I’ve been stranded on a deserted island. Unfortunately, I will never be rescued and I will have to spend the rest of my days trapped there, hunting mongoose and eating coconuts fresh off the trees.
Luckily, before I was stranded there, I was allowed the luxury of one celebrity to accompany me for my journey. And, through my political connections, I’m allowed to pick anyone and they have to join me, under threat of guillotine. Needless to say, option A is at least 5 times better.
The toughest part of the whole journey, besides deciding what to wear for the rest of eternity, was deciding which celebrity to pick.
Now, an obvious call would be to pick Katie Holmes, or someone hot like that. The downside of that is that she’ll probably get bored of me and end up trying to swim off the island and getting eaten by sharks.
Another option would be to pick someone who can help me with the hunting and gathering. This would be someone like the Crocodile Hunter. I think eventually I would get bored of his accent and he seems a little too clingy for my taste. I think after a couple of days, I would want to go Carrie on him and drench him in pig blood. And that situation wouldn’t be beneficial to either of us.
No, after much deliberation, I have found the perfect celebrity to stay with me for the rest of eternity. This is someone I would get along with and I would probably end up being Screech Powers to his Zack Morris. I, of course, am talking about Mr. Keanu Reeves.
The first conversation would probably go something like this…
Brent: Keanu, man you are the greatest. Point Break kicked ass!
Keanu: I hate you for making me come here.
Brent: I loved you in Bill and Ted:
Keanu: I hope you die.
Brent: Dude, why didn’t you do Speed 2? I loved Speed!
Keanu: They didn’t offer me enough money.
Brent: Oh.
Brent looks around. He toes the sand a little. He looks up at the sky and covers his eyes from the brutal sun.
Brent: Man, it sure is hot here.
I’m sure we’d find out we have other stuff in common over the years. He probably likes to play Domino’s and compliment me, which is everything I want in an island companion. Oh…the fun we will have!
Friday, April 29, 2005
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Ziploc
I'm not going to lie...I don't feel safe without the red and blue makes purple seal. I feel like Sam Neil in "In the Mouth of Madness" without it. If they take it away from me, I'll most likely end up in an insane asylum with a black crayon, drawing sandwich bags all over the walls. This may just be me. Most people probably don't have strong feelings either way on this issue...
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Served by the Belding
The other day I was not fortunate enough to sit down with Dennis Haskins, who many of you probably don’t remember as Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell and Saved by the Bell: The New Class (though if you watched the new class you were probably in the latent stage of syphilis at the time and are most likely no longer amongst the living). Luckily for us, Dennis hadn’t any time to fit us in for an interview between his mid-morning meal and his brunch. If he had had time to talk to me, I’m sure the interview would have gone like this…
Brent Nelson: Dennis! Thanks for taking time out of your schedule to join us today.
Dennis Haskins: Brent, it’s always a pleasure.
BN: So, Dennis, tell us what you’ve been up to since Saved by the Bell was cancelled.
DH: Honestly Brent, that’s a part of my life I really don’t want to discuss. I can’t really get into it, but it involves an inflatable alligator and a bucket of sardines. Enough said.
BN: Yikes! Well, that’s understandable, what with Zack Morris starring on NYPD Blue, A.C. Slater getting his own talk show and marrying the Doritos girl and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen becoming among the hottest women in the world, while you’re hurting to earn a couple bucks in a Camry commercial. Speaking of, let’s talk about this Camry commercial. How did they rope you into that? Did they have compromising pictures of Mrs. Belding?
DH: You may have forgotten. My character was Mr. Belding. My name is Dennis. I really don’t want to touch on that today either Brent. You understand, right? I mean, there are a plethora of subjects I can explore with you. As you may have known, I have been brushing up on 19th century Russian juggling. Would you care to explore that forum?
BN: (under his breath) Wow. You are such a loser.
DH: What’s that Brent?
BN: Nothing. I think I saw an onion. Umm…let’s see. So, it says here you gained 184 pounds since the end of the show. Sounds like someone had a little eating problem! Ha-ha! How did you manage to gain all that weight, Beldo?
DH: My name is Dennis damn it! I’m really not at liberty to talk about the weight. Let’s just say I might have a deal with KFC brewing and I don’t want to jinx it. Double crosses.
BN: OK, so no Saved by the Bell, no Camry and no weight gain. I hear you’re working for Hollywood Is Calling dot com. Is that correct?
DH: Yes.
BN: So, how’s that going for you?
DH: I’ve only had one person use my services. Some kid in Wisconsin.
BN: Dennis, I’m not going to lie, you are about the most boring thing I’ve ever interviewed in my life. All of my readers are now dumber for having read this. Thanks for your time.
