Why would someone have me as an usher?

I mean, seriously...you know I hate people and have a generally foul persona, not to mention I reek of onion and ham. Is this the kind of person you want seating people? Wouldn't you rather have me hidden in the bowels of the church, playing a pipe organ and training the monkeys to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" in four part harmony? I could be put to such better use...