Vance and V's wedding...

All drones to the front of the spaceship for a special announcement. I repeat, all drones to the front of the vessel...

Ahhh...last night was the much anticipated event; Vance and V's wedding. There was dancing, flasks, stupendous drinking by Mr. Casey and, of course, mass consumption of magically delicious cake. Overall...an excellent time.

However, I mus apologize to anyone who I may have offended. Now, as many of you may not remember, I'm a bit of a baby. And, what happens when babies stay up too late? They get cranky (or kranky, if you will). Well, once it hits midnight, I strapped on (pun intended) my footsie pajamas and grabbed my binkie, because I was in for some krankiness. So, I apologize for anyone who I was upset with, because it was no one's fault but mine, because I just wanted to sleep.

So, yeah. To sum it up, it was a fun night, Demon ruled the dance floor and Brent is a big baby who gets cranky and takes it out on people.

Hoo-hah! That is all. All drones please return to your work stations and commence biogenesis...

Get your groove on Brian Harper...

Dirty: I was bored at work the other day, so I did some checking on how much money I'll possibly make on our employee stock program.
Nelly: Oh yeah?
Dirty: Yeah. I figured out that if it continues to do as well as it's done recently, by the time I retire, I'll have 230 million dollars.
Nelly: Hmmm...
Dirty: And that's without putting any more money in!
Nelly: So, what's the rate of return you were using to make these calculations.?
Dirty: Well, currently it's been doubling every seven months.
Nelly: Riiiiigghhht. So, anyhoo, can I be the manager when you buy the Twins?
Dirty: Of course.
Nelly: Sweet butter! Paging Brian Harper, paging Brian Harper, you have a call on the white courtesy phone. Brian Harper, the Twins need a DH on the white courtesy phone.

In this corner...

Fighting out of the blue corner, wearing the plaid trunks, is the one, the only, Jerry "The King" Lawlor! And his ooponent, fighting out of the red corner, wearing the Russian dressing is the world famous six-inch Subway Club on wheat!

This match is scheduled to go 12 rounds. Subway Club has declared this is a title match and has put his Super-Ultra-Potato-Middleweight-Intercontnental-Table-Mega-Hyper-Spork Belt on the line!!

Now, in the tradition of the WWE, this match has a catch. This is known as the Eat or Be Eaten match. The first wrestler to completely eat the other one, then wash it down with an ice cold Pepsi-Cola, Pepsi-Cola is the choice of a new generation, will get to wear the belt and get one night with the 12 wonder of the ancient world...CHYNA!!

The King...are you ready? Subway Club...are you ready? OK, tap gloves gentlemen and come out chompin'...

Softball season's starting, we'll party tonight...

Ahh...it's that time of year again. The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them... as is my understanding. And by that, only two words come to mind...Are you ready for some softball??

So yes, by your opening of this e-mail, you have hereby confirmed that you are on the staff roster, or playing as an alternate, for the successful softball franchise Yarrr. We're not attractive (formerly known as More Cowbell).

Our first game is scheduled for Tuesday, April 25th at 6:00. The location is Bryn Mawr #9 (located here http://www.minneapolisparks.org/default.asp?PageID=4&parkid=253). I have never been there before, therefore, I don't know anything about fences, lights or access to young schoolchildren (sorry Dirty). I will bring schedules then.

I have not ordered T-Shirts, as I've become more and more uncreative recently and my latest thought was to have a picture of one eyed Willy wearing a turban...but I snapped myself out of that one. If everyone decides on T-Shirts, we can do that.

Since it looks like no T-shirts and we have 10 full time players, it's going to be $40 for everyone who signed up as a full-time player. You can give cash, checks, food stamps to me at the game.

We should probably have a practice sometime in the next couple of weeks before the first game so we can be well on our way to beating our stupid record from last year and hopefully mitigate the amounts of times we're shut out. I still can't believe we were actually shut out last year. So, we can set that up...I'm thinking the 22nd or 23rd. Let me know when works best.

If you're still reading this, I commend your patience, or deplore your lack of options of things to do with your life. You shall be richly rewarded. Here's a little something for the effort; there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed...you will receive total consciousness. So you've got that going for you...which is nice.

Devo, please print this out and give it to Carolyn to give to Denny.

The Nile ate my baby!!

My updates have been poor to sub-poor recently. There really is no excuse for this. I have not come down with the dreaded disease that causes Claphyllis. I have not lost my mind in a freak boking accident. Pure and simple, I have become as lazy as antelopes. Whether that means watching TV, driving here and yonder, to and fro and around we go; regardless, I have not had the mind to update my blog.

I have no worth as a person. If my lack of recent writing ability were a river, it would be the gandiose Nile...from the Pharoahs of Egypt to the mighty, mighty racism of South Africa, who doesn't love the Nile? I, for one, do not. Because I lost my baby to the Nile and I will never (NEVER!!) allow a river to swallow me whole again.

But I digress, that isn't the point of my entry, as I assume we all have gripes about the lousy Nile and all it's craptacular tributaries. Avast!

I pledge to you, that I will attempt to make updates more often, and whilst they may not be funny or entertaining, they will at minimum be strange and will make you wonder what kind of drugs I've been smoking (Lipitor).

So, you have that going for you, which is nice. Now...on to what we all came here for...hardcore nudity (attach naked picture of David Duchovny here)