Protected by Viper????

Now, as many of my dear readers know, I drive a 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix GTP. In it, I have an "investment" (for the purposes of this article, I will use investment very loosely, since the whole premise behind an investment is that said investment will rise in value and this actually decreases value. Moving on...) of about $6,000 worth of various stereo equipment, including (but not limited to) 4 12-inch Kicker Solobaric subs, MB Quartz speakers throughout and an Alpine Infinity head unit. I say all of this as background to the fascinating yarn that I am about to weave.

To protect the money that I have thrown into my car, I thought it pertinent to get a loud, annoying burglar deterrance device (i.e. a car alarm). Now, as we all know, loud, annoying burglar deterrance devices don't actually work and all they do is annoy everyone when a stiff wind sets them off. But Kayne West is racist and we still enjoy his music. Moving on...

So, I got my loud, annoying burglar deterrance device to make me feel better about my car. It came with various bells and whistles and a tiny remote to turn it on and off. Nothing could be simpler.

Until the battery firkin' runs out on the remote!

Yep. This fancy little remote doesn't open and there is no visible evidence that you need to replace the battery, or that there even is, in fact, a battery. But it doesn't run on pineapples, so I assume there is a battery in there somewhere.

Now, the crux of my story. I was at Lifetime today and set my loud, annoying burglar deterrance device like I normally do. When I came out, I pressed the loud, annoying burglar deterrance device button and nothing happened. This isn't unusual, as it happens on occasion and I just need to move closer to the car. So, I did that.

Nothing.

So, I was stuck. Didn't know what to do. I felt like Lisa after Corynn went off on her. Like the tree, I was stumped! (boo-yeah)

I thought "Maybe if I open the door, I can just start the car and kill the alarm that way."

The last idea I had that was this bad was when I said, "Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, 'When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?'"

So, I opened the car door and immediately the loud, annoying burglar deterrance device starts blaring. Everyone is looking at me! I think I saw someone on the Mir spacestation point at me and laugh. I felt like Eddie Murphy after he picked up Atisone Seiuli, only I didn't have anyone to sue for 5 million dollars for my mistake.

I jumped in while I was Tupacin' (all eyes were on me) and stuck the key in the ignition to kill the alarm and start the car. Small point of reference...the key doesn't work when the alarm is going!

Sprot!

OK, so I have the keys, but no remote to turn off my loud, annoying burglar deterrance device. How in the butt am I going to get home?

I got out of the car and shut the door, to get some air and think. And the damn loud, annoying burglar deterrance device went off again!!

Now, it felt like I was urinating on the Great Wall and the eyes of a billion people were watching my every move. That's two billion individual eye balls!

I started bouncing around, here and there and everywhere. I must have looked like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch. Seriously, if anyone was ever going to report a car being broken into because the loud, annoying burglar deterrance device was going off, this was the time. And it didn't happen.

So, I'm still stuck in the parking lot, trying to figure out how to pump some life into this battery so I can go to my house, where my bed and TV...is. And then, it struck me!

I used my quick goat thinking and rubbed the remote starter as fast as I could. I thought this may create friction, heating up the remote, hence warming up the battery. And it worked!! The damn remote worked, and I turned off the loud, annoying burglar deterrance device. Unbelievable!

Now, for all of you who beared through this mostly unfunny, blatantly unreadable story, I thank you. And, as a little treat, I will let you all in on a little embarrassing secret of mine that, again, shows how much I turn girls off (which is why I know most of you read this anyway...)

The other night, I took a date to Acme comedy club, for a night of laughs and enjoyocity. So, Dave Mordal was performing (very funny, even the opener was good...7 out of 9 mics for the night of comedy) I had my own little witty remark to make. Not wanting to annoy Dave and receive his wrath, I leaned over to whisper the joke into my dates ear. Apparently, she thought I was going in for "The Kiss", because she recoiled as if I were Dustin Diamond and the look on her face was like she had just eaten a huge handful of Mike 'N Ikes. So...at that point, I realized there probably wasn't going to be a future with this lady.

Thanks for staying with me!! Swing low, sweet chariot!!