Al Gore WAS right?!?!?!?

Now, I hate to admit it. I've made fun of Al Gore as much as the next guy. Perhaps even more. Calling him Stumpy, Pigg-o, El Stupid VP, The Son of Sloth and Pedro. But no more. I'm actually issuing an official Brent Nelson-approved apology to Mr. Al Gore and when he comes to Minnesota next time, I'm offering an open invitation (right here...in writing!!) to come to my house and drink a bottle of egg nog with me (assuming nog is in season).

Now, you may be asking, what made such an about face, Brent? Aren't you the guy who hated Al Gore more than almost anything? Didn't you once compare him to Face Poop? Well...no actually. But I never liked him, and he always made such a big deal about GLOBAL WARMING (it goes in caps...for emphasis) which I thought was a farce. But check out the following graph, and you'll see just how real GLOBAL WARMING is:

As you can see, the population of Pirates is dwindling...in direct correlation to the planet getting warmer!!

You see people...this is where GLOBAL WARMING kicks us in the butt! No ozone? So what? No Jolly Roger? Frick that! We need pirates!

Who else is going to pillage and plunder? Who else will strike fear in the heart of Vikings? Who else will make people walk the plank? Crup...I mean, who else even has a plank?

So...people...we need to band together. Strike out as one. Take back the night. Sit in for peace. And, in case you didn't know...all of those are ways to stop GLOBAL WARMING and bring back the Pirates. Remember...your kids have to live hear when you're gone. Do you really want them to live without Pirate's? I sure as hell don't...

thank you to Josh Ryan for bringing this to my attention. Next time, perhaps we will have a graph that shows how a rock can keep bears away.

You know it!!!

So, I opened the paper today, and this coupon to the left was sticky-taped to the front page. Heck yeah! Nineteen cent bread! Whoot, whoot! Holler at a player. That's what I'm talking about!!

Are you friggin' kidding me? Is this some joke? Did Marketing Tom put this through on a bet? I need to know. This can't be something that the CEO of Rainbow knows about. I refuse to believe that an intelligent person would approve this ad. I have to believe that the Rainbow marketing department is a collection of slightly slow albino koalas, otherwise my life doesn't make sense anymore.

Seriously though, if you're putting a coupon on the front page, shouldn't, at minimum, the following apply:

A) It's something that people will actually want.

2) It saves someone a significant amount of money.

D) It will entice people into the store instead of enticing people to make sarcastic blog posts at the store's expense.

Really...couldn't they have led with a coupon that saves you more than eighty cents? Is that too much to ask? But, I'm probably wrong and Billy Bob and Maria Gene saw the ad, hopped in the VW Bug Van and hightailed it to Rainbow, lest they miss this extraordinary one day sale!!!

In the mirror...

As you can see by the letter to the left, I was available to be taken in the 1998 NBA draft.

Oh, the GM's laughed at me then! Oh how they laughed! They giggled and chortled and tee-heed and tittered. They cackled and snickered and twittered and sniggered.

When they were finally through they offered a myriad of excuses on why they couldn't draft me:

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- "You're too short."

- "You're too white."

- "You have no discernable basketball skills and as far as we can tell, the only time you played organized basketball after 8th grade was intra-murals during senior year of high school and you even came off the bench for that."

- "You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. I loathe you."

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And so on and so forth, each attack getting more personal, until I felt like going all bitchcakes on them. But I held myself back. These could be my future employers, I thought.

Alas, after waiting by the phone in anticipation of getting that call that I'd been drafted (I was not invited to Madison Square Garden, just like Korleone Young shouldn't have been), I finally realized it wasn't going to happen. Maybe the GM's were right? Maybe my odor was foul and unpleasant!

But, what they didn't know is that I would have signed for any amount of money. Not the multi-millions the others in the first round got. So, you think the GM's that drafted the following people might owe me (and their friggin' fans) an apology? I think so!!

