It's fake...

but it's still faaaan-tastic!

We got our tree up over the weekend and the $12.99 tree has yet to disintegrate. However, there still is time. I feel like it's an Old Navy shirt, the second I bought it, it's on a countdown until it falls apart and that countdown clock is shorter than Kelly Osbourne's face...

Merry Thanksgiving....

Merry Thanksgiving all...and much thanks to the football gods for helping my fantasy team continue their amazing push for the playoffs (or not...)

Everybody gets a trophy day?

So, glancing at my SPAM to make sure nothing important crept through, I found out that I was up for a Certificate of Achievement from the USA Honor Society!

That's right...a certificate, with no cost to me, that catalogs my achievements, whether that achievement involves Nurses, Cooks, Doctors, Lawyers, Crafters, Photographers, Work-from-home...all of them (as long as you're approved) can get this certificate and an online profile!

This is the worst thing I've ever seen! I mean...come on. Who, pray tell, is going to fill this out to get this? I mean sure, the USA Honor Society is a pretty big deal, and I watched their award show last year on FX2, but I don't think I need a certificate of achievement, especially if Jaime Kennedy is getting on for "acting" which is what happened last year...

Weird dream...

Anyone else dream they were hanging out with the Guerilla Maab last night and that they had beef with DMX and DMX and his homies came into a room with AK-47's and started shooting up the place and 3 of the Guerilla Maab crew died, though neither Z-Ro nor I were hit.

Anyone?

Yeah...um...me neither. That would be strange.

Man...that was a sweet hour and 31 minutes...

So, I checked Alison's e-mail and saw the following two e-mails from Red Robin:

At 2:18, the Gingerbread shakes were $1.99. Then, just an hour and a half later, they were $2.99! The price increased 50% in that time!

If that trend continues...AAYYY!

TBS...

So, I was watching TBS and there was a commercial on for Lopez Tonight (I know...I know...how in the world did George Lopez get his own show? Gross) and they said:

Join us tonight when Ted Danson drops by...

Few things:

1) Ted Danson? Really? Is this 1987? Are they going to talk about Cheers or how awful it was seeing Whoopi Goldberg naked. Gross.
2) Do you think there isn't anywhere else that Ted Danson wouldn't rather be? I mean...would he rather be appearing on Lopez Tonight or...getting a colonoscipy? That's a toss-up.
3) GEORGE LOPEZ HAS HIS OWN TALK SHOW!!!

This Vehicle Does NOT Turn Right on Red!

So, I'm rolling up to a stoplight and I see a vehicle in front of me with the following bumper sticker:
Really? I mean, are you allowed to just put a bumper sticker on your car, saying you don't do perfectly legal things that you SHOULD be doing?

Could I put a bumper sticker on my car that says I don't do something that would definitely annoy people if they found out I did that and it affected their driving?
Does that make it okay?

Tuesday Nights...

It really upsets Alison that NCIS is the #1 show on TV. I don't think it should be #1 (I mean, come on, it's not better than Numb3rs), but I just realized why it's #1...

There is nothing worth watching on Tuesday nights! I just went to check my TiVo to make sure all my shows will record tonight and all it was recording was NCIS at 7 and NCIS:Los Angeles (which I'm 5 episodes behind on and is very much in danger of being unfriended from my Season Pass Manager) at 8. Why in the world am I recording up to 4 shows at one time on some nights and then Tuesday, I'm recording 2 shows total.

What else is on, you ask:

7:00 ABC - V - Great. Like I want to watch a show about a bunch of hippie vampires waiting for the end of the world (I actually have no idea what this is about, but the limited commercials I saw looked lame, at best)

7:00 FOX - So You Think You Can Dance - Great. Like I want to watch this American Idol rip-off with a bunch of losers prancing around like Garth Brooks on acid. No thanks.

7:30 NBC - The Biggest Loser - Great. Like I want to watch a bunch of overweight slugs decide they can only lose weight with a couple of obnoxious trainers yelling at them while they're on TV. Sure.

8:00 - ABC - Dancing with the Stars - Great. Like I want to watch a bunch of washed up, never-gonna-be's try to master the triple lux while a bunch of overweight slugs cheer them on from the audience. And stars? Stars? Maybe someone needs to punch me in the face so I can see some during this monstrosity.

Seriously...why are these shows on? I mean, I'll watch my fair share of crud (Jersey Shore - coming December 3...mark it!) but I have to draw a line somewhere. And I'm pretty sure that line involves Aaron Carter doing to cha-cha while some flamboyant guy raves about his pirouettes.

But I guess that's just me.

