David Carr?

This makes no sense to me. Why in the world are the Vikings not signing David Carr?

Is Tevarious Jackson that good (no)?
Do the Vikings already have someone who can be considered a franchise QB (no)?
Is the cost for Carr that great (no)?
Are they upset with the draft picks they'd lose to get him (no)?

Then what in the world is the hold up?? This is the former #1 pick in the draft! Not that that means he has to be good, but come on...this isn't Rick Mirer here. I don't know how well Peyton Manning would have played with that offensive line in Houston, and that receiving corps.

This is a QB who completed 68% of his passes last year. This is a perfect guy for the "West Coast" offense that Childress claims to run. So, let's get Carr on board, then see if we can trade up for Calvin Johnson. If not, let's take LaRon Landry in the first, and try to grab Steve Smith in the second. Come on Vikes! I know you can get off those "Worst Offseason" lists! It's just going to take this signing and a good draft, so let's stop consulting with McHale and actually DO SOMETHING!!! NOTE: Something DOES NOT include SIGNING BOBBY WADE!!!

ESPN Fantasy All-Stars...

Today, I watched the ESPN Baseball Tonight Fantasy Baseball Special. Correction, I mean I tried to watch it. I couldn't. It was too terrible.

Now, as you all know, I will read and watch anything related to fantasy sports. I've printed out more articles from more obscure sites than I can count. I don't care. I just want some insight on fantasy baseball.

Now, back to ESPN. I wanted to watch the show because they have some people that give solid advice (TMR) and people who I enjoy reading (Cockcroft and Karabell). Unfortunately for their special, they decided to do the thing that irks me more than anything; have people who don't understand fantasy baseball host the show.

Are you going to have Spencer Pratt host Hardball? No, because he's a douche and doesn't know anything about the topics on the show. Same thing with Fantasy Baseball.

So, I thought I'd give it a chance anyway. In the first 3 minutes, Tim Kurkjian said that he'd draft Albert Pujols number 1 because "he has 100 more walks than strikeouts in his career." Ummm...that's relebant to baseball, but not to fantasy. But I can deal with it, because TMR and Karabell are there. Plus, Pujols has to be #1.

Then, they were debating the sixth pick and Karl Ravech says "Well, I debated between Jose Reyes and Robinson Cano for this pick..." and I don't know who he decided on. I had to turn the TV off. When your host is debating the 7th best second baseman versus arguably the best player in fantasy baseball, I can't take it. Damn it, you might as well draft Mariano Rivera in the first round, if that's how much you care.

Stupid ESPN. Why don't you just get Jennie Finch to be one of your fantasy baseball analysts. Oer...too late...

America's High Flying Sport??

I was driving yesterday and the person in front of me had a bumper sticker. As much as I hate bumper stickers, I have to try to read all of them on the car in front of me. I can't help it. It's a sickness. Like listening to Hillary Duff. But that's neither here nor there.

The point of all this is this; the bumper sticker in front of me had this on it:

Join America's

HIGH FLYING SPORT!

HOMING PIGEON RACING!!

Really? Homing pigeon racing? And you're going to advertise that you actually participate in this geekfest to total strangers?

I mean, in all honesty, your own family doesn't want to know about your losertacular pursuits; what makes you think that society wants to know how you waste your free time? Come on!

And what's the deal with all the exclamations? Is it really that exciting? Maybe a question mark after sport? Letting it be a question as to whether this is a sport. Now that's a bumper sticker I can really get behind...

Hair Restoration Institute

I was watching Sportscenter, so it was not TiVo'd; this means that I got roped into watching commercials. Which means I was unhappy, like George Bush when he lost the bet and was forced to jump out of Richard Simmons birthday cake (true story!).

However, I saw a commercial that made me think back to how dumb those Bowflex commercials are (you can use up to 400 pounds of resistance... or more).

So, I was watching a commercial for the Hair Restoration Institute and some chick who used to be bald was yammering on about how great the institute was and they gave her a beautiful Chia head, or something like that. I really wasn't paying attention, as I was distracted by my fist punching my mouth.

Anyhoo, what caught my attention was the following:

The Hair Restoration Institute offers so many options; from surgical to non-surgical.

Um...hello genius! Are you serious? Do you know what the definition of "so many" is? I'll tell you what it isn't...it isn't two. Can you imagine going to a restaraunt and they give you the wine list and it contains two wines?

Waiter: Which wine can I get you sire?
Customer: Jeez damn! Are you frackin' kidding me?? Two options? That's so many!! I don't know what to do. I'm in a quandary here. I've never been faced with so many options! I can either go white...or red. Butt spokes!! Give me some time. I'm going to have to weigh all these options here and see which is suitable. Crip! Give me 45 minutes or so. I'm going to get out a piece of paper and list all the reasons one of the options is good on one side, then I'll make a list of the reasons all the other options are good on the other side. Might want to grab a chair friend, 'cause it's gonna be awhile.
Waiter: Of course. I expect nothing less, what with so many options. We have beds in back if you need to take a break while noodling through the plethora of options.

Gosh, I especially hate people, but I especially hate stupid people.

Junk Yard follow-up

So, I decided it would be a good idea to follow-up with my friend, and yours, Abram. I wanted to know how he's been, what's been going on, had he sold his junkyard credit yet. You know, the ushe (short for usual). What follows is my e-mail, and his e-mail back...word for word...
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My e-mail:

From: Brent Nelson
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: abram quito

Did anyone ever buy that store credit from you or do you still have it available?

His response:

From: abram quito
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: Brent Nelson

that's 4 me 2 know and 4 u 2 wonder bud

*******i sold it brent nelson from Trent Belson, XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX*******
i made $150 cash and sold the sucka (like u) $80 in gift card
ha this craigslist posting does work

man that the most incoherant rant i here from u
if that was yo goal congrats MAN SHUT YO DICK ALREADY SLAPPED TRASH MOUTH
THINKING U IS SOMETHING LIKE A WISE MAN

anyways thanks for wondering
AND QUIT BEEN ON MY TIP DAMN!
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I honestly don't know what to say to this. Apparently, he sold it to me, and somehow discovered that my credit card number was full of x's. Maybe Abram is savvier than I gave him credit for. Maybe I'm the moron and he's so far above me, I don't understand him. That could be it. Or, and I think this is more likely, I've been conversing with someone with a pre-school education who watched too much Eddie urphy growing up.