Chutes and Ladders...

I know you all remember it. I know you all loved it. And, yesterday, I got to play it.

And I got last...there's nothing quite like the feeling you get when you see the joy in the face of the kid who just watched you go down the long chute, virtually ensuring his victory.

Almost wants to make you throw the board across the room!

Not really...it was a well fought battle and I will go back to the drawing board and figure out how to win next time!

Another uninspired post...

I've been playing James in WordTwist a lot. And he's been beating me often...or almost all the time.

1. I lose 75% of the time

2. I suck

3. TV don't expand my...word...power

American Idol

So, Alison makes me watch American Idol every week (I mean...the TV is on, what am I going to do? Not watch it? Please) and I grow bored and boreder (not sure if that's a word, but I'm on fire) with the songs they choose to use.

So, I've found the perfect song. You guys remember this. Come on Scott MacIntyre, you can only ride the blind angle for so long. Give America what they want and move to the next round!

Coming to Your City

So, we're in the car and Alison is listening to country music and I'm day-dreaming about not listening to country music, when the following song came on; Big & Rich "Coming to Your City". Here's a little sampling of the lyrics for you:

Well we’re coming to your city
Gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We’ll all be flying higher than a jet airliner
And if you want a little bang in your yin yang come along

Well we blew threw Cincinnati
And we all got really happy
Grabbed a bowl of that skyline chili along the way
Then we rolled on into Canton
Scared the hell out of Marilyn Manson
And the party started happening hey hey hey
And in the middle of a Charleston night
We ran into Jesco White
And a little moonshine got us bright plum smacked insane

Wow...inspiring. Seems like some singers must have been watching old episodes of Weird Science on Hulu...

Weird ads...

So, I'm on Facebook, playing Word Twist (weird) when I see the ads to the right here.

So, what's his deal? Obviously, it's the same guy, holding up a large amount of stolen Iraqi money. We can all agree on that.

And, according to the first ad, he's making up to $563 a day. A day!

Then, just seconds later, he can only make $150-$300 a day? What happened? Did the SEC investigate him between these ads? Did his extra shift at McDonald's get cut? Something had to have happened to make it so he's making almost half of what he made seconds ago.

Then, I got to thinking, could it get worse for this guy? I mean, before you know it, he's going to be making $5 a week.

Or so I thought. Because then, this ad popped up:

So, that's how it happens!

Post Office idiot...

So, I'm at the post office, waiting in line to mail some more of my CD's (only 200 left! Get in on the action now) when I overheard one of the dumbest conversations I've ever heard:

Post Office Lady: Yeah, this is an incomplete address.
Idiot: Really?
Post Office Lady: Yeah. I need more information to be able to send it.
Idiot: Okay. Let me make a call.
(gets out her phone)
Idiot: Yeah, I forgot part of the address on the package.
(unintelligible otherside of the conversation)
Idiot: That's right. I need to know the street, city, and zip code.
(unintelligible otherside of the conversation)
Idiot: That's right. The street, city, AND zip code.
(unintelligible otherside of the conversation)
Idiot: Well, how was I supposed to know?

And then I passed out. Basically, this moron was trying to mail the following package and was surprised when it didn't work. I'm surprised they could read her crayon (yellow never shows up well enough...learn idiot)

Kind of like the time Petredis sent my fantasy baseball money to:

Brent Nelson

Maple Grove, Minnesota

Real Housewives of New York City...

I know most of you are not watching this, but Alex McCord has become my most hated person on TV (and right near AJ Pridjhksnanlkdfj;alkdsj;askljdf;lsdkjfasdl;kjasd;lkjdfki territory for most hated person in the world).

Besides the fact that she's very annoying and thinks she's sweet, she looks like Skeletor's homelier sister...

GPS

So, for Alison's birthday (not to be confused with Birthentine's Day or Valentine's Day), I got her a GPS for her car. I'd done some limited research and I found one that looked good.

