Scattered Eggs

I think Blind Justice is possibly the stupidest premise for a TV show ever, and you have to remember that Jenny McCarthy and Pauly Shore both had their own sitcoms. Makes you wonder who is really making the calls in Hollywood.

If I had to lose one sense for the rest of my life, I think I’d lose touch. I don’t know if that’s possible or not, but I think it’s the one that I would miss the least.

How do people get the jobs for those local commercials? Are there casting calls? First hick that walks by who has all their teeth? I mean seriously, it can’t be a very stringent screening process.

If I were on Let’s Make a Deal, I think I would always go for door number 3. It just seems like it’s the safest to me.

Why do they call it an American flag? It just doesn’t make much sense to me.

If I won 75 dollars in the lottery, I think I would spend it all on having Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman pretend to be in a mirror across from each other. I think I could set that up for 75 dollars.

“What happens when you put Ozzie Canseco, Frank Stallone, Don Swayze and Ashlee Simpson in a house together? Next, Don challenges Ashlee to a dance off while Frank arm wrestles Ozzie for the last Twinkie. You can only see ‘The Shallow End of the Gene Pool’ next. On UPN…”

I love knock-offs. Always have, always will. My friends had Transformers, I had Go-Bots. My friends collected Topps baseball cards; I collected O-Pee-Chee. My friends wore Levi’s, I wore Wrangler. It’s a wonder I even made it through grade school.

I once signed a Nolan Ryan card and traded it to some kid while he was under the assumption the autograph was real. Let’s do the math; how often is someone going to trade you a Nolan Ryan autograph for a Gregg Jeffries card? It’s like shopping in the cereal aisle with morons.

I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than when Rebecca from America’s Next Top Model fainted a couple of weeks ago. It still brings a smile to my face. And yes, I will probably end up next to Emilio Estevez in hell.

“I know we will be in touch” – quote in yearbook signature from Emily Schultz senior year. Why even write this? Why? Why did I have her sign it? Did I sign hers? What did I write? I never talked to her.