Sports Guy and the Waterboy Theory...

Now, as my loyal readers know, my pride and joy is The Waterboy Theory. I have cultivated it from a little sapling (as opposed to a giant sapling), lived with it through all the awkward teen years and have watched it grow into a collassal waste of time...errr theory that only my friends and family use. However, I hope that is all about to change:

In his current re-review of Rocky Balboa, the Sports Guy aka Bill Simmons, explained why people thought the movie was good (everything in bold and italics is taken from ESPN.com)

1. Most people were expecting an epic train wreck and ended up being pleasantly surprised (and relieved) that it wasn't an epic train wreck. That's going to artificially skew any opinion, right? I just can't shake the feeling that everyone who liked the movie was inadvertently grading it on a pronounced curve.
For instance, let's say you have an uncle who became involved with a former stripper who cheated on him, became addicted to crystal meth, kept stealing from him and eventually bankrupted him before she was arrested for trying to run him over with a car. It was such a bad experience that he didn't date anyone else for five years and he's been in therapy the entire time. Then he announces to the family that he's showing up for Christmas with his new girlfriend ... and everyone in the family is completely terrified because he's had such horrible taste with women. What happens? He shows up with a nice enough girl who's friendly and really seems to like him. Maybe she's a C-plus under normal circumstances, but given your uncle's history, she feels like an A-minus and nobody can stop talking about how nice she is. And that's what happened with this last Rocky movie. If "Rocky V" was the crystal meth stripper, then "Rocky Balboa" was the C-plus girlfriend who felt like an A-minus.

Almost two years ago, I blogged about this very phenomenon: The Waterboy Theory. Click on the link to view the Theory if you haven't seen it before.

The general premise is very similar, albeit Simmons swayed from the actual movie and used an analogy. However, I still believe the Sports Guy described, to a T, The Waterboy Theory. I have sent the Sports Guy an e-mail and I hope Mr. Simmons will give credit where credit is due, and relate my theory, and homeless Sports Guy-id-ness, to his readers...

Peter King fantasy advice??

OK, I enjoy Peter King. I like MMQB. Here's what I don't like; his fantasy picks. How many times this year has he recommeded Roscoe Parish? I mean...ROSCOE PARRISH!!!! I really need to go back and count.

And then he'll go recommend Peyton Manning. Really...should I start Peyton this week? Good call. So...why does he have a fantasy column? Shouldn't he just stick to the games or am I crazy? Here's some of his "tips" for this week...with my comments following (in red and italics)

4. Steve McNair has thrown two interceptions in the seven weeks Brian Billick has been calling offensive plays for Baltimore. In other words, with Cleveland coming to town, play McNair -- unless you've got Peyton Manning or Drew Brees on your roster. Steve McNair as the number three QB? Really? I mean, Cleveland is bad...but come on. Ever hear of Brady, Palmer or Romo?

5. If you scout the Buffalo Bills, you know the ball's going deep to Lee Evans once or twice every Sunday, minimum. Yet J.P. Losman's still able to get it to him. Moral of the story: Don't be scared off by defensive player of the year Jason Taylor chasing down Losman on Sunday in Orchard Park, play Evans at any cost this week. And if you can slip in Roscoe Parrish, you know how much I like him. Ugh! Again? Roscoe Parish? I mean...he did okay in week 3, but the cat has 17 receptions and 2 TD's for the year. I think I can find a few better people to start than him...

6. Antsy about playing Ben Roethlisberger because of all the receiver problems with the Steelers? Don't be. Not this week, anyway. The Panthers host Ben, and Hines Ward is likely to return after two weeks rehabbing a 'scoped knee. Play Ben, and play Santonio Holmes. I'm not sold on Holmes, but he gets the start against some lousy cornerbacks this week. This isn't that bad, but would you really recommend Santonio Holmes in the week Hines Ward returns from injury? Wouldn't you say Ronald Curry? I mean, he just got elevated to the number 1 receiver.

7. I'll tell who's slumping. David Carr. One TD pass in his last seven games. If you play him, Bruce Gradkowski must be your other quarterback. And what are you doing in the playoffs with David Carr as your guy? The only Texan worth a look this week, with the battered Pats' defense, is battering ram Ron Dayne. Wait...so don't play David Carr!!! Thanks coach. What about Mike Bell?

