fine, but this is just a reach. 583 career homers, rookie homerun record, brought people back to baseball, 3 World Series teams...the numbers don't lie)
I look forward to the next writer I can chat with about this subject. I hope to be able to break out my Stampy Theorem again, if someone makes the wrong argument. Good times...
Ken's Article
Brent First E-Mail
Date:Tue, 28 Nov 2006 05:29:38 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
Come on man. Your reasoning on the McGwire HOF vote is so horrible, it would be laughable...if you weren't serious...which you are. You've been spouting off on the same crap since early 2005.
Your big new moral standard is US law? You won't vote for McGwire because he broke US law? Is that right? Has anyone in the HOF ever gotten a speeding ticket? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is also breaking US law. Why don't you get up on your high horse for that one? Millions of people die in car crashes caused by speeding. That could be your chance to make a moral stand. You could also look into parking tickets, since the new HOF criteria includes US law. Good times.
You've decided not to vote people in on the first ballot because they played in the Steroid Era, which I think is mildly retarded, but let's say that's a valid argument. Then why would you vote for Maddux, Glavine, Gwynn and Ripken? Why not stick to your guns? Why would you say you're not going to vote for Steroid Era players and then do a one-eighty and vote for Steroid Era players?
Why don't you just come out with an article that says you don't like McGwire, you don't think he should be in the HOF, you're disappointed he didn't talk to Congress and your reasons for not voting for him are completely personal? At least you wouldn't be lying, like you're currently doing in these articles. I would disagree, but at least we would get the charade over of McGwire having a fair shot at the HOF; it's a personal vote that has nothing to do with the numbers.
Brent Nelson
Ken First E-Mail
From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 11:29:51 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent A. Nelson
You know what I love about bloggers? You guys - and yes, I'm generalizing - can't just disagree with an opinion, you've got to call people names, tell 'em they're liars, etc.
I happen to respect your opinion and everyone else's on the subject; it's a very difficult issue. In fact, some of the holes you point out in my argument are perfectly valid points. But I would suggest that there are holes in virtually every opinion on this topic.
By the way, I would hardly equate steroid use with speeding.
Thanks,
Ken
Brent Second E-Mail
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 08:39:26 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
Ken -
And that's just my point. You take a side of an argument (breaking US law) and then straddle the fence when another US law is broken. I was just using your argument to make a point. I guess I didn't realize that you were only talking about US laws that help prove your point, and were disregarding US laws that don't help with your "argument".
And I love that you try to disrespect me as a "blogger", when that's how I argue with my friends; it has nothing to do with you. We call eachother names when we don't agree; that's just part of my culture. Sticks and stones, I guess. Apparently words hurt. My bad.
I do agree that there are holes in every argument. However, I will continue to point out holes in every writer's McGwire arguments due to one key fact that no one seems to be addressing: It wasn't against the rules to use steroids!! That's where every argument should end.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I wish I could change your mind on the whole McGwire issue, because as a HOF voter, your opinion matters more than mine.
Brent Nelson
Ken Second E-Mail
From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 12:52:38 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson
Last point - possession of anabolic steroids is a felony. Speeding is not.
There is a significant difference between those two laws.
Take care,
Ken
Brent Third E-Mail
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:01:47 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
Ken -
I know that, and you know that, but you did not make that point in your article. But again, I think you're just playing semantics; it wouldn't matter if they were both felonies, you don't like McGwire and you won't vote for him. That's fine, but don't hide behind US law.
Now...let me throw a hypothetical at you. This argument will throw the whole legal/illegal argument out the window (this applies more towards Sammy Sosa, but, in theory, could apply to McGwrie). What would you say if McGwire went into Mexico once a week to shoot up with steroids? They are legal there and can be bought at pharmacies (same in the Dominican Republic). So, it's no longer a felony. He is doing something that is perfectly legal where he is at. Since we don't know for sure if McGwire even used illegal steroids, we also don't know if he went into Mexico to make the use legal. This line of thinking threatens your whole "felony" issue. So...assuming McGwire did that, would you now vote for him?