1ST ROUNDERS IN THE 1998 DRAFT WHO WERE WORSE PICKS THAN BRENT NELSON

• 1st Pick - LA Clippers - Michael Olowokandi
• 16th Pick - Houston Rockets - Bryce Drew
• 18th Pick - Houston Rockets - Mirsad Türkcan
• 20th Pick - Atlanta Hawks - Roshown McLeod
• 24th Pick - San Antonio Spurs - Felipe López
• 26th Pick - LA Lakers - Sam Jacobson
• 27th Pick - Seattle SuperSonics - Vladimir Stepania

And don't even flippin' get me started on Round 2!!!!

Damn you AGAIN Bill Simmons!!

From the September 24th issue of ESPN the Magazine, originally published on September 19th on ESPN Page 2 :

"...Networks pull the plug so quickly these days, you can be burned by getting hooked on something no one else is watching. Ask my wife, who's still complaining about never having learned the identity of the murderer on FOX's Reunion."

See...I wasn't the only one. The Sports Gal has my back too!

But, I got to thinking about it more, and FOX is the only station that consistently pulls its shows, and doesn't mention it anywhere. Sure, NBC pulled Kidnapped and CBS (or ABC, I forget which one) pulled Black Groundhog Day aka Daybreak. But let's examine the track record of FOX

SHOWS I WATCHED THAT CRAPPY FOX PULLED

• Skin (2003) - Cancelled after 3 episodes
• Reunion (2005) - Cancelled after 9 episodes
• Killer Instinct (2005) - Cancelled after 10 episodes
• Vanished (2006) - Cancelled after 13 episodes
• Justice (2006) - Cancelled after 12 episodes

So, what we're looking at here is that FOX cancels about 1 show I like before the conclusion, per season. Which show are they going to F me over with this year? I suppose we'll find out...

FOX Season Premiere Monday!!!

You remember back when FOX first started out, and it was like the CW is now? All they had was the Tracey Ullman show, 13 hours of Married with Children a day, and 4 hours of static? Now, it always starts the fall season before the other networks, just to stick it to them. Do I have a point? Besides that damn bump on my head, no. I just thought I'd point it out. Regardless FOX, if you F with my emotions again this year (you know what you've done so far), I'm going to be more pissed than Hootie at a Johnnie and the Blowfish concert. (WHOA!!!)

So...anyhoo, here's what we got rollin' tonight...

7 PM - Prison Break - Yes...it's back. The last episode last year confused me (much like my Johnnie and the Blowfish joke confused you). Where was he going and what was that room? I assume I'm going to find out about 7:30 tonight, when I start watching it (silently says praise to the TiVo God)

8 PM - K Ville - The reviews have been good. It looks good. Is it this season's Vanished and/or Reunion? Probably. So, enjoy those first 5 episodes. (No...I'm not bitter at all. Who was the damn killer in Reunion? Can't they put out a DVD with the unaired shows? Is that too much to ask?)

9 PM - Your Evening News - No, this isn't a show, but a little message to FOX; if you're going to play with the big boys, give us a full night of shows. If people want news, they can call Larry King...I'm sure he's available. Maybe you can add another show every night; that will give you move shows to cancel and alienate more fans (okay...perhaps I'm still a wee bit bitter)

ENJOY!!!

I friggin' LOVE fall!

OK, there are tons of reasons to love fall. I'm going to name the Top 10 right now, in order from best to less best (take that Letterman! You 7th rate drone...):

1. I'm getting married to the most beautiful girl in the world!
2. It gets to be sweater and jeans weather, and I look like a homeless man's Polo model in a sweater and jeans
3. I can leave the windows of the house open and not break into a sweat (though all of us can't say that)
4. The friggin' new fall season. I'll say later this week what shows I'm excited for.
5. Fantasy football is back! (though sim sports has become my new addiction)
6. Vikings. Now we watch as Childress proves America wrong. It's the feel good story of the year that doesn't involve Michael Vick getting some unpleasantness in prison (I think you all know what I mean).
7. The Huskers are back and I'm going to a game. And the slim National Title hopes rest in Lincoln this week. Ask me what I think about those chances about 8 pm central time this Saturday.
8. My birthday, though I prefer to treat it like any other day where I go to eat at the Timber Lodge.
9. Halloween and the group of trick-or-treaters that never come to my door. I might be in for a surprise this year, because it seems like the lonely skateboard kid in the neighborhood has befriended the Russian kids that don't speak English. We could be looking at a new feel-good story!
10. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I've already started preparing to eat myself into a food-coma, which is just as good as it sounds!

