Germs of Love...2

So, Alison and I are watching Rock of Love 2, trying to figure out if anyone else will figure out that Megan is the same Megan from Beauty and the Geek 3, when she said something so profound, so astounding, it has to be repeated..right here...right now...

"If she cares about germs, she obviously isn't here for Bret."

Yep...it's true.

Other words that can be used to replace gems in the previous sentence include:

Gonorrhea
Syphilis
Donovanosis
Gangrene
Toe jam
Mung
Hamburger University

Really...that house is like a petri dish in a germ warfare lab...

Gross...

Bag O' Coupons

OK, so Alison and I are at Hell last night (and, as you all know, Hell is Target when there are 14 million people at night and only 6 registers open) and we're getting ready to check out.

Like a good Boy Scout, I run down the line of registers, looking for the line that is shortest to get me out of this place and in front of my TV ASAP.

So, I stumble upon a line where the woman is just paying, but I notice that it's a moron I saw in the store earlier. She was walking around, talking on her cell phone in Russian or German and laughing like Kendra; I knew she was an idiot just from that. I'm going to call her "Idiot Russian or German Butt Lady" (or IRoGBL for short) for this story.

But her conveyor belt was clear, so there's no way she could mess this up. Plus, all the other lines had people backed up. So, I started to unload our stuff; little did I know, this woman had coupons. Good times.

Now, I have nothing against coupons. I'm as cheap as Willie Aames, so I like to use them too. But, like a normal human being who is not a giant dink, I have my coupons ready to be scanned so I don't hold up society.

Here's how this woman's process went:

Cashier: Do you have any coupons?
IRoGBL: Well, let me see.
IRoGBL: Reaches into a huge Bed, Bath & Beyond bag and pulls out about 45 coupons
Cashier: Looks at her in amazement
IRoGBL: I have this one, and this one, and this one.
Cashier: Scans the coupons in
Cashier: Um, ma'am, you didn't buy this product.
IRoGBL: Yes I did. You already put it in the bag.
Brent: Looks over her shoulder, sees it's a coupon for Cheerios from Cub
Cashier: Um, all right. Whatever.
IRoGBL: I know I have more coupons.
IRoGBL: Reaches back into the bag and pulls out 75 more coupons
IRoGBL: Here. I have this.
Cashier: Looks at the coupon
Cashier: Um, ma'am, I don't even think they make NO FEAR T-Shirts anymore.
IRoGBL: It's okay, just take the coupon off.
Cashier: Fine. Whatever. I don't care.
Cashier: Okay, your total is $74.52.
IRoGBL: $74.52? Okay, now let me get my checkbook out. What store am I at again?
Brent: starts taking his stuff off the conveyor belt and putting it back in the cart to try another line

I hate people...

Biaggi's Nightmare...

So, Alison, Devo, Kati and I went to Biaggi's for dinner on Saturday night. And, since Maple Grove is the busiest place west of Cleveland, nowhere had any reservations available after 3 pm, so we decided to head up there and see if they could squeeze us in somewhere, sometime.

So, we arrive about 5 pm and they say we'd get a table about 6 pm. Okay, that's fine. We can wait an hour. That's not that long. Unless you're starving, which we were. Ar least they have free bread when you sit down for dinner. Or do they?

Anyhoo, 6:15 rolls around and I go up there an ask if there's a chance we'll be sat soon. Of course, he says it will just be a couple minutes.

So, 6:45 rolls around and our little futuristic pager coaster finally buzzes. Devo is sitting in the corner, gnawing on his hand, so we're lucky we got called. I think he was about 8 minutes from having a hook.

So, we go and sit down and our waiter, Jake, comes over and gets our drink order. He casually mentions that bread and water are on the way (you know...like in prison).

What he didn't casually mention is that all the other tables around us would get their bread first, or refills of bread, or platinum watches and whatever else they were giving people that weren't us.

So, he comes back with our drinks, after about 15 minutes because the bar was "packed", and he's surprised we don't have any bread or water. We're surprised too and I'd actually started to eat the "biaggi butter" (which is perhaps the worst name in the world) with a spoon.

Finally, after he takes our order, the bread arrives and we go through 3 baskets in a matter of seconds. It seems Jake knew he messed up, so he must have rushed our food, because it was out in what seemed like minutes.

Unfortunately, Alison got her wrong meal. So, eventually, she got her food and we're finally done with this travesty. And the bill comes, which was nicely comped for all the hassle and mistakes...

and by nicely comped, I mean that he charged us full price and didn't even offer us a free dessert. I hope he enjoys his 18% tip...that'll show him...

American Gladiators...

So, I'm sure you all are watching the new American Gladiators on NBC, so I won't go on about how awesome it is. Though I do wonder if you need to go to some sort of academy to be a ref on it. I mean, you have to ask both the contender and the Gladiator if they're ready, before you blow your whistle.

But that's not why I'm writing. What I wanted to write about is how they come up with their names. I mean, there are all sorts of tough names; from Zap to Titan to Justice to Wolf.

So, I'm watching the Gauntlet, and they're introducing the Gladiators.

First, it's Venom (nice...like a snake...deadly)
Second, it's Stealth (sweet...undetectable...drops bombs...great)
Third, it's Siren (fantastic...like the police are coming...well played)
Finally, it's Helga (you know...like a 1920's Scandinavian milk maid)

Helga? HELGA? Really...that's the name you came up with for your fierce character? What, were Joni and Kara already taken?
It's like back in 1980's WWF, when the good guys would never wrestle the other good guys, so you always go something like this:

"And now, entering the ring. The one, the only.,..HULK HOGAN!!! And his opponent, already in the ring, the very capable Kenny..."