So, she opens it and we turn it on. And it keeps saying we're in Kansas. I keep trying to switch the location to no avail. I look through the instructions, to see what I'm missing...and I can't find anything. I go on-line and there are a ton of people that have the same issue and there are a lot of solutions, but they all seemed complicated. Finally, I stumbled across this gem:

Phew, I figured it out! I didn't have satellite reception at my house, even outdoors. So until the device found a satellite it thought I was in Kansas. I drove about a mile from my house and then it worked. Thanks!

Duh! Of course it needs the satellite to figure out where it is and it doesn't go through a house well. But, I really think Garmin needs to have this on the front page of the instructions:

IDIOT! TAKE IT OUTSIDE AND LET THE SATELLITE WORK! STUPID.

Birthentine's Day...

So, last week was the holiday to end all holidays that I invented.

See, February brings with it lots of gift-giving holidays for me, what with Valentine's Day on the 14th and Alison's birthday on the 10th.

So, when we were first dating, I had the great idea that we could combine the two into one super holiday and call it Birthentine's Day and celebrate it on the 12th.

Of course, she thought that was a great idea, because in her mind, it was an additional holiday, not a combination of the two.

And that's why in February I now have to get birthday, birthentine's and valentine's day presents. It's also the reason I keep my mouth shut most of the time...don't want any more "great" ideas slipping out...

EMERGENCY coffee house auction...

So, Vance sends me this website that does auctions in MN. I click on it and this is the first thing I see:

How in the world can you have an EMERGENCY coffee house auction? Like they didn't see it coming? Were the coffee house auction alarms sounded? This demands answers!

And I'm not resting until Pawlenty puts this issue to rest...

More like Stupid Bullet...

So, I was making Alison's lunch yesterday and she has one of those shakes from USANA in it. So, I blended it up in the Magic Bullet, put the lid on it, put it in the lunch box and went back downstairs.

An hour or so later I get an e-mail that the "lid" I used actually had holes in it and it spilled all over the lunchbox.

So, I went to the Magic Bullet website and found this picture of what I used as the lid:

As you can see from the zoom in there, half of the "lid" has holes in it. Now, I know what you're thinking, "What the frack would you use that for Brent?" Well, I did you one step better and worked on finding out what in the world this half-holed-lid-like-device is used for:

Listen up "product". In no way no I want to grate spices into my stupid shake. If I wanted spices in there...I would have fricken blended them in with everything else I was blending. Why oh why do you have these in there? Can't you at least make them a different color? Like red, so you know: "STOP! Do not use...ever...these are worthless." Or something like that.

I'm sending you a dry cleaning bill for that lunch box. That's right Magic Bullet...you've been served! You damn well better not dance back...or it's on!

News to me...

So, the loverly postal woman brings us some delicious coupons for McDonald's the other day, as you can see here:

So, I start looking at it, trying to figure out what kinds of deals I can score when I infrequently frequent McDonald's, when the following caught my eye on the "Buy One, Get One Free Large Sandwich:

That's right, one of the free possibilities is a 10 piece chicken nuggets...didn't it used to be a 9 piece? Am I going crazy? And what happened to the 20 piece? They don't even list that on their website anymore.

I'm a bit annoyed that I've been out of the nugget game so long that I haven't kept up with everything nugget related. Whatever, I still think I can eat 60 nuggets in one sitting...

Don't try to better me...

I've had it Facebook. Don't try to make me a more well-rounded person. All I want from you is Word Twist...

Flex Spending

So, I was looking on the website, trying to verify if something was eligible for out Flex Spend account. I looked at the list:



And realized, damn it, they're not going to pay for my mustache implant, since appearance improvements are not a qualifying expense. There goes my dream of being a 1970's porn star.

Luckily, it appears that my back-up plan to 70's porn star (pirate) is still available, since I can use my flex dollars on my new hook hand...of even shoe horn hands if the mood strikes me...

He's Just Not That Into You

So, Adriann, Jonathan, Alison and I went to see this on Saturday. It was pretty good, which doesn't make me any less of a man. Not the point of the story.

So, it's a pretty empty theatre. And we're sitting three rows from the back and some of us (me included) have our feet up on the seats in front of us.