8. Hmmm. Cincinnati-Indy. Don't be so sure Rudi Johnson will rush for 240. Tony Dungy and defensive coordinator Ron Meeks will put an eighth body down in the box often Monday night -- even if it's softer sub safety Matt Giordano -- to make sure the Bengals running game doesn't gash the Colts like Jacksonville did last week. Is he saying to not start Rudi? Should we also not start Roy Williams because the Packers defense will try to avoid getting shown up by the Detroit offense?

I love Peter King. I really do. But please...do not do a fantasy column next year!!!!

Memo...

Note to the lady who is at Lifetime and tells people about laser surgery; just because you have a lab coat on, you are not a doctor. Also...your shirt makes you look like a who-er. FYI. Might want to stick those little nuggets in your backpocket.

My Daddy Usher...

Begin Scene:

The kitchen of one of Miss Johnson's students. The student, Billy, and his mom, Marinda, are standing around the center island, enjoying Christmas cookies and milk. They're happily putting popcorn on a string to put around their tree while listening to Frosty the Snowman on TV...

Marinda: So, Billy. What's new?
Billy: Nothing too much. When's Usher...I mean Dad, getting home?
Marinda: (looks around nervously) Ummm...so where's your postcard?
Billy: What postcard?
Marinda: The one Miss Johnson sends to all the students.
Billy: I didn't get one! She hates me!!

Billy knocks over his glass of milk and runs to his bedroom in tears, covering his eyes so no one can see him crying due to the crushing nature of realizing Miss Johnson forgot about him.

Marinda: (laughingly) Well...at least that got his mind off the (in air quotes) "Usher situation".

Studio audience laughs uproariously.

End Scene

The Ruse...

The Setting: The basement of a house. Two people (BN and JP) are sitting down there, waiting to be taken to a dinner that is owed to them. One of the people who owes the dinner (PK) walks in.

BN: About firkin' time Phil. I'm starving.
JP: I could eat glass at this point you crotch.
PK: Funny thing guys. We're not taking you to dinner.
BN: What in the butt are you talking about?
PK: Well, Matt and I talked it over and we don't have much money.
JP: Isn't that your Hummer blocking traffic out there?
PK (looking annoyed): Yeah...whatever. We just don't have the money.
BN: It's like 20 bucks dude. Just don't go to Hollywood Blvd this weekend and you're fine.
PK (looking confused): Well...it's not going to happen. Sorry.
JP passes out from hunger
PK (looks at JP): So...you guys eaten yet?
BN: No douche. We were waiting for you to take us out. I hate you more than poison.

My old friend...

...is back, spouting off on a subject where he couldn't be more wrong. He could try, but he would not be successful. I speak of, of course, Mr. Ken Rosenthal writer at The Sporting News and the senior baseball writer at FOXSports.com. Mr. Rosenthal, who has a vote for the baseball Hall of Fame, has written another article about how he won't vote for Mark McGwire. What follows is the spirited e-mail exchange I had with him today. Though I still think he is so wrong, he should be wearing a tin-foil hat, I didn't convince him. Perhaps I'll convince the next writer who doesn't believe McGwire should be in the Hall. I've attached a link to Ken's article. You'll probably want to read that first if the rest is to make any sense to you...

Ken's Article

Brent First E-Mail

Date:Tue, 28 Nov 2006 05:29:38 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

Come on man. Your reasoning on the McGwire HOF vote is so horrible, it would be laughable...if you weren't serious...which you are. You've been spouting off on the same crap since early 2005.

Your big new moral standard is US law? You won't vote for McGwire because he broke US law? Is that right? Has anyone in the HOF ever gotten a speeding ticket? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is also breaking US law. Why don't you get up on your high horse for that one? Millions of people die in car crashes caused by speeding. That could be your chance to make a moral stand. You could also look into parking tickets, since the new HOF criteria includes US law. Good times.

You've decided not to vote people in on the first ballot because they played in the Steroid Era, which I think is mildly retarded, but let's say that's a valid argument. Then why would you vote for Maddux, Glavine, Gwynn and Ripken? Why not stick to your guns? Why would you say you're not going to vote for Steroid Era players and then do a one-eighty and vote for Steroid Era players?