DH: Always a pleasure Brent. Stop by anytime. I mean anytime!
Brent Nelson: Dennis! Thanks for taking time out of your schedule to join us today.
Dennis Haskins: Brent, it’s always a pleasure.
BN: So, Dennis, tell us what you’ve been up to since Saved by the Bell was cancelled.
DH: Honestly Brent, that’s a part of my life I really don’t want to discuss. I can’t really get into it, but it involves an inflatable alligator and a bucket of sardines. Enough said.
BN: Yikes! Well, that’s understandable, what with Zack Morris starring on NYPD Blue, A.C. Slater getting his own talk show and marrying the Doritos girl and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen becoming among the hottest women in the world, while you’re hurting to earn a couple bucks in a Camry commercial. Speaking of, let’s talk about this Camry commercial. How did they rope you into that? Did they have compromising pictures of Mrs. Belding?
DH: You may have forgotten. My character was Mr. Belding. My name is Dennis. I really don’t want to touch on that today either Brent. You understand, right? I mean, there are a plethora of subjects I can explore with you. As you may have known, I have been brushing up on 19th century Russian juggling. Would you care to explore that forum?
BN: (under his breath) Wow. You are such a loser.
DH: What’s that Brent?
BN: Nothing. I think I saw an onion. Umm…let’s see. So, it says here you gained 184 pounds since the end of the show. Sounds like someone had a little eating problem! Ha-ha! How did you manage to gain all that weight, Beldo?
DH: My name is Dennis damn it! I’m really not at liberty to talk about the weight. Let’s just say I might have a deal with KFC brewing and I don’t want to jinx it. Double crosses.
BN: OK, so no Saved by the Bell, no Camry and no weight gain. I hear you’re working for Hollywood Is Calling dot com. Is that correct?
DH: Yes.
BN: So, how’s that going for you?
DH: I’ve only had one person use my services. Some kid in Wisconsin.
BN: Dennis, I’m not going to lie, you are about the most boring thing I’ve ever interviewed in my life. All of my readers are now dumber for having read this. Thanks for your time.
DH: Always a pleasure Brent. Stop by anytime. I mean anytime!
Monday, April 25, 2005
Potential Haze
Why is it in any sort of draft, everyone drafts on “potential” and doesn’t take into account what people have done in games? Anyone can gamble on “potential” but when a sure thing is sitting there, how do you pass up on it?
I specifically bring this up in relation to the NFL draft this past weekend. When the Vikings were picking, it was obvious to everyone they were going to take a wide receiver. After jettisoning Randy Moss to the Oakland Raiders for the 7th pick in the draft, everyone and their mother knew they had to replace him. It’s like Dave Nelson trying to make a poker face; everyone sees right through it.
The Vikings only had one question to ask themselves; was Mike Williams going to be available or was someone ahead of them going to snap him up? It turns out he was available and the Vikings fans rejoiced and danced around like Walter Huston. Randy Moss was replaced and the Vikes had concluded the best off-season of any team.
Then it was Nagasaki. Tice dropped the bomb on the fans when he selected Troy Williamson of South Carolina and his speed potential. Kids openly wept and cast furious looks at their parents. Parents stood dumbfounded, waiting for some sort of explanation. But none was forthcoming. I can only assume that Tice was under the “Potential Haze.”
The “Potential Haze is when someone is picked because their numbers look so good. It has nothing to do with performance and how they did on the field in their career. It has to do with what the team envisions them doing in the future. The poster children for the “Potential Haze” are Mike Mamula and Terrell Suggs.
Mike Mamula was a defensive end from Boston College who was predicted to be drafted near the top of the second round or late in the first round based on how he performed in college. Then, he went to the combine and proceeded to blind the crowd with a 35-inch vertical jump, 4.55 40-yard dash and 25 reps with 225 lbs. on the bench press. That moved him up into the number 7 pick in the draft. Three years later, he’s out of the NFL and working with Ickey Woods at a car wash.
Compare that with Terrell Suggs. Fresh off setting the NCAA record for sacks in a season with 24, he was thought to be locked in at one of the top 2 picks. Then came the combine. He ran a 4.84 in the 40-yard dash, 33-inch vertical and 19 reps on the bench press. All of that made him fall to the Ravens at number 11. Not a huge fall, but it was all because he didn’t appear to have the potential, even though he was the career sack leader in the NCAA. How has he done sense? In two years in the NFL, he has 22.5 career sacks and is just coming off a pro-bowl season. So much for potential.