Then, right as the preview is ending, a group of five people come into the theatre. Where do they decide to sit? Yep...it the row RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I had to put my foot down so someone could sit in the seat right in front of me in a basically empty theatre.

It made me feel like I was in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle:

Oh...I guess I forgot to mention...this group of 5 people...WERE ALL DUDES! What dude is going to round up his buddies on a Saturday night and go see a romantic comedy? And even if one of them had the idea, how did he find 4 morons to agree with him? I'd rather be shanked with a sharpened pencil than have that happen to me.

Then, to make matters worse, at the end, there is a typical romantic comedy moment and the high school chicks in the back are saying "awwwwww". Then, one of the dudes starts mocking them, making his own sarcastic "awww".

Dude...YOU WENT TO A ROMANTIC COMEDY! What did you expect? Jean Claude Van-Damme to come and judo chop Jennifer Aniston in her huge ear lobes? Come on dude. Why don't you round up your buddies and go out on a shoe shopping adventure and then you can grab some fro-yo and talk about how guys never call you. I mean chicks. Chick never call you. Yeah...that's the ticket. Chicks.

People. Bleh.

Free Denny's breakfast?

During the Super Bowl, there was an ad for a Free Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's on the Tuesday following the Super Bowl.

I read about it and it turns out people were waiting up to 2 hours to eat for free at Denny's. Besides the fact that they could have worked those two hours and afforded a decent breakfast, what really made me sad was thinking of the servers.

First of all, you're a server at Denny's, so you know your life didn't quite take the positive turns you were hoping. Then, you have to wait on the people that would frequent Denny's. Now, they're giving away the meal, so everyone is going to have a bill that's $0.00. Which, 7% of that (which is what I assume the normal Denny's tip is) is still...um...$0.00.

And, you have to assume that it's going to be crowded and the kitchen will be backed up so people will be cranky waiting for their free meal, and probably take it out on you.

Of all the days and places to wait tables, that is the worst I could think of, followed closely by waiting on Al Roker at Red Lobster during "All You Can Eat Shrimp" (MORE SHRIMP!!!)

Interview

Yesterday, I got interviewed by Bob over at GD Reports, where they do interviews of different coaches at WhatIfSports. Here's a link to the interview...check it out.

And yes, I realize I'm not funny. And anytime I tried to be funny, it was unsuccessful. It was kind of like Chet trying to say he's not gay, when we all (ALL) know the truth...

Just another pretty girl?

Ummm...yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking. How did she know?? She's like John Edward...they both have "psychic powers"...

Odd Purchase...

So, as I'm clearing out my CD's on Half.com, I come across some weird purchases every once in awhile. But this grouping was so odd, I had to share it:

Vanilla Ice: To The Extreme

D12: Devil's Night

Counting Crows: This Desert Life

Foo Fighters: Foo Fighters

Now, I know I have them all, but they were bought at various times. This guy bought them all at the same time. What's he thinking?

Man, I could sure listen to some music right now. What should I listen to. Hmmm...I'm kind of in the mood for some Ice, Ice Baby. Got it. Great. Just pop it...er, wait. Maybe I want to hear a little This is a Call. Yeah, some Foo would be goo..or no. I need to mellow. MELL-OOOOOO. Yeah. Counting Crows should do the trick. Yep, just me, my appletini and a little...wait. You know what. I need to hear Eminem. Right now. Purple Pills. Holler. Damn, I'm glad I bought all those CD's at the same time, because I'm bipolar...

Bulk much?

So, I'm at Costco and the lady next to me has a full cart. I look at the lower shelf of the cart and I see the following:

Which is fine, whatever, we all have to shop sometime.

But in Costco, they sell in bulk. And that box she had contained 144 pads. 144! And she had 3 farkin' boxes!

That's 432 pads. 432! Is she shopping for the year? Has she located a place that uses Ultra Thin Pads as currency? Is she trying to get some sort of Guinness Record for most pads on a person at the same time.

I really wanted to know what the deal was with all of these, so I was about to go up to her and ask "What's the word?" when I remembered, of course, that "The Bird is the word"...