Brent
Ken Third E-Mail
From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 13:40:04 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson
No, I would not.
Brent Fourth E-Mail
Date:Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:48:52 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
So, then, essentially your argument is: I don't think his numbers are good enough to be Hall-worthy. Which is fine (I couldn't disagree more), but why won't you put that in your articles, instead of all this mumbo-jumbo, illegal, straw-man, speak-out-against-steroids stuff? Why can't you just say the real reason? Is it because, in reality, his numbers are more than good enough, but you've backed yourself into a corner and don't want to admit you're wrong?
Ken Fourth E-Mail
From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 19:26:56 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson
You're wearing me out. Let's just say you're smarter than I am and call it a day. I mean, that's what this is about, right?
Take care,
Ken
Brent Fifth E-Mail
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 16:47:29 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal
Ken -
Pretty funny. Talk about bloggers needing to call names. Hi there kettle...you're black. I guess you can't take a difference of opinion either. I'm just firmly in Mark McGwire's camp, and believe in innocence until proven guilty. You don't. It's okay. No one said anyone was smarter than anyone else. Don't take yourself so seriously.
Brent
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall, I think I stated my cases pretty well and Ken did a poor job defending his position. When you really look at it, there are only three reasons you could really not vote for McGwire
1) You just don't like him (fine, but the Hall should not be a popularity contest)
2) You don't like steroids (fine, but there is no proof he ever used them, so he's guilty until proven innocnet...very American)
3) You don't think his stats warrant it (fine, but this is just a reach. 583 career homers, rookie homerun record, brought people back to baseball, 3 World Series teams...the numbers don't lie)
I look forward to the next writer I can chat with about this subject. I hope to be able to break out my Stampy Theorem again, if someone makes the wrong argument. Good times...
Monday, November 20, 2006
Fixing Svengali...
Definitions:
Fixing: to put in order or in good condition.
Svengali: a person who completely dominates
Now, as you can tell by the title, I have transformed myself into a virtual Fixing Svengali since the puchase of our house. Oh sure, I could go on and on about all the upgrades and mechanical fixes I've made around the house. I could bore you with the details of my latest household triumph. But, since I don't like to talk about myself, I'll keep this to one thing that will impress and amaze you all more than a ship in a bottle:
Not once, but twice, I have successfully changed the brake light bulb in others cars.
You may now stand back in awe and start the near silent golf clap and allow it to climax into an all-out hoopla. In addition, you may send me oodles of rubies in appreciation of my masterful technical skill.
Fixing: to put in order or in good condition.
Svengali: a person who completely dominates
Now, as you can tell by the title, I have transformed myself into a virtual Fixing Svengali since the puchase of our house. Oh sure, I could go on and on about all the upgrades and mechanical fixes I've made around the house. I could bore you with the details of my latest household triumph. But, since I don't like to talk about myself, I'll keep this to one thing that will impress and amaze you all more than a ship in a bottle:
Not once, but twice, I have successfully changed the brake light bulb in others cars.
You may now stand back in awe and start the near silent golf clap and allow it to climax into an all-out hoopla. In addition, you may send me oodles of rubies in appreciation of my masterful technical skill.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Vince Young Dumb...
I admit it. I'm pretty dumb. Oh sure, I memorize tons of facts to mesmerize people (such as the original T.G.I.F. line-up) but when it comes right down to it, I feel like I would get less than Vince Young did on the Wonderlic. Ugh.
So, a few months ago, we bought a new litter box for our cats that has a sifter...to make cleaning it easier. So, I set it up and it always seemed to take a long time. Well...a couple of days ago, I figured out that I had it set up wrong. Now, that it's set up correctly, it takes about a minute to clean the box. Plus...I get to feel like a moron everytime I look at it. Which is nice...
