The Appendix...

Apparently the Vikings forgot to read the Appendix of the Super Bowl Book. I will delve into two very important topics that I totally forgot about. I admit, like Manfred Mann, I was Blinded by the Light. Here goes...

The Redskins Corallary (formerly the Oriole Corollary) - States that you can not sign an aging group of players who were solid two years ago, plug them in your line-up and expect to win. Real football and fantasy football are different, which is why I toil away at a desk instead of being general manager of an NFL team.

The Elway Axiom - States that you can not lose a star player, expect to replace them with someone moderately as talented and expect to win. Brian Griese and Mike Shanahan found this out the hard way, just like Mike Tice is doing right now.

Now, does this mean I've given up on the season after the drubbing at the hands of the Bengals?

A thousand times no. I never doubted them for a minute for I knew that their monkey strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung.

There are some simple solutions that Mr. Tice (or whoever the head coach is after the bye week (hint, hint)) needs to do to resurrect the Viking ship.

• Let Smoot do his job. Put him on an island. Have him be Urkel to the other team's Laura. He talks as much yap as Deion, why not let him back it up? It doesn't help to have Winfield cover number one receivers. He's a good tackler, but not a great cover corner. Let Fred go out there and back up his trap.
• Pick a flippin' running back! You're not doing anyone any favors switching it all around. Pick a guy and stick with him for more than six plays. When people are watching their back because they know they can be pulled at any second, they play tight. And that's when mistakes happen. If they know they can continue to play after making a mistake, maybe they'll make fewer? Hmmm...wow! It's like rocket science for morons.
• Ummm...hi. Stretch the damn field! You drafted a guy with 4.2 speed; use him! Send him on a fly. Do something to open up the field. Cripes.
• Go back in time and let Birk play this year (this is the toughest of all suggestions). Better yet, maybe go back in time and teach your father the value of a condom. I'm just sayin' Tice; it may be something to look into.
• Work with Culpepper on pass progressions. He locks on one receiver and when he's not open, he freaks out, like a deer in the headlights, or a girl when I try to kiss her. So, lead him through some progressions, just like you would with a rookie.
• For the love of God, don't panic. It's a long season. You've started 7-0 and not made the playoffs. This is far from a done deal.

See, I'm still on the wagon. Who's with me? Who's coming with me??