Why don't you just come out with an article that says you don't like McGwire, you don't think he should be in the HOF, you're disappointed he didn't talk to Congress and your reasons for not voting for him are completely personal? At least you wouldn't be lying, like you're currently doing in these articles. I would disagree, but at least we would get the charade over of McGwire having a fair shot at the HOF; it's a personal vote that has nothing to do with the numbers.

Brent Nelson

Ken First E-Mail

From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 11:29:51 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent A. Nelson

You know what I love about bloggers? You guys - and yes, I'm generalizing - can't just disagree with an opinion, you've got to call people names, tell 'em they're liars, etc.

I happen to respect your opinion and everyone else's on the subject; it's a very difficult issue. In fact, some of the holes you point out in my argument are perfectly valid points. But I would suggest that there are holes in virtually every opinion on this topic.

By the way, I would hardly equate steroid use with speeding.

Thanks,
Ken

Brent Second E-Mail

Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 08:39:26 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

Ken -

And that's just my point. You take a side of an argument (breaking US law) and then straddle the fence when another US law is broken. I was just using your argument to make a point. I guess I didn't realize that you were only talking about US laws that help prove your point, and were disregarding US laws that don't help with your "argument".

And I love that you try to disrespect me as a "blogger", when that's how I argue with my friends; it has nothing to do with you. We call eachother names when we don't agree; that's just part of my culture. Sticks and stones, I guess. Apparently words hurt. My bad.

I do agree that there are holes in every argument. However, I will continue to point out holes in every writer's McGwire arguments due to one key fact that no one seems to be addressing: It wasn't against the rules to use steroids!! That's where every argument should end.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I wish I could change your mind on the whole McGwire issue, because as a HOF voter, your opinion matters more than mine.

Brent Nelson

Ken Second E-Mail

From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 12:52:38 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson

Last point - possession of anabolic steroids is a felony. Speeding is not.

There is a significant difference between those two laws.

Take care,
Ken

Brent Third E-Mail

Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:01:47 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

Ken -

I know that, and you know that, but you did not make that point in your article. But again, I think you're just playing semantics; it wouldn't matter if they were both felonies, you don't like McGwire and you won't vote for him. That's fine, but don't hide behind US law.

Now...let me throw a hypothetical at you. This argument will throw the whole legal/illegal argument out the window (this applies more towards Sammy Sosa, but, in theory, could apply to McGwrie). What would you say if McGwire went into Mexico once a week to shoot up with steroids? They are legal there and can be bought at pharmacies (same in the Dominican Republic). So, it's no longer a felony. He is doing something that is perfectly legal where he is at. Since we don't know for sure if McGwire even used illegal steroids, we also don't know if he went into Mexico to make the use legal. This line of thinking threatens your whole "felony" issue. So...assuming McGwire did that, would you now vote for him?

Brent

Ken Third E-Mail

From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 13:40:04 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson

No, I would not.

Brent Fourth E-Mail

Date:Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:48:52 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

So, then, essentially your argument is: I don't think his numbers are good enough to be Hall-worthy. Which is fine (I couldn't disagree more), but why won't you put that in your articles, instead of all this mumbo-jumbo, illegal, straw-man, speak-out-against-steroids stuff? Why can't you just say the real reason? Is it because, in reality, his numbers are more than good enough, but you've backed yourself into a corner and don't want to admit you're wrong?

Ken Fourth E-Mail

From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 19:26:56 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson

You're wearing me out. Let's just say you're smarter than I am and call it a day. I mean, that's what this is about, right?

Take care,
Ken

Brent Fifth E-Mail

Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 16:47:29 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

Ken -

Pretty funny. Talk about bloggers needing to call names. Hi there kettle...you're black. I guess you can't take a difference of opinion either. I'm just firmly in Mark McGwire's camp, and believe in innocence until proven guilty. You don't. It's okay. No one said anyone was smarter than anyone else. Don't take yourself so seriously.