So, a few months ago, we bought a new litter box for our cats that has a sifter...to make cleaning it easier. So, I set it up and it always seemed to take a long time. Well...a couple of days ago, I figured out that I had it set up wrong. Now, that it's set up correctly, it takes about a minute to clean the box. Plus...I get to feel like a moron everytime I look at it. Which is nice...
Friday, November 03, 2006
Crotch...
So, I'm driving home from work, zip-zappin' along, minding my own business. Then, out of nowhere, this chick mergers in front of me in her craptastic Jetta. While on her cell phone. And doesn't give an apologetic wave. Nothing. Acts like the whole world is made of delicious gravy. Well, I had news for her; the world is not, and will not be until we develop robots sophisticated enough, made of gravy. So, I decided to show her what's what.
So, I merge to the left and zip up right next to her. You know, to give her a pained expression, conveying to her that she's driving like a crotch. When I get up there, I look over at her her, my crotch face expression all ready, and was astonished to see that it was a dude! Well, as much as a dude as you can be when
So, I merge to the left and zip up right next to her. You know, to give her a pained expression, conveying to her that she's driving like a crotch. When I get up there, I look over at her her, my crotch face expression all ready, and was astonished to see that it was a dude! Well, as much as a dude as you can be when
- You have flowing blonde hair that would make Rapunzel jealous and
- You're driving a Jetta
I decided not to give this douche the crotch face, since I assume he gets ripped on all the time by his co-workers at McDonald's...for his flowing blonde hair and his Jetta. See...even 14 year olds can tell he's a tool...
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Mr. Wizard...
Two days ago, Alison and I went to the Melting Pot in Minneapolis to celebrate our anniversary. We were looking forward to some good food and a fun time. Little did we know we'd be privy to some riveting insight from the table next to us. Here is roughly how their conversation went (though there were various loud swear words thrown in throughout their other conversations, they kept this portion relatively clean)
Moron #1: Man, he wasn't near as good as us.
Moron #2: We were the top sales people. I don't know how he's in charge of that company now.
Mr . Wizard: Well, I know of a little secret to catch him and put us on top again.
Moron #1: Really? What?
Mr. Wizard: Well, I don't know if you've heard about this new thing. It's called the "internet". And, you can "advertise" on this "internet" on things called "search engines". Then, you can pay a company to have your information come up when someone "searches" for certain words on this "search engine". And get this. The beauty is, you only pay if someone "clicks" on your "site". How about that? It's true! I got it all in a book. I can show it to you if you like. I have an interview with the board of directors at Argeson tomorrow. I think I might reveal a bit of what I told you tonight, so they know I'm serious about the job.
Brent: I hear they're putting the internet on computers now.
Mr. Wizard: (looks to his moronic friends and covers his mouth with his forefinger in the "shhh" motion)
Waitress: Will that be it for you folks tonight?
Mr. Wizard: How about you split the bill three ways, then we can put it on three cards and we all had a business meeting tonight! (looks towards his friends and laughs heartily)
Moron #1 and Moron #2: (join in on the uproarious laughter)
I really don't have any words to explain just how brilliant this man was.
He can't compete with me physically, and I'm no match for his brains. Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.
Moron #1: Man, he wasn't near as good as us.
Moron #2: We were the top sales people. I don't know how he's in charge of that company now.
Mr . Wizard: Well, I know of a little secret to catch him and put us on top again.
Moron #1: Really? What?
Mr. Wizard: Well, I don't know if you've heard about this new thing. It's called the "internet". And, you can "advertise" on this "internet" on things called "search engines". Then, you can pay a company to have your information come up when someone "searches" for certain words on this "search engine". And get this. The beauty is, you only pay if someone "clicks" on your "site". How about that? It's true! I got it all in a book. I can show it to you if you like. I have an interview with the board of directors at Argeson tomorrow. I think I might reveal a bit of what I told you tonight, so they know I'm serious about the job.
Brent: I hear they're putting the internet on computers now.
Mr. Wizard: (looks to his moronic friends and covers his mouth with his forefinger in the "shhh" motion)
Waitress: Will that be it for you folks tonight?