You've won this round Peter King...

Yes, you may have won the first round, but lets see what asinine picks you make next week (or perhaps yo're he genius and I'm the one who knows nothing. I've been told that before...)

How to Lose Your Fantasy League...by Peter King

Ahhh yes! Peter King is back at it again! The famed MMQB guru is giving out horrible fantasy advice, under the guise or good advice. This killed me last year and kills me again. Here is the link to his article this week:

Peter King's 10 Fantasy Leagues (To Lose Week 1)

My favorite "advice" he has is the following:

2. Bench LJ for Marshawn Lynch

Yep...that's how you win leagues, set your #1 pick down for a 5th or 6th rounder. Perhaps you should bench Manning too and start Romo instead (but why would you ever have those two on the same team?)

Mmmmm...Arby's Breakfast....

So, I'm driving by Arby's yesterday and they are big into advertising their hours. Not as big as Ralph Harris is at sucking at stand-up comedy, but big none the less. Picture Roseanne. About that big. Give or take a waffle.

But, more to the point, their opening hours are highlighted on the window in that fluorescent paint like substance that we all hate. But here are their hours:

Weekdays: Open at 6am
Saturday: Open at 7am
Sunday: Open at 8am

Now, I don't have a problem with that. I'm sure there are people in the world that need a Big Beef 'N Cheddar at 6 in the morning. And, if the Rubes are buyin', someone ought to be sellin'.

What gets me is the Sunday hours. Who in the world is going to have all of the following on Sunday morning: (this isn't an either/or scenario...you must hit the trifecta)

a) Up at that time (I will be, but I'm a freak of nature...like Roseanne...in a good way)
b) Have the drive to, um, drive to Arby's
c) Be craving a Big Beef 'N Cheddar

My guess is that early morning shift is about as exciting as being the "Hat Guru" at Lids at MOA. Or the "Magnet Jockey" at the Magnet Zone.

My point is, the shift sucks, they'll make no money, no one wants Arby's on Sunday morning, so just open at noon like a regular place you inconsiderate morons.

Does this affect me? No. But I assume everyone will get pissed off and avoid Arby's like people avoid...Roseanne. And they sure as crup don't want that...

Comcast van??

When I came home from Lifetime today, I was driving along, minding my own business, trying to figure out who would win if Bigfoot indian leg-wrestled the Loch Ness Monster (it's Bigfoot, by the way, as Nessie has small, girlish appendages). Then, I finally got home. The image above is what greeted me.

Now, I know most of you are thinking, "So what? What's the big deal, stupid? Boo-hoo-hoo someone parked in front of my house. Wah-wah. I'm a big baby and I don't know how to use the big boy toilet yet."

Now, first off, you're rather mean and crude. And I'm working on the toilet thing. I swear. The results just haven't been that positive. Just ask Alison. But that's neither here nor there. Seriously, just take a closer look at the above picture.

Notice anything strange? At all? Well, I'll tell you then Einstein. Look at the circled cones. Yes, there are cones set to the front and back of the Comcast van.

"What are these cones for?" you ask.

Well, I think it's quite obvious the cones are there to notify you that the van is there. But, don't you think if you can't see the van, you're probably not going to be able to see the cones around it? I mean, seriously, what's the point of this? Is it so I don't hit the van? "Crup! I almost hit that van! Didn't see it at all! Good thing they had those notifying cones there!"

This is ridiculous and makes me sad. But perhaps there's a new customer for the Flash Flare Pro. Who knew cable companies would need something like that??