Christmas Music...

So, during the holidays, Alison likes to listen to Christmas music on the radio. Which is fine. Whatever. We all have our drawbacks.

So, we were driving to the airport on the 26th and she was listening to Christmas music and I said:

"Man, every year, they start playing this stuff earlier and earlier..."

because they're already playing it for next yer. And then she punched me and I kept any further clever observations to my own person...

The Jerky Contest!

My dad reminded me this week that I was in a beef jerky contest a couple of years ago, so I decided to see if the link to it still works...and it does!

So...here you, though voting is done with...

Hey Jerky, What's Your Beef?

Classy guy I am...classy guy. I wish my nerds would have won it for me...instead, we got demolished:

Results

Air Freshners?

I was driving behind a VW bug yesterday (I know...gross...who even has those?) and it had, not one, not two, but three (THREE!) of those pine tree air fresheners swinging about in the car. 3!

How can you possibly smell that bad that you need that many? I mean, you get in the car with one of those and you'll probably say, "Yikes...didn't realize we were going to Yosemite". They're strong...He-Man strong.

Yet this guy (yes...it was a guy driving the bug) had such terribly strong BO that he needed three! How many decomposing bodies were in his back seat?

I think if someone gets pulled over and they have more than one of those things in the car, it should be grounds to search the car for body parts, because they're definitely hiding something...

7 times...

Yep...that's how many times I've watched Harry and the Hendersons since I won it at a Christmas party on Saturday. Man...I came out of there like aces in a fire!

6 year old kills Santa??

Now THAT is the kind of article I want to read about!

Unfortunately, I read it wrong and it was actually:

Which, lets face it, is not really news...

Ugh...thanks Chanticlear

Last night, we ordered pizza for pick up from Chanticlear Pizza and when I went there, I was told that the delivery guy grabbed it and took it for a drive, but realized he grabbed the wrong one when he got to the deliver house. So, the pizza we ordered at 5 pm and was done at 5:15, was given to us at 5:55. Mmmm...nothing like luke-warmish pizza...gross.

The e-mail vault:

Today, I went back to the beginning of my e-mail account to pull an e-mail exchange and see if it was funny. It wasn't....but here it is:

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004 8:54:18 AM
Subject: Mario Kart

Any chance you still have my copy of super mario kart from
school and want to mail it back to me?

From: Will
To: Brent
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004 9:38:28 AM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

yes, i'll be shipping that and all your transformers back to you next
week...idiot

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004 12:21:18 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

maybe you can ship back that Ozzie Timmons rookie card too…

From: Will
To: Brent
Date: Fri, August 20, 2004 3:05:47 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

i'd have to go back to the future to snatch that ozzie timmons
"future stars" topps traded rookie card....man that i hate

From: Brent
To: Will
Date: Fri, August 27, 2004 6:25:30 PM
Subject: Re: Mario Kart

did I leave a penny in your room a couple of years ago? Any way
you could send it back to me?

Dear Vault Zero,

You, sir, are no Diet Mountain Dew. Not at all.

Nor are you even a Mello Yello, or a Surge.

You are not even a Diet Mountain Fury nor a Diet Mountain Lightning nor a Diet Mountain Mist.

You are repugnant. I can't stand you. Why oh why do I keep giving you a chance and everytime you scorn me?

Well...

at least it got above zero yesterday.

No...wait...it didn't. I forget how cold it is in the winter until it's actually here. And when it's actually here, I want it to leave. Kind of like if you have a party and invite Ted Danson. At first you think, "Man, that's going to be fun. Ted Danson is coming to my party!"

Then, 3 am rolls around, everyone is gone, except for Ted Danson. And you just can't get him to leave. And all he keeps doing is talking about Whoopi being "The one that got away." until you just want to clobber yourself in the face with a printer...

Shorts Maly on Modern Family

So, I'm watching Modern Family on ABC (and let's face it, who isn't?) and one of the characters reminds me of one of my friends from college. His facial expressions. His overall general appearance. The inflection of his voice.

So, without further ado, I present Shorts Maly, as played by Phil Dunphy, as played by Ty Burrell:

Sometimes...

people just need to put 1,000 pounds onto a four-wheeler at 2 in the morning and try to drive it across a "frozen" pond...I'm just sayin'...

You know what gets my goat? Besides Ted Danson...

When stores/etc ask you for a donation when you're checking out. I mean, if I want to contribute to a charity, I contribute to a charity.

I don't need to send a bag of coffee beans to the soldiers.

I don't even know if the soldiers want coffee.

And if they do want coffee, who's to say they want Caribou coffee?

