Photo finish??

So, I click on this link on CNN.com, where this guy is racing a cheetah. I thought it might be interesting. I mean, cheetahs are fast. Men (some) are fast. So, if this is a girl cheetah, it will be a good race. I kid, I kid. Seriously though...

They set up this whole race thing and explain how they are planning on getting the cheetah to run. Then, they casually mention that the guy has a 35 yard headstart! Then, they race.

And the stupid anchor announcing this thing mentions it's much closer than anyone expected and it was a photo finish. Are you serious? I mean, the guy had a 35 yard headstart!

This would be like me, going out to left field at the Metrodome and hitting the ball into the upper deck, 520 feet from homeplate. Then,the announcer says that I hit the second longest homerun in Metrodome history, all the while, forgetting that I was standing in left field. I really don't understand morons like this guy...

Stupid creating a scene...

So, I'm at Lifetime (Fitness, not the TV network...stupid Petredis) today and I was doing 40 inch box jumps. Good times.

I had to go grab the 36 inch box, which I had to wrangle away from one of their "trainers". As I grab it, she says "Are you going to jump up on that?" with a look in her eye like she'd just seen her first set of boobs (I don't know if she was a lesbian or not, but I assume everyone has the same reaction the first time they see boobs, men and women alike). I said I was and she said, "Sweet. She's really excited." and pointed at her client. Great. So, I'll have an audience. Which doesn't not kind of suck.

Then, I had to grab some of the platforms to transform the 36-inch box into a 40-inch box. Which is just as unsafe as it sounds (essentially, setting the big box on two platforms, which means the box and/or the platforms can move at any moment...more on that later).

Now, as I got ready to do my first set of 15 jumps, I could feel many sets of eyes on me, since no one really works out there, as the trainers only seem to teach people how to do lunges and curls at the same time (most bang for your buck!!). So, all I want to do is not biff it. So I start, and get going and everything went fine. First set of 15 was successful.

Alas, I was doing two sets of 15. And therein lies the rub.

I got ready to do the second set, and I felt the same group of eyes, if not more, on me again. Which is fine. I don't care. Much. Or are I?

So, I started doing the jumps. When I got to 14, I took an extra second to gather myself for the last jump, since my legs were cashed. Apparently, I didn't gather enough time. Because I made it to the top of the box, but not enough in the middle. A bit too much on the side. So, the box and/or the platform moved and I found meself (went Scottish on you there) horizontal to the ground, which is not where you want to be. (at least not in this case...wink wink, nudge nudge, creepy double thumbs up) And I stuck out my arm to break my fall, but that didn't help much, except it helped me to hurt my bad wrist. And I still landed completely on my back and butt.

So, the things that I think sucked about this are:

A) I didn't finish my second set of 15 successfully.
B) I landed on my bad wrist.
C) There were tons of eyes on me.
C corallary) None of those eyes knew it was my last jump, so they thought I quit after I biffed the jump, which I wouldn't have done.
D) Now all the lunge curlers think I suck, when, in actuality, I only moderately suck and they can't know that just from my appearance and lack of coordination.

Super long story short, I don't think I'll be moving above the 40 inch box the next time my workout calls for high box jumps. Hopefully I don't fall again next time and relegate myself to Ardolf status...

My Pop Grades...

Now, since I've been questioned extensively as an expert on drinking pop (lest we forget the famous day when I consumed 35 cans) I thought I would give you all some advice on what kinds of pops I enjoy. Enjoy!

COLAS

1. Diet Pepsi - Better than Diet Coke. I can't say why, it just is. There...I said it (Don't you dare sue me Spade! I served you a hamburger damn it!).
2. Diet Coke - A very good choice, when Diet Pepsi is unavailable, which is in most restaraunts.
3. Coke Zero - Uses the original recipe for Coca-cola. Woooooo...I'm getting shivers! Or not. It's okay, but drink more than 3 in a row and your mouth tastes like Ellen DeGeneres looks.
4. Diet Super Chill - Ahhh...the Cub brand cola. Excellent. Or not terrible. At least it's not Tab.
5. Tab - Speaking of...

NON-COLAS

1. Diet Mountain Dew - Delicious. Delicious. Delicious. Also, the best pop for chugging, you know...if you get into a pop chugging contest (I'm looking at you on this one Dvorak!)
2. Diet Mountain Mist - Yep...this is the Cub brand. It's surprisingly good. And at lest it's not as gross as Vault Zero.
3. Vault Zero - Speaking of...
4. Sierra Mist Free/Sprite Zero - Both of these suck. Seriously. The only redeeming quality is they don't have caffeine. Bleh! Which is why they're last.
5. (Fresca is not on the list, as I don't believe in it. It's like Unicorns or chiropractors. It doesn't exist.)

