Parakeeting...

So, Kallie (one of our cats) is super annoying almost all the time. She walks around, making weird cat noises and generally making me want to destroy her.

But I have found a way to solve this problem. When she's being super annoying, I just parakeet her, which means I take a blanket and drop it on top of her so she thinks it's night. Next thing you know, she shuts up and rests.

I know this shouldn't work since cats are "supposed" to sleep about 20 hours a day and it might just be a coincidence. However, since I believe it works...it does.

They got me...

So, about a year ago, Alison and I started using the Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower cleaner to clean the shower. It's a decent product for someone too lazy to use a squirt bottle and spray the shower down.

Well, now I'm hooked on it. And, the big issue is, it's very temperamental. It works about half the time. Sometimes. I've tried changing batteries, letting it dry out, reading it soothing poetry; nothing works.

Now, I probably have to buy a new one. I realize it's only 15 dollars, but it's still 15 dollars. So, which is going to win out? My cheapness or my laziness?

Mmhh?

Answer...BOTH! I'm just going to wait for a coupon and then buy it. The best of both worlds! I am so smrt...S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Idiots...

So, every time I go to Green Mill, I bring the following coupon that I print off the web:

Notice on there it says : No Photocopies please


Wow. Wow.

You've done me wrong TiVo...

So, I'm looking at TiVo and it has this ad that is for "Fun Thanksgiving Activities". I decide to click on it and see if there's anything that would be fun for Alison's class. And I get this:

I know of NO kid, not one, not ever, who would think a "Fun Thanksgiving Activity" is getting a $1 coupon and buying Bounty.

Not one...not ever...

The Ham spot...

Now, I went to order The Ham (yes, ham is capitalized in the first place, because it's a proper noun, but it's not in the explanation...don't front) from the ham spot (get your mind out of the gutter Petredis (you may or may not notice that dedicated followers of the blog can identify themselves as followers now to the right and are much more likely to be mentioned in said blog)) and they had this message:

I'm sorry, C&G Ham and deli is no longer in business. Thank you for your years of service.

Dang it! I order a ham once a year...maybe. And this is the place I go. It's the Ham Spot. Now I have to go find a new freakin' place to order my ham from. And I'm going to go in blind. I have no idea what kind of ham I will be getting and it could not be moist enough (shut up Sikes), which would ruin the holiday.

Man...I just can't imagine a place going out of business that sells stuff three days a year. I'm shocked.

Whelp...off to the magnet store...

Faty?

So, Sikes sends me an e-mail about the AdSense ad I had. I clicked on it to see what he was talking about.

Now, a couple of things strike me as odd with this ad (that they're driving people towards). They both involve the same item, since I couldn't get past there. This is the item (or the "before" picture):

1) I went to save the picture and the name of the picture that they had it saved as is "Faty". That's awesome. I mean, it would have been cooler had they spelled Fatty correctly, but it's nice that they label the picture with what they believe it represents: a large chick who can't spell or Al Gore.

2) Don't act like you don't save your old shoe laces to tie your jeans together when they don't quite fit anymore. You're not fooling anyone liar...

Only $10.99??

So, apparently I'm an idiot. Or idiota, as they say in Spanish. Or maybe that's Spanish for a female idiot. Whatever. I'm easily tricked.

We were out driving and we went by a Space Aliens restaurant (and, amazingly, were not pulled in by their tractor beams) and I noticed their billboard out front.

"All you can eat rib dinner, ONLY $10.99, every Wednesday"

Which got me to thinking, couldn't you just put "only" in front of any price and it makes it seem cheap? I have no idea how much an all you can eat rib dinner should cost, but it seems to me that "only $10.99" is a steal.

However, they could have said "only $17.99" and I would have thought that was a good deal.

Why don't people do this for everything?

BRAND NEW FORD RANGER, ONLY $48,000!!!!!
BATTERIES, ONLY $12.00 FOR 3!!!!!
FOAM MESH TRUCKER HATS, ONLY $370.00!!!!!!!!

I figured adding the exclamation points was quite dashing. And makes it seem like even a better deal than having the only. Man, I'm like a marketing genius...or geniusa, as they'd say in Spanish...

She doesn't even know me...

So, I'm checking my e-mail and this ad pops up...

Hey, creepster, your fly-by-night credit card is of no interest to me. I would rather use a Discover card than your credit card. I would rather eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken than ever, ever apply for your credit card...

No pictures...

If you've come to my blog expecting a daily picture that I make fun of, well, today, you've come to the wrong place. I have no picture. Alas, I have no gripe either. Pretty much, I'm like the Bengals; I got nothin'.

So, in my quest to sell all my old CD's (which is going quite well), I had my first one returned the other day. Which isn't that strange; idiots can give wrong addresses, etc.

However, this one was stamped "Contraband". Which is strange, since it was just a CD. However, one of the options besides contraband was "paroled".

So...apparently...I was sending the CD to a prison and the CD is something that's not allowed (though I was unaware that they had a CD playing device there), possibly because I would have put a sharpened toothbrush or shiv into the package (I know...I know...why would I sharpen a toothbrush? That's what they have to resort to in prison. But I'm on the "outside" so I could have just sent a knife. But that's neither here nor there...that's not how my mind works).

So, now I have to figure out what to do with this "The Firm" (with Nas Escobar and Foxy Brown) CD since Prisoner 405538 can't accept it. Nice that he had a valid credit card to pay for it though.
Oh, I lied about the picture. I'm such a scamp!

Again...gross...

That, right there, is an insult to people who are hairy. The ad needs to read more like this...

Josh Childress has GROSS teeth!

Maybe you can use some of that $20,000,000 for some experimental gum-reducing surgery? Hmmm? Hmmm?

KMart layaway?

Man, I know where I'm shopping this holiday season!

Maybe UPS?

I'm a frakkin' VIP!!!

So, I go out to the newly installed security mailboxes (thank you, thank you) and I see the following envelope sitting on type (address blocked out to ease my fears of paparazzo related stalking):


Can you believe it? Macy's wants only ME (or any hobo who finds this envelope in the garbage) to come to their PRIVATE (i.e. open to anyone) SALE!!!

I am faaaaahhhh-loating!!!

So...this looks gross...

Apparently Chuck E. Cheese is trying to make itself a lunchtime destination (you know...corral the whole office up and get them to Chuck E. Cheese!), but then they go and show a sandwich that looks like this!

Everyone knows food looks better in ads than it does when you actually get it so can you imagine what that sandwich would look like? I mean, it looks like some "chicken" sticks (I know there's no such thing, but those look a breeding between "chicken" and carrot sticks), cheesish substance (which is probably delicious), a sourdough looking bun and leftover fixins from yesterdays salad bar. You mean it's only $5.99 for that crap? Where do I sign up?

I don't even think Randi would eat that!

I didn't know...

that a dog could look embarrassed. I guess I was wrong...

Man. That sucks.

Apparently...

I'm about the most uncreative person in the world.

Our neighbors did a pumpkin similar to this one:


And I thought it was original and something people hadn't done before. Then, I go looking on the internet and apparently millions of people have thought of that before. I'd bet that gag has been around longer than I have.

How have I never seen it before? Seriously! It's almost like I'm living under a log.

On an unrelated note, I hear Mickey Rourke has a new movie coming out. Can't wait to see that! He was so good in Diner...

So....

that f'in voodoo curse didn't work at all damn it. I hope Brazdolph had her way with that guy. I really do.

Man, I suck at fantasy football anymore...