Mr. Wizard: How about you split the bill three ways, then we can put it on three cards and we all had a business meeting tonight! (looks towards his friends and laughs heartily)
Moron #1 and Moron #2: (join in on the uproarious laughter)
I really don't have any words to explain just how brilliant this man was.
He can't compete with me physically, and I'm no match for his brains. Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Remember the Program Blues aka Friday Night Lights
Have you watched Friday Night Lights yet? Seriously, they take every football movie and roll it into this TV show. So far, they've done the following:
- The QB got hurt and the back up had to come in (Varsity Blues)
- The back-up QB led them to an improbable win (Varsity Blues)
- The key player is paralyzed (Remember the Titans)
- The coach makes them run in the rain in the middle of the night to bond them (Remember the Titans)
- The full back and half back don't get along, so the full back doesn't block for him. (The Program)
- Creepy older player who lives in the past and talks about past championships (Varsity Blues)
- A key player has a drinking problem (The Program)
- A starting QB who has a horse face and no acting talent (Varsity Blues...yeah, I'm talking about you on this one Dawson)
- Signs for the player that lives in the house in the front yard (Varsity Blues...though I think that may actually happen in Texas)
- There is a black, workhorse style running back (Varsity Blues)
- Someone feels that they should have blocked better when the QB got hurt (Varsity Blues)
- A new QB shows up in town when the starter has issues (Remember the Titans)
- Overbearing town folks who know a little too much about the team (Every high school football movie ever)
- The back-up QB has a crush/dating the "girl next door" type (Varsity Blues...a bit of a stretch, but it will morph into that)
And that's in 3 episodes so far. And I'm sure they're stealing from other football movies, but that's about all I've seen. It's ridiculous...but a good show, because those are all good movies...
But what are they going to come up with next? I mean, are they going to have a Latimer induced steroid issue? Is there going to be a fat white kid that bonds the team? Will Matt take them all to a strip club? The possibilities are endless (and by endless, I mean there is an end, when the writers decide to stop stealing from other football movies, but until then, there is no end) I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens, assuming NBC doesn't cancel the show...
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Balloons don't sell houses...
Alison and I closed on our house in June. Since then, Dean Johnson has sold exactly zero other units, leaving the community with 8 open houses. So, obviously, the houses are the exact opposite of hot cakes.
So, what does Dean Johnson Homes do to remedy this situation? Well, last weekened, they strung a rather large balloon to the deck of the model home, in hopes that that would draw people in. Of course, that didn't work, because very few people buy houses due to the balloon content.
Undeterred, this weekend, Dean Johnson outdid themselves. Since the large red balloon popped (I'd like to think someone shot it with a BB-gun), the decided to add 5 groups of smaller balloons at the entrance. Apparently, their crack marketing staff believes that balloons are the only way to advertise. And, let's face it, balloons are the international sign for "Party over heeeere"
Well played Dean Johnson, well played.
So, what does Dean Johnson Homes do to remedy this situation? Well, last weekened, they strung a rather large balloon to the deck of the model home, in hopes that that would draw people in. Of course, that didn't work, because very few people buy houses due to the balloon content.
Undeterred, this weekend, Dean Johnson outdid themselves. Since the large red balloon popped (I'd like to think someone shot it with a BB-gun), the decided to add 5 groups of smaller balloons at the entrance. Apparently, their crack marketing staff believes that balloons are the only way to advertise. And, let's face it, balloons are the international sign for "Party over heeeere"
Well played Dean Johnson, well played.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
It's a beautiful day in the KA house...
Andy is sweeping up the kitchen after dinner, singing merrily.
Andy: It's a beautiful day in the KA House,
A beautiful day for the KA House,
Would you please join?
Could you please join?
I have always wanted to have a brother just like you,
I've always wanted to live in KA House with you.
Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my brother?
Tim, a current member of KA, is sitting in his room. Andy glides from the kitchen into the room, continuing to sweep.
