The Urinal Oaf

I turned the corner into the Lifetime Fitness bathroom, and my worst fear was in the back of my mind, like it is whenever I enter a restroom.

I looked to the left. SNOK!! There was some guy who looked like a tall taco leaning against the wall, makin' noise in the left urinal.

I whipped around to my right, hoping that the right urinal was open. WERT!!! It was occupied by the creepy Asian dude in the green Speed-o.

That's when I realized my worst fear had come true! No, not that Yanni and John Tesh were forming a holy alliance to brain wash the country into choosing Capri-Sun over Kool Aid (though I do worry about that often). No, my greatest fear is that the only urinal available to use is...the middle urinal.

So, that left me with exactly three options:

A) Stand back and wait for Tall Taco of Sir Creeps-A-Lot to finish up and grab their urinal
2) Go into a stall and use the toilet, ninja style
D) Bite the bullet, and become the Oaf who takes the middle urinal, risking both the Taco and Creep-bot leaving and having it appear that I want other dudes to pee around me.

Since all the stalls were full, the ninja option was out of the question. And, since I had just consumed two Super Big Gulps (don't ask), I couldn't wait, because who knows how long the Taco would be peeing for. So, I bit the bullet and went with D.

Right as I sidled up to the urinal, I saw movement out of my left eye. YIK!! The Taco was shakin' it out! He was done!

The Taco backed away from the urinal, and it was just me and Creepzilla. But, I figure it takes him about 20 minutes to walk four feet, how fast can he...he's done too?? MILK!! He's backing away in his creepy walk and I'm still dispensing Super Big Gulp numero uno.

Now, I am living my worst fear. I'm all alone at the middle urinal and no one is on either side of me. I can jsut feel all eyes in the locker room on me. In my head, people are tapping eachother on the shoulder and pointing at me while saying, "Hey, look at that Oaf at the middle urinal. What a douche!"

Come urine!! Expel yourself from my body! Faster! Faster!

Finally, I was finsihed. No one had come to use either of the other two urinals, so maybe no one noticed. Hopefully. I backed away and headed to my locker.

As I passed a couple guys sitting on the bench, I heard one of them whisper, "Hey, there's that Oaf that was using the middle urinal! He made me have to use the stall, ninja style. What a douche!"

SPLORT! I suck.