Back to my point...pretty sure any non-terrible show could be #1 on Tuesday at 7:00...you have a captive audience.

Jersey Shore...

If you think I'm not watching Jersey Shore on MTV, you don't know me...

Jersey Shore - MTV Shows

Mr. Belvedere...

So, my sim football team just got a new player...


You know this fool is going to clean up!

Make my day?

So, I was walking out of The Gym yesterday when I had the following conversation with the front desk guy:

FDG: Hey, hold on a second.
Me: Yeah.
FDG: I got something that's going to make your day.
Me: Sweet.
FDG: hands me a coupon for EDGE shave gel
FDG: Free shave gel! You can take that to Walgreens, or anywhere and all you need is 24 cents for the tax.
Me: stupefied
Me: Oh, okay. Thanks?
FDG: Here, take a couple. Free shave gel!

Now, I must just emit a cheap vibe or something. And this is all well and dandy (and I do love Walgreen's) but really...make my day? Is that going to make anyone's day? And how sad does your life have to be that that is the highlight of the day? Granted...it was the highlight of my day, but I think I'm a special case...

False Advertising!

So, I'm scouring ESPN.com, trying to see what bowl people think the Huskers will end up in (lot of season left...lot of season left) when I see the following ad from Toyota:
That is blatant false advertising right there. There is NO proof that Jesus EVER drove a Toyota. None. And I find it hard to swallow that Toyota is using His likeness to sell their crappy line of hippie-mobiles...

For shame!

Is this weird?

Well, if you're a regular reader, and I have to assume you are, mom, then you know that last year I got a sweet deal on a Christmas tree from Target.

However, since I got it after Christmas, I have not yet had the occasion to open it so I really have no idea what it looks like. And I'm really, really curious (I refuse to waste my curiosity on important things) what it looks like.

So, yesterday I asked Alison if she wanted to put the Christmas tree up. Her response, which is probably the correct one, was "It's not even Thanksgiving yet dork."

But man, I'm excited to see that thing up (I refuse to waste my excitement on important things)!!

The cheat has been exposed!

From today's issue of The Daily Grind:

Wayzata Nissan

So, I wanted to set up an appointment to get the oil changed and the tires rotated on the Murano (I know...I know...going to the dealership...whatever, Tires Plus es terrible' and it's about the same price) so I went to the website to find the phone number and I got this:

Then I got to thinking...which number should I call? I mean, I want to get the oil changed, so I suppose that's service. But they accidentally listed the same number 3 times. I can only imagine that's some kind of mistake...

Jessica Simpson and Daisy's Coyote...

Here's a picture of us at Halloween. Obviously we are Jessica Simpson and the coyote that ate Daisy (it's not too soon). The costume was Alison's idea and I was jealous at how great of an idea she had. Obviously, Alison had to pack herself with some extra shirts to get the girth that Jessica had in those photos...

Anyway, though the costume was awesome, the people at the party we went to didn't really get it. Very disappointing...here are some of the guesses we got:

- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Teen Wolf
- Twilight
- Jessica Simpson and her dog
- Michael J. Fox

Come on people!

Intensive purposes?

So, I'm reading this article on CNN.com about credit cards, etc, when I come across the following point:

Really? "Intensive purposes"? That got by the editor there? Man...that's going to make me go on "Sad Patrol"...

You get the extra hots?

So, I went to Milio's sub shop over the weekend to get us our dinner. Apparently, instead of calling them "hot peppers", they call them "hots" there.

How do I know this, you ask?

Well, in the 4 minutes it took them to build my sandwich, the other guy asked about "extra hots" at least 15 times. I'm not kidding.

He built the sandwich while talking to the guy who ordered it, asking him how many extra hots he wanted. Then, ended up finishing the sandwich and saying, "1 Godfather with extra hots up". And the customer didn't hear him, so he kept repeating it while looking at the guy.

And he kept repeating it.

And then I blacked out after I gouged my face out with the fountain pop machine...

I think they used some hots as smelling salts to wake me up...

There's something wrong with me...

I was running upstairs yesterday and, as I was running, I all of the sudden started singing "Too Legit to Quit" AND doing the hand motions. Where in the heck did that come from?

Next thing you know, I'll be rapping out a little "Everybody Dance Now"...

Which answer is correct?

So, I'm at Target and I bought three of those boxes of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizers. While I was checking out, the cashier says this:

"Awww...do you have cats?"

Which is the correct response to that?

A) Umm...yes. That's what they're for.
2) No, but I find that cat litter deodorizer works just as well on my human litter box.
D) Why would you ask me that? I'm just hungry.

The correct answer, if you're me, is 2...