Andy: Hi KA brother, I'm glad we're together again....
Tim: Hey, douche. Aren't you like 29?
Andy: No, I'm only 28, but I looooove KA.
Tim: Hey, douche. Get the hell out of my room.
Andy: Actually, this used to be my room. Remind me to tell you all the wild times that Dave White, Mike Seminari and I had. One time, we actually (Andy starts laughing at the memory) we...actually got a keg for the house, but instead of having beer in it...we had ROOT beer!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, did we pull one over on our brothers! High five!
Tim: I hate you so much.
Andy: Then I challenged Brad Snyder to a naked breezeway! And I won!
Brad Snyder walks through the door.
Snyder: Hey, I contested that win! We need to have a rematch!
Snyder and Andy start ripping off their clothes as all the current members begin to pull out knifes, guns, and brass knuckles...
Tim: Get the hell out of our house!
Andy: It's a beautiful day in the KA House,
A beautiful day for the KA House,
Would you please join?
Could you please join?
I have always wanted to have a brother just like you,
I've always wanted to live in KA House with you.
Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my brother?
Tim, a current member of KA, is sitting in his room. Andy glides from the kitchen into the room, continuing to sweep.
Andy: Hi KA brother, I'm glad we're together again....
Tim: Hey, douche. Aren't you like 29?
Andy: No, I'm only 28, but I looooove KA.
Tim: Hey, douche. Get the hell out of my room.
Andy: Actually, this used to be my room. Remind me to tell you all the wild times that Dave White, Mike Seminari and I had. One time, we actually (Andy starts laughing at the memory) we...actually got a keg for the house, but instead of having beer in it...we had ROOT beer!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, did we pull one over on our brothers! High five!
Tim: I hate you so much.
Andy: Then I challenged Brad Snyder to a naked breezeway! And I won!
Brad Snyder walks through the door.
Snyder: Hey, I contested that win! We need to have a rematch!
Snyder and Andy start ripping off their clothes as all the current members begin to pull out knifes, guns, and brass knuckles...
Tim: Get the hell out of our house!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
The Umpire...
After much delay, I will regale you with tales about the Umpire from our softball game on Tuesday night. Without further ado...
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Traditional meeting before the game with the Umpire and team managers.
Ump : Okay fellas. Now, as you all know, there is no swearing in this league.
Brent : Are you fu...I mean kidding?
Ump (while glancing sideways at Brent) : No. Any swearing will be an out. If I hear a GD or an MF, it's an out. No exceptions. And also, no beer. If I see any beer, that player will be ejected.
Brent : Um...we're still playing softball, right?
Ump : Yep, but it says so in the rules. No beer!
Brent (walking towards his team) : Guys, Ump says no beer. Put them away for the game.
Team (in unison) : WHAT??
Ump (running over, while pointing at his "upside down "rule sheet) : This is not a beer league. It says so right here!
Brent (pauses a beat) : Um...your sheet is upside down.
Ump (looks at the sheet, pauses, flips it right side up, and points to it again while giving Brent the stink eye)
Brent (laughs with the rest of his team)
----------------------------------------------------
Skinny Weird Dude (aka SWD) on other them "slides" (aka stumbles and faceplants) into third and is tagged out. Gets up and pushes our third baseman in the back...
SWD : You gotta get out the baseline!
Brent : You gotta learn how to slide without tripping.
SWD (walks towards Brent with his arms out) : Wanna say that again?
Brent (slowly) : You...gotta...learn...how...to...slide...with...out...tripping.
SWD (still walking towards Brent with his arms out) : What'd you say?
Brent : Apparently you can't slide...or hear. Wow. That's impressive. Can you do anything?
Ump (comes "sprinting" out to the mound to "break it up" and looks at Brent) : One more word out of you Mr. Mouth and I'll eject you!
Brent (sarcastically) : Yes sir!!
