Gas Prices

*The events described here are based on historical facts…except the ones that aren’t*

I was sitting at Costco the other day, pumping some 87 grade octane into my Grand Prix, when I stepped back and took a look at the price. $2.69 a gallon! I couldn’t believe it. Then, I looked towards the sky and had an epiphany. All of this could have easily been avoided if it weren’t for those two dreaded words; Magna Carta.

Allow me to elaborate.

The Magna Carta was signed on June 15th in the year of the Lord 1215. Agreed upon by Patrick the Timid and the Duke of Sandwich (no relation to the Earl of Sandwich), it was essentially an agreement to rid Norway of Erik the Red and his illegitimate son, Leif Erikson (no relation to Leif Garrett). Due to their plundering, and pillaging, the citizens on Norway had had enough and sent the Vikings on their way. As a parting gift, they received 12 drums of heavily cured meat, two yaks and a portable gazebo for all their gaming pleasure.

So, the Vikings took off towards the Great Beyond, which is what Egypt was called in those days. On their way to Egypt, where they had planned a rendezvous with little Freddie Tutankhamen (who would later become King Tut), they got lost. Since there are very few road signs in the open sea, they floated towards the edge of the earth, when fate took over.

Just as they were about to fall off the edge of the world (in those days, the world had an edge and that wasn’t fixed until the Mayans put together all of their resources and curved the earth in 1631), they ran into Christopher Stickupass (who later changed his name to the more politically correct Christopher Columbus). He was looking for Isabel, Queen of the Nile, and as a joke, the Vikings pointed him due south! Little did they know that there was land ripe for the taking that way.

Well, Mr. Stickupass took the Vikings at their word, because he figured if you couldn’t trust Erik the Red, who could you trust? And trust he did. Luckily for him and his weary crew, they made it to shore just over twelve hours later, thanks to their rocket powered engine (which was destroyed in the Great Chicago Fire). When they got there, they immediately started breeding with the natives.

One of the crew members, Hieronymus Jefferson, took up with a native lady named Sheila. And nine months later, the great president, Thomas Jefferson, was sprung from her swollen womb.

Throughout his childhood, TJ (as his friends called Thomas Jefferson) dreamed of creating, and then becoming President, of the United States. As luck would have it, his magic 8 ball was correct and he did become President.

While President, TJ forced his white slaves Lewis and Clark to go all the way to the west coast to fetch a pail of water. While waiting for them, TJ grew bored and assumed they had died, so he decided to purchase Louisiana.

What TJ didn’t know is that Lewis and Clark had not died! Not only had they not died, they also had found gold in the west! This led to the Gold Rush of 1849, and the creation of California as a state.

Since so many people were moving to California, the city of Hollywood decided to move there too. The film industry had hit a snag in Hoboken, Ohio and it too was looking for greener pastures. The gold in California seemed just the place to find it.

And find it, it did! Through the years, Hollywood started producing hit movies and actors, including Ronald Reagan. Little Ronnie Reagan decided to parlay his movie stardom into the Presidency of the United States. As his running partner, he chose George H.W. Bush. This would prove to be an unwise move for future generations.

While H.W. eventually became President, he and Barbara spawned the great white Devil, known to America as George W. Bush. Since George W. wasn’t qualified for many things, he decided he should be President too. And America agreed.

This angered many foreign terrorists, who decided to hold back oil production to teach America a lesson. And a lesson we have learned. For, if any of these events had not happened, we would have elected John Kerry, gas would only be a nickel a gallon, Friends would still be on the air and we’d all have 40 acres of land and a mule.

Damn you Magna Carta. Damn you to hell. It’s all your fault! I want my flippin’ 40 acres of land and a mule, dang it!