The Halloween Explanation

Now, as we all know, Halloween is coming and that can only mean one thing; I'm gonna be drinking Long Island Iced Teas in Duluth and makin' out with ugly chicks. Hoo-ahh!!!

But in a more traditional sense, it means candy for all the good little boys and girls and verbal insults for the nerds and runts, until my vocal chords can't handle it anymore. I kid, I kid. I love the little munchins just as much as anyone else. Maybe a little bit more *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* Moving on...

Have you ever wonder what the candy you give out to the trick or treaters says about you as a person? Have you ever stood in front of rows upon rows of delicious candy, trying to decide what kind of statement you want to make to the little marvels that ring your bell? Well, look no further, because Doctor Nelson is about to give you the low down on the goods...

• Snickers - Ahh, the grand-daddy of them all. This is the Rolls Royce of Halloween candy. With a delicious blend of caramel, nougout and peanuts, the little whippersnappers will be bouncing aound like Tom Cruise on crack when they come to your house. FYI...if you give out the full size bars, the kids will love you, but you have too much extra cash. Express mail me half of each of your paychecks for October and get fun size Snickers. America will thank you.
• Milky Way - You couldn't quite spring for the Snickers. This is like the cousin you hang out with at family reunions; sure, he's okay when there are a bunch of freaks and weird-o's around, but he's still a freak when you get out in society. Avoid these, if there are Snickers.
• Baby Ruth - As both Chunk and Sloth know, Baby Ruth's pack a mean punch that will make you do the Truffle Shuffle to get some of the sweet, sweet innards of these delicious bite sized tastes of heaven. This is what Corey Feldman and Corey Haim would eat after getting stoned on the set of License to Drive, so you know they're top notch.
• Candy Cigarettes - You want everyone to be as miserable as you, so start the kids young.
• Three Musketeers - Their logo is three men running around in tights. The only way they could get any gayer is if Richard Simmons came with every bar. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
• Ribbon Candy - Christ Grandma!
• Skittles - You believe in a healthy diet and want the youngsters to get their fill of vitamin C. Unfortunately, these contain no vitamin C and are a poor man's version of Starburst.
• Starburst - Ugh. Gross. Might as well give our Mike 'N Ikes.
• Mike 'N Ikes - Jesus Christ! I'm in hell! I have been taken from earth and deposited in candy hell!!
• An Apple - You're an asshole.

And, there you have it folks. Which group do you fall in??