----------------------------------------------------
Dan hits the ball over the left centerfielders head. As he's circling the bases and heading towards third, the ball goes near the bleachers (there is no fence on the field)
Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan (stopping at third) : What?
Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan : Why would you say that?
Ump : Because the ball didn't go out of play.
Brent (from the dugout) : Do you yell that the ball is fair everytime it's fair? Do you yell it's a grounder if it's on the ground? No! You keep your trap shut. Like you should do there!
Ump : Hey. I've been umpiring 13 years. I don't think I need to be told how to ump.
Brent : Yeah, so is getting a registration as an umpire like getting ordained as a minister on the internet? No matter how much child porn you have, they just want the $50 and you're good to go? Right? Is that correct?
Ump (turns and walks away)
----------------------------------------------------
The other teams left fielder runs out of play and catches the ball, which means it should just be a foul ball.
Ump : Out!
Brent : Are you firkin' kidding me? There's no way he wasn't out of play.
Ump : He caught the ball in play. I lined myself up and saw it.
Brent : Lined yourself up? With what? Brazil? That's a terrible call.
Ump : Well, that's how I saw it.
Brent : Doesn't mean it wasn't terrible...
----------------------------------------------------
Traditional meeting before the game with the Umpire and team managers.
Ump : Okay fellas. Now, as you all know, there is no swearing in this league.
Brent : Are you fu...I mean kidding?
Ump (while glancing sideways at Brent) : No. Any swearing will be an out. If I hear a GD or an MF, it's an out. No exceptions. And also, no beer. If I see any beer, that player will be ejected.
Brent : Um...we're still playing softball, right?
Ump : Yep, but it says so in the rules. No beer!
Brent (walking towards his team) : Guys, Ump says no beer. Put them away for the game.
Team (in unison) : WHAT??
Ump (running over, while pointing at his "upside down "rule sheet) : This is not a beer league. It says so right here!
Brent (pauses a beat) : Um...your sheet is upside down.
Ump (looks at the sheet, pauses, flips it right side up, and points to it again while giving Brent the stink eye)
Brent (laughs with the rest of his team)
----------------------------------------------------
Skinny Weird Dude (aka SWD) on other them "slides" (aka stumbles and faceplants) into third and is tagged out. Gets up and pushes our third baseman in the back...
SWD : You gotta get out the baseline!
Brent : You gotta learn how to slide without tripping.
SWD (walks towards Brent with his arms out) : Wanna say that again?
Brent (slowly) : You...gotta...learn...how...to...slide...with...out...tripping.
SWD (still walking towards Brent with his arms out) : What'd you say?
Brent : Apparently you can't slide...or hear. Wow. That's impressive. Can you do anything?
Ump (comes "sprinting" out to the mound to "break it up" and looks at Brent) : One more word out of you Mr. Mouth and I'll eject you!
Brent (sarcastically) : Yes sir!!
----------------------------------------------------
Dan hits the ball over the left centerfielders head. As he's circling the bases and heading towards third, the ball goes near the bleachers (there is no fence on the field)
Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan (stopping at third) : What?
Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan : Why would you say that?
Ump : Because the ball didn't go out of play.
Brent (from the dugout) : Do you yell that the ball is fair everytime it's fair? Do you yell it's a grounder if it's on the ground? No! You keep your trap shut. Like you should do there!
Ump : Hey. I've been umpiring 13 years. I don't think I need to be told how to ump.
Brent : Yeah, so is getting a registration as an umpire like getting ordained as a minister on the internet? No matter how much child porn you have, they just want the $50 and you're good to go? Right? Is that correct?
Ump (turns and walks away)
----------------------------------------------------
The other teams left fielder runs out of play and catches the ball, which means it should just be a foul ball.
Ump : Out!
Brent : Are you firkin' kidding me? There's no way he wasn't out of play.
Ump : He caught the ball in play. I lined myself up and saw it.
Brent : Lined yourself up? With what? Brazil? That's a terrible call.
Ump : Well, that's how I saw it.
Brent : Doesn't mean it wasn't terrible...
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