Brent


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overall, I think I stated my cases pretty well and Ken did a poor job defending his position. When you really look at it, there are only three reasons you could really not vote for McGwire
1) You just don't like him (fine, but the Hall should not be a popularity contest)
2) You don't like steroids (fine, but there is no proof he ever used them, so he's guilty until proven innocnet...very American)
3) You don't think his stats warrant it (fine, but this is just a reach. 583 career homers, rookie homerun record, brought people back to baseball, 3 World Series teams...the numbers don't lie)

I look forward to the next writer I can chat with about this subject. I hope to be able to break out my Stampy Theorem again, if someone makes the wrong argument. Good times...

Fixing Svengali...

Definitions:
Fixing: to put in order or in good condition.
Svengali: a person who completely dominates

Now, as you can tell by the title, I have transformed myself into a virtual Fixing Svengali since the puchase of our house. Oh sure, I could go on and on about all the upgrades and mechanical fixes I've made around the house. I could bore you with the details of my latest household triumph. But, since I don't like to talk about myself, I'll keep this to one thing that will impress and amaze you all more than a ship in a bottle:

Not once, but twice, I have successfully changed the brake light bulb in others cars.

You may now stand back in awe and start the near silent golf clap and allow it to climax into an all-out hoopla. In addition, you may send me oodles of rubies in appreciation of my masterful technical skill.

Vince Young Dumb...

I admit it. I'm pretty dumb. Oh sure, I memorize tons of facts to mesmerize people (such as the original T.G.I.F. line-up) but when it comes right down to it, I feel like I would get less than Vince Young did on the Wonderlic. Ugh.

So, a few months ago, we bought a new litter box for our cats that has a sifter...to make cleaning it easier. So, I set it up and it always seemed to take a long time. Well...a couple of days ago, I figured out that I had it set up wrong. Now, that it's set up correctly, it takes about a minute to clean the box. Plus...I get to feel like a moron everytime I look at it. Which is nice...

Crotch...

So, I'm driving home from work, zip-zappin' along, minding my own business. Then, out of nowhere, this chick mergers in front of me in her craptastic Jetta. While on her cell phone. And doesn't give an apologetic wave. Nothing. Acts like the whole world is made of delicious gravy. Well, I had news for her; the world is not, and will not be until we develop robots sophisticated enough, made of gravy. So, I decided to show her what's what.

So, I merge to the left and zip up right next to her. You know, to give her a pained expression, conveying to her that she's driving like a crotch. When I get up there, I look over at her her, my crotch face expression all ready, and was astonished to see that it was a dude! Well, as much as a dude as you can be when

1. You have flowing blonde hair that would make Rapunzel jealous and
2. You're driving a Jetta

I decided not to give this douche the crotch face, since I assume he gets ripped on all the time by his co-workers at McDonald's...for his flowing blonde hair and his Jetta. See...even 14 year olds can tell he's a tool...

Mr. Wizard...

Two days ago, Alison and I went to the Melting Pot in Minneapolis to celebrate our anniversary. We were looking forward to some good food and a fun time. Little did we know we'd be privy to some riveting insight from the table next to us. Here is roughly how their conversation went (though there were various loud swear words thrown in throughout their other conversations, they kept this portion relatively clean)

Moron #1: Man, he wasn't near as good as us.
Moron #2: We were the top sales people. I don't know how he's in charge of that company now.
Mr . Wizard: Well, I know of a little secret to catch him and put us on top again.
Moron #1: Really? What?
Mr. Wizard: Well, I don't know if you've heard about this new thing. It's called the "internet". And, you can "advertise" on this "internet" on things called "search engines". Then, you can pay a company to have your information come up when someone "searches" for certain words on this "search engine". And get this. The beauty is, you only pay if someone "clicks" on your "site". How about that? It's true! I got it all in a book. I can show it to you if you like. I have an interview with the board of directors at Argeson tomorrow. I think I might reveal a bit of what I told you tonight, so they know I'm serious about the job.
Brent: I hear they're putting the internet on computers now.
Mr. Wizard: (looks to his moronic friends and covers his mouth with his forefinger in the "shhh" motion)
Waitress: Will that be it for you folks tonight?
Mr. Wizard: How about you split the bill three ways, then we can put it on three cards and we all had a business meeting tonight! (looks towards his friends and laughs heartily)
Moron #1 and Moron #2: (join in on the uproarious laughter)

I really don't have any words to explain just how brilliant this man was.

He can't compete with me physically, and I'm no match for his brains. Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.