This brings us to the Vikings selection. The Vikings selected Troy Williamson because he ran a 4.38 40-yard dash. The Vikings did not select Mike Williams because Mike Tice needs to be smacked in the head with a tack hammer. Let’s compare their college stats:
Troy Williamson (3 seasons)
91 receptions
1,754 yards
13 TD’s
Mike Williams (2 seasons)
176 receptions
2,579 yards
30 TD’s
You have to remember that Mike Williams sat out this last season. If he had played, he probably would have added another 100 receptions, 15 TD’s, 1,200 yards and would have become the all-time leading receiver in USC history. That right there is production. That is Terrell Suggs style production. Yet, we passed on him for the inferior, smaller Troy Williamson.
As Vikings fans, let’s hope Mike Williams doesn’t become the next Terrell Suggs and Troy Williamson doesn’t become the next Mike Mamula. Unfortunately it’s a very distinct possibility that Mr. Williamson is the next Mamula and Mr. Williams will be sipping Mai Tai’s with Suggs in Hawaii in a couple of years.
I specifically bring this up in relation to the NFL draft this past weekend. When the Vikings were picking, it was obvious to everyone they were going to take a wide receiver. After jettisoning Randy Moss to the Oakland Raiders for the 7th pick in the draft, everyone and their mother knew they had to replace him. It’s like Dave Nelson trying to make a poker face; everyone sees right through it.
The Vikings only had one question to ask themselves; was Mike Williams going to be available or was someone ahead of them going to snap him up? It turns out he was available and the Vikings fans rejoiced and danced around like Walter Huston. Randy Moss was replaced and the Vikes had concluded the best off-season of any team.
Then it was Nagasaki. Tice dropped the bomb on the fans when he selected Troy Williamson of South Carolina and his speed potential. Kids openly wept and cast furious looks at their parents. Parents stood dumbfounded, waiting for some sort of explanation. But none was forthcoming. I can only assume that Tice was under the “Potential Haze.”
The “Potential Haze is when someone is picked because their numbers look so good. It has nothing to do with performance and how they did on the field in their career. It has to do with what the team envisions them doing in the future. The poster children for the “Potential Haze” are Mike Mamula and Terrell Suggs.
Mike Mamula was a defensive end from Boston College who was predicted to be drafted near the top of the second round or late in the first round based on how he performed in college. Then, he went to the combine and proceeded to blind the crowd with a 35-inch vertical jump, 4.55 40-yard dash and 25 reps with 225 lbs. on the bench press. That moved him up into the number 7 pick in the draft. Three years later, he’s out of the NFL and working with Ickey Woods at a car wash.
Compare that with Terrell Suggs. Fresh off setting the NCAA record for sacks in a season with 24, he was thought to be locked in at one of the top 2 picks. Then came the combine. He ran a 4.84 in the 40-yard dash, 33-inch vertical and 19 reps on the bench press. All of that made him fall to the Ravens at number 11. Not a huge fall, but it was all because he didn’t appear to have the potential, even though he was the career sack leader in the NCAA. How has he done sense? In two years in the NFL, he has 22.5 career sacks and is just coming off a pro-bowl season. So much for potential.
This brings us to the Vikings selection. The Vikings selected Troy Williamson because he ran a 4.38 40-yard dash. The Vikings did not select Mike Williams because Mike Tice needs to be smacked in the head with a tack hammer. Let’s compare their college stats:
Troy Williamson (3 seasons)
91 receptions
1,754 yards
13 TD’s
Mike Williams (2 seasons)
176 receptions
2,579 yards
30 TD’s
You have to remember that Mike Williams sat out this last season. If he had played, he probably would have added another 100 receptions, 15 TD’s, 1,200 yards and would have become the all-time leading receiver in USC history. That right there is production. That is Terrell Suggs style production. Yet, we passed on him for the inferior, smaller Troy Williamson.
As Vikings fans, let’s hope Mike Williams doesn’t become the next Terrell Suggs and Troy Williamson doesn’t become the next Mike Mamula. Unfortunately it’s a very distinct possibility that Mr. Williamson is the next Mamula and Mr. Williams will be sipping Mai Tai’s with Suggs in Hawaii in a couple of years.
Friday, April 22, 2005
"Let's Ball" - My NBA reality show idea
I’ve created a new TV show that should be aired on NBC. Since reality show is the buzz word of the day (or am I two years too late?) this is going to be a contest-themed reality show.
We have already run the gamut of shows; from business, to surviving on an island to being the best comic. An untapped resource that executives have is sport-themed reality shows. We are just starting to get there with “The Contender” but there is so much more that can be utilized.
Contest-themed reality shows follow a pretty simple formula to become successful. There is a group of people and each week, one of them is somehow eliminated until there is one left standing.
