Mr. Belding...

Just watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Mr. Belding was on there playing a humongous, bald molesting ex-gym teacher. Well, I guess he was "playing" the molesting ex-gym teacher part, because the rest of t is all him. Did I mention he's enormous?

LCS? More like LBS.

Did anyone else have the misfortune of watching Last Comic Standing this season? Or did everyone else give up on the show early and my rant will fall on deaf ears. I hope everyone gave up on it, because when the highlight of the show is hoping Theo Von from Real World/Road Rules Challenge says one of his patented non-sensical quotes, you know you're watching some Lame Bull $@%^.

And that's what they probably should have called the show this year, because they got the Michael Dukakis's (or Michael Dukaki) of comedy to be on the show. It was like a bad episode of Elimidate; you don't want to watch, but you want to see how it ends.

So...without further ado...

Reasons this season of LCS blew donkey and why I won't watch next season

1. Being handicapped does not make you funny - Yep...I'm talking to you Josh Blue. Just because you have a handicap, it doesn't make you funny. When every joke revolves around it, it makes it unwatchable. When your finisher involves you walking around like a spastic Cybill Shepard and reminscing about the boat, I want to slap you. There...I said it.
2. America is full of morons - Again, Josh Blue, you caused America to vote for you because they felt sory. You should have been gone weeks ago, but America likes an underdog. I think there's a chance you could be our ext president.
3. Sexual equality - Women comics are not funny. Sorry. But it's true. They can be alright, but not funny. So, what happens when 6 of your 12 people are women? Yep...half your cast blows ass. So, the producers believe in making the house equal...
4. Being old does not make you funny - Yes, I will laugh at you... the key is at. You could stand there eating Cream of Wheat and it would be just as funny as your menopause jokes.
5. They had one funny guy on the show! - It's a comic show and they had one funny guy! 1? Are you f'in with me? How did everyone else get through the screening process? Was it a pulse check and a "probe" to get on the show? Let's get some more rigorous standards here...

And this went on way too long and was way too unfunny...so I'm going to back out. End of the day...Josh Blue sucks at comedy...America voted him the winner because he's crippled...I will not watch the show again.

Why would someone have me as an usher?

I mean, seriously...you know I hate people and have a generally foul persona, not to mention I reek of onion and ham. Is this the kind of person you want seating people? Wouldn't you rather have me hidden in the bowels of the church, playing a pipe organ and training the monkeys to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" in four part harmony? I could be put to such better use...

The pen is mightier than the sword...

Apparently, the old axiom is true; the pen is mightier than the sword. And, yet again, I have taken my pen and hurt someone's feelings through my demeaning sense of humor.

For those of you who don't read me very often, I like to take small giblets of truth and low them out of proportion; kind of like the whole Paris Hilton facade. But you have to understand that very little of what I write is the truth. Sure, there is a grain of truth, but then, it's up to my imagination to create something.

The offending post has been removed, and be assured, it was my own imagination that came up with the post. The only point of fact was the person was in a hurry and knew that if they passed you, they would end up talking for a bit and the delivery would not have been timley.

Before judging, please take a look through the archives at the stories my imagination created: a tall taco peeing next to me, being stranded on a deserted island with Keanu Reeves and Emilio Estevez living in hell. See...they all start with a point of fact and are embellished by me.

So, if anyone deserves the brunt of the blame, it is my imagination. I call him Zococoa and he can be found behind the left half of my off-kilter brain. Be gentle...as he has ADD.

That's the word. So, to everyone out there, remember...the pen is mightier