Lame...

McDonald's: The New Hang Out?

So, I'm reading an MSN article on McDonald's and how they're trying to establish it as a coffee place where people will go and hang out. Here's the part that unnerved me:

It's all part of a company strategy to turn McDonald's from a grab-and-go fast-food chain into an order-and-stay restaurant where customers can surf the Internet and linger over coffee.

Linger? Order and stay? When you're in a McDonald's, the best thing about the place is getting out of that depressing, life-sucking vacuum and moving to a place where you don't feel like your face wants to die with each hellish breath.

Seriously, do I want to stay with a bunch of crying kids, complaining because they didn't get the "good" toy in their Happy Meal, while their mom is on the cell phone, yelling at their dad because the kids are crying, all the while, some hippo in a Phish tank top is pounding down his 8th Big Mac of the day and pulling a stare and creep at the crying kids?

Yeah, that's the place I want to "linger" at? Christ...while they're at it, they may want to go to the Potalet cmpany and suggest they put Yankee Candles in every Porta-potty, so people might dillydally in there and soak up the ambiance...

Thanks genius...

Brent: So, I'm thinking of going to the Bahamas this winter.
Moron: Oh, I've been there.
Brent: Great! Did you like it?
Moron: Yeah, it was fantastic. Where are you thinking of staying?
Brent: Oh, I'm just looking right now. Is there anywhere you suggest?
Moron: Well, I stayed at the Ritz. It's pretty nice.
Brent: Oh, really? The Ritz is pretty nice? And what do you suggest I eat while I'm down there? I hear food is pretty good. And I'm also looking to breathe. Should I use oxygen?? Idiot...

Lovely folk round them parts...

Vance: I'm getting excited for Devo's wedding weekend.
Brent: Yeah, it should be a good time.
Vance: Think of all the townies we'll see that weekend at the tables!!!
Brent: Yeah, should be plenty of "interesting" people there.
Vance: Although we'll smell like ass from all of the smoke.
Brent: Can you still smoke in there? What is it; West Virginia? I kid...I kid...West Virginia is a lovely place...to MARRY YOUR SISTER!

Take THAT West Virginia!

Diet Coke?

Waitress: What can I get you to drink?
Annoying Woman: Umm...do you have Diet Coke?
Waitress: Diet Pepsi okay?
Annoying Woman: Hmmmmmm...
Waitress: (stares at woman while she's deciding)
Waitress: (still staring)
Annoying Woman: Okay! I'll do it.
Waitress: (turns back and starts walking away)
Annoying Woman: (laughingly to the back of the Waitress) It's not my favorite though.
Waitress: (ignores Annoying Woman)
Brent: (slams head on table until blood oozes out and fills up a glass and then he dumps it on Annoying Woman's face)
Waitress: (applauds Brent's ingenuity)
Annoying Woman: Blood isn't my favorite either...

Man...do I miss waiting tables. I'm sure that Annoying Woman was an excellent tipper too...

The weathered man...

Now, if you know Devo, you know that he's a big guy. Bigger-than-his-coaches-when-he-was-twelve big. Here's something you might not know; a few years ago, when Devo was lifting in the weight room at the University of Minnesota, he started talking to some dude. The guy eventually asked how old Devo was and Devo said he was 26. The guy said, "Damn...you look really weathered."

Now, we don't really know what that means, but it obviously didn't sit too well. I mean, who wants to be called weathered?

So, I'm perusing CNN.com yesterday and I see that they're searching for a "weathered" man in Georgia in connection with the missing hiker. So, of course, I have to send Devo the following e-mail:

Moronic passenger...

So, Alison and I are flying down to Arizona. We're sitting in the airport, minding our own business (and by minding our own business, I mean we're eavesdropping on conversations to stifle the suffocating boredom of waiting for a plane) when I overhear a conversation that, in my mind, is immensely moronic.

This girl, I'll call her Moronic Girl (MG), was talking to some friend on the phone (Cell Phone Friend aka CPF), who I have to assume was mean and sarcastic. So, I only actually heard what MG was saying, and everything that CPF says is what I am guessing she said. It went something like this:

MG: Yeah, I'm just sitting here, waiting for my plane.
CPF: You are soooooo stupid. By the way, 1985 called and it wants its pink tights back.
MG: So, like anyway, I'm in row 42. Is that near the back of the plane?
CPF: My God, could you be any dumber? Seriously, if stupid were people, you'd be China.
MG: Doesn't even matter if I'm in the back, because they always put the cool people in the back of the airplane.
CPF: Yep, that's what I heard too. They put the cool people in the back of the plane. Amazingly enough, Northwest Airlines has created a formula to figure out how cool you are when you buy your tickets. I'm sure you'll be back there with Kenny G, Miles Davis, Willie Aames and Joey McIntyre. Idiot.
MG: Where is Arizona anyway?
CPF: I'm hanging up now, because that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That is so stupid, it makes my fingernails hurt. If I could jump through this phone right now and poke your eyes out with the antenna, I would.

Hmmmm....I like the way this Cell Phone Friend thinks and talks and I might want to subscribe to her newsletter....