I propose we put the sports angle together with the contest-themed reality show and create a show called “Let’s Ball.”
Premise: 14 basketball players are put together in a house and put through different skill contests. There are playground legends, former college players, former NBA players, and European players. Everyone has one dream; to reach the pinnacle of success that is the NBA.
There will be various skill drills throughout the show where the contestant has a chance to get a “1 seed” and advance through to the next week. Each week will also feature a 5-on-5, 3-on-3 or 1-on-1 game. The loser of each of those games will be subject to elimination by the judges.
Charles Barkley, David Stern and Bill Simmons will be the three judges, playing the roles of Donald Trump, Carolyn and George.
The last player left standing will receive a 10 day NBA contract (or possibly a one year NBDL contract).
Why people will watch it: An average of 17,000 fans comes to every NBA game during the year. Hundreds of thousands more watch games on TV. We have an untapped resource that is clamoring for more NBA action.
Many of these are die-hard fans and want to see people they saw in college play in the pros. Many of them don’t have a chance to do that, so this would be a forum for them to watch.
People are also drawn to Charles Barkley like moths to a flame. He’ll be to “Let’s Ball” what Donald Trump is to the Apprentice; instant credibility and a drawing card. People will also be drawn to Bill Simmons for his sarcasm and unique observations. Remember, at one time, no one knew who Simon Cowell was, now everyone does. Same thing with Simmons.
Why the NBA and NBC would want this: This can be an instant tie-in with the “NBA on NBC” theme. As viewers start to watch this, we can go down to a live finish and have the player signing their 10 day contract and the next day will be their first game on NBC. This player would then be a drawing card for the rest of the time he’s on this team. (Bobcats maybe?)
As we’ve seen with reality TV people, they become quasi-celebrities. The NBA and NBC can cash in on this by exploiting the person who wins. The person will be someone that America wants to see and it could draw a whole new group of fans to the NBA. There really is no loser in this situation.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Scattered Eggs
I think Blind Justice is possibly the stupidest premise for a TV show ever, and you have to remember that Jenny McCarthy and Pauly Shore both had their own sitcoms. Makes you wonder who is really making the calls in Hollywood.
If I had to lose one sense for the rest of my life, I think I’d lose touch. I don’t know if that’s possible or not, but I think it’s the one that I would miss the least.
How do people get the jobs for those local commercials? Are there casting calls? First hick that walks by who has all their teeth? I mean seriously, it can’t be a very stringent screening process.
If I were on Let’s Make a Deal, I think I would always go for door number 3. It just seems like it’s the safest to me.
Why do they call it an American flag? It just doesn’t make much sense to me.
If I won 75 dollars in the lottery, I think I would spend it all on having Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman pretend to be in a mirror across from each other. I think I could set that up for 75 dollars.
“What happens when you put Ozzie Canseco, Frank Stallone, Don Swayze and Ashlee Simpson in a house together? Next, Don challenges Ashlee to a dance off while Frank arm wrestles Ozzie for the last Twinkie. You can only see ‘The Shallow End of the Gene Pool’ next. On UPN…”
I love knock-offs. Always have, always will. My friends had Transformers, I had Go-Bots. My friends collected Topps baseball cards; I collected O-Pee-Chee. My friends wore Levi’s, I wore Wrangler. It’s a wonder I even made it through grade school.
I once signed a Nolan Ryan card and traded it to some kid while he was under the assumption the autograph was real. Let’s do the math; how often is someone going to trade you a Nolan Ryan autograph for a Gregg Jeffries card? It’s like shopping in the cereal aisle with morons.
I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than when Rebecca from America’s Next Top Model fainted a couple of weeks ago. It still brings a smile to my face. And yes, I will probably end up next to Emilio Estevez in hell.
“I know we will be in touch” – quote in yearbook signature from Emily Schultz senior year. Why even write this? Why? Why did I have her sign it? Did I sign hers? What did I write? I never talked to her.
If I had to lose one sense for the rest of my life, I think I’d lose touch. I don’t know if that’s possible or not, but I think it’s the one that I would miss the least.
How do people get the jobs for those local commercials? Are there casting calls? First hick that walks by who has all their teeth? I mean seriously, it can’t be a very stringent screening process.
If I were on Let’s Make a Deal, I think I would always go for door number 3. It just seems like it’s the safest to me.
Why do they call it an American flag? It just doesn’t make much sense to me.
If I won 75 dollars in the lottery, I think I would spend it all on having Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman pretend to be in a mirror across from each other. I think I could set that up for 75 dollars.
