Is this ad racist?

I've basically lost all concept...I'd guess yes, but then again...I'm an idiot...

Buy pizza or be abducted!

I don't know, but if I owned Papa John's, I wouldn't have wanted my ad here...

You know what's back?

That's right, The Mole is back next Monday. I know someone named Sikes who has to be hopping up and down at the moment.

For those of you not in the know, The Mole is a delicious TV show full of intrigue and suspense. I suggest you check it out and add it to your summer TiVo list.

I'm also going to say...much to my chagrin...add Last Comic Standing to your summer TiVo list. I know...I know...the last two seasons have been, at best, like King Kong dropping a dookie on the Empire State building. However...I continue to watch.

And Dan Naturman has at least made it to Vegas. He's great. If he doesn't make it in the house, feel free to stop watching. Stone & Stone show promise, but then again, I like morons.

That's it. Watch.

How do you know if you're a tool?

People often ask me, "Brent, how can I tell if I'm a tool."

Typically, I'd respond, "If you have to ask, then you know you are douche," followed by me giving them the wink-and-the-gun.

But homey ain't gonna play that today. So, first off, that's a great question, for a tool. Second off, it's obvious you're an idiot. But that really doesn't matter right now. So go back to your rice Chex and listen to the knowledge.

You were asking how to tell if you are a tool.

I'm sure there are tons of different ways, but I've discovered one for a fact the other night.

You are a tool if you:

Sit on a bench by Lake Minnetonka
by yourself
with your guitar
playing songs you made up
while no one is near you
really loudly

Yep, you meet all those you're definitely a tool. And if someone yells at you, "Keep a rockin' John Mayer" that's another sure sign you're a tool....

Hey hitchhiker...

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

The one I saw on Bass Lake Road.

Here's a little piece of advice.

If you're gonna look like frickin' Large Marge, you're not going to get a ride.

It's simple math...people don't like being murdered by hitchhikers...so, lose your freakishness if you plan on hitchhiking.

Word to the wise...

US Weekly might have run out of ideas...

Yes, yes, I know. This is not news. They have something about Britney or Heidi Montag every week. And no one cares. But look at these two covers:

I mean...COME ON! At least change the words a bit...

The Ref on AG...

Now, as you and I well know, the ref is the best part of American Gladiators. He is so fired up and he really gets into with the hand motions to make sure the contender is, in fact, ready.

I know what you're thinking, and I've written about this before, but how in the butt did he get this job?

Turns out his name is Al Kaplon and he is a former American League baseball umpire (and no...he did not appear in the Naked Gun).

Funny you should ask about the Naked Gun, because if you watch closely the next time you're watching Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story you'll notice that the ref there and the ref in AG are one in the same.

You go Al Kaplon! You bring joy to tens and tens of people every week!

Crabs?

So, I'm signing on to the internet (did you know they're putting it on computers now?) and msn is the page that pops up; homepage, if you will.

Well, they always have these tantalizing stories that I just have to read...or they're just there and I always glance at the headlines.

So, they had the following one as one of the headlines on how to lose weight:

Of course, I read it as "Avoiding crabs" as opposed to "Avoiding carbs".

I would have totally clicked on the link if there was some scientific link to obesity and the clap.

Why you ask? Curiosity I guess. Heck I'm curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers.

And #5 is history...

Yesterday, I might a decision that will probably cause ripples all across America. As I type this, I can feel the world slowly screeching to a stop.

I have deleted my #5 Season Pass program on TiVo!

Now, that is by far the highest program I have ever straight deleted. Sure, programs have gotten shuffled, moved down, messed with. But none, NONE, in the top 5 has ever been deleted! I don't know if this has ever happened anywhere else, but I have to assume it has not, otherwise, this wouldn't be much (not that it is) of a story.

The program? Rest in peace...

WITHOUT A TRACE

I guess I won't be following Jack Malone anymore. And that show used to be so good (hence the #5 rating). Dern...

They gotta WANT it!!

OK, so yesterday was trash day. Which means I have to clean out the litter box and take it out to the trashcan. I also have to clean out the cross-cut shredder and take that out to the trashcan.

What I've started doing is emptying the shredded bills/receipts/etc into an old Target sack. Then, I empty the contents of the litter box (poo/pee/Vonit/etc.) on top of the shredded paper in the same bag.

I figure it would be difficult to go through cross-cut shredded paper and piece them back together to try to steal my identity.

But I figure you have to really, really want to steal my identity if you're going to piece together shredded receipts that have been stewing in kitty urine. I mean, that would suck.

This week I spit in the bag too, just to add insult to injury. My little way of sticking it to the identity thieves who steal out of trashcans!

sidenote: this is in no way ripping on identity thieves who steal your identity online...please don't do that to me...

Boger Dental?

So, I'm driving down 494 and I see the following billboard (thanks to Alison for pointing this out):

Could that look anymore like Booger? Would you want to go to Booger Dental? I mean, even if that was your last name, who says your last name has to be in the name of your business? Seriously...

On a completely unrelated note, I've decided to go to following place for their awesome graphics and awesome name!

Ridonk...

I don't know if anyone watched AG on Monday night, but in the second half, they had a dude with one leg on the show, which is all well and good. And it was a happy moment when he finished the eliminator, but seriously...

watching him go through some of those events was painful. There was just no chance of him flying up the net, or getting across the tight rope, or running down the barrel roll. Just crazy.

I'm happy for him, but I also doubt someone who is blind would do very well on the show. Basically, what I'm saying is, Jerry got a cheap win and I hope he loses next round...

Sidenote: Rocketball is SWEET!