And if they do want Caribou coffee, who's to say you sent the right kind?

So, basically, by trying to shame me into giving you money to send beans to the soldiers, you could be giving them something they don't really want (like a tent) or something that's the wrong kind (like baseball cards instead of football cards) and all it's really going to do is make them mad and your "nice gesture" has turned into an insult.

Because you're basically sending them garbage that they're just going to throw away, all because you had to try to make me feel like a d-bag for not donating to your "beans for soldiers" campaign.

I might as well take that dollar bill, spit on it, and lend it to Ted Danson for all the good it's going to really do in the world.

Now, you might have realized that I went to Caribou Coffee yesterday and they're running this "Beans for Soldiers" campaign.

If you haven't heard about it, they send...

Is Avatar going to be like Ishtar?

Short answer...yes.

300 million dollars for Avatar? And it looks like a bunch of blue weird looking blobs? Why would I go to see this? At least Ishtar had Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty in it.

The preview for Avatar is terrible, at best. I'm not saying it's going to be the worst movie ever (you can keep that title Tropic Thunder), but it looks like a cheap version of those old Star Trek movies. Which might being in Trekkies, but I just can't see this movie making back it's money.

Then again, I really liked Fled, so I'm not the expert here...

Another bumper sticker...

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I don't get bumper stickers. I don't get them at all. Why do you put them on your car? Seriously.

I saw this one today and was a little stunned. I mean really, what do you do here? Is this for real?

Do you give them the thumbs down, meaning, "I don't condone murder". Or do you just frown at them when you roll by, in sympathy? What are they looking for you to do?

I honked at them, because that frickin' loser didn't know what a green light meant...

Purity Made Simple Directions

So, Alison has this facial cleanser called "Purity made simple" and I was reading the directions for it (I do not lie...these are word for word the directions).

directions: at the end of each day or at the beginning of each morning, take a small amount of purity made simple, a little water and massage onto skin for 30-60 seconds. rinse. take a leisurely pace when washing yourself clean. cleanliness is a new beginning. when you feel clean you can begin being who you really are.

A simple "wash your face with this stuff" wouldn't suffice? It's like getting directions to a hotel from from Ted Danson...

Jersey Bore?

Man, I think I might have totally Waterboyed the show Jersey Shore.

We watched the 2 hour premiere over the weekend and it was okay. I mean, sure, there was some fist pumping and a fight (and they showed a preview where snickers gets punched in the face at a club) but overall, it was pretty slow.

I hope it improves. I mean...I'm not going to stop watching. It's not like it's the Real World Brooklyn or something terrible like that. But...I set my sights too high...

Deal of the Century!

Alright, now you all know I'm a sucker for a deal (example A and example B and Example C) but I think (think) I've found something like the Punch Drunk Love deal, but not. I mean...nothing is that good of a deal.

Anyway, at Rainbow this week, if you guy 6 boxes of General Mills cereal, you get $10 off the purchase. And it just so happens that Reese's Puffs is my cereal of choice at the moment.

Some quick math:

6 boxes of Reese's Puffs: $24.54
After $10 discount: $14.54
Less $1.00 coupon for buying at least 3 boxes (different coupon): $13.54

Then, on each of the boxes, there is a deal where if you guy two boxes, you get 1 free movie ticket (up to a $12 value).

So, with 6 boxes, that's 3 movie tickets (and movie tickets are as good as cash in this house)

Which means $13.54 less $36.00 which gives me a grand total of: -$22.46

So, basically, they just paid me $22.46 to take 6 boxes of Reese's Puffs off their hands.

Pretty sure I might make one more run at this if I can find space for all these boxes of cereal!

Why?

I think I might be the laziest person in the world. Alison wants lights on our deck and I don't want to do it. I did it the first year we were in our house. It was terrible. Then, two years ago, I just threw them on the deck in a big ball, which wasn't too hard, but Alison didn't appreciate it as much as I did. Last year, I didn't do anything and it was the best, but Alison's happiness was exactly opposite of my glee.

So, this year she wants the lights out there again and I really, really, really don't want to. So...you know what that means...

We'll have the lights out there sometime this week...

Fishsticks and Tator Tots and Strawberry Quick!

Well, I'd prefer some chocolate rain, but who's going to mess with that combo??

Charlie Weiss is a Lesbian Rodney Dangerfield?

So, I was reading about Charlie Weiss being fired from Notre Dame and they had the following picture in the article:



I couldn't look away. It was like a train-wreck. It looks like Rodney Dangerfield had an affair with a lesbian golf pro. Seriously...that body is disturbing at best...