“What happens when you put Ozzie Canseco, Frank Stallone, Don Swayze and Ashlee Simpson in a house together? Next, Don challenges Ashlee to a dance off while Frank arm wrestles Ozzie for the last Twinkie. You can only see ‘The Shallow End of the Gene Pool’ next. On UPN…”
I love knock-offs. Always have, always will. My friends had Transformers, I had Go-Bots. My friends collected Topps baseball cards; I collected O-Pee-Chee. My friends wore Levi’s, I wore Wrangler. It’s a wonder I even made it through grade school.
I once signed a Nolan Ryan card and traded it to some kid while he was under the assumption the autograph was real. Let’s do the math; how often is someone going to trade you a Nolan Ryan autograph for a Gregg Jeffries card? It’s like shopping in the cereal aisle with morons.
I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than when Rebecca from America’s Next Top Model fainted a couple of weeks ago. It still brings a smile to my face. And yes, I will probably end up next to Emilio Estevez in hell.
“I know we will be in touch” – quote in yearbook signature from Emily Schultz senior year. Why even write this? Why? Why did I have her sign it? Did I sign hers? What did I write? I never talked to her.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Wolves thoughts...
Yes, the wolves are officially out of the playoffs. Nothing they can do about it now. Before two games ago, there was a slim chance. Kind of like there is a slim chance that Tara Reid gets caught making out with Colin Powell in the Pope Mobile on the way to Jamba Juice to announce that Tara is pregnant with Kang or Kodos alien love child. Yes, I mean that kind of slim. But now their ship has sailed. And we move into the next phase: the draft lottery.
Ahhh…the draft lottery. As Timberwolves fans, we haven’t got to be here for years. The ping-pong balls haven’t mattered in the longest time. But, I have to admit, I’m a little bit excited. Not for not making the playoffs and participating in the ping-pong ball selection. No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m excited to see Kevin McHale sitting there as the representative for the Wolves. He’s going to look like Travis Coates right before he had to go shoot Old Yeller. There’s a very real chance that he will go Rashard Lewis on us and start crying when the Wolves are announced as having the last lottery pick. I can’t wait for this. This is like Christmas for me.
Or…and this may be better…maybe he gets one of the top three picks. Along with Elgin Baylor. Then, they’ll execute some sort of awkward high-five, hand grabbing combo that makes the whole nation blush at the same time. Then, they can replay it over and over and over and over again on Sports Center. They could even make a video on “How Not to High Five” and have special guests, Robert Kraft of the New England Patriots and Mark Cuban of the Dallas Mavericks. I can’t be the only person who would watch this.
Mmmm…lottery pick. Do we have another William Avery on our hands?
Do you think Latrell Sprewell feels like Homer Simpson on the episode where Homer goes to Happy Widow’s Insurance?
McHale: Now before we give you an extension, I have to ask you a few questions.
Spree: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.
McHale: Now, under "gives a crap", you crossed out never and wrote always.
Spree: Oh, I thought that said "is out for himself".
McHale: All right. Here's your contract.
Spree: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
McHale: Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
Spree: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ...must...sign...extension!
McHale: [pulling contract] I'm sorry, sir, we can't re-sign you!
Spree: I made an L!
McHale: That doesn't count!
Spree: Looks like an X.
[McHale manages to pull it away]
McHale: We better get you to a hospital.
Spree: Can I have a free calendar?
McHale: OK.
What is Wally’s deal? All of the sudden, he’s like one of those women who say that everything is okay when it’s really not and he’s at the atomic explosion stage, where the husband would be sleeping in the car, listening to CCR and wondering what the hell happened. Is that how McHale feels now?
McHale: Wally, what’s wrong?
Wally: Nothing.
McHale: I can tell something is bothering you.
Wally: No, it’s fine. Everything is good.
McHale: OK then. (turns back to his paper)
Wally: It’s just that, I should be starting.
McHale: What?
Wally: Well, I worked really hard and I should start.
McHale: But you volunteered to come off the bench.
Wally: I thought that’s what you wanted.
McHale: Well, next time, why don’t you say what you actually mean?
Wally: I HATE IT HERE AND I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE!
Ahhh…the draft lottery. As Timberwolves fans, we haven’t got to be here for years. The ping-pong balls haven’t mattered in the longest time. But, I have to admit, I’m a little bit excited. Not for not making the playoffs and participating in the ping-pong ball selection. No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m excited to see Kevin McHale sitting there as the representative for the Wolves. He’s going to look like Travis Coates right before he had to go shoot Old Yeller. There’s a very real chance that he will go Rashard Lewis on us and start crying when the Wolves are announced as having the last lottery pick. I can’t wait for this. This is like Christmas for me.