One Republic ft. Timbaland - Call the Judge

I don't know if you've heard the song Apologize by One Republic ft. Timbaland, but every time I hear it, I hear the refrain wrong. The refrain goes like this:

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

And every time I hear it, I hear

It's too late to call the judge, it's too late
I said it's too late to call the judge, it's too late

You know, like on Law & Order: SVU, when they need to get a search warrant signed at night, and they don't want to go wake the judge up, because the judges hate getting woken up in the middle of the night. So, I just picture this for this song:

Ice T: Man, we need this search warrant signed now!
Kasey Novak: It's too late to call the judge,
Stabler: Then he's going to walk!
Kasey Novak: It's too late.
Olivia Benson: We need it right now!!!
Kasey Novak: I said it's too late to call the judge,
Det. Munch: Kasey, this murder is on you if we don't catch him.
Kasey Novak: It's too late.

I'm an idiot.

Baking Soda weirds me out...

Alison just bought a new box of baking soda and on the front, it says it's good for "baking, cleaning and deodorizing."

Seems to me, it shouldn't be possible to use the same product to make cookies and clean up cat puke.

But that might just be me. I'm a purist...

Don't act like you're not jealous...

Try to beat this:

BLOXORZ

Good, clean, fun, frustrating times. Good luck on level 27...

I think he meant "Softball Bats"

But I could be wrong. I sent the following to him:
-------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 May 2008 07:19:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Brent Nelson"
Subject: Doftball bats-composite (south metro)
To: sale-671342834@craigslist.org

Would you consider a trade towards a Pii?
-------------------------------------------------------------
And then, I got this back...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 May 2008 07:31:07 -0700 (PDT)
From: "greg l"
Subject: Re: Doftball bats-composite (south metro)
To: "Brent Nelson"

What is a Pii ?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Followed closely by this...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 May 2008 07:49:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: "greg l"
Subject: Re: Doftball bats-composite (south metro)
To: "Brent Nelson"

Or is that sarcasm for doftball ?
-------------------------------------------------------------
HILARIOUS!

Lopsidey...

So, I go to get my hair cut and the following conversation happens:

Hairdresser: So, been awhile since you got your hair cut?
Brent: Yes.
Hairdresser: You're not very talkative.
Brent: Yes.
Awkward silence.
Hairdresser: So, did you know that your right ear is a tad lower than your left?
Awkward silence.
Brent: Actually, I did know that. The Bearded Lady and the Fat Man make fun of that all the time. And I always respond with, "Well, at least I don't love to eat bananas like Gorilla Boy over there!" And we laugh, and laugh, and laugh!
Hairdresser: Huh?
Brent: Because I'm in a freak show with the other freaks because of my lopsidey ear! It's painfully obvious, yet you had to be a D-Do and point it out. I didn't come to your chair to be ripped on. I also didn't come in and ask you if Mr. Ed was your dad.
Hairdresser: Huh?
Brent: Damn it! Because you look like an f'in horse! I swear I saw you in the Kentucky Derby! Didn't they have to put you down? Because your breath smells like death. It's pungent. It smells worse than hurl!
Hairdresser: Ummm...
Brent: Stuff it. Nelson...out.

And that was the end of that. At the end of the day, you probably really shouldn't tell someone if they look like a freak, unless it's something they can fix. Might want to look into that...

The Stolen Waterboy Theory...

So, How I Met Your Mother stole the Waterboy Theory last night. Except they used Jerry Maguire (blech!) to prove the point. Gross.

Now, it's painfully obvious that I should be writing for a network TV show, since apparently my ideas are gold. So, I'm thinking I'm going to write a script about a dog who speaks English, but is a little racist and he refuses to clean up his own mess. Oh yeah, he also has a rocket car and solves crimes. I think people would love that.

Or, I might just watch Hell's Kitchen. One of those...

Grossness...

OK, so I was cleaning out our shower, using the "magnificent" Mr. Clean Magic Reach. And that's when I noticed the drawing on the back of the package, which is also on the website:

OK, I don't know who in the world has a shower this dirty. But instead of reaching for Mr. Clean Magic Reach, you might want to reach out and discover the fact that you're a dirty slob and cleaning the shower is not going to change the fact that people turn the other way when they see you because of your repugnant aroma and your soiled underoos.

You sir, disgust me. You are nothing but a piece of crap. I find you extremely ugly. As I said before, you emit a foul and unpleasant odor. I loathe you...

Things I Hate Week - Day 5

You know what I really hate? People who drive cars. It doesn't matter who. You. Me. Not-gonna-turn-right-at-a-red-light-lady. Everyone.

I don't think there is anything more frustrating than following someone in the left lane of the interstate who is going 55 mph. And no amount of banging on my steering wheel and cursing at them through my windows will get them to move.

Why do people do that? Do they want to give me an ulcer? Because they are well on their way. I think you know who I'm talking about Wayzata-Soccer-Mom-Xterra.

I think it should be legal to nudge people like that. I should start a petition. But that seems like a lot of work...

And, apparently, my posts have fallen back into the murky gray area they had emerged from. Dang. Double dang.

Things I Hate Week - Day 4

Today, I'm going back to my old standby (and I know everyone feels the pain of this one); people who pay with checks at Target/grocery store/etc.

It's the same, no matter who it is...no one ever has the check all made out. It's like it's a surprise when the cashier tells them they need to pay:

"What? Oh, seven dollars? Jeez...you caught me off guard. Here, let me put my screaming toddler in the cart, set my purse down, pull out the checkbook, start to write out the check and attempt to block all the eye daggers being shot at me by my fellow customers."

Idiot. Get the net...