*sidenote* I have neglected to include Mello-Yello and Surge, since they are not made anymore. But Surge was delicious and I drank two cans before every baseball game my senior year of high school. Which, I'm assuming is why I led the league in homers. That, and our fence was shorter than the fence at Williamsport. It's also the reason I got fat. That...and because I could eat 18 pieces of Godfather's pizza at the buffet. But I'm getting off track here. My point, I think, is that I hate the TV show "The Wedding Bells." It sucks horrible. *end sidenote*

CHERRY COLAS

1. Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi - Fantastic. Bold tase. Gives you wings. Or something more clever than that. No matter what anyone tells you it does not make you hallucinate.
2. Cherry Coke Zero - It's good. Just not great. But better than any of the colas, and all the Non-Colas besides Mountain Dew.
3. Diet Cherry Coke - It leaves a weird taste. Not bad. Just weird. Like Buddy Lembeck (come on Charles in Charge fans...get the joke!!)

PEPPER COLAS

1. Pibb Free - Score one for the Coke company! This is a delicious, refreshing beverage. Though I hate the name change (like how the Mars company got rid of Mars bars and replaced it with Snickers Almond.). What kind of game are they trying to pull here?
2. Diet Dr. Pepper - It's good, until you try Pibb Free. But at least it's not Diet Dr. Thunder.
3. Diet Dr. Thunder - Speaking of...

David Carr?

This makes no sense to me. Why in the world are the Vikings not signing David Carr?

Is Tevarious Jackson that good (no)?
Do the Vikings already have someone who can be considered a franchise QB (no)?
Is the cost for Carr that great (no)?
Are they upset with the draft picks they'd lose to get him (no)?

Then what in the world is the hold up?? This is the former #1 pick in the draft! Not that that means he has to be good, but come on...this isn't Rick Mirer here. I don't know how well Peyton Manning would have played with that offensive line in Houston, and that receiving corps.

This is a QB who completed 68% of his passes last year. This is a perfect guy for the "West Coast" offense that Childress claims to run. So, let's get Carr on board, then see if we can trade up for Calvin Johnson. If not, let's take LaRon Landry in the first, and try to grab Steve Smith in the second. Come on Vikes! I know you can get off those "Worst Offseason" lists! It's just going to take this signing and a good draft, so let's stop consulting with McHale and actually DO SOMETHING!!! NOTE: Something DOES NOT include SIGNING BOBBY WADE!!!

ESPN Fantasy All-Stars...

Today, I watched the ESPN Baseball Tonight Fantasy Baseball Special. Correction, I mean I tried to watch it. I couldn't. It was too terrible.

Now, as you all know, I will read and watch anything related to fantasy sports. I've printed out more articles from more obscure sites than I can count. I don't care. I just want some insight on fantasy baseball.

Now, back to ESPN. I wanted to watch the show because they have some people that give solid advice (TMR) and people who I enjoy reading (Cockcroft and Karabell). Unfortunately for their special, they decided to do the thing that irks me more than anything; have people who don't understand fantasy baseball host the show.

Are you going to have Spencer Pratt host Hardball? No, because he's a douche and doesn't know anything about the topics on the show. Same thing with Fantasy Baseball.

So, I thought I'd give it a chance anyway. In the first 3 minutes, Tim Kurkjian said that he'd draft Albert Pujols number 1 because "he has 100 more walks than strikeouts in his career." Ummm...that's relebant to baseball, but not to fantasy. But I can deal with it, because TMR and Karabell are there. Plus, Pujols has to be #1.

Then, they were debating the sixth pick and Karl Ravech says "Well, I debated between Jose Reyes and Robinson Cano for this pick..." and I don't know who he decided on. I had to turn the TV off. When your host is debating the 7th best second baseman versus arguably the best player in fantasy baseball, I can't take it. Damn it, you might as well draft Mariano Rivera in the first round, if that's how much you care.

Stupid ESPN. Why don't you just get Jennie Finch to be one of your fantasy baseball analysts. Oer...too late...

America's High Flying Sport??

I was driving yesterday and the person in front of me had a bumper sticker. As much as I hate bumper stickers, I have to try to read all of them on the car in front of me. I can't help it. It's a sickness. Like listening to Hillary Duff. But that's neither here nor there.

The point of all this is this; the bumper sticker in front of me had this on it:

Join America's

HIGH FLYING SPORT!

HOMING PIGEON RACING!!

Really? Homing pigeon racing? And you're going to advertise that you actually participate in this geekfest to total strangers?

I mean, in all honesty, your own family doesn't want to know about your losertacular pursuits; what makes you think that society wants to know how you waste your free time? Come on!

And what's the deal with all the exclamations? Is it really that exciting? Maybe a question mark after sport? Letting it be a question as to whether this is a sport. Now that's a bumper sticker I can really get behind...

Hair Restoration Institute

I was watching Sportscenter, so it was not TiVo'd; this means that I got roped into watching commercials. Which means I was unhappy, like George Bush when he lost the bet and was forced to jump out of Richard Simmons birthday cake (true story!).

However, I saw a commercial that made me think back to how dumb those Bowflex commercials are (you can use up to 400 pounds of resistance... or more).

So, I was watching a commercial for the Hair Restoration Institute and some chick who used to be bald was yammering on about how great the institute was and they gave her a beautiful Chia head, or something like that. I really wasn't paying attention, as I was distracted by my fist punching my mouth.

Anyhoo, what caught my attention was the following:

The Hair Restoration Institute offers so many options; from surgical to non-surgical.

Um...hello genius! Are you serious? Do you know what the definition of "so many" is? I'll tell you what it isn't...it isn't two. Can you imagine going to a restaraunt and they give you the wine list and it contains two wines?

Waiter: Which wine can I get you sire?
Customer: Jeez damn! Are you frackin' kidding me?? Two options? That's so many!! I don't know what to do. I'm in a quandary here. I've never been faced with so many options! I can either go white...or red. Butt spokes!! Give me some time. I'm going to have to weigh all these options here and see which is suitable. Crip! Give me 45 minutes or so. I'm going to get out a piece of paper and list all the reasons one of the options is good on one side, then I'll make a list of the reasons all the other options are good on the other side. Might want to grab a chair friend, 'cause it's gonna be awhile.
Waiter: Of course. I expect nothing less, what with so many options. We have beds in back if you need to take a break while noodling through the plethora of options.

Gosh, I especially hate people, but I especially hate stupid people.

Junk Yard follow-up

So, I decided it would be a good idea to follow-up with my friend, and yours, Abram. I wanted to know how he's been, what's been going on, had he sold his junkyard credit yet. You know, the ushe (short for usual). What follows is my e-mail, and his e-mail back...word for word...
------------------------------------------------------------------
My e-mail:

From: Brent Nelson
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: abram quito

Did anyone ever buy that store credit from you or do you still have it available?

His response:

From: abram quito
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: Brent Nelson

that's 4 me 2 know and 4 u 2 wonder bud

*******i sold it brent nelson from Trent Belson, XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX*******
i made $150 cash and sold the sucka (like u) $80 in gift card
ha this craigslist posting does work

man that the most incoherant rant i here from u
if that was yo goal congrats MAN SHUT YO DICK ALREADY SLAPPED TRASH MOUTH
THINKING U IS SOMETHING LIKE A WISE MAN

anyways thanks for wondering
AND QUIT BEEN ON MY TIP DAMN!
------------------------------------------------------------------
I honestly don't know what to say to this. Apparently, he sold it to me, and somehow discovered that my credit card number was full of x's. Maybe Abram is savvier than I gave him credit for. Maybe I'm the moron and he's so far above me, I don't understand him. That could be it. Or, and I think this is more likely, I've been conversing with someone with a pre-school education who watched too much Eddie urphy growing up.

Chinese Gatorade Shower...

When Tony Dungy got the Gatorade and water shower after winning the Super Bowl, the Chinese announcers went crazy! They were loving it a little too much. I find it interesting that it's become run-of-the-mill in the United States, it still enthralls the Chinese...or at least the announcers. Eh...who am I kidding...I love the Gatorade shower too...

Craiglist justification...

***WARNING!!! COARSE LANGUAGE!!!***

I said in my previous post that I would e-mail the person who posted that listing. As expected, the response from him was well reasoned, justified and completely coherent. Read on...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My first e-mail:

From: Brent Nelson
Subject: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: sale-273074806@craigslist.org

Why in the world would someone want to pay $80 to get an $80 credit at a junkyard? I mean, if they wanted something at a junkyard (and I assume most people don't, but that's beside the point), wouldn't they just use their money and buy it? What's the benefit to having a credit? I'm sorry...this makes no sense to me, and is so ridiculous, I just had to find out what the deal is. Thanks!

His first response:

From: abram quito
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: Brent Nelson

i have store credit
i returned something and they said i will have store credit
i said fuck you son of a bitch
i wanted cash so now i am selling this gift card for $80 cash

My second e-mail:

From: Brent Nelson
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: abram quito

Right. I understand that. But, why, if for some reason, I wanted to buy something there, would it be beneficial to use your store credit instead of cash? What's your reasoning?

His second response:

From: abram quito
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: Brent Nelson

i don't shop there anymore
i have a new car and the cars there are old
so i need $80 cash

My third e-mail:

From: Brent Nelson
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: abram quito

Ahhh...I see. So, because you need $80 cash, you think someone else needs a credit at a junkyard worth $80? That makes sense. If it were opposite day. Which it is not. The crux of the situation is you have overpriced your product. Wouldn't it make more sense to try to sell your credit for about $60 instead, therefor allowing both individals to benefit from the transaction?

His third response:

From: abram quito
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: Brent Nelson

oh i get it so u shop at the junkyard
get me a day and i will spent 75 bucks on something
stupid and u pay me $60 cash and u get the card worth $5

deal
if no fuck off then u need a dick slap
STOP MAKING YOURSELF ACT LIKE PEPE LE PUKE
a fucking butthole

My fourth e-mail:

From: Brent Nelson
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: abram quito

That's about the most incohenernt rant I've ever read. If that was your goal...congratulations. If not...well...I don't know what to say. I wish you the best of luck trying to get $80 for your junkyard credit of $80. I think you have a gold mine on your hand...

His fourth response:

From: abram quito
Subject: Re: GIFT CARD FOR SALE - $80
To: Brent Nelson

hey me is a hustla got 2 make my dough
in this fuckin' business ya know wha i'ms sayin'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes...yes I think we all know what you're saying. Possibly that you're an idiot...