Or…and this may be better…maybe he gets one of the top three picks. Along with Elgin Baylor. Then, they’ll execute some sort of awkward high-five, hand grabbing combo that makes the whole nation blush at the same time. Then, they can replay it over and over and over and over again on Sports Center. They could even make a video on “How Not to High Five” and have special guests, Robert Kraft of the New England Patriots and Mark Cuban of the Dallas Mavericks. I can’t be the only person who would watch this.
Mmmm…lottery pick. Do we have another William Avery on our hands?
Do you think Latrell Sprewell feels like Homer Simpson on the episode where Homer goes to Happy Widow’s Insurance?
McHale: Now before we give you an extension, I have to ask you a few questions.
Spree: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.
McHale: Now, under "gives a crap", you crossed out never and wrote always.
Spree: Oh, I thought that said "is out for himself".
McHale: All right. Here's your contract.
Spree: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
McHale: Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
Spree: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ...must...sign...extension!
McHale: [pulling contract] I'm sorry, sir, we can't re-sign you!
Spree: I made an L!
McHale: That doesn't count!
Spree: Looks like an X.
[McHale manages to pull it away]
McHale: We better get you to a hospital.
Spree: Can I have a free calendar?
McHale: OK.
What is Wally’s deal? All of the sudden, he’s like one of those women who say that everything is okay when it’s really not and he’s at the atomic explosion stage, where the husband would be sleeping in the car, listening to CCR and wondering what the hell happened. Is that how McHale feels now?
McHale: Wally, what’s wrong?
Wally: Nothing.
McHale: I can tell something is bothering you.
Wally: No, it’s fine. Everything is good.
McHale: OK then. (turns back to his paper)
Wally: It’s just that, I should be starting.
McHale: What?
Wally: Well, I worked really hard and I should start.
McHale: But you volunteered to come off the bench.
Wally: I thought that’s what you wanted.
McHale: Well, next time, why don’t you say what you actually mean?
Wally: I HATE IT HERE AND I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE!
Monday, April 18, 2005
Things I Learned in Duluth
Evan Williams does not take any prisoners.
Four dollar pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea are not a good idea. The man who came up with this promotion needs to be shot. I can’t say this often enough.
“He turned the stare and creep into the creep and take pictures.”
“Where’s that huge bitch? I gotta get a picture of her!”
Girls do not dig it when guys talk to them about their favorite websites. It frightens them and they create Bugs Bunny holes in the wall while trying to escape from you.
Some people are way too good at making togas.
"Did you take a bite out of my muffin?"
"If only someone would have taken a picture of it, we could get to the bottom of this mystery."
A house can never have too many couches.
A party is not a party unless there is rap music playing. Who wants to listen to John Mayer?
Bea Arthur used to be kind of hot when she was younger.
The triple cheeseburger at Wendy’s is very delicious but it is too much for one man; especially when you combine it with about a gallon of E-Dub later in the night.
“I saw you last night.”
“He seemed pretty cool; he let me take his picture.”
“Then I guess the whole bar seemed pretty cool last night.”
Circus performers have business cards.
Do not talk to girls about the internet!! I can not stress this point enough.
Having a wandering eye does not make you more attractive.
Some people keep a mattress in their living room. What for, I don’t know, but it sure turned out handy.
Four dollar pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea are not a good idea. The man who came up with this promotion needs to be shot. I can’t say this often enough.
“He turned the stare and creep into the creep and take pictures.”
“Where’s that huge bitch? I gotta get a picture of her!”
Girls do not dig it when guys talk to them about their favorite websites. It frightens them and they create Bugs Bunny holes in the wall while trying to escape from you.
Some people are way too good at making togas.
"Did you take a bite out of my muffin?"
"If only someone would have taken a picture of it, we could get to the bottom of this mystery."
A house can never have too many couches.
A party is not a party unless there is rap music playing. Who wants to listen to John Mayer?
Bea Arthur used to be kind of hot when she was younger.
The triple cheeseburger at Wendy’s is very delicious but it is too much for one man; especially when you combine it with about a gallon of E-Dub later in the night.
“I saw you last night.”
“He seemed pretty cool; he let me take his picture.”
“Then I guess the whole bar seemed pretty cool last night.”
Circus performers have business cards.
Do not talk to girls about the internet!! I can not stress this point enough.
Having a wandering eye does not make you more attractive.
Some people keep a mattress in their living room. What for, I don’t know, but it sure turned out handy.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Nightmare on Elm Street 52
Freddy Kruger and Udeze the Unicorn were sitting in Johnny’s Hot Spot, a little dive bar hidden away in old town Spokane. Johnny’s was just about to close up shop for the night when the most unexpected thing happened.
After years and years of torturing children, Freddy had finally met his match. Though he’d been rejuvenated more times than the cast of Saved by the Bell, this was the time he finally met his end. It all started innocently enough.
“Get me and my buddy here another shot of E-Dub!!” Freddy hollered at the bartender as he wrapped his arm around Udeze’s neck. The bartender didn’t argue. Though he thought the two of them had had enough, you don’t ever mess with Freddy and you sure as hell don’t mess with Udeze. Hell, the bartender didn’t even want to see Udeze, much less make him mad.
“Thanks for the shot. That was great of you. Hopefully I can return the favor sometime Seal.” Udeze said as he staggered to the side a bit. He wasn’t feeling too hot and this last shot probably wasn’t going to help. But the burned man had bought it for him and he couldn’t just turn down free booze.
“You know what. I’ve never seen a Unicorn before in my life.” Freddy stammered at Udeze. Freddy had been shocked earlier in the evening when he walked into Johnny’s and had spied the unusual creature.
“Well, we normally go to Tony’s down the block but I went here to look for a little action. They say the horn attracts the ladies. Apparently, they’re wrong.” Udeze complained as he looked around and lamented the fact that he had no ladies.
“Seriously though, I have never seen one of you guys ever! I thought you were extinct!”
Udeze bristled at the suggestion. Unbeknownst to Freddy, unicorns were actually mythical, like Winnie the Pooh and Andrew Lloyd Webber. They are also known for an extremely aggressive temperament and are hard of hearing. All of these are things that Freddy wished he knew before he made his innocent comment.
All of the sudden, Udeze bucked his front legs high into the air like a wild stallion. This caused Freddy to tumble to the ground, spilling his drink in the process. Freddy looked up into Udeze’s eyes and all he saw was pure hatred.
Udeze started to drive his front legs into the ground as if a race were just starting; at that exact moment, Freddy was on his knees and working his way to a standing position. Just as Freddy took a breath, Udeze drove his horn into the center of Freddy’s chest and out his back.
Freddy’s heart hung off the horn like a plastic necklace off a three year old. Freddy slowly slumped to the side as the life left his body. Udeze shook his from head side to side to get Freddy’s body to drop off of his horn. Freddy crumpled down to the ground and sunk into a ball.
Udeze looked at the terrified bartender. “Ask him who stinks now.” Udeze cried out as he spit on Freddy and galloped out of Johnny’s.
After years and years of torturing children, Freddy had finally met his match. Though he’d been rejuvenated more times than the cast of Saved by the Bell, this was the time he finally met his end. It all started innocently enough.
“Get me and my buddy here another shot of E-Dub!!” Freddy hollered at the bartender as he wrapped his arm around Udeze’s neck. The bartender didn’t argue. Though he thought the two of them had had enough, you don’t ever mess with Freddy and you sure as hell don’t mess with Udeze. Hell, the bartender didn’t even want to see Udeze, much less make him mad.
“Thanks for the shot. That was great of you. Hopefully I can return the favor sometime Seal.” Udeze said as he staggered to the side a bit. He wasn’t feeling too hot and this last shot probably wasn’t going to help. But the burned man had bought it for him and he couldn’t just turn down free booze.
“You know what. I’ve never seen a Unicorn before in my life.” Freddy stammered at Udeze. Freddy had been shocked earlier in the evening when he walked into Johnny’s and had spied the unusual creature.
“Well, we normally go to Tony’s down the block but I went here to look for a little action. They say the horn attracts the ladies. Apparently, they’re wrong.” Udeze complained as he looked around and lamented the fact that he had no ladies.
“Seriously though, I have never seen one of you guys ever! I thought you were extinct!”
Udeze bristled at the suggestion. Unbeknownst to Freddy, unicorns were actually mythical, like Winnie the Pooh and Andrew Lloyd Webber. They are also known for an extremely aggressive temperament and are hard of hearing. All of these are things that Freddy wished he knew before he made his innocent comment.
All of the sudden, Udeze bucked his front legs high into the air like a wild stallion. This caused Freddy to tumble to the ground, spilling his drink in the process. Freddy looked up into Udeze’s eyes and all he saw was pure hatred.
Udeze started to drive his front legs into the ground as if a race were just starting; at that exact moment, Freddy was on his knees and working his way to a standing position. Just as Freddy took a breath, Udeze drove his horn into the center of Freddy’s chest and out his back.
Freddy’s heart hung off the horn like a plastic necklace off a three year old. Freddy slowly slumped to the side as the life left his body. Udeze shook his from head side to side to get Freddy’s body to drop off of his horn. Freddy crumpled down to the ground and sunk into a ball.
Udeze looked at the terrified bartender. “Ask him who stinks now.” Udeze cried out as he spit on Freddy and galloped out of Johnny’s.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
ESPN
I don’t want to panic anyone, but something is not right over at ESPN. I don’t know if somehow they are drinking Mexican water and everyone is hallucinating or if Nate Newton left his water bong unattended and everyone helped themselves to it. Either way, something is terribly wrong.
Chris Mortensen and Scouts Inc are both reporting that the Minnesota Vikings are going to take a RB if Mike Williams and Braylon Edwards are gone and one of the “Big Three” (“Cadillac” Williams, Ronnie Brown, Cedric Benson) fall to them at number 7.
This is an absolutely ridiculous statement. They could say that Alex Smith can throw a football over them mountains and they would be just as accurate as saying the Vikes will take a RB.
When you have a bona-fide starter at a position, you don’t use your pick to take someone at the same position; you use the pick to take someone who is at a weak position for you. That would mean the Vikings would take a receiver, a DE/LB or an offensive lineman; not a running back. No one is claiming the Charges are clamoring to trade up with the Browns so they can take Aaron Rodgers to compete with Philip Rivers and Drew Brees; because that wouldn’t make any sense.
Yet, they are reporting that the Vikings are going to take a running back to compete with Michael Bennett, Onterrio Smith, Mewelde Moore and Moe Williams? In that group, we have a former Pro-Bowler, someone who has averaged 5 yards a carry in his career, a rookie who averaged 5.8 YPC last year, and someone who can punch the ball in from three yards out nearly every time.
The other thing that has been mentioned is that the Vikes may take Benson and then try to trade him. Really? When the Colts and Seahawks can’t move two All-Pro backs, who do the Vikings think they would get for Benson? There is no one out there to trade with. Just because you drafted him high, it doesn’t mean someone is going to give you equal value in return. James and Alexander are being shopped for less than a first round pick; yet, you want to use your first round pick on a running back and trade him?
So, as you can see, what they’re reporting doesn’t make a lick of sense and if it happens, someone needs to go “old school WWF” on Mike Tice, hit him over the head with a chair and put the loyal Vikings fans out of their misery.
In the end, I hope someone fixes the water problem or the guys can lay off the pipe for awhile so ESPN can go back to reporting things that could conceivably happen, instead of reporting blatant half-truths and misleading the general public.
Unless they’re trying to get the Bucs to draft Benson instead of Williams by trickery, then I agree with their ploy…
Chris Mortensen and Scouts Inc are both reporting that the Minnesota Vikings are going to take a RB if Mike Williams and Braylon Edwards are gone and one of the “Big Three” (“Cadillac” Williams, Ronnie Brown, Cedric Benson) fall to them at number 7.
This is an absolutely ridiculous statement. They could say that Alex Smith can throw a football over them mountains and they would be just as accurate as saying the Vikes will take a RB.
When you have a bona-fide starter at a position, you don’t use your pick to take someone at the same position; you use the pick to take someone who is at a weak position for you. That would mean the Vikings would take a receiver, a DE/LB or an offensive lineman; not a running back. No one is claiming the Charges are clamoring to trade up with the Browns so they can take Aaron Rodgers to compete with Philip Rivers and Drew Brees; because that wouldn’t make any sense.
Yet, they are reporting that the Vikings are going to take a running back to compete with Michael Bennett, Onterrio Smith, Mewelde Moore and Moe Williams? In that group, we have a former Pro-Bowler, someone who has averaged 5 yards a carry in his career, a rookie who averaged 5.8 YPC last year, and someone who can punch the ball in from three yards out nearly every time.
The other thing that has been mentioned is that the Vikes may take Benson and then try to trade him. Really? When the Colts and Seahawks can’t move two All-Pro backs, who do the Vikings think they would get for Benson? There is no one out there to trade with. Just because you drafted him high, it doesn’t mean someone is going to give you equal value in return. James and Alexander are being shopped for less than a first round pick; yet, you want to use your first round pick on a running back and trade him?
So, as you can see, what they’re reporting doesn’t make a lick of sense and if it happens, someone needs to go “old school WWF” on Mike Tice, hit him over the head with a chair and put the loyal Vikings fans out of their misery.
In the end, I hope someone fixes the water problem or the guys can lay off the pipe for awhile so ESPN can go back to reporting things that could conceivably happen, instead of reporting blatant half-truths and misleading the general public.
Unless they’re trying to get the Bucs to draft Benson instead of Williams by trickery